Was this within scope of normal family rows and tensions, or a bit dysfunctional?

[Bananabreadandcupofcoffeethanks]

I didn't grow up with my parents, but with other family members. The woman was really wonderful, we loved each other so much like mother and daughter.

The man was old fashioned in outlook and was the financial provider. When I was really tiny he was very good with me.

But from when I was a toddler, he was irritated by me quite a bit. He never hit me or anything. But maybe once or twice a year would absolutely lose it and rage at me.

Once I thought he was perhaps going to really hurt me, I was about 3 or 4. I remember freezing and feeling terrified but also resigned. He didn't do anything though, just verbal rage.

Twice again when I was around 3 he really humiliated me. Then there were other much less intense instances, every now and again, sneering at me for crying for example when a family member died when I was around 7. Sometimes he was really nice and would buy me an ice cream, take me to buy a toy, or one when working overseas would send nice postcards to me as i loved getting post. He could be so thoughtful. He paid for my hobbies, drove me miles to pursue them, sometimes we'd chat a bit. But there was no relationship.

When I was around 14 and quite vulnerable, he said no he didn't love me like he loved his own kids. My stepfather had said similar at that time. I felt a bit lost.

I just learned to shrug the bad bits off and we got on ok and I wasn't afraid of him, just sort of wary?

He apologised before he died. And told me he did actually love me, which devastated me in a way. I think maybe this was because I had tried my best to help look after him when dying which was a short period, I mean not a nurse or anything but quite hands on at times.

I do have a very contemptuous critical inner voice and wonder if it's his voice at times?

I have good friends and a healthy romantic relationship now, thankfully. I think this was down to the close loving relationships with the women in my family growing up.

But after the woman who raised me died I had a time of crisis where I felt quite isolated and wanted to be loved and was definitely much more susceptible to predatory men, yes. It was horrendous.

Those incidents are very relevant to how you feel now. Yes you can change your inner voice.

For my anxiety and critical voice I found it helpful learning about mammalian brain and new brain and what anxiety is so I could interrupt my inner voice escalating.

There’s losing it and shouting at your kids occasionally and then there’s the type of rage that feels really aggressive, even if you’re not being hit.

This is really helpful for helping me think why I feel this way, thank you.

My foster mum who really loved me, I mean obviously sometimes she would shout at me in exasperation the odd time, but it felt different. I just knew instinctively she still loved me and would never ever hurt me so I was never scared and didn't dwell on it. And it was only very occasionally - overall all our interactions were so positive and loving, so to me that feels more like a great parent who loves the kid but is only human and has a moment of frustration sometimes.

This is probably also all mixed up in your mind with the fact you didn't live with your parents.

Did you ever see your parents at all?

Same advice as @AnnaMagnani . Flip that pointless, cruel voice into a sympathetic champion. I did it ten years ago and it's so healing. Now when things go wrong and I feel embarrassed and ashamed, I physically hug myself, and say "you poor thing. You've done your best and this will pass." Sending hugs OP. Therapy will help and absolutely you should talk about your childhood. Xx

I find it fascinating to read about those who have successfully changed that inner voice.

My inner voice is actually ok, until something quite small goes wrong, then it gets fucking mean and I spiral and it gets worse and worse for a period. Then it's like everything I go to do unleashes all this internal criticism, and this awful feeling of I'll never be able to do anything right.

I saw my mother but never my father. I think this is separate to that though.

What I was getting at was the reason why you ended up living with these people. And whether they did their best in a challenging circumstances which they didn't choose.

Whereas when someone chooses to have a child, irrespective of the different circumstances, its still a choice they made

And thus parents are, and should be, held to higher standards.

But that wouldn't even be an acceptable reason for abuse by anyone for any reason.

Abuse, mental or physical, is never justified

I was reading and trying to articulate something like this. I think.... we're all only human, and these people ended up in a situation not of their choosing. It doesn't mean it's OK to be cruel or unkind to a child, but likely they had a lot to process too, and I can understand that there could be a level of unspoken resentment bubbling under which could make it hard to express love and affection in an open and 'normal' way. I'll be honest.... we're staring down the barrel of 10 years possibly having to raise someone else's child right now, and I don't know if I can do it, I don't know if I'm strong enough. If course.... we will do it and we will do our best, but I'm under no illusions how difficult it will be.

What I'm saying is.... his behavior was probably very much more about him and how was struggling to deal with the situation, than about you.... it was likely not really about you at all.

I hope you make progress with your therapy. I'm sure it will help.

Don’t worry, a good therapist won’t say anything of the sort. A lot of posters saying ‘so what’ and picking holes about what you can and can’t remember either don’t know what it’s like to have experienced the emotional abuse you describe or have chosen a blasé minimising attitude to help themselves cope with what they prefer not to confront.

Being shouted at as a toddler must seem terrifying but if you saw the scene now as an adult it may not seem as intense.

I've no idea of course, maybe he really did go too far, but very early memories may not be the whole picture.

You are not in any way in the wrong OP. You experienced what you did and it has affected you into adulthood. It may not be just the experiences you remember though. A baby removed from its birth mother can / does experience profound trauma. Trauma can happen in the womb too, if a mother is stressed, subject to DA, takes toxic substances etc. It's very complex.

So you may have over-reacted to, or been more sensitive to, those childhood events you recall, where others would let them fade into the background of their memories, because, yes, a lot of people do probably experience episodes of being shouted at, criticised or treated with contempt as children. It's about individual resilience - that's not necessarily something you can just develop by yourself. Hence the likelihood that therapy could help you.

My mother was loving and kind but tended to be mildly critical as well. I'm like her to an extent and have to try to curb my tongue at times. I also experienced a mild inner voice putting myself down, not as severely as you obviously. I've never had therapy for it but life experiences / advice of others has helped me to silence it to a large extent. Now it's as if I can push my errors away and stop myself from dwelling on them for too long.

Can I recommend a work book to you? it's kirsten neff phd and chris germer phd mindful self compassion work book
They both have a few books out but get the work book and work through the exercises at your own pace. I found it really soothing in the end.

I was brought up by my bio parents but same as a lot of other flawed adults, they projected on to me what they needed me to avoid ever confronting that they weren't perfect. I ended up with an extremely critical voice. I neutralised it after the first round of therapy but it still wasn't accepting or kind or supportive. It was just less critical.

I really feel for you OP. I have also had the experience of looking back at my childhood and realising that some things which were going on were seriously wrong, although it has taken a long time for me to see this.
My suggestion is that you accept that it happened, it wasn’t your fault, and it is in the past. Try to focus on the good things that happened in your childhood and be glad that you had those, and focus on taking care of yourself now.

& some people do remember.
Especially those who experienced traumatic events in their toddlerhood.

No she won't!

Your entire critical inner voice is bound up with your past life & ACE (adverse childhood experiences) with this guy - it's not being stuck in the past to spend time with a professional exploring it, understanding the dynamic, & eventually getting to a more peaceful & manageable place with it.

There are many therapies & tactics to deal with that inner voice, & you will be able to learn how to replace it with your own, more positive, inner direction.
Please also bear in mind that it's ok to want to 'gel' with the therapist. Some people even meet a few before setting to one they feel they can work openly & honestly with.

Sounds like he was a flawed human, a mix of good and bad. He obviously tried with the driving you to hobbies wtc
Yes he is probably the cause of your critical inner voice. Can you get some therapy?

Yes, in a way I do realise that therapists have heard it all before and they do place importance on talking about things which did affect you - I guess though I'm partly embarrassed by still being affected.

"Hello, critical inner voice, making harsh judgements & sabotaging my intent to work this out via therapy!"

If you have a moment & feel like doing it - imagine a body for that inner voice.
Preferably comedy/cartoon.
Place it in a field with its back to you.
Then take a running jump at it & kick it soundly up the arse.
Walk off congratulating yourself & laughing heartily.

YOU ARE NOT & WERE NOT TOO SENSITIVE

People without either direct or professional experience of child abuse tend to minimise it, because it's such a bloody uncomfortable subject. Decent people can't imagine behaving so badly to a child, so squash the reality of it down by denying it.

Raging at a child with a contorted face is not normal.
Telling a child you don't love them is not normal.
Humiliating a child is not normal.
Sneering at a child for their upset over a beareavement is not normal.

My Dad was sometimes kind and sometimes emotionally abusive like the person you describe. I think of it as him struggling with his own feelings or lacking skills/insight although I don't minimise the impact on myself as a child which was huge and I'm also very self critical and anxious. I don't think we had a loving relationship because I was afraid of him and always treading on eggshells. It's not within the range of normal family life to feel like that IMO.

wrt a fear that the therapist has ''heard it all before'', I expressed a fear to my second therapist that I must be boring her and she said that I was *transferring on to her how my parents might have felt or reacted when I told them my feelings and fears. So that was food for thought. I guess I do go out in to the world with the fear that I'm boring people, whoever they are, I feel I'm burdening them with my feelings. I had even let friendships drift in younger years because I assumed my friendship was a burden on them. I wasn't treating people like free therapists, far from it! I had been raised to have no visible feelings. When you're not allowed to show any feelings you do get confused about what you feel.

• can't remember exactly how she phrased it.

*"Just don't worry about it," "leave the past in the past" and "I don't know why you're worrying about it" heap additional pain and blame/unfair responsibility on victims for being victimized.

It is also a great way to minimize child abuse and neglect.*
Absolutely right @Strainzer .

*YOU ARE NOT & WERE NOT TOO SENSITIVE

People without either direct or professional experience of child abuse tend to minimise it, because it's such a bloody uncomfortable subject. Decent people can't imagine behaving so badly to a child, so squash the reality of it down by denying it.

Raging at a child with a contorted face is not normal.
Telling a child you don't love them is not normal.
Humiliating a child is not normal.
Sneering at a child for their upset over a beareavement is not normal.*

Absolutely this and it doesn’t matter the extent of the abuse you will get the same minimising response from a lot of people. The vast majority of people are so understandably uncomfortable with child abuse that they minimise, deny, rationalise it. You can really only address abuse with people experienced in having these types of conversations.

Bless you OP. You're so anxious you're already talking yourself out of much needed and deserved therapy because you're fixating on how you might be perceived.

Please go Remember that it can take multiple attempts to find a therapist that you click with. You don't have to go in focusing on this relationship and what is or isn't relevant. Start with the present, and work with your therapist. It will be okay.