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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me or my friend?

67 replies

Tellyaddict123 · 16/03/2023 22:02

This has been playing on mind, a friend near by has a little girl around 9 months younger than mine. We have occasionally looked after each other kids on a weekend for a few hours if needed, thinking moving house and big life events.

I have met her husband a few times and haven’t spoken too much. Friend goes away on a business trip and I get a call from her husband around 6pm. He’s caught a sickness bug and asks if I can have their daughter over night. This was mid week and I would then have to drive their child to nursery the next day (not the same nursery as my child) and I would be late to my work.

I said I would see what I can do but ended up saying no. We didn’t want to risk getting a sickness bug and they don’t live super close, its 20mins drive away.

Now my friend has pretty much stoped talking to me and when I brought up the conversation I was told oh yeah we now need to evaluate our support network as he was passing out on the floor and couldn’t care for their daughter.

All I could think is I have done a sickness with kids before it’s not great but you get through it and even if we had grandparents to support I would want to risk them getting it.

Am I a bad friend for not helping?

OP posts:
ourflagmeansdeath · 16/03/2023 22:06

No, it's your decision. You aren't responsible for the support network that she should have established beforehand if this sort of thing occurred. It's sad obviously, but she shouldn't be mad at you for refusing, your reasons were perfectly valid. Considering it was completely last minute (obviously that couldn't be helped from their side) you didn't need to at all. YANBU

Twokidsanddone · 16/03/2023 22:07

YANBU. I've had to take care of my kids while I've had covid, sickness bugs, pneumonia, it's really really hard but it's part of being a parent. People feel sorry for DP all the time if he's sick with the kids and I'm working but I get told well that's life. If he was genuinely passing out on the floor and not coping I guess that's one thing but if he just said he had a sickness bug then it's kind of a case of get on with it. We don't have grandparents etc to support either and it's rough but like you I wouldn't have risked making other people sick for a break. You're allowed to say no for whatever reason you want

MyMumsOnMN · 16/03/2023 22:09

They're being unreasonable. Plenty of parents have to look after their own children when they're ill. He's cheeky to even ask you considering he hardly even knows you. If they don't have family or anyone closer who's happy to help out and risk getting Ill, unlucky them.

MoreSleepPleasee · 16/03/2023 22:11

Yanbu they are being ridiculous. Be glad you are rid of them.

UdoU · 16/03/2023 22:11

Sounds like another man who is trying to offload care of his child to the nearest available woman, and his wife who enables him.

YANBU, I’m glad you said no. What did he have, manflu?

Cheltenbacon · 16/03/2023 22:23

Unless it was a situation where he needed to get urgent medical attention, I can’t see why he even asked you. You still wouldn’t have BU to say no in that circumstance but it’s not your responsibility to facilitate him, especially not to your detriment.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 16/03/2023 22:23

To play devils advocate...did the child have a sickness bug? If not, it's much more likely for an adult to catch a bug from a child than the other way around (I've been vomited on by toddlers but never vomited anywhere near a toddler when I've been sick) so saying you dont want to get sick when the toddler isnt even sick may have been seen as a bit of a leap.

Also if you look after each other kids for a few hours, a couple of hours when the sole parent in charge is pretty incapacitated with illness would seem reasonable. Yes lots of us have looked after kids when we've been ill...but if there was someone available that we each did favours for we might have asked!

Cloudhoppingdancer · 16/03/2023 22:26

What a cheeky man! This is something only a man would do.

Miloticc · 16/03/2023 22:30

I find that women are expected to magically cope with being ill, but when dads are ill the world is ending and they couldn’t possibly do it.

Im separated from my kid’s dad and whenever I hear “I can’t I’m sick/in pain” I think… wtf do you think I do when it happens to me.

YANBU. His emergency wasn’t your emergency and your friend should be more understanding.

PinkSyCo · 16/03/2023 22:32

I think having a nursery school aged child to stay overnight, if they have never stayed over before (I presume this to be the case) is a really big ask. The chances are that the child wouldn’t settle and would keep you all awake and that alone would put me off having the child on a school night, let alone the risk of being late for work, catching what he’s got etc. He was wrong to ask and if your friend wants to get funny about your refusal, let her.

Original poster
Tellyaddict123 · 16/03/2023 22:32

Yes 100% if it was a medical emergency I would have helped. With the expectation family were coming, I wouldn’t have wanted to look after their child for days.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick yeah you are right but I’ve never their child over night and looked after them a handful of times. If it was a weekend during day time hours I may have considered it

OP posts:
Mateyduck · 16/03/2023 22:35

Poor him! He had a bug and had to care for own child alone, like every single mum ever. These people are pathetic, let them go.

chopc · 16/03/2023 22:35

So what is the point of having a support network if they are not going to offer support?

Most people hate asking for help so the husband must have been pretty desperate to ask you.

IScreamAtMichaelangelos · 16/03/2023 22:38

chopc · 16/03/2023 22:35

So what is the point of having a support network if they are not going to offer support?

Most people hate asking for help so the husband must have been pretty desperate to ask you.

Or he just went 'This is unexpectedly challenging, someone else should do it'. Men and women both have this thought, but IME men are way more likely to act on it.

NonsenseBinary · 16/03/2023 22:42

Thats a pretty big ask esp if their dc has never stayed over at yours before. Plus causing you to be late for work. Unless you'd had an agreement for this sort of thing in the first place then shes being unreasonable.

Rinkydinkydoodle · 16/03/2023 22:46

I had one child under school age and a baby, and the worst vomiting bug I’ve ever had in my life (lost ten pounds in a week and actually lay on the floor and wept). DH was far away. No nearby relatives. Horrible time.

The last person I would have asked to step in was a friend with young children. I’d have been too frightened her kids would catch it. That was a massive overstep. I wouldn’t be annoyed he asked, as I can see he was maybe panicking and felt he couldn’t cope but the fact since they’ve doubled down and their ‘network’ phrasing indicates they felt entitled to your time as a helper, which they’re not.

I suspect if he’d phoned and said he thought he was having a heart attack that would have been different but he wasn’t, it was a vomiting bug. You don’t drag other parents of young children in, or at least, I wouldn’t.

SchoolTripDrama · 16/03/2023 22:49

Send them this thread then step away from them. They're not friends

Whypaymumwillsavetheday · 16/03/2023 22:50

Call me suspicious but the sudden, incapacitating sick bug when he's left in sole charge of the child is a bit convenient. If I was genuinely passing out on the floor I would be calling an ambulance

Whypaymumwillsavetheday · 16/03/2023 22:51

Did you find out what happened after you said no? Since he 'couldn't' look after his daughter.

Dibbydoos · 16/03/2023 22:54

He was probably ill, but hibestly as a parent you blast through stuff even when you feel like you're st deaths door, so boo hoo to him.

She isn't your friend, if she thinks you are her support network! This is their prob not yours.

Find new friends x

MyMumsOnMN · 16/03/2023 22:56

chopc · 16/03/2023 22:35

So what is the point of having a support network if they are not going to offer support?

Most people hate asking for help so the husband must have been pretty desperate to ask you.

He had a sickness bug. He wasn't dying. And by the sounds of it, OP isn't usually the first childcare option if something like this does happen.

What would have happened the next day when he was still ill? Would he have expected the same again?

worklifebalancehelp · 16/03/2023 22:56

No idea of the child's age but would 6pm likely be almost bedtime? Unless he's an insomniac I'm sure he could have powered through, bless him Hmm

worklifebalancehelp · 16/03/2023 22:57

*she's an insomniac

Spiderboy · 16/03/2023 22:58

If he was genuinely so ill he was passing out, and contacted you directly bypassing friend, I’d have thought he was seriously desperate. I wouldn’t have said no but I’d have wanted them to pick up and take to nursery the next day if possible

Original poster
Tellyaddict123 · 16/03/2023 23:00

Whypaymumwillsavetheday · 16/03/2023 22:51

Did you find out what happened after you said no? Since he 'couldn't' look after his daughter.

Coped, got through it and got better.

OP posts:
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