To have a turning 50 friend audit…

[The80swerethebest]

Bear with me! As I have got older, I have really started to reflect on how I want to spend my time and with who!

There are a few people who have been really unsupportive especially when I lost a parent and actually I have realised that I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt because I have been worried about being alone even though they probably take the piss a bit. One has never even asked me how I am after the loss of a parent. Others it’s very one sided.

So I thought I’d actually actively look at my relationships and see who I really want to spend my time with.

Too harsh? Anyone done anything similar?

My ''audit'' happened organically recently after some major life changes.

I had a few really difficult years with major health issues (and work issues as a result) and was the victim of an assault by a male acquaintance.

I thankfully had trauma therapy which helped immensely and made me realise that I was still a people-pleaser too and that I had to build better boundaries.

I sold my home and moved to a new town for a fresh start and also got a new job. I also cut out some toxic relatives out of my life.

At that point a lot of ''friends'' faded away.

One because she was used to feel superior in my presence (as I was always the struggling one...) but could not cope with me when I started asserting my boundaries and do better in life.

Others I let drift away because I realised they were just fair weather acquaintances and we no longer had anything in common.

I have since made a couple of new friends and make sure I have healthy boundaries in place form the start. I have also kept existing ones, people who have shown me that they genuinely are happy for me to be doing better.

My point is it is often normal for people to fade away as your outlook on life and your priorities change.

Traumatic events will also often show you who your real friends are.

As you can see from some of the comments you have had so far, some people will just cling to old friendships at all cost out of fear of being alone or because it is easier than to risk ''upsetting'' anyone....

Friendships like any relationships are not always meant to last forever.

My view is that the right people will come in your life at the right time. Meaning if you find yourself letting friendship drift/go because they have run their course, they will be replaced by new ones that better fit your current life.

@The80swerethebest i recently turned 50 and done the exact same thing as you - I am also a massive people pleaser!
I no longer put up with crap or let people use me, and one of the casualties of this was my friend of over 30 years. I called her out when she spoke to me like crap, or run down my other friends, husband etc. It was liberating and I am so much happier x

How very true and well written FourTeaFallOut. This describes exactly what happened to me. A lot of Mums crossed the street to avoid me when I was recently bereaved. One Mum when I met her in the playground and told my Mum had died listened for two mins and dashed off as she had to say hello to someone. The coffees after school stopped with another.

@FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb

''I relocated at 50. Very effective friends audit. Got rid of those who were only loyal to how useful I was to them.''

This.

Absolutely.

As mentioned in my comment above, I relocated recently and that helped show who my real friends were.

Someone who had been supposedly a close friend of 14 years stopped speaking to me as soon as I left town.

I realised it was because I was no longer of any use to her.

The silent treatment started because I could not run an errand for her before I moved (I was too busy with the removal process and ran out of time).

Good riddance...

@Ducksinthebath you have literally no idea about the friendships in my life.

I delete or at least hide such folk. Ridiculous. Usually grown women. Never seen a man post that. That's not me being sexist just an observation.

Similar with me @Oopsididitagaintomorrow
I'm had a friend of 35 years. She was unnecessarily rude to our mutual friend (of 35 years) and she started bitching to me on the sly about her so I called her out on it. She didn't like it and has stopped communicating. It's been a weight off my shoulders as I realise now that I didn't really like her all that much and just stayed friends because our friendship was so long.

@HowcanIgetoutofthisalive yep, I felt so guilty as we'd be friends for such a long time, but when I realised I was more of a friend to her than she was to me, it was an eye opener!

@The80swerethebest - I had a friend audit after my mum died. I was very young to lose a parent and was saddened by the number of my close friends who either completely vanished or acted like I was being over dramatic because I didn't want to go on a night out the next week.

Conversely though, a couple of people who I wasn't particularly close to at the time were absolutely amazing and, as a result I now have a much smaller but incredibly supportive group of friends.

I didn't make a point of ending the friendships, I just either stopped going out or stopped being the one to initiate contact.

Yes I hear you. When my mum died, I realised none of my friends cared. Only one friend made an effort, by calling/messaging me/popping in. I have so much time for her now and offer help whenever she needs it. The other friends, I started seeing them less until it all stopped. Covid ended alot of those friendships.

I dropped an old school friend after she never acknowledged the death of my mother. She knew my mum for over twenty years. Another school friend had to be binned off after she reacted badly to being told “No” after I’d people pleased with her for twenty years and a colleague that I used to work with who talked only endlessly about herself and asked me nothing about my life nor knew anything about me has been dropped. Not an audit as such but just people I don’t need the hassle of

I’m not sure I’d expect more than a “I’m so sorry about your mum” from my friends. At 50, your parent is elderly? It’s not as if you’ve lost them during your formative years. I mean, it’s not nice, but… 🤷‍♀️

Didn’t even get that much. When I rang to tell her the person who answered said “she’s on holiday”

And I wasn’t 50 at the time. Not even 40

It's arrogant because you are only seeing them as not reacting as you feel they should be to the (very sad and emotional) event in your life.
How do you know that they are not also going through something upsetting and difficult at the time?

And where has anyone said you 'must stay in relationships'? Just don't make a drama of friendship fading by calling it an 'audit' as that sounds purely transactional and that you are the only decision maker!

@MichelleScarn its not just the reaction to loss, it’s other things too, not making an effort, expecting a lot of me but giving nothing back. Like I said, I am a people pleaser and will do anything for people but guess I have reached burn out point

I think I probably had this attitude more when I was younger - that people fell short of my expectations and needs. And I felt hurt by them. But as I have got older I see that life is complex, we need each other in many different ways. I try and keep people in my life but just at more of an emotional arm’s length unless they are trustworthy and close friends.

the talk of auditing people suggests that you feel hurt

Hi op I feel same too. Few good friends thats it. Tired chasing people. One did slow fade. Maybe not as much in common as we age... Sorry for your loss too.

I did something similar fairly recently, also following a life event which highlighted to me how little effort my "friends" made with me. I didn't dramatically cut them off or have a big break up, I simply stopped making the effort to contact those who had made no effort with me for a long time, and any contact has naturally disappeared.
This left me with literal and mental space to focus on myself. I took up some new hobbies and have met some new friends that way but also enjoy time alone, it's not as scary as I expected.

But a ‘friend’ on social media is not at all the same as an actual friend.

At first I thought you are being U. But if folk are unkind and unsupportive at difficult times and make you feel even worse it is time to see a lot less of them.

@Peterpiperpickedapeckof but what other word seems more appropriate to you? Cull? I am very fortunate to have a lot of very good mates, many lifelong. But there are also other people that I put energy into that I get nothing back and that’s what I mean.

At 50, I don’t have all the time & energy anymore. I work full time, have 2 kids and a social life. I have reached a point where I need to prioritise & stop being chasing after people who don’t prioritise me.

I'm not sure OP. I'm 53 and I and my friends are variously at either transitional or challenging points in our lives. Empty nests for some, ramping up of responsibility for others who are juggling younger families with care for parents. Some careers increasing in responsibility, some winding down, menopause, relationship issues, the trials of getting older and health impacts on some. If I were to audit my long term friendships and make qualitative judgements, now would not be a fair time to do it. More transitional relationships, absolutely. Life is indeed too short. But if you've got some years under your belt with people it's quite possible it's just a stage and its a shame to throw away a lot of history because it's not great right now.

I think you don’t need to give it a word, it makes you sound bitter. Auditing and culling is a negative action. Just focus your energy how you want. I wouldn’t be putting it into these words, or in fact thinking about it. How you explain things to yourself really does matter and affects you ongoingly.