Son & PRU

[DrainedNFedUp]

In desperate need of help and advice, I don’t really have anyone in real life I can speak to.


I am going to be as transparent as possible with this, there will be no drip feeding. So therefore it’s going to be quiet a long one.

I’m a single parent to my son who is age 13 years of age, I spilt with his father 9 years ago, because I wasn’t happy with his criminal activity, I am going to get into it now.

My sons father was jailed 2 years ago and he will not be coming home until my son is in his 20s.


He has been in prison a many times before, but charges have always been dismissed or he has gotten not guilty at trial, so his stays haven’t been long.

The majority of the time, I liaised with him and we both agreed to tell our son that he was “away” either working abroad or his native country. Which did work, because he would still provide the expensive clothes, gifts and money for days out and holidays etc from in prison.


The last two times, I refused to lie. I had had enough covering from him, and making out that he is a saint when he isn’t. DS finding out the truth did hurt him, but his father would always assure him that everything would be alright and that he would be home soon, and throw money at my son to make him feel better.


He promised my son that he would never go back to prison again, and my son believed him and that if he did, he would never speak to him and not want him to be his dad anymore.

So since he got convicted my sons behaviour has gone down hill. He has gone from that kind, humble (despite being spoilt rotten from his dad) caring and generous, to the complete opposite.

He has been permanently excluded from 3 schools, the first was his primary school. He was permanently excluded from his secondary school on the 6th week of him attending.

Fighting, bullying, being disrespectful to teachers, the last straw was him violently attacking a teacher. I managed to find him another school that would take him, three wouldn’t.


My son has always had the ability to make new friends and fit into friendship groups very easily, but I found out that at the second school, he was using money to buy friends. I was very disappointed in him, because I didn’t understand why he felt the need to do that. Before finding out from him that he just wanted to help them because their parents don’t have a lot of money.


Good few weeks, no complaints, I was beginning to think this was the start of him settling down.

Permanently excluded again, an attack on a student, teacher and damage to window.

He now attends a PRU, I am really not happy because the school is full of children with behavioural problems, so my child is not going to change.


There have been a few incidents just to name a few

1. He went on a school trip, my child decided that he wanted to come home, I receive a phone call saying he has run away and that they’re trying to find him. I am sat at home frantic, school doesn’t allow children to bring in mobile phones, so no way off contacting him. Luckily he found his way home. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion
   

1. My son was rude to and used foul language towards a younger teaching assistant, reason behind this he made an appropriate comments towards me and asked my son if I was single. Which is totally unacceptable, when I raised this with the head teacher I was told that there was no one around at the time (so basically my son is a liar) my son wouldn’t lie about something like that. Resulted in a 2 day exclusion
   

1. Teacher wouldn’t let my son out of the classroom to use the toilet; so he climbed out of the window and urinated behind some bins in the playground (classroom was on the ground floor? I don’t agree with him doing this; but I believe he should have allowed to go. Resulted in a 3 day exclusion which I think it ridiculous and a very farfetched
   

4.
My son threatened to bring a knife to school and kill a teaching assistant (he has admitted) his reason behind it, said teacher is always singling him out and saying that he will not be going on the school trip, he has complained to me about this previously, I told him to ignore the teacher and that I’ll take him.


This incident happened on Tuesday was called to collect him, but due to the school strikes, I’m yet to hear back from school.


AIBU is to just withdraw him from the PRU and home school him, because his behaviour is just going from bad to worst.

Thanks for taking the time out to read this, much appreciated.

[Fidgety31]

My son was sent to a PRU for the last six months of his education . He hated it, didn’t fit in with the other kids and left . I couldn’t home school him as I worked full time .
I don’t know what the answer is but I think if you take him off the school roll then you will no longer get any support at all. Could home tutors funded by the LEA be an option ? I know another child who was a school refuser had this .

[Nothingbuttheglory]

My concern would be that if you homeschool him all his violence will be directed at you.

Home tutors might not be willing to visit a nearly- grown teenager with a record of attacking teachers.

[titchy]

What does he say about his behaviour?

The first three incidents you listed, out of four, you give the impression he was justified in what he did and the school have over-reacted. Have you ever come down on him like a ton of bricks?

[ancientpants]

You're not happy about your son attending a setting with kids with behavioural problems and yet he clearly has huge behavioural problems. And you've colluded with his criminal dad for years to lie to him?

You need to reflect and then accept the reality of the situation instead of trying to make excuses.

[AutumnIsHere21]

OP’s son isn’t a school refuser so he won’t be eligible for ‘at home’ tuition in the same way. That is very dependent on LA anyway.

OP, this sounds like a really stressful situation. Has your son had any counselling? At the risk of sounding cheesy, behaviour is communication. He’s clearly not happy. It might be worth speaking to the PRU to see if they have any connection to a youth counselling service. From his point of view, he’s lost his dad - certainly the version of him that he’d built in his head - and that’s going to take some time to process.

[IDontDrinkTea]

I’m assuming you posted because you want honest opinions.

Your son sounds like a nightmare and you sound like you enable his behaviour.

[HashBrownandBeans]

His behaviour indicates he needs to be in a PRU.

my son goes to a SEMH school that sometimes offers pupils a 6 week PRU placement. I was worried about sending him there(he’s autistic) but honestly the school have been brilliant with him. His behaviour hasn’t really been influenced by the other children and he’s looking like he may get a few GCSEs, which is more than we ever expected. These places aren’t always a bad thing

[DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84]

I’m wondering if part of your son’s behaviour comes from you making excuses for him and enabling him. You’ve tried to justify some very wrong actions by “explaining” when actually, his behaviour in those circumstances was horrendous. He really needs some therapy to process his life and having been lied to. And he absolutely needs to be in a school for young people with behavioural problems as it’s quite clear his own are significant.

[Spendonsend]

Is he getting any counselling or therapy at all?

Is it a short stay PRU or is it meant longer term. Some semh schools are nicer than PRUd.

There are also alternative provisions that he could do for just a couple of afternoon sessions alingside school. These can be things like equine therapy, gardening, motor mechanics.

I am not condining his behaviour. Its not ok but it sounds like he needs help.

[Busybody2022]

He needs therapy and support but he also needs a parent who will parent and hold him to account. He isn't far off those actions landing him in prison.

[PhoenixAuntie]

Him threatening to kill someone’s at school is enough.
Your child cannot mix with children who just have regular issues. It’s obvious why you are upset but your sons chance is to engage with the PRU.

I am concerned about the way you justify his behaviour in the incidences. You told him to ignore the teacher, I guarantee that they were not singling him out but just having to deal with him.

Being passive and too nice about it is doing him no favours.

[DrainedNFedUp]

@titchy he doesn’t say much, he just says that he doesn’t want to be at school. He is NOT a problem at home or when we go out.

@AutumnIsHere21 no he hasn’t had any counselling, I was just thinking about that today. I think he needs to speak to someone, because I know he is holding a lot in.

@IDontDrinkTea yes please be honest, he is a nightmare at school but like I said above he isn’t a problem at home.

@Spendonsend no counselling or therapy, within the upcoming days I will do some research, just drained and fed up at the moment.

[StrongandNorthern]

PRUs ARE for kids with behavioural difficulties. Maybe he/you would benefit.

[DrainedNFedUp]

@PhoenixAuntie I know that comment was enough; I asked him if it was something he would do, he said at the time yes but he doesn’t know whether he’d have gone through with it or not…. very worrying for me, he has never ever been exposed to any violence, I never hit or shout at him.

@StrongandNorthern Yes, I agree with you but it’s just making him worst.

[Nimbostratus100]

sounds like a complete nightmare for you - I agree, your son is likely to be heading for prison. He is committing violent crimes and is above the age of criminal responsibility

Can the school refer him to the youth offending team?

What is your relationship like?

His best chance of qualifications that are going to give him and choices in his adult life are to engage fully with the PRU

[Merryoldgoat]

I suspect you have been minimising the issues with your son for a long time.

He’s with children who have behavioural problems because HE also has behavioural problems.

If being with children who behaved well influenced him he wouldn’t have been repeatedly excluded.

He’s unhappy, he’s been lied to for a long time and I suspect influenced by his father’s poor example.

What are you doing to improve things with the school? Does he see a therapist? What discipline and limits are imposed on his behaviour.

I detect a strange lack of ownership from you for your son’s behaviour.

[Jifmicroliquid]

You are making excuses for some very poor behaviour. There’s a high chance he’s going to go the way his father has at this rate, if you don’t step in and sort this out.
This is unacceptable behaviour and he needs to learn he cannot go through life bullying, threatening and taking violent action wherever he doesn’t like the rules that are in place.

[NorthernDrizzle]

So he was excluded well before your partner went away?

Your description indicates that he is just the type of child that PRUs are designed for. PRUs transform lives.

Do you actively parent him at home?

[Boomboom22]

Wow you are minimising to the extreme. He threatened to kill a staff member after more and more extreme behaviour. He needs extreme help and clearly not a mainstream school!

[Grumpsy]

@IDontDrinkTea

I’m assuming you posted because you want honest opinions.

Your son sounds like a nightmare and you sound like you enable his behaviour.

Sorry OP, probably not what you want to hear but this. Stop justifying his behaviour, all of the incidents you’ve listed sounds like valid reasons for exclusion

[DrainedNFedUp]

@Nimbostratus100 Yes, it is a complete nightmare for me, I dread dropping him to school every morning, I’m anxious when my phone rings, I am always on hedge.

Our relationship is good, he is respectful towards me, helps out around the house. Cuddles me and always tells me he loves me, I am just not happy with the way he is behaving, I want the old him back.

@Merryoldgoat If I am honest; I am not doing anything, when he misbehaves and is excluded from school I’ll just take him on a day out somewhere nice. I tell him it’s ok, but I would like for him to stop fighting and bring disrespectful in school.

[FourFour]

@Merryoldgoat

I suspect you have been minimising the issues with your son for a long time.

He’s with children who have behavioural problems because HE also has behavioural problems.

If being with children who behaved well influenced him he wouldn’t have been repeatedly excluded.

He’s unhappy, he’s been lied to for a long time and I suspect influenced by his father’s poor example.

What are you doing to improve things with the school? Does he see a therapist? What discipline and limits are imposed on his behaviour.

I detect a strange lack of ownership from you for your son’s behaviour.

All of this. How has it never crossed your mind to seek therapy for him? He has unfortunately been dealt a bad hand with a criminal father, and this boy is angry and desperately needs help. He has threatened to kill someone- stop excusing his behaviour. What is your plan with homeschooling? If he turns on you, then what?

[titchy]

If I am honest; I am not doing anything, when he misbehaves and is excluded from school I’ll just take him on a day out somewhere nice. I tell him it’s ok, but I would like for him to stop fighting and bring disrespectful in school.

Wow. Well that's your bloody problem then isn't it? Why on earth do you reward him and pander to his behaviour?

[TheFallenMadonna]

You are reinforcing his behaviour by rewarding it.

[Grumpsy]

@DrainedNFedUp

@Nimbostratus100 Yes, it is a complete nightmare for me, I dread dropping him to school every morning, I’m anxious when my phone rings, I am always on hedge.

Our relationship is good, he is respectful towards me, helps out around the house. Cuddles me and always tells me he loves me, I am just not happy with the way he is behaving, I want the old him back.

@Merryoldgoat If I am honest; I am not doing anything, when he misbehaves and is excluded from school I’ll just take him on a day out somewhere nice. I tell him it’s ok, but I would like for him to stop fighting and bring disrespectful in school.

Op why are you rewarding poor behaviour by taking him somewhere nice? There are no consequences to his actions, thus the poor behaviour continues