Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Me or my friend?

67 replies

Tellyaddict123 · 16/03/2023 22:02

This has been playing on mind, a friend near by has a little girl around 9 months younger than mine. We have occasionally looked after each other kids on a weekend for a few hours if needed, thinking moving house and big life events.

I have met her husband a few times and haven’t spoken too much. Friend goes away on a business trip and I get a call from her husband around 6pm. He’s caught a sickness bug and asks if I can have their daughter over night. This was mid week and I would then have to drive their child to nursery the next day (not the same nursery as my child) and I would be late to my work.

I said I would see what I can do but ended up saying no. We didn’t want to risk getting a sickness bug and they don’t live super close, its 20mins drive away.

Now my friend has pretty much stoped talking to me and when I brought up the conversation I was told oh yeah we now need to evaluate our support network as he was passing out on the floor and couldn’t care for their daughter.

All I could think is I have done a sickness with kids before it’s not great but you get through it and even if we had grandparents to support I would want to risk them getting it.

Am I a bad friend for not helping?

OP posts:
Whypaymumwillsavetheday · 16/03/2023 23:04

Funny that!

Fizzadora · 16/03/2023 23:06

chopc · 16/03/2023 22:35

So what is the point of having a support network if they are not going to offer support?

Most people hate asking for help so the husband must have been pretty desperate to ask you.

Well I don't think the OP realised that she was their support network. Didn't sound like it had ever been discussed.

derbylass81 · 16/03/2023 23:06

UdoU · 16/03/2023 22:11

Sounds like another man who is trying to offload care of his child to the nearest available woman, and his wife who enables him.

YANBU, I’m glad you said no. What did he have, manflu?

Yes, this was my thought.

OP, YANBU

Questions97 · 16/03/2023 23:16

YANBU. We've just got over a sickness bug, it was horrendous I would have loved to call someone to have the kids but didn't want to pass it on so we all struggled though.

moveoverye · 16/03/2023 23:19

Surprised at how many people think yanbu.

I mean sure, you weren't OBLIGED to help. You were fully within your rights not to.

But by prioritising convenience above a friend’s family in their hour of need, you have shown what sort of a friendship you have. You are ‘fair weather’ friends, not ‘through thick and thin’ friends. She obviously thought you had a deeper sort of friendship, but she was mistaken, and is clearly disappointed.

You can’t be everyone’s 3am friend, but I hope that you have some people in your life that you would put yourself out for, because one day you may need that favour returned.

Gagaandgag · 16/03/2023 23:21

Find new friends

Annoyingwurringnoise · 16/03/2023 23:23

So are they going to look after your child when you’re ill with the sickness bug you’ve caught looking after theirs?

no bloody way. If there’s a sickness bug in your house, stay the fuck away from mine.

Bobbi730 · 17/03/2023 00:19

Like someone else said, I have looked after my kids through so many illnesses but the worst was a vomiting bug with a 3 year old and new baby. I was lying on the floor of the bathroom with my head hung over the toilet vomiting whilst trying to breastfeed. It was awful but I got through it. I didn't want to pass it on so stayed in with the kids (we did watch a lot of TV!)
It's rubbish but millions of us have done it alone. Your friend is being ridiculous.

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 17/03/2023 00:32

YANBU.

Out of all their friends and family, you’re top of the list and when you weren’t able to help, they cut you off ….. from being able to help again…?

OK. That makes sense.

I mean, talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face, but whatever.

Tabitha1960 · 17/03/2023 00:39

You said they live "near by" then said they live a 20 minute drive away?

LadyJ2023 · 17/03/2023 01:01

Huh when me and hubby got covid I have never felt so ill in my life but still we had to look after 3 under 2s and a teen plus keep them in with us for the time we had covid. I remember some points hubby ill one bathroom me the other, kids knocking on doors....ahhhh sorry you just gotta push thru for them

FetchezLaVache · 17/03/2023 01:05

UdoU · 16/03/2023 22:11

Sounds like another man who is trying to offload care of his child to the nearest available woman, and his wife who enables him.

YANBU, I’m glad you said no. What did he have, manflu?

^^This, 100%.

28January · 17/03/2023 02:12

As most other people have said women get on with things, men expect a woman to make their life easier.

snitzelvoncrumb · 17/03/2023 02:17

If it was anything but a stomach bug!! If it was that bad the mother would have come home.

EmmaDilemma5 · 17/03/2023 02:21

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I don't think I was in the wrong on this occasion but if you feel I was, then perhaps we just have different ideas on friendship".

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 17/03/2023 02:33

I was told oh yeah we now need to evaluate our support network as he was passing out on the floor

Like fuck was he.

He was conscious enough to ring the nearest available woman & ask her to care for his child. Because obviously it;s a huge ask for a man to solo parent his own child, but a POORLY man ...

Original poster
Tellyaddict123 · 17/03/2023 06:44

Tabitha1960 · 17/03/2023 00:39

You said they live "near by" then said they live a 20 minute drive away?

Sorry this is nearby to me, our family are all 1.5-4hrs away so being 20mins away is close. The more I think about it maybe some people have people round the corner

OP posts:
Odile13 · 17/03/2023 06:50

You didn’t do anything wrong. I would just leave it now. It’s up to her if she wants to rebuild the friendship. You’re allowed to say no. He was cheeky expecting you to be available and willing to help in that situation.

Original poster
Tellyaddict123 · 17/03/2023 06:54

I do think this is something to do with him being him and perhaps male. He is generally quite mopey, struggles to hold down a job and is always complaining, basically like eeyore.

Maybe they had differing expectations of our friendship. Lesson learnt for friends and helping with kids to set some boundaries

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 17/03/2023 06:59

If he was that ill I would have expected your friend to contact you and explain why they needed to ask you this big favour as its not normal for people with a sickness bug in the house to send children elsewhere. I think it was OK to say no and sorry and I assume if it really was desperate your friend would've come back to you and asked again.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 17/03/2023 07:03

If he was that poorly and almost passing out on the floor, I think your friend needs to evaluate HER priorities, in your friends shoes, I'd have cancelled the work trip and gone home.

Support structure, like you mentioned in your case, is a few hours here and there, not an overnight stay for a child you have little to do with.

YANBU

MrsRickAstley · 17/03/2023 07:04

Ok ....how is the child ? You say 9 months younger than yours. Unless you've said & I missed it.

My thinking ... he called at 6pm so say hypothetically you had agreed, by the time you'd got over to collect child it would have been nearer 7pm. Which if the child is younger, would be around bedtime ? So how much caring would he need to do ? Suck it up for an hour & put child to bed early 🤷‍♀️

Child then in bed & he could vomit through the night ?! It would be out of his system next day, childs at nursery & he has a day of rest.

Orrrr the cynic in me, did he have a bug the night his wife is away ? Hmmm 🤔

MrsRickAstley · 17/03/2023 07:05

*old

Apollaine · 17/03/2023 07:08

His wife should have come back from her business trip.

mummabubs · 17/03/2023 07:10

YANBU. We had to recently look after our two young children whilst me and DH both had flu. It was horrendous, but we had no choice. Our family don't live locally, but even they did we'd never have asked them to help as we wouldn't have wanted to spread it to them. So I'd have said no based on that alone, add in that they're 20 minutes away from you and it would impact your work. Honestly I think your friend should have come back from their business trip if it was that bad. Her family, her responsibility!