Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To take DD (4) to grandads funeral

68 replies

Groomofthestool · 17/03/2023 23:11

My fathers funeral is on Monday. We were very close and I will be attempting to do the eulogy. It will be messy, I will be a wreck. I had originally planned to leave DD1 (4) and DD2 (1.5) with a friend as I thought me being so upset would be too hard for them. Recently however DD1 has made comments about missing Grandad and I am wondering if just she should come. I am torn. On the one hand it could be good 'closure' for her and help her to understand. On the other hand it could be very distressing seeing her mum so sad. Although to be fair she's seen me cry a fair bit recently and usually just gives me a hug without getting upset herself.
Does anyone have any experience with this?

For what it's worth they spoke frequently on the phone. Most days. But lived in different continents. This is the grandparent she is closest to.

OP posts:

pizzaHeart · 18/03/2023 00:09

Sorry for your loss.
I think it depends on the child, on the family set up and on your feelings as well. Would you be very upset? would anyone be able to help you looking after DD so you wouldn’t miss anything? Are your family very emotional? What kind of service it will be ? How long and complicated is the travel?
yes, she is missing her Grandad but she won’t get him back so she might be confused and upset thinking that you are visiting Grandad and then not seeing him. From the other side her present might help you and keep you focused on a positive message and meaning of life. Also if you can’t find anyone to look after her , taking her with you will be your only choice.

MavisMcMinty · 18/03/2023 00:30

I see no good reason why a 4-year old shouldn’t go to her grandad’s funeral, it’s a cultural thing, and if you’re British the culture is to stigmatise death. In Ireland, where half my family and a few of my friends are from, death is part of life, nobody needs shielding from it.

thaegumathteth · 18/03/2023 01:12

My dad died when my kids were 5&9 and then they lost their other grandad the following year. Both times we took them to the reception afterwards but not the funeral itself, it seemed to work well for them. They got to hear people talking about their grandad but not all the sad stuff and weren't there for the lowering of the coffin etc.

I did the eulogy at my dads and actually found it helpful as it gave me a focus so hopefully it'll do the same for you.

For the reception bit I also took some drawing stuff and Lego and little crafty things to occupy them. Dd spent most of her time drawing every single person a a not especially flattering portrait of themselves which seemed to help the mood quite a bit actually.

I'm sorry for your loss.

whiteroseredrose · 18/03/2023 02:01

We have taken DC to all family funerals from about that age. As PP have said, it is part of life and the relatives were old (to them).

Weenurse · 18/03/2023 02:13

Don’t have any regrets, you won’t be doing this twice.
Thinks about your needs first and then DD, then make a decision.
sorry for your loss

MooseBreath · 18/03/2023 02:24

I think it's important that children attend funerals of their loved ones. It is very normal in most countries for children to be present despite the sad nature of these events.

I am so sorry for your loss.

octoberfarm · 18/03/2023 02:35

I'm so sorry for your loss If it were me, I'd definitely take her. My Mum was similarly close to her Grandad and wasn't allowed to attend his funeral when he died (I think she was about 6 or 7 at the time), and she still talks about how she wished she could have been there sixty odd years later. She wanted to say goodbye properly and she didn't get the chance. I think if it's feasible for her to go, I would let her. It's an important part of the grieving process. I hope it goes as well as it can do, OP.

Wildspace · 18/03/2023 04:52

i do believe that it’s important to normalise these major life events. To show them that’s it’s ok to be unhappy when a loved one dies. And that they can be part of that remembering and celebration of life. There may be parts where you would decide they don’t attend - we had a family friend keep an eye on my DD for the committal but she was around for the wake, scattering of ashes etc. I wish I had been able to attend the funeral of my GD. Ultimately you have to be comfortable with your choice though. Is there someone that can help you with your child on the day?

NumberTheory · 18/03/2023 05:04

At the e of 4 I don’t think there is as much point in taking her as for an older child. I don’t think it hurts to take a child of that age. It is fine for her to see you upset. You explain to her why. She will understand that you are sad to lose your father. Kids understand being sad.

But she won’t be “missing out” if she doesn’t go. You can help her say goodbye in other ways. Take flowers to the grave. Have your own ceremony at home. Whatever you think will honour his memory.

I would be guided more by how you would feel and be able to grieve if she is there. If there is someone else who is more removed and she is very comfortable with (her father?) who would be able to look after her if you feel you need more space then that would be ideal.

Wallywobbles · 18/03/2023 05:09

I too my 5&6 yo. To be honest it was brilliant. My best friend pew blocked them when I did my reading.

Username24680 · 18/03/2023 05:24

I’m sorry for your loss @Groomofthestool (and yours @FurElise 💐).
At 4 I would have no issue taking my children provided they wanted to go. Will there be someone attending that is able to take her out of the service if she gets a bit overwhelmed? Her dad/a friend etc?
My DS was 18months when my grandfather passed. He was the person I was closest to in life and DS saw him every single day. I felt at 18m that he was too young to be at the service (more selfishly tbh...I needed that time myself just to grieve and not to be worrying about him) so he stayed at home with my DH and then they came and joined us at the wake. He really lifted everyone’s spirits and is named after my grandfather so he was actually a lovely reminder of how life goes on.

rwalker · 18/03/2023 06:24

It to personal to be guided by other peoples opinions and experiences

I’d consider how you’d cope how she’d cope
there the option of just taking her to wake to celebrate your mums life

I did my dads eulogy tbh the anticipation and fear of messing it up was far worse than doing it
took a bit to get in my stride but nice to share good memories ( there wasn’t many but that’s another story) there was laughs and smiles
the vicar had a copy and ready to take over if it got too much that took the pressure off
personally it helped not to look at anyone as soon as you see upset people it sets you off ( thinking of your DD here )
the vicar was an amazing help writing the eulogy

TheOrigRights · 18/03/2023 06:46

All the grandchildren attended their grandparents funerals. Age from babe in arms to 10.
Both had church then woodland burial followed wake or meal.
Other adults were on hand to assist if needed.
I personally think this was a perfectly healthy approach.
My own vivid memory of my own grandmas funeral is thinking it was going to be a rather dull day to finding that at the wake most people were more upbeat. I think it helped me learn about the process and that has shaped my view on taking children.
Unless the circumstances around a death are particularly complicated or difficult I think it's something children shouldn't be hidden from and will help them manage funerals of their own parents deaths.

londonrach · 18/03/2023 06:59

Depends on the child and age but do agree funerals are important for children to attend as death is apart of life. You know your child and if able to cope. Sorry for your loss x

Wynston · 18/03/2023 07:06

So sorry for your loss.
I took my dc to my dads funeral they were 10 and 5 at the time.
I did ask what they wanted to do and i explained that he would be in a coffin and we would follow in the car behind etc.
They wrote grandad goodbye letters and pictures and i slipped them into the coffin a few days before.
I hope that the day goes smoothly for you. x

CoalCraft · 18/03/2023 07:15

If it were me I'd take her but have DH on standby to take her outside if she got overwhelmed.

I actually took my DD to my grandad's funeral when she was four months old? She was obviously none the wiser though and spent most of it at the back of the church grumbling at DH.

Peccary · 18/03/2023 07:20

For my mum, I chose not to take my then 4yo to the crem but she did come to the wake. The decision was about me, not her though. I needed to support my dad and siblings and needed DH to support me. It was a small service and there was no-one to take her out if she got upset. I would have taken her to someone less close though.

We didn't hold back about death when explaining to her and she understood the "party for granny"

MRex · 18/03/2023 07:28

It depends on your child and family really, so what you think suits those closest and anyone else's opinion doesn't matter. We've always had children at family funerals. At my father's recently, we had DH and BIL grandparents there, and they took the kids out when they got restless. DS misses his grandad, keeping him away from the funeral wouldn't have shielded him from understanding that his grandad was gone. It didn't fully explain everything either, he still has questions he asks sometimes. The kids were a joy at the wake, they enjoyed running around and chatting, really they brought relief for everyone. In our family we do funny stories at wakes rather than quiet reflections though, so it suited us but might not work for some.

VenusClapTrap · 18/03/2023 07:28

Going against the grain, I wouldn’t. I would need to focus on my own grief, and small children are distracting. It’s a very personal thing though; lots of people like children at funerals and think they lift the mood. I don’t really want the mood lifting.

Poppymil · 18/03/2023 07:40

My niece came to our Great Grandads funeral when she was about 4, as daft as it may sound she made the whole thing better. My GGDad passed away on the same day as our GGM just a couple of years later so it was already quite sad as the funeral was in the same church ect but having a little one there helped, she behaved 99% of the time but little things like shouting grandad and don't cry it's okay really brought a smile to peoples faces.

Notimeforaname · 18/03/2023 09:10

Yeah we always went to funerals as kids. I think it helps you understand what's happening sooner. I know some people who were "shielded " from death and funerals growing up and are still unable to cope with them now.

Drifta · 18/03/2023 09:32

4 is a tricky age, she won't understand enough to be able to decide for herself really. We gave ours a choice at 6 and 8. The youngest said no and I feel that was the right decision for him. We've taken babies and an 8 year old to funerals and IMO it's fine for there to be a few years in-between where they don't go.

I think it's asking an awful lot of you to be there for her emotionally as well as doing the eulogy, unless you have someone else there she'll be happy going to when upset, when her mum is there in the room. Ultimately she will be ok whether she does or doesn't go. But he was your grandad. What's best for your daughter is actually less important here than your feelings, your needs, what you are able to cope with. Your daughter will need her parents to help her process her grief anyway, it doesn't have to happen at the funeral when you have the least spare resources to help her. Co-regulation can only happen when the adult is regulated themselves.

SNWannabe · 18/03/2023 09:37

If you have someone you can trust that she’s close enough to, then yes- and use that person to be responsible for your dd so if she is too upset or just bored, that person knows to take her out. I wouldn’t use your DH unless you have other support too as it’s a difficult day for you… but it would be nice for your dd to be there and it’s healthy to see other people sad when someone dies but be happy they were part of your lives for so long. And normalise death- it isn’t a tragedy when someone who has lived long enough to have great grandchildren dies, it’s a celebration of their life.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 18/03/2023 11:11

My 2 were 3 and 4 when their Grandad died. We decided they were too young to understand and adults crying might have distressed them. They went to nursery / school in the day. We took them to see the flowers at church next day they have put flowers on grave since but I feel it was the right thing at such a young age.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. 💐

Timmy2023 · 18/03/2023 11:14

I think it depends on the child. I'm leaning towards no, simply because I am positive I would not have coped at my own Dad's funeral. I had a panic attack and had to go outside. I honestly felt I was about to faint. The whole day was awful.

I was fairly sure I was going to be ok, but I wasn't. I was a complete wreck.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread