Bananabreadandcupofcoffeethanks ·
16/03/2023 18:00
I didn't grow up with my parents, but with other family members. The woman was really wonderful, we loved each other so much like mother and daughter.
The man was old fashioned in outlook and was the financial provider. When I was really tiny he was very good with me.
But from when I was a toddler, he was irritated by me quite a bit. He never hit me or anything. But maybe once or twice a year would absolutely lose it and rage at me.
Once I thought he was perhaps going to really hurt me, I was about 3 or 4. I remember freezing and feeling terrified but also resigned. He didn't do anything though, just verbal rage.
Twice again when I was around 3 he really humiliated me. Then there were other much less intense instances, every now and again, sneering at me for crying for example when a family member died when I was around 7. Sometimes he was really nice and would buy me an ice cream, take me to buy a toy, or one when working overseas would send nice postcards to me as i loved getting post. He could be so thoughtful. He paid for my hobbies, drove me miles to pursue them, sometimes we'd chat a bit. But there was no relationship.
When I was around 14 and quite vulnerable, he said no he didn't love me like he loved his own kids. My stepfather had said similar at that time. I felt a bit lost.
I just learned to shrug the bad bits off and we got on ok and I wasn't afraid of him, just sort of wary?
He apologised before he died. And told me he did actually love me, which devastated me in a way. I think maybe this was because I had tried my best to help look after him when dying which was a short period, I mean not a nurse or anything but quite hands on at times.
I do have a very contemptuous critical inner voice and wonder if it's his voice at times?