Not getting through to three year old

[rayofsuns]

I am so tired of trying to tame her and make her behave better. She's a lovely little girl and I adore her, but it's very difficult to actually get through to her / teach her things sometimes.

Or maybe I'm not doing it right ? I did teach her to hang up her coat when she gets in recently. I only showed her a couple of times and now she does it.

But other stuff, is just hopeless and seems to go in one ear and out of the other. ' don't kick ' ' share with your brother ' ' don't push him down he's trying to play at your table ' etc etc.

This week she went out with grandma to a cafe and apparently dropped her biscuit on the floor and then tried to eat it. I've obviously told her before that we don't do that. I have no idea why she did that with grandma. She also apparently tried to lick crumbs off the table. All of these things are things she's obviously been told not to do in the past.

Her tantrums can be quite bad too. This week I've taken a bit of a harder line with her when she's having excessive tantrums about not getting her own way. The other day she wanted chocolate but we didn't have any and a very long tantrum ensued. In the end I told her to just stop and be quiet. I did all the validating of feelings first and left her to it, but it just would not stop. So I told her to STOP, that's enough now. Etc. I then felt like I had been harsh.

I am finding it difficult to find the balance between validating her feelings and comforting her when she's sad she's not getting her way OR disciplining her properly without feeling like I'm really horrible.

Sounds like you have unreasonable expectations of your 3 yr old. Of course she knows things but she has poor impulse control so you just need to keep reminding her.

This all sounds very normal to me. You, me and the queen probably all did similar at 3. It’s a normal developmental stage and she will get more sensible as she gets older.

You didn’t really validate her feelings, I think, as you didn’t actually think they were valid. I personally wait tantrums out, they pass, it’s not a huge deal.

I sympathise hugely though, my toddler is hard work. So cute! So charming! Such hard work!

Um she sounds like she's 3 and still learning about regulating her emotions and responses. Some adults have still to learn so she's doing well really. 3 year olds are exhausting, girls in particular, but she really does sound like she's just being a pretty standard 3 year old girl so you're doing more right than you probably realise!

I absolutely validated her feelings about being sad that there was no chocolate, at first. After over 5 minutes of absolute hysteria, I told her to stop and that it's ' enough '. I felt mean. And I

This is just how they are at age 3 OP! Keep reminding yourself that this is annoying but developmentally normal.

She’s 3!

very impulsive at that age and not exactly prone to emotional stability 🤣🤣🤣

use positive language - instead of saying “don’t kick”, try and distract her or get her doing something else.

Many tantrums can be predicted so try and keep that in mind. Eg think about hunger, tiredness and boredom.

Bring plenty of snacks and distractions for days out.

Once I understood my toddlers and preschoolers then we had the best time. It was one of my favourite ages. It was when they hit 4/5 that it got challenging as the parenting tricks I had didn’t work!

5 mins of hysteria! My DD is nearing 5 and can still have a good old tantrum for up to half an hour or so if she's really going for it. 5 mins sounds great to me.

Echoing other PP that this is normal behaviour for a 3 yo. As I say, mine is nearing 5 and she often doesn't share nicely with her younger brother, or hang her coat up (often point blank refuses at first even after I've asked her...) and so on. It is frustrating so I get that like.

Um, she is 3. You have very unreasonable expectations.

She’s 3. It’s all perfectly normal behaviour

I appreciate this thanks. I just can't tell what I should expect and what I shouldn't sometimes.

There was another girl, 3, telling my DD off for not acting properly. I think my DD hadn't asked before she used someone else's ball. And this little girl the same age was saying my DD needs to ask before taking stuff.

It made me feel like my DD is super behind. She's obviously been told how to behave so many times, but she still gets it wrong and I can't see her correcting another child like this. She would probably just snatch the ball back or cry.

Then my MIL made such a huge deal about the biscuits and the crumbs etc. like i hadn't taught my DD not to eat off the floor.. so I probably do expect way too much.

When my children were born I certainly hoped that thanks to my superb parenting skills, one day they would become mature, well socialised, law abiding adults.

Never in my wildest dreams did I expect them (or me) to achieve that by age 3.

"There was another girl, 3, telling my DD off for not acting properly. I think my DD hadn't asked before she used someone else's ball. And this little girl the same age was saying my DD needs to ask before taking stuff.

It made me feel like my DD is super behind. She's obviously been told how to behave so many times, but she still gets it wrong and I can't see her correcting another child like this. She would probably just snatch the ball back or cry.

Then my MIL made such a huge deal about the biscuits and the crumbs etc. like i hadn't taught my DD not to eat off the floor.. so I probably do expect way too much."

OP this sounds like other people's expectations more than yours or your daughter's.
The other child I would bet money that they do all sorts of things they're not supposed to! They're repeating what they've been told themselves. It absolutely does not mean your little one is behind at all. What even is "behind"? She's developing at the rate that is right for her, she's doing fine.
Your MIL must be a right numpty if she genuinely thinks you encourage your child to eat off the floor. Of course you don't! My husband is in his 40s and will still eat anything he's dropped on the floor- that's disgusting cos well yuck yet kinda reassuring as he's clearly survived.
Your MIL is clearly forgetting what it was like raising a toddler herself. And how is it remotely helpful of her to tell you anyway? If I were babysitting a relative's child I wouldn't come back and tell the parent all the things their child did wrongly, that's not nice at all.
Big hugs OP. You sound like a lovely normal mum with a lovely very normal little girl ♥️

What's one handed clapping?

Go read up on childhood development stages in a psychology text book. You need to get over this expectation of a reasoned behaviour at 3, it's absurd. Heaven help you in the teen years if you don't learn more about their developing brains. Good luck OP

Wow have you ever met a child? 😂 This is so normal. It really isn't worth getting stressed out by a kid eating a biscuit off the floor. My friends 3 year old licked a public bin the other day

Logic doesn't even begin to develop until age 5 and it takes until around age 25 to be able to develop impulse control.

Give yourself a break. Read up on what is normal toddler behaviour and stop comparing your lovely child to anyone else. You sound like you're doing fine, and shouting STOP will never work, although it also won't damage your child if you lose your temper very occasionally..

Fwiw my 5yr and 8yr old would both pick up a biscuit off the floor. We apply the 5 second rule!

5 minutes? Your expectations are unreasonable and unrealistic.

There used to be something called the age of reason. It was around 5. Before this age it was recognized that children were very emotional little beings and incapable of the reason and understanding explanation of reasons that a 5 yo can understand.
And I think there is a lot of truth in it. Toddlers have very little impulse control. Are emotional driven and impulsive.
Im not sure what validation feelings is - mine are 15 and 18 and I don’t think we had that when I was in the toddler trenches. One DC would usually respond well to a cuddle and some comfort in a tantrum. The other DC hated that and was better with distraction and letting him just scream it out. His tantrums could last a looong time - an hour easy.
This phase will pass. But there’s a balance to be had between giving the tantrum attention and walking away. Believe in your natural authority as her Mum. Don’t give too many in-depth explanations and recognize that in a tantrum they are beyond rational thought or reach and it just needs to burn out. But they need a hug/cuddle near the end to be comforted.

This is how not to raise a well-adjusted child.

Why are girls in particular exhausting?

don’t toddler boys behave this way?

🙄

It does sound normal. My 3 year old does lots of stuff like you’ve described.