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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh has given inlaws some home truths, do I intervene?

73 replies

Fabtastic12 · 16/03/2023 19:22

My husband has just shown me a message he sent his parents. He's been very sad about their attitude towards family and their blow hot blow cold behaviour. Their relationship has never been close but it had got better over time until the last year or two. I think they're going through some kind of late 50s crisis to be honest since they've both retired. They just seem to spend all their time on Facebook showing off.

He pointed out in the message that they only want contact on their terms and how it's all or nothing. For instance, they were so excited when our first child was born and for the first year or so and now they seem to take very little interest.

My husband has made the first approach with contact more than they have. We've also had a few emergency situations and other horrible life problems that they don't seem to care about.

So dh has said all this in his message but I'm just not sure if it was too much. Maybe too harsh. They're irritating and can be totally on their own agengas but equally they're not bad people. I was wondering if I should message them to explain that dh is just really upset and wants a different/better relationship with them?

So awkward!

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/03/2023 20:44

DH is one of a very large extended family. I have always kept out of family dramas as they shift around so yesterday's dispute is today's best friend. Often there is a huge backstory that drives things. Just say you are not going to get involved but you will support whatever decisions he makes about his own family.

Eas1lyd1stracted · 16/03/2023 20:44

No. Support your husband. He's had a lifetime of them being his parents and this may have been a long time coming

whynotwhatknot · 16/03/2023 20:44

i thught u were going to say yourparents-his family his business dont get involved

Climbles · 16/03/2023 20:44

Do not get involved at all! Even if they try to make you. Practice neutral statements like ‘that must be hard’ ‘you sound upset about that’ etc

Branleuse · 16/03/2023 20:46

Is there a reason youre so anxious about conflict that youd actually consider undermining your husband to smooth it out?
This is between him and them

MysteryBelle · 16/03/2023 20:47

The problem with intervening is that you’d be undermining your husband, giving the appearance of siding with them, and giving his parents leverage against him.

Is that what you want?

Messyhair321 · 16/03/2023 20:47

No! Don't get involved I'll backfire

Escapingafter50years · 16/03/2023 20:47

Your job is to have your husband's back (and vice versa).

Do not undermine him, it's not likely this is something he has done lightly.

I wish I'd confronted my disinterested parents 20 years ago. They probably would have told me to fuck off but then I would have been free instead of thinking there was something wrong with me all those years.

Mind your husband, he likely has a hard road ahead

rwalker · 16/03/2023 20:47

Stay out but tbh sounds like they’ve retired no ties and living a good life
all parent and child relationships are different I’ve friends who see or talk to there parents everyday others see there’s twice a year
everybody wants different things DH wants more out of the relationship than they do

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 16/03/2023 20:49

So dh has said all this in his message but I'm just not sure if it was too much. Maybe too harsh. They're irritating and can be totally on their own agengas but equally they're not bad people. I was wondering if I should message them to explain that dh is just really upset and wants a different/better relationship with them?

How dare you?
If your husband has come to the point where he needs to say this, who are you to undermine him by going behind his back to pander to his parents?

He is an adult.
Apart from supporting him in however he wants to handle this - stay the fuck out of it.

Qwerty111 · 16/03/2023 20:49

“ I just don't think he explained things very well but as everyone has said, maybe it's best to say nothing.”

if your husbands parents need clarification they can ask him can’t they? If you wade in to “explain” you risk diluting the impact of him having spoken out about what troubles him. As well as opening the door to them using you as a go-between.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 16/03/2023 20:53

Smineusername · 16/03/2023 20:42

Texting is weak imo, if you're not comfortable saying it to their face you probably shouldn't be saying it

You don't know how much he may have already tried to say to their face.
Sometimes, with troubled family dynamics, it's impossible to get heard.

Lampzade · 16/03/2023 20:55

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 16/03/2023 19:39

Keep quiet. His words will be forgiven. Yours won't.

This

Fragrantandfoolish · 16/03/2023 20:56

Are you the poster whose in-laws moved away and you want them to come look after your kids every month?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 16/03/2023 20:58

So awkward!

Stop focusing on your own discomfort about the awkwardness YOU are feeling & start doing your best to fully understand & support HIM.

This didn't come out of nowhere, he is likely managing huge feelings about a complex dynamic.

Your kneejerk response of wanting to rush to his parents & "explain" the awkwardness away is ... I'm just going to say shallow & self-serving & leave it there I think.

saraclara · 16/03/2023 21:03

Smineusername · 16/03/2023 20:42

Texting is weak imo, if you're not comfortable saying it to their face you probably shouldn't be saying it

Absolutely. Plus messages are often read on s harsher tone of voice than the writer intends. Plus it's there in writing so can be shown to multiple people who will then form their own opinion (which will universally be anti your DH) and wind his parents up more.

He's thrown a bomb into the relationship which will not solve anything. He's just made things hugely worse. How incredibly stupid of him.

But it's done and you can't get involved at this point. If the in-laws talk to you (in person) maybe you'll get the chance to change the tone (while still explaining how he feels) and calm things down a little. But right now the safest place metaphorically, is hiding under the table.

WitheredandOld · 16/03/2023 21:20

Why on earth would you want to insert yourself into this?

If they contact you say you can’t comment on your husband’s behalf and they need to talk to him.

BlueSeaWave · 16/03/2023 21:51

Nothing, dont undermine him. I totally regret not supporting my husband when he suggested going NC with his parents. I suggested keeping in a contact and not realising how huge it was fir him to suggest that.

Wiccan · 16/03/2023 22:02

furryfrontbottom · 16/03/2023 20:17

If your husband is going to sulk because his parents are enjoying their retirement and don't see themselves as his personal staff, it's best that you stay out of it.

I agree , there is far too much of the " my parents don't do enough for me and are selfish having their own life " crap .

lipstickwoman · 16/03/2023 22:07

Unless you're willing to point out to your husband he a) probably has no idea what's going on in his parents lives as he's too concerned with his own b) his parents are entitled to a life of their own c) keeping a tally is at best childish, I'd stay out of it.

mathanxiety · 16/03/2023 22:57

Stay out of it. Support him.

I applaud him for tackling them on this.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/03/2023 23:28

"I was wondering if I should message them to explain that dh is just really upset and wants a different/better relationship with them?"
Absolutely not. Support your husband, do not undermine him.

bakebeans · 16/03/2023 23:43

You need to stay out of it! Would you be happy for him to intervene if you had an issue with your parents?

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