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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not getting through to three year old

75 replies

rayofsuns · 17/03/2023 18:23

I am so tired of trying to tame her and make her behave better. She's a lovely little girl and I adore her, but it's very difficult to actually get through to her / teach her things sometimes.

Or maybe I'm not doing it right ? I did teach her to hang up her coat when she gets in recently. I only showed her a couple of times and now she does it.

But other stuff, is just hopeless and seems to go in one ear and out of the other. ' don't kick ' ' share with your brother ' ' don't push him down he's trying to play at your table ' etc etc.

This week she went out with grandma to a cafe and apparently dropped her biscuit on the floor and then tried to eat it. I've obviously told her before that we don't do that. I have no idea why she did that with grandma. She also apparently tried to lick crumbs off the table. All of these things are things she's obviously been told not to do in the past.

Her tantrums can be quite bad too. This week I've taken a bit of a harder line with her when she's having excessive tantrums about not getting her own way. The other day she wanted chocolate but we didn't have any and a very long tantrum ensued. In the end I told her to just stop and be quiet. I did all the validating of feelings first and left her to it, but it just would not stop. So I told her to STOP, that's enough now. Etc. I then felt like I had been harsh.

I am finding it difficult to find the balance between validating her feelings and comforting her when she's sad she's not getting her way OR disciplining her properly without feeling like I'm really horrible.

OP posts:

Justmeandthedog1 · 17/03/2023 22:21

She’s 3. All normal for a three year old.
If she’s still doing these things at 30, not so normal.
Lighten up a little — she’s only been alive a little over 36 months and has learnt so much already.

Laptopneeded · 17/03/2023 22:23

@cheatingcrackers

Excellent post and yes us adults could do with a refresher on this.

takealettermsjones · 17/03/2023 22:31

33goingon64 · 17/03/2023 21:51

Don't validate her feelings when she's having a tantrum. A tantrum is literally a fuss about nothing. Ignore ignore ignore. Validating feelings when she's being unreasonable is basically a green card to throw a wobbly whenever she wants your attention.

I've never understood this attitude tbh. "She's only doing it for attention." So? She can have my attention. She needs it. She's 3!

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 17/03/2023 22:34

Yeah, your expectations are far too high.
I have a 3 year old and they’re very hard work and have very little reason or impulse control.

sofasofa42 · 17/03/2023 22:48

😂😂😂please report me to child line. My 5 year old does this . Is this thread legit?
My 5 yr old is brilliant and none of her behaviour would make me come to Mumsnet. She still does ALL this . Today she upended all her smarties and picked everyone up and ate them.. I startled to object, then reminded myself the human race had got this far.. she'll be fine.
With respect- take a breath and get over the fact she is a child and also that she is a child.

thelengthspeoplegoto · 17/03/2023 23:00

My child is 11. I still have to say things over and over. Can't see it happening anytime soon, sorry OP.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 18/03/2023 00:27

rayofsuns · 17/03/2023 18:31

I absolutely validated her feelings about being sad that there was no chocolate, at first. After over 5 minutes of absolute hysteria, I told her to stop and that it's ' enough '. I felt mean. And I

Show quote history

5 mins is nothing. Imagine being as upset as she was, it would take more than 5 mins to call down right? And she's 3. Your expectations are higher for her than for an adult.

In that situation I'd take my son off to the side. I'd say 'i know you're upset about x, we're going to take some deep breaths to calm down' then I'd sit with him or cuddle him and take deep breaths, periodically saying 'im here, we're going to alm down together then we'll sort this out' he's 5 now so doenst take long but at 3, at a softplay? Definitely more than 5 mins.

Once calm we'd talk about what happened. And repeat, repetition is key until toddlers get it and it doesn't take once, twice or 10 times. They've no impulse control, it takes lots of repitition. As I say at 5 mine gets most instructions and meltdowns are minimal, at 3 it was fairly constant, it's a rough age.

Redkettle · 18/03/2023 00:31

I had a 3 year old who was an angel. Grew up to be defiant and a nightmare lol my other 3 year old was hell, grew up to be an absolute dream. Both super intelligent, caring and gorgeous people. In short, this will pass lol

surreygirl1987 · 18/03/2023 00:45

Aw she's 3. This is what 3 year olds do!

Lavender14 · 18/03/2023 00:51

Hi op yes I think you're expecting a little much. If you think about it she's able to do tasks you set her, but the other things involve emotional regulation and impulse control which she's not going to have just yet. I think the best way to approach this is positive reinforcement. When you see her share point it out and say wow I see you shared with Bobby there, that was very nicely done good job. Or if she's wanting to kick you say (as you remove her) I see you want to kick Bobby, it looks like you feel angry or upset,I understand but I won't let you hurt Bobby. Let's go and build a jigsaw instead. I'd look into teaching emotional regulation and empathy and try to build that into your parenting. The more you can praise her and set her up for moments well done the more that will connect with her.

MrsAvocet · 18/03/2023 01:27

Don't compare her too much to other children either OP. They might be being beautifully behaved at the moment you see them, but remember that is only a snapshot and they are almost certainly not angelic all the time. In fact it is very likely that there are occasions when other parents look at your DD and wish their child was behaving like her. She sounds like a pretty standard 3 year old to me - I wouldn't be worried by anything you're describing.

WandaWonder · 18/03/2023 01:30

My childs behaviour at that age doesn't really stand out but at 3 I wasn't expecting much really

It may help to lower what you expect to start with

Endofmytetherfinally · 18/03/2023 03:37

Grandparents have a habit of totally forgetting what their own kids were actually like and at what age. I hear "you were so easy at that age, never made a fuss, could do x y and Z". It's not true. It's just rose tinted glasses.

MisschiefMaker · 18/03/2023 08:50

So I told her to STOP, that's enough now. Etc.

Out of interest, does that work? Does it shock her out of it?

BumpyaDaisyevna · 18/03/2023 08:58

I think we can be very off in our understanding of child development.

I remember doing the mentalisation test with mine at age three and being shocked that they didn't get it.

Then doing it again at aged five or so and they'd mastered it.

3 year olds have immature minds, low impulse control and emotional regulation.

It's what they're working on right now and by the time your DD is older she will be more developed.

She needs you to model emotional regulation for her, to help her process her feelings so she can have an experience of how to turn overwhelming feelings into manageable ones. She will then learn how to do that for herself in due course.

Original poster

rayofsuns · 18/03/2023 08:59

MisschiefMaker · 18/03/2023 08:50

So I told her to STOP, that's enough now. Etc.

Out of interest, does that work? Does it shock her out of it?

Yes it helps finish the tantrum, but it feels mean / wrong / abusive tbh.

Rarely I also do it before it really takes off. I just stop her before she gets too into it and it helps then too. But again, it doesn't feel right.

Sometimes when she manages to calm herself down on her own, she says ' sorry mummy '. She must have got the message that it's ' wrong ' to have big feelings. Which makes me very sad of course. But sometimes it's so much that we have to tell her to just STOP / cut it out etc.

OP posts:

MisschiefMaker · 18/03/2023 09:19

@rayofsuns how is that crueler than letting her wail for an hour like a PP suggested?!

Can't you just give her a cuddle and a chat after saying STOP? Or does that start the tantrum up again?

Original poster

rayofsuns · 18/03/2023 09:26

MisschiefMaker · 18/03/2023 09:19

@rayofsuns how is that crueler than letting her wail for an hour like a PP suggested?!

Can't you just give her a cuddle and a chat after saying STOP? Or does that start the tantrum up again?

Did I ever say that I think it's OK to let her wail on her own ? I don't think so.

Yes exactly, I'm there for a cuddle at all times. Even when I tell her to stop now.

OP posts:

Danikm151 · 18/03/2023 09:29

Have you told her why you’re making her stop?

eg: Don’t kick because it hurts?
Don’t eat off the floor because it’s dirty and you could get poorly
we don’t throw because things could get broken
There’s no chocolate because we need to go to the shop.. do you want to help?

If she understands why she might do things you don’t want less

ShapesAndNumbers · 18/03/2023 09:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

rayofsuns · 18/03/2023 09:35

Danikm151 · 18/03/2023 09:29

Have you told her why you’re making her stop?

If she understands why she might do things you don’t want less

Yes I do.

I have a good example of something that just happened..

She was watching her iPad. She then threw her iPad at her brother's head. She has a habit of throwing it around. I have told her a million times that we don't throw because things break.

Anyway she threw it at his head. He was upset. I told her that we don't throw things at people because it hurts them.

I told her if she does it again, I will take her iPad. I explained all of this very calmly.

She threw it again, so now I've taken it away. I don't know if she has fully understood. She just tried to step on his head. I told her not to step on his head and now she's upset..

OP posts:

Tellyaddict123 · 18/03/2023 09:39

Sounds like every 3 year old I know! 100% normal.

On the validation in emotions In similar situations this is how it goes for us: I understand you really want that chocolate but I don’t have enough pennies today, maybe we can get it next time we come? Or we have already had a treat today we should listen to our tummies and make sure we are feeding it something with more nutrients to grow big a strong, can you think of a food with lots of nutrients?

There’s different ways of validation emotions, if you are just saying I understand your upset it’s ok to be upset I never get anywhere with my 3 year old as we get stuck in the emotional side. I have found talking through some options helps them come out the other side…for my 3 year old everyone’s different

zingally · 18/03/2023 11:27

Sounds like the typical weird shit a regular 3yo gets up to!

Forgooodnesssakenow · 19/03/2023 01:56

rayofsuns · 18/03/2023 08:59

Yes it helps finish the tantrum, but it feels mean / wrong / abusive tbh.

Rarely I also do it before it really takes off. I just stop her before she gets too into it and it helps then too. But again, it doesn't feel right.

Show quote history

In your post you seem to understand she needs to know it's ok to have big feekings

So why do you need to tell her to stop because it's too much?

She's not allowed to express she's upset to you? 5 mins is such a brief time period. She can't have 5 mins to be upset?

beachpearl · 19/03/2023 03:49

I think it would be weirder for a 3 year old to stop and think they shouldn't eat their biscuit off the floor. That thinking changes the older you get. Adults walk past puddles without a thought. Kids jump in them. Walking past is like torture 😂 because they are kids

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