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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh has given inlaws some home truths, do I intervene?

73 replies

Fabtastic12 · 16/03/2023 19:22

My husband has just shown me a message he sent his parents. He's been very sad about their attitude towards family and their blow hot blow cold behaviour. Their relationship has never been close but it had got better over time until the last year or two. I think they're going through some kind of late 50s crisis to be honest since they've both retired. They just seem to spend all their time on Facebook showing off.

He pointed out in the message that they only want contact on their terms and how it's all or nothing. For instance, they were so excited when our first child was born and for the first year or so and now they seem to take very little interest.

My husband has made the first approach with contact more than they have. We've also had a few emergency situations and other horrible life problems that they don't seem to care about.

So dh has said all this in his message but I'm just not sure if it was too much. Maybe too harsh. They're irritating and can be totally on their own agengas but equally they're not bad people. I was wondering if I should message them to explain that dh is just really upset and wants a different/better relationship with them?

So awkward!

OP posts:
Annabanana10 · 16/03/2023 19:56

I am sure it has taken a lot for him to send that msg. Share your views with him but in the end you need to respect his wishes and feelings here.

Turnipworkharder · 16/03/2023 19:58

No way....this is between him and his parents. Say nothing even to him.

He'll probably feel better after saying his bit.

Original poster
Fabtastic12 · 16/03/2023 19:59

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 16/03/2023 19:41

In the politest of ways, are you a bit of a people pleaser op? Do you usually take a don't rock the boat stance?

Ultimately your loyalty is in your partnership and even though it can be awkward seeing a negative interaction between people you have relationships with, you have to take a step back because their relationship was never good. It's always been bad. Pointing this out to them is probably part of your husband's healing journey from a life of emotionally manipulative behaviour from his parents.

Definitely stay out of it and provide support to your husband if and when he requests it.

No not really. My husband is more of a people pleaser than I am generally. I just don't think he explained things very well but as everyone has said, maybe it's best to say nothing.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 16/03/2023 20:00

Stay as far out of it as humanly possible!

ancientgran · 16/03/2023 20:08

Xrays · 16/03/2023 19:28

Do not get involved. It will come back to bite you if they all make up.

Yes that is how it tends to go if you try to get in the middle and mediate, you end up as the baddy.

Conkersinautumn · 16/03/2023 20:14

He's obviously very hurt and disappointed. I think it's inevitable when you're a parent yourself to reflect back and a lot get angry that their parents were cold, unfeeling, unavailable. He's got a back ground of this, not just what you've experienced.

Support him, he's obviously struggling.

Conkersinautumn · 16/03/2023 20:14

And definitely don't try to stick your oar in.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 16/03/2023 20:15

God No - stay out of it, Just be there for your dh.

furryfrontbottom · 16/03/2023 20:17

If your husband is going to sulk because his parents are enjoying their retirement and don't see themselves as his personal staff, it's best that you stay out of it.

ittakes2 · 16/03/2023 20:17

Life 101 if you have something important to say - say it in person so you can gauge feedback through body language and amend the message plus generate two way communication. Unfort this is likely not to end well - so best to stay out of it because you might end up in the crossfire with upset feelings being projected on to you. Plus its not your relationship.

Redglitter · 16/03/2023 20:17

Absolutely do not get involved. It's probably taken a lot of time & thought for him to send that. For you to message them would completely undermine him. You need to support him. Keep out of It

singer15 · 16/03/2023 20:17

I'd stay out of it. You can give him your opinion (though I'd tread gently), but don't intervene. It can only damage your relationship if he feels that you're undermining him.

Asummersday · 16/03/2023 20:19

For godsake, stay out of it

Nimbostratus100 · 16/03/2023 20:20

stay out of it!

Beaverbridge · 16/03/2023 20:20

Nothing to be gained by getting involved.

Hellybelly84 · 16/03/2023 20:24

I would stay out of it and be there to support your Husband. They sound very self-absorbed and its hard seeing other grandparents helping out/interested in everything. Just think if it was your parents and you had made that decision to send a message, you probably wouldn’t want your Husband messaging them. Hope they can work things out.

Sceptre86 · 16/03/2023 20:37

It is a tough one. He should have spoken to them on person of distance allows, if bot then on the phone. Texts can be misconstrued as can emails. It's also better in my view to be direct if you are going to challenge behaviour. Right now you need to support him and that does not undermining him to go message the inlaws. Again if you were going to explain it would be better to speak to them in person.

Floralnomad · 16/03/2023 20:38

My advice is stay out of it , if they are anything like my in-laws when my husband told them some home truths they blamed me anyway and didn’t speak to me for over 20 yrs . It was bliss .

Wonnle · 16/03/2023 20:40

Let it lie say I

Rec0veringAcademic · 16/03/2023 20:40

Fabtastic12 · 16/03/2023 19:59

No not really. My husband is more of a people pleaser than I am generally. I just don't think he explained things very well but as everyone has said, maybe it's best to say nothing.

Show quote history

Looks to me like your people-pleasing DH has finally lost it and found his voice. Let him crack on, this is his fight.

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/03/2023 20:41

No stay out of it. It might hit home.

Luckyluv · 16/03/2023 20:41

Do NOT intervene. They are his parents and if you side with them - well put it this way - if my DH did that to me, I'd have a bloody hard time forgiving him. It would feel like such a betrayal.

category12 · 16/03/2023 20:42

No, it's your role to support him, not undermine him with his own parents.

He's generally a people-pleaser and now when he's standing up to his parents, you want to invalidate what he's saying to them and smooth things over at his expense?! I'd be fucking furious that you didn't have my back if I were him.

It's his relationship to manage as an adult. Stay out of it.

Smineusername · 16/03/2023 20:42

Texting is weak imo, if you're not comfortable saying it to their face you probably shouldn't be saying it

AbsoluteYawns · 16/03/2023 20:43

Blimey OP.
Leave well out if it. Your DH has a backbone and good for him!