To take DD (4) to grandads funeral

[Groomofthestool]

My fathers funeral is on Monday. We were very close and I will be attempting to do the eulogy. It will be messy, I will be a wreck. I had originally planned to leave DD1 (4) and DD2 (1.5) with a friend as I thought me being so upset would be too hard for them. Recently however DD1 has made comments about missing Grandad and I am wondering if just she should come. I am torn. On the one hand it could be good 'closure' for her and help her to understand. On the other hand it could be very distressing seeing her mum so sad. Although to be fair she's seen me cry a fair bit recently and usually just gives me a hug without getting upset herself.
Does anyone have any experience with this?

For what it's worth they spoke frequently on the phone. Most days. But lived in different continents. This is the grandparent she is closest to.

I think 4 is very young. I understand the view that death is a part of life and we shouldn't hide it from children etc., but still, it's going to be a very big and overwhelming day.

My grandad died when I was 4 and I did not go to his funeral. My mum explained to me in the best child-friendly way she knew what had happened, and we talked about it a lot, I remember it and I don't have any difficult feelings about not saying goodbye to him or anything like that.

I didn't even know what a funeral was at that age so I didn't feel I'd missed anything, and I don't think it would have benefitted me to go.

It really depends on the child, but I dont think it will particularly benefit her whereas there is a risk it could be harmful, so I don't think I'd take her.

I just want to point out, because the op might feel upset by the not a tragedy comment, I know I would have been when my mum suddenly died -- this is the funeral of a four year olds grandad, not great grandad. So it probably does feel like a tragedy to the op, who has lost her dad.

I would 100% take your DC. No doubt in my mind about it. No point shying away from death.

My nan died last year and my sister took her kids (3 and 18 months) to the funeral and did a reading.

I think 4 is very young TBH .Apart from anything you need space to grieve for your Dad .You will be worrying about DD when you need to concentrate on your own feelings .I would let her have a good time at her friends .

I think 4 is too young. They're too little to understand what's really going on, and won't remember the day. I get death is a part of life but there are other ways of introducing this to such a young child.

I'd take her. In my family, children are expected to be at funerals to the point that people find it strange if you show up without them. At the last funeral I went to the celebrant asked that the children be allowed to come sit together at the front if they wanted to and every wake I've been to has had little ones being passed around and older ones playing - children are a symbol that life goes on and an opportunity to pass on memories of the deceased which is a comfort to us all.

I was six when my Grandpa died. His funeral was overseas so my sister and I stayed in the UK. I don't know why we were left behind, cost maybe, but I have always felt that I should have been there.

Can they attend the wake? Make a photo montage with her to display there.

If she wants to go, take her, explaining what will happen and that there may be lots of crying people there, that they’re all sad about Grandad.

Obviously it’s not the same as I’m very much older, but when my Nana died at 97, because she was the last of her 7 siblings, every cousin of my Dad’s that was still alive came to her funeral, and it was amazing to feel so surrounded by family, that I belonged to something so massive. Same when my Mum died, and all but one of my 12 cousins made it to her funeral, many of whom I hadn’t seen since childhood.

Funerals can be wonderful occasions, sad but unifying, and as others have said, children attending shows everyone else there that life goes on.

So sorry for your loss, OP.

My children have been to four funerals, of three of their great grandparents and tragically, of a peer. I believe it has helped them to find closure. They were 3 and 6 at their friend's funeral and 1 and 4 at my grandmother's funeral, which were the two where I was most distressed. They were aware of the upset around those losses anyway but the funerals were an outlet and a bit of a celebration of their lives. Lots of people were very pleased to see the children there and it lifted the mood a bit afterwards.

It might help you to nominate someone to take charge of the children during the service, so you can grieve yourself and prepare for the eulogy. My husband was on child duty, poised to whisk them out if they got upset or were a bit disruptive, but that wasn't necessary.

Good luck making your decision.

I didn’t take mine at 8, my oldest at 12 chose to go

Irish here, but the attendance of children at funerals is totally normal here. Recently buried my Dad, children who were very close to him played around his open coffin during the wake. Totally normal here, removes so much of the fear and allows the children an opportunity to talk about death and the loved one who has passed.

Yes that was my first thought too. Take her to the tea and cake bit afterwards where it's all a bit less fraught and there will be family members to fuss over her.

Sorry for your loss Op.
I took dc1 who was 3 to my dad's funeral. He adored him and had seen him in hospital the day he died. I felt he needed closure as much as the rest of us. On the day, his presence really helped my mum cope.

This is interesting OP as I went to my grandfathers funeral when I was 4. My mum said, later (not sure when, that she didn't think she'd taken me but I had a vet clear memory of having been there and seen him in his coffin in the living room. Open caskets are the norm in my culture. It is odd as I feel like even if she'd let me go to that then I wouldn't have seen him but otherwise I don't have an explanation.

I don't remember it being disturbing. The only thing is I remember being surprised how normal he looked for a dead person. I expected to see blood. I don't remember thinking this now but i remember remembering it. I don't remember how I felt about him dying.

I don't remember anyone being upset or crying or anything like that. I don't remember it being traumatising in any way. I think it would be fine if you didn't want to take her but equally I don't think you need to take her for closure so would fall on the side of not taking her if that is an option. At least that way you won't be worrying about her on the day.

@Groomofthestool
Sorry for your loss

I wouldn't take such young children personally it could all be too much and kids seeing their parents so upset is never a good idea.

I would take her, but consider if someone can take her for at least some of the wake if there's one, eg to a playground to be a kid

@MumOf2workOptions What makes you say that it’s never good for children to see their parents upset? Genuinely interested in that, as I’d have thought the opposite. Isn’t it good to show them that all these emotions are normal?