Was this within scope of normal family rows and tensions, or a bit dysfunctional?

[Bananabreadandcupofcoffeethanks]

I didn't grow up with my parents, but with other family members. The woman was really wonderful, we loved each other so much like mother and daughter.

The man was old fashioned in outlook and was the financial provider. When I was really tiny he was very good with me.

But from when I was a toddler, he was irritated by me quite a bit. He never hit me or anything. But maybe once or twice a year would absolutely lose it and rage at me.

Once I thought he was perhaps going to really hurt me, I was about 3 or 4. I remember freezing and feeling terrified but also resigned. He didn't do anything though, just verbal rage.

Twice again when I was around 3 he really humiliated me. Then there were other much less intense instances, every now and again, sneering at me for crying for example when a family member died when I was around 7. Sometimes he was really nice and would buy me an ice cream, take me to buy a toy, or one when working overseas would send nice postcards to me as i loved getting post. He could be so thoughtful. He paid for my hobbies, drove me miles to pursue them, sometimes we'd chat a bit. But there was no relationship.

When I was around 14 and quite vulnerable, he said no he didn't love me like he loved his own kids. My stepfather had said similar at that time. I felt a bit lost.

I just learned to shrug the bad bits off and we got on ok and I wasn't afraid of him, just sort of wary?

He apologised before he died. And told me he did actually love me, which devastated me in a way. I think maybe this was because I had tried my best to help look after him when dying which was a short period, I mean not a nurse or anything but quite hands on at times.

I do have a very contemptuous critical inner voice and wonder if it's his voice at times?

How do you know he was good to you as a baby but irritated by you as a toddler? Can you remember that far back ?

not sure why any of it matters tbh - it’s in the past . No families are normal or the same and dissecting the interactions you had is not really going to achieve much is it ?

It matters because I have a very critical inner voice, I have bad anxiety and I'm really harsh on myself. I'm much harder on myself than I ever would be to anyone else, it's exhausting.

How do you know he was good to you as a baby but irritated by you as a toddler?

Yes, I remember the instances from being a toddler. No, obviously I don't remember being a baby but was told initially he was very good.

It is possible to change the voice your internal dialogue uses. So letting it say the stuff but in a stupid voice instead. This will change how you react to your i.d.

While he said something extremely hurtful, it's not unusual to have conflicted emotions about parents, alive or otherwise. And yes, I used parent purposefully because while I don't condone what he said or how he made you feel, this man treated you as his child, provided for you and was for all intents and purposes your father.

Also, as has been said - there's no such thing as normal with families, a trawl through MN will show you that. While I understand what you mean, ultimately it is what it is and nothing can change now - he was flawed, but stepped up to the plate when others didn't or couldn't which is more than a lot of biological fathers do.

How can you remember being a toddler? Most people don’t remember much before the age of 4 and even then it’s pretty sketchy.

I can remember sitting beside my bed frozen with fear as he towered over me absolutely screaming with his face contorted in rage, and just sort of accepting that he was probably going to hurt me. He didn't though.

I was not yet at school but probably closer to 4 than 3. Sorry if that isn't the definition of toddler I thought it included 3 year olds.

I have no advice OP, just solidarity and hugs. My situation was different but I hear what you're saying about an inner voice.

Can you access any sort of talking therapy?

Yes, am about to start therapy and wondered if I should bring this up. But seems like posters think I'm being a bit stuck in the past so maybe the therapist will think the same!

How is this helpful? Other people can remember memories earlier than others, that’s why there’s an average/normal

You can remember traumatic incidents. I remember being 2 and having my one and only tantrum. I started to stamp my feet and got immediately belted across the legs and stopped. Had an eye op when i was a similar age and remember being in hospital and also remember trapping my finger in a door at home probably about four - the house dates that one as we moved soon after, the others my mum has corroborated - including the hitting you didn't do you any harm (err well it taught me to never get angry if that's what you mean as I was terrified of the consequences).

I don’t think you’re stuck in past OP, a lot of our learning about ourselves and how we live the rest of our lives comes from our early life experience, it absolutely makes sense you’re trying to understand more about this.

Your childhood doesn’t sound normal in that this isn’t just part of what a normal childhood would be like. He sounds abusive and extremely difficult to live with and I’m sure is one of the causes of your issues now. I hope therapy is useful for you, it can help you pick things apart and understand yourself better and hopefully improve things - though may take quite a while so be patient

Talk about it when you get to therapy. Work through it.

I heard that you should make that critical voice sound like Mickey Mouse, to make it ridiculous. No idea if it works or not.

What you went through sounds awful, and why wouldn't it have had an effect on you?

No good therapist will think that.

Our early experiences shape how we see the world. Our negative core beliefs are derived from our experiences. Our childhood experiences can affect our mental health as adults.

A good therapist will help you to understand how your early experiences affect you now, in adulthood & will help you to process it and therefore move on from it.

No therapist will think your 'living in the past'. Please ignore the people saying its in the past & it doesn't matter. Of course it matters.

I think he sounds like a normal loving father, who probably had some bad days that stick in your memory more than the good days.

it sounds like you had a lovely mum figure too, so I would not say anything about your relationship with these two people is in any way abnormal or dysfunctional

But you were not biologically theirs, and being raised by people who you know are not your biological parents can create issues on its own

Yes, in a way I do realise that therapists have heard it all before and they do place importance on talking about things which did affect you - I guess though I'm partly embarrassed by still being affected.

I thought I was completely fine with this aspect of things. I don't feel upset thinking about it.

But I have such HUGE anxiety around making mistakes or doing stuff wrong or imperfectly, and I freeze and avoid stuff because it's almost unbearable, and the internal voice is just so contemptuous and harsh telling me how stupid and pointless I am.

It is absolutely possible to change your critical inner voice.

I did an online CBT course and the first thing I became aware of was that my inner voice kept up a barrage of 'you idiot' all day long.

I made a conscious effort to replace 'you idiot' with 'come on sweetheart' or other positive phrases. It was v weird and hard work at first but the difference was dramatic. Just imagine how amazing it would be if your inner voice's first response was 'well done love' all the time.

I think he sounds like a normal loving father, who probably had some bad days that stick in your memory more than the good days.

He literally told me he didn't love me like his own kids, because he was not my father. We certainly did not have a loving relationship.

This is where I get embarrassed again because I feel so clueless, though. All I know is it felt very much not like being loved, but you're telling me it sounds like I was?

Which means maybe the problem was me being too sensitive?

This has weirdly made me tearful.

It sounds like it really made a profound difference to your life, that is wonderful.

It's ok to feel sad about some stuff OP. What he said when you were 14 I'm sure really hurt you. But it's great you can see the good and the bad in your relationship with him, it's not black and white but a multitude of shades of grey. I think therapy will be really helpful for you and your therapist won't think you're being silly at all, it's important to have a safe space to process stuff. You'll get some silly replies on here as some people just like to stick the boot in. For what it's worth it sounds to me like he did love you, people are really flawed and don't always have the best coping strategies themselves which can lead to them hurting their kids. But it's always about them, you didn't cause or deserve any of it, you were just a child.

@Bananabreadandcupofcoffeethanks

It wasn't the answer completely but it really did make a massive difference.

It did feel v weird and cringey at the time - you might have to think seriously about what positive words you pick But now I just refer to myself all the time as Darling which even in a critical voice is a billion times better than Twat.

I think what he said to you at 14 was awful but the rest does sound like a fairly normal family set up to be honest. People do lose it with their kids! He might not have been perfect and even might have been shorty at times, but he obviously cared about you enough to send you post, drive you around, take you to hobbies.
sometimes you do just have to let these things go.
if you have an inner critical voice then it sounds like therapy might help… maybe even try some online CBT?

"Just don't worry about it," "leave the past in the past" and "I don't know why you're worrying about it" heap additional pain and blame/unfair responsibility on victims for being victimized.

It is also a great way to minimize child abuse and neglect.

@Bananabreadandcupofcoffeethanks what you experienced would have been terrifying - it would have harmed any child.
I'm so sorry this happened to you.

Good luck with getting the compassionate support you deserve.

I was just going to say the same thing because I can relate as I had a similar experience as a child (but with my mother). It left me with lifelong self esteem problems and made me a target for predators or men (and women friends) who practice coercive control or violence. I am interested to know how you have got on as an adult - do you have healthy relationships?

What are you lot on? Does it really sound like “a normal loving father” to criticise a 7 year old for crying at the death of a family member?

There’s losing it and shouting at your kids occasionally and then there’s the type of rage that feels really aggressive, even if you’re not being hit. I suspect from OPs description she’s experienced the latter and it’s not ok