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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not getting through to three year old

75 replies

rayofsuns · 17/03/2023 18:23

I am so tired of trying to tame her and make her behave better. She's a lovely little girl and I adore her, but it's very difficult to actually get through to her / teach her things sometimes.

Or maybe I'm not doing it right ? I did teach her to hang up her coat when she gets in recently. I only showed her a couple of times and now she does it.

But other stuff, is just hopeless and seems to go in one ear and out of the other. ' don't kick ' ' share with your brother ' ' don't push him down he's trying to play at your table ' etc etc.

This week she went out with grandma to a cafe and apparently dropped her biscuit on the floor and then tried to eat it. I've obviously told her before that we don't do that. I have no idea why she did that with grandma. She also apparently tried to lick crumbs off the table. All of these things are things she's obviously been told not to do in the past.

Her tantrums can be quite bad too. This week I've taken a bit of a harder line with her when she's having excessive tantrums about not getting her own way. The other day she wanted chocolate but we didn't have any and a very long tantrum ensued. In the end I told her to just stop and be quiet. I did all the validating of feelings first and left her to it, but it just would not stop. So I told her to STOP, that's enough now. Etc. I then felt like I had been harsh.

I am finding it difficult to find the balance between validating her feelings and comforting her when she's sad she's not getting her way OR disciplining her properly without feeling like I'm really horrible.

OP posts:

Original poster

rayofsuns · 17/03/2023 19:25

Krustykrabpizza · 17/03/2023 19:09

Wow have you ever met a child? 😂 This is so normal. It really isn't worth getting stressed out by a kid eating a biscuit off the floor. My friends 3 year old licked a public bin the other day

I agree. I Tell her not to eat stuff that's fallen on the floor, of course. It doesn't even cross my mind to think of it as a problem that I need to sometimes remind her not to eat stuff that's fallen on the floor, but my MIL thought it was important to mention it several times and how shocked she was...

It really annoyed me actually. Next time I'll just say ' oh ok, I hope you reminded her not to eat it. She's there and is learning and we need to keep reminding her of these things '.

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 17/03/2023 19:28

Take the audience away from a tantrum.

user1471453601 · 17/03/2023 19:30

It's interesting to me that the example you give where she complied with your request (hanging her coat up) was at a time when, I presume, she wasn't in the throes of an emotion.

In contrast, your requests to, for example, not kick her sibling, sounds like she could have been experiencing a strong emotion at the time.

If these comparisons ring a bell with you, perhaps try talking to her once the strong emotion has dissipated.

VestaTilley · 17/03/2023 19:37

YABU. This is totally normal for her age. Have boundaries and be consistent- and don’t be too impatient with her; she is only 3.

SamMil · 17/03/2023 19:42

It's totally normal for a 3 year old! I'm sure you're doing a brilliant job 😊

Flittingaboutagain · 17/03/2023 19:46

My husband has similarly unreasonable expectations of our toddler. I think it comes down to not understanding child development.

Whitewolf2 · 17/03/2023 20:04

Your MIL hasn’t parented small kids for a long time. My 5 year old still needs reminding not to eat thing’s they dropped. Or not to lick a post… To be honest my 7 year old would probably give dropped food a go if I wasn’t looking! I think expectations are key here…

WonderingWanda · 17/03/2023 20:05

I think, as others have said, that you can say these things to a 3 year old but they won't necessarily remember or do them next time. You still have to do so much for them and keep your eyes on them a lot. Lots of repetition. So for example, if she picks food up from the floor just say cheerfully "oh no remember that's yucky". Just keep modeling what you want and praise her when she gets it right.

takealettermsjones · 17/03/2023 20:16

Your MIL sounds a bit out of touch if she's shocked by a three year old eating a biscuit off the floor. That was her biscuit! Come hell or high water she is eating her biscuit!

They need absolutely everything spelling out for them at that age. And again. And then again for good measure.

What seems to help my DD is explaining what she can do instead. So e.g. there's no chocolate today, but we can have a drink of milk and read this book instead if you like? Or it's not okay to kick your brother, if he's bothering you, you can say "Mummy, Alfie is in my space/spoiling my jigsaw/eating my food." etc etc.

Lotus717 · 17/03/2023 20:19

It sounds totally normal. I sometimes feel like having a tantrum when there’s no chocolate!
My 3 year old used to get on the floor and try (and sometimes succeed) in eating the cat crunchies. I had one child that was very gentle and calm and one like a mini tyrant. Neither is wrong or right or more advanced just different temperaments.

iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened · 17/03/2023 20:21

@Lastnamedidntstick sorry I was away having dinner so missed your reply.
Yes boys are exhausting too of course, I have boys and girls. From my own experience girls are just somehow a little more relentless overall (still amazing and wonderful before anyone comes for me) Boys are a whole bundle of energy but for me they were always slightly less intense than the girls. Wish I could give a reason but no idea, all brought up the same with same family etc 😄 But of course they're all brilliant in their own ways.

Lastnamedidntstick · 17/03/2023 20:31

iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened · 17/03/2023 20:21

So from your own experience that extrapolates to all girls? Ok then.

sweetcornfeta · 17/03/2023 20:31

Don't give it another thought

Three year olds are little devils

Ride the storm. By the time she's five, you will be turning a corner

iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened · 17/03/2023 20:37

@Lastnamedidntstick having a tough day there Lastname? I was reassuring OP in a lighthearted manner but you seem to have taken great issue with one sentence.
I speak from my experience as a parent of 6 and from my many decades working directly with toddlers, by all means if you feel better by believing I'm wrong that's totally ok.
Hope you have a restful weekend where possible. Life is far too short to spend it picking apart what other mums happen to say on Mumsnet.

pjani · 17/03/2023 21:18

Yes love that suggested response to your MIL. Frankly she’s being a bit silly/m/forgetful and it’s not worth your time or effort to even think much about it. If she’s that judgemental it may affect her relationship with her GC and that’s on her not you. If she has the idea that you just tell a toddler to stop doing something and they then stop and never do it again just HA HA (long day with a toddler here).

newtb · 17/03/2023 21:23

Apparently if you use the word 'don't' it just gets filtered out and the child hears it as an instruction to do whatever is not wanted.

Atnilpoe · 17/03/2023 21:27

@Harping0n

the age of reason is 7!

BurbageBrook · 17/03/2023 21:36

I'd eat a biscuit off the floor now! Expectations are way too high of your three year old from both you and your MIL.

33goingon64 · 17/03/2023 21:51

Don't validate her feelings when she's having a tantrum. A tantrum is literally a fuss about nothing. Ignore ignore ignore. Validating feelings when she's being unreasonable is basically a green card to throw a wobbly whenever she wants your attention.

ShapesAndNumbers · 17/03/2023 21:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

JauntyJollyfish · 17/03/2023 22:04

I wouldn't worry too much about the other child telling her off - my nearly 3 year old (actually also sometimes my 6 year old...) is perfectly capable of telling other kids off for doing the wrong thing, and then doing the exact same thing himself!

And also the cookie thing, if my toddler dropped a cookie on the floor unless it was dirty I'd probably let him eat it...I'd be gutted if someone took a cookie off me! So if you are a bad parent, I am terrible.

SuperSleepyBaby · 17/03/2023 22:13

she sounds like a very normal 3 year old!

Maybe see the positives in her personality- do you want an obedient drone? My dad was a little scary and i was from well behaved as a result - but it did me no favours in life.

cheatingcrackers · 17/03/2023 22:14

33goingon64 · 17/03/2023 21:51

Err… nope. A tantrum is literally a child’s immaturely developed brain responding to overwhelming emotions, which s/he will ultimately learn to regulate healthily with modelling from caregivers. Validating feelings is basically a way of showing a child that, although not all behaviours are acceptable, all emotions are acceptable and that we don’t need to be overwhelmed by them because it’s safe to express them calmly (ish - how many adults do you know who always express their emotions calmly? Wouldn’t it be great if we’d all been really taught this stuff as kids?)

OP, it sounds like you have a lovely, normal 3yo.
FWIW I look back and cannot believe how high my expectations were of my oldest when she was 3/4/5.

As others have said - stick with the positive language “we do this” rather than “we don’t do that”, stick with the empathy (and really feel the empathy, if you can - kids can always tell when you mean it and my goodness do they respond well when you do), stick with the ignoring MIL’s comments.

Lordofthebutterfloofs · 17/03/2023 22:16

She's 3. It's your expectations OP not your daughters behaviour. She isn't a doll.

Laptopneeded · 17/03/2023 22:20

As other pp said expecting way too much and it doesn't matter what any other child can do yours can't a d I'm sure she can do what the others can't.

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