DSS and X-Box

[Hop27]

DSS is 15, he stays with us on and off. No set pattern, just comes to us when it suits him, his mum. He recently asked if he could upgrade his X-Box, DH and I agreed he could trade in his old PS and X-box and use his (DH funded) pocket money to bridge the gap but he was short 150 so I gave him the extra cash. He has an X-box at his mum's but it's an older version.
He needed to pick up something for School whilst we were out so DH told him to let himself in to collect what he needed, and to grab any other 'kit' he needed (meaning clothes, it's the word we use, do you need kit washing for school / sport / going out etc) DH went into his room and the bloody x-box is gone. AIBU to think he should have asked if he could take it, and that it needs to be brought back. For one he won't come over if his x-box isn't here and I don't really want it damaged being bringing it backwards and forwards every couple of days. It's not like he can throw it in his bag for school like a pair of trainers or tee.
Or is it DSS's to do with as he pleases?

General consensus on here is always that he can do what he pleases with his belongings, but personally I'm with you and think he should have asked. I'd expect him to ask before taking anything that was bought for him to use in your house - bedsheets, bedroom furnishings etc. Even though they are technically "his".

I've recently realised that the requirement for kids to ask before doing something they haven't done before is a parenting difference, because it's always annoyed me that my DSS just helps himself to things around the house that I'm not really ok with him using in the way he uses them, without thinking to ask. These are small things that crop up all the time - for example, last weekend he moved two garden ornaments and used them as goalposts to play football with. Given they were visibly quite breakable, it annoyed me that he would just do this without asking. But my DP said he wouldn't have asked as a kid either. I would have done.

I think parents have different expectations about asking without checking.

• taking things without checking, not asking without checking.

I'd expect him to ask before taking anything that was bought for him to use in your house - bedsheets, bedroom furnishings etc.

This wasn't bought for him though, it was bought by him. Except the extra cash that OP gave him.

I can see what you're saying OP, and I agree it would have been polite of him to mention it. But I agree with others that it's his to do as he wants with. And for teens, having a new xbox is a big deal. He's not going to want to use his crappy old one at his Mum's when he knows there's a perfectly good one at his Dad's.
For me, the idea of moving an Xbox is a big deal. It's heavy, cumbersome, and I wouldn't know how to connect it up again! But for teens it's nothing. My kids take theirs on holiday with them, even if we're only going away for the weekend!

Well it was part funded by him - they may have bought the old consoles he traded in for him and she gave a big chunk of cash, meaning he only really spent his pocket money.

But regardless, this would probably factor into my decision to say yes. But I'd still expect him to ask.

No that's fair enough @aSofaNearYou - but I assume (just from posts you've posted previously) that you'd have made your expectations known when the purchase was initially made, too.

I think it's difficult with children with two homes if boundaries aren't made clear.

When does a gift you buy someone become theirs?

If they brought HIM The old consoles that means they were his also. Unless they where a household purchase and I’m sure op would have mentioned that.

Birthday and Christmas gifts of games consoles are no different to trainers or pants once given it’s theirs.

That's a funny one really - my DSS does know that we've said he can't take things back with him in the past so I think he would ask that. But things do regularly come up where I would have expected him to ask and he doesn't, like the example I gave before.

Yes, I imagine it does come from the two households thing, he lives somewhere where there's a lot of junk lying around so he's probably allowed to just help himself to most things he finds around and do what he wants with it, including possibly break it. I understand that, but the difference can be jarring.

Nope.

*When does a gift you buy someone become theirs?

If they brought HIM The old consoles that means they were his also. Unless they where a household purchase and I’m sure op would have mentioned that.

Birthday and Christmas gifts of games consoles are no different to trainers or pants once given it’s theirs.*

I think this is a matter of opinion tbh. We do buy DSS gifts specifically to be kept at ours - including clothes and toys - we don't have the money to buy those things twice. He's a bit younger though and never brings those things back if we let him take them, it might be different if he reliably brought them back.

I don't think there is a one size fits all answer to this. Not everybody takes your approach.

Well my take would be either it's his as you gifted it or it's his as he partially paid for it.

And if he doesn't have it with him then he isn't going to get the use out of it - so it's logic to take it with him ?

If you had a different expectation then before any purchase was made it should have been made explicitly clear to him as then he would have limited use and could judge of it was worth keep saving to own it completely.

No wonder he doesn’t want to come round much

why do you even care?

I think this is parenting differences. I know that in some houses kids are allowed to use whatever food is in the kitchen where as my kids are expected to ask just in case it's for dinner. I've seen it called controlling in some threads but it works for our household.

If you expected the Xbox to stay at yours then it should have been funded by you and your partner. He sold his belongings to make up part of the cost so it's up to him where the Xbox lives imo. I'm not sure why you think that the console will be damaged if he carries it between houses. My ds has been doing it for 10 years and never damaged his console.

I suspect he just didn't think.

I expect he will bring the old X-Box from his mum's to yours now.

What was the discussion around the £150 you gave him? Was it a gift or a loan for him or DH to repay?

If you want a 15 year old to choose to come around then you need to start respecting that his belongings are his and treating him as someone with some agency and autonomy.

He'll be an adult in three short years. He should own his own things and make his own choices without step mum policing them.

If his console breaks in transit then that's on him.

He should have done the deal with her, not with us. Currently he has 2 at his mum's none at ours.

Maybe you should have negotiated the terms and conditions before handing him the cash? Its his property. Who is going to steal it? His mum?

does it belong to the household or to him? It sounded like the latter, in which case he can take it where he likes. An x box is pretty portable, not really the same as carrying a tv around

YABU. You clearly funded the gift with the condition that he keeps it at your house. The problem is, you didn't communicate this to him. A 15 year old wouldn't have thought "oh they bought it for me so I need to keep it here". Presumably he is allowed to take other things he buys with his pocket money, to his mums house?

You're being ridiculous. And I still wonder what you think should've happened if his dad had said no.

When you have him the £150 towards the Xbox- did you explain that it wasn't a gift, you were purchasing an equitable interest over X% of the Xbox and so it wasn't 'his' Xbox as much as a shared asset between the two of you.

Could he buy you out?

If his DF bought the unit that he traded in for it, then actually is ownership split three ways?

Do you take this approach to everything you pay for for him.

It's his! Probably the only reason he didn't take the flat screen was because it's too big and awkward to carry easily. If you'd bought him something else expensive- a nice watch or expensive trainers, or a phone or whatever you wouldn't expect him to only keep it at yours?

Did your DH agree with you giving him the £150? It seems bizarre - his dad is trying to teach him the value of money by making him sell an old possession to get a new one and use his own savings, then his step mum just gives him £150 no problem, seems to counteract the purpose.

Why did you give him so much money for something unnecessary?

Sorry, are people ony allowed to spend money on things that ate necessary now?

He is 15! If he wants to take the new one to his mum's, what is the problem? He is probably delighted with the new console and eager to play it as much as possible.

He traded in his old consoles and is likely grateful for your contribution. Doesn't mean the Xbox should remain at dad's.

If that was always your intention, it should have been made clear at the time so DSS could decide whether to accept your terms or save up more and have freedom with his new console.

Of course not but it's a hell of a lot of money to give a 15yr old.