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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take DD (4) to grandads funeral

68 replies

Groomofthestool · 17/03/2023 23:11

My fathers funeral is on Monday. We were very close and I will be attempting to do the eulogy. It will be messy, I will be a wreck. I had originally planned to leave DD1 (4) and DD2 (1.5) with a friend as I thought me being so upset would be too hard for them. Recently however DD1 has made comments about missing Grandad and I am wondering if just she should come. I am torn. On the one hand it could be good 'closure' for her and help her to understand. On the other hand it could be very distressing seeing her mum so sad. Although to be fair she's seen me cry a fair bit recently and usually just gives me a hug without getting upset herself.
Does anyone have any experience with this?

For what it's worth they spoke frequently on the phone. Most days. But lived in different continents. This is the grandparent she is closest to.

OP posts:

Luana1 · 17/03/2023 23:17

We took my then 3 year old to my dad's funeral and I'm glad I did as I felt it was important for him to be part of the public ritual of saying good bye to grandad, so I think taking your 4 year old would be appropriate. I wouldn't worry about her seeing you upset, it's important for children to know from an early age that their parents are able to healthily show their emotions and that all emotions are just a normal part of life. I hope you get through the day ok x

user764329056 · 17/03/2023 23:18

i think that amount of collective emotion is too overwhelming for a 4 year old

Teafor1please · 17/03/2023 23:20

I took my dd (3) to my mum's funeral. She chose some flowers and put them on the coffin. She liked seeing the photos we had of my mum and she held my hand and was basically an utter delight. One of my friends gave her a sticker book during the service when she looked a bit bored. Also I fed her sweets 🤣 My DD adored my mum so much, they were such close friends. She doesn't remember her really now but she does remember the funeral and I do think that helps her understand, in her own capacity as she is only 4!

I found actually it helped me hold it together - equally you might not want to hold it together. I don't think there is a right answer, but if she would like to go and you feel ok about that, I would let her.

I am really so sorry for your loss.

IHeartKingThistle · 17/03/2023 23:21

I took my DD to my grandmas funeral when she was 6 and she was overwhelmed by the amount of people she didn't know who talked to her. And she was a very confident child and I was not a wreck. But you know your child and have to make that call ultimately.

IHeartKingThistle · 17/03/2023 23:22

And I'm so sorry for your loss.

TheCoffeeTableofDoom · 17/03/2023 23:23

In Ireland they would absolutely be there and I think it would be healing. But do whatever you feel is correct and I’m sorry for your loss

ladycardamom · 17/03/2023 23:23

I think it's a good idea.

Puppers · 17/03/2023 23:24

Sorry for your loss, OP 💐

It depends on the child I think. Some would cope and would benefit from the experience in terms of the ritual of saying goodbye, having some closure etc. Some would find it very distressing and it would throw up more questions than it would answer when they perhaps aren't ready to deal with it.

There's no right or wrong. You have to make a judgement based on your own child and whether it is likely to help them to grieve or likely to cause worries and prolonged distress.

Eyerollcentral · 17/03/2023 23:24

Of course take her. It’s not healthy in my opinion to keep children away from funerals, what you are going through is an important and normal part of life. It’s good for all involved to have a reminder too that in the midst of death life does go on and your daughter is a lovely symbol of that for everyone. I hope it all goes well and you get through the eulogy, I’m sorry about your dad.

amicissimma · 17/03/2023 23:25

Death is part of life. As is grief and emotion. I feel sorry for people who only meet these negative parts of life when they are deemed 'old enough' and who don't get the opportunity to become accustomed to them while being supported by someone who understands their level of maturity, such as a parent, and can help them process what's going in a way that works for them.

Regarding holding it together for the eulogy, a lot of people end up thrusting their notes into the hand of the vicar/celebrant when it comes to it. I don't think many people think this is odd.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2023 23:26

I would definitely take her. My children went to funerals younger than that. It's an unavoidable part of life, and it doesn't have to be made into some scary thing. Children seeing adults being sad due to a loved one dying is not a bad thing.

Jux · 17/03/2023 23:26

DD's first funeral was at 1.6, then she attended another at 3 ,and more after that.

It is perfectly healthy for children to witness the realities of death, to see the funeral, attend the wake.

What's very very unhealthy is to shield them from the realities of life.

NuffSaidSam · 17/03/2023 23:28

I'd take her to the wake, but not the service.

daffdil · 17/03/2023 23:30

I attended grandparents’ funerals at 4 and 5 years old. I understood what was happening and was sad but not scared or overwhelmed. Think it helped me to understand and process what had happened - including why my mum was sad.

Upsidedownagain · 17/03/2023 23:31

I think it is ok. A four year old may find it hard to understand that someone is gone for good, but seeing him honoured and respected at the funeral could be a good way to support that understanding. It's ok for them to see you upset, imo. It's normal and healthy to express emotions. I sometimes think we try too hard to shelter children from life's realities - they need good role models of adults coping with difficult things.

ThatWasThat · 17/03/2023 23:31

I’ve always taken my children to funerals of people important to them. As others have said, they need us to understand how to grieve, and that grieving is ok. I’m sorry for your pain and hope your daughters presence also brings you comfort on the day.

snowlady4 · 17/03/2023 23:36

Sorry for your loss. No right answer and you will make the right decision.
I think it's nice to take them as, sadly, it is a normal part of life- as normal as a birth and attending a christening- also, children are part of the family and I think they should attend significant family events. If not, when is the right age to start attending family occasions?
No perfect answer.. whatever you decide, will be fine. Hope all goes as well as it can.

youshouldnthaveasked · 17/03/2023 23:38

I’m very sorry for your loss. We took our children (9and 4) to great grandma’s funeral and it felt right for us. I think it depends on the family.

ChunkyCheese · 17/03/2023 23:40

I avoided taking my DC to funerals. I’ve known plenty of people who have taken them though and they have been absolutely fine.
I think it depends on the child. I didn’t take mine because he was a sensitive child back then and would have been overwhelmed by seeing older relatives crying. He noticed everything. I think the coffin would have unsettled him too.

ChunkyCheese · 17/03/2023 23:44

I meant I’ve known plenty of other people who have taken their own DC to funerals and they have been fine, i don’t think I wrote it very well in my last post!

whynotwhatknot · 17/03/2023 23:44

only you know your child-is there someone who can take them outside if it gets too much

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/03/2023 23:55

She’s probably too young to get anything out of it, and will probably find it a bit overwhelming. I’d be inclined to leave her with the the sitter and focus on yourself that day. You can take her to see his grave / where his ashes are scattered later.

Axahooxa · 18/03/2023 00:01

I’m not sure if it’s a Catholic thing, but we always bring kids to family funerals.

FurElise · 18/03/2023 00:03

It's so hard to know what to do for the best OP. I didn't bring my then 3 year old to my dad's funeral 6 years ago but he will be at my mum's funeral tomorrow. He's been at her wake and spent a lot of time in the room where her (open) coffin is. This has been entirely his choice and I really hope it helps him cope with the loss. He struggled greatly after my dad died but I'm not sure what impact his not attending the funeral had on that. Sorry for your loss.

Enko · 18/03/2023 00:08

My oldest 2 girls were coming up 4 and 6. At fils funeral. They both understood the seriousness of the event. As the curtain was drawn over the coffin (crematorium) dd2. Lifted her hand up and waved and said 'bye-bye grandad" for mil who had a girl on withee side of her this was the highlight of the event.

Dd1 recalls the funeral dd2 and ds (who was not quite 2) has no memory of it.

I didnt grow up in the UK and was brought up with it being normal and healthy to take children to a funeral.

At dhs grandmother's funeral dd1 was 11 months and was passed around all her great aunt's etc. She loved it and they did too.

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