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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dh has given inlaws some home truths, do I intervene?

73 replies

Fabtastic12 · 16/03/2023 19:22

My husband has just shown me a message he sent his parents. He's been very sad about their attitude towards family and their blow hot blow cold behaviour. Their relationship has never been close but it had got better over time until the last year or two. I think they're going through some kind of late 50s crisis to be honest since they've both retired. They just seem to spend all their time on Facebook showing off.

He pointed out in the message that they only want contact on their terms and how it's all or nothing. For instance, they were so excited when our first child was born and for the first year or so and now they seem to take very little interest.

My husband has made the first approach with contact more than they have. We've also had a few emergency situations and other horrible life problems that they don't seem to care about.

So dh has said all this in his message but I'm just not sure if it was too much. Maybe too harsh. They're irritating and can be totally on their own agengas but equally they're not bad people. I was wondering if I should message them to explain that dh is just really upset and wants a different/better relationship with them?

So awkward!

OP posts:
LisaD1 · 16/03/2023 19:23

I’d stay out of it, let them work thru their issue ms and don’t complicate things by getting involved

Sapphire387 · 16/03/2023 19:24

No, don't intervene.

bellac11 · 16/03/2023 19:25

No, why would you undermine him. He said what he wants to say and it doesnt need clarification from you. Dont interfere

motherofC · 16/03/2023 19:25

Honestly leave him to deal with his own parents and just support him without bad mouthing them etc xx

pilates · 16/03/2023 19:25

No, definitely not.

JamJarJane · 16/03/2023 19:25

I think staying on the side of it and being there for your husband if he wants to discuss it is your best bet. Otherwise he may feel you've betrayed him, or minimised his feelings/the point he is trying to make to them.

Shoxfordian · 16/03/2023 19:25

Don’t get involved; not your circus

GoodChat · 16/03/2023 19:26

You need to support him here. 100% by his side.

Mythril · 16/03/2023 19:27

No, stay out of it. Don't go behind your husband back and undermine him.

sillysmiles · 16/03/2023 19:27

Maybe talk to your DH about how messages can read with a harsher tone than he might mean, and that picking up the phone and speaking to them might actually result in a resolution rather than just animosity.

TonTonMacoute · 16/03/2023 19:27

God no!

No, no, no!

Xrays · 16/03/2023 19:28

Do not get involved. It will come back to bite you if they all make up.

rogueone · 16/03/2023 19:29

keep out of it. You should be supporting your DH not trying to intervene. This is something he needs to do and you interfering isn't appropriate. I tried to intervene when I felt uncomfortable with my DH and his parents and realised that was something he had to do on his own as his relationship with his parents was his. It had taken some strength for him to highlight issues so don't dismiss those by stepping in

slamfightbrightlight · 16/03/2023 19:29

God no. His parents, his relationship, stay well out of it.

TheUsualChaos · 16/03/2023 19:30

No I would stay well out of it but good on him for telling them how he feels about it all.

SophiaSW1 · 16/03/2023 19:31

Absolutely do not intervene

GoodChat · 16/03/2023 19:33

sillysmiles · 16/03/2023 19:27

Maybe talk to your DH about how messages can read with a harsher tone than he might mean, and that picking up the phone and speaking to them might actually result in a resolution rather than just animosity.

Phone calls with selfish people don't work. They won't just let him say his piece and listen. He'll also probably be talking to one of them and then half a message gets passed on.

With a text he's been able to say everything he needs to say without disruption, and there's no dispute about what's actually been said.

Ketchupwee · 16/03/2023 19:34

Your husband is talking to his parents, about how he feels. This is not one for you to get involved in

TimeForTeaAndG · 16/03/2023 19:36

OP do you generally try to avoid conflict? This isn't your conflict to resolve or placate, your job is to support DH with how he feels.

Would you want him to jump in and explain your actions if you had said something to your parents/relative/friend? Or would you think he was overstepping and undermining you by saying you didn't really mean it. Because that's what you are wanting to do. He is not a child and doesn't need you to apologise or explain his actions.

Pixiedust1234 · 16/03/2023 19:36

Stay out of it, its between parents and a child and the problems probably stem from childhood and you werent around then to see their relationship. You are only seeing the tip of it.

What you can do though is talk to him how he can communicate his feelings better, how tone and meaning gets lost over text so it would be better to do this face to face or in a long old fashioned letter.

PhoenixAuntie · 16/03/2023 19:37

Is it they were pleased and then when they retired they decided to do lots of things they didn’t have time for before they retired ? so are now very busy and is their showing off trips and holidays and buying stuff?

Your post has information that could be interpreted multiple ways.

Cloudhoppingdancer · 16/03/2023 19:38

He's been an idiot messaging them instead of talking but it shows where his attitude is at and there's nothing you can, or should, do to change it.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 16/03/2023 19:39

Keep quiet. His words will be forgiven. Yours won't.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 16/03/2023 19:41

In the politest of ways, are you a bit of a people pleaser op? Do you usually take a don't rock the boat stance?

Ultimately your loyalty is in your partnership and even though it can be awkward seeing a negative interaction between people you have relationships with, you have to take a step back because their relationship was never good. It's always been bad. Pointing this out to them is probably part of your husband's healing journey from a life of emotionally manipulative behaviour from his parents.

Definitely stay out of it and provide support to your husband if and when he requests it.

Annabanana10 · 16/03/2023 19:52

I think you should stay out of it. This is clearly something impacting your husband enough that he needs to share this with them and I am sue