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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed that one of my neighbours leaves her 12yr old son alone during half term........

60 replies

ishouldbeironing · 11/02/2008 22:04

and without asking me I appear to be chilminding.
Her DS will call round to my house to see my DDS and before I know it I am feeding him lunch and he is here for the remainder of the day.
It would appear that my neighbour has made no provision for childcare for him.
It just makes me soooo yet I feel so mean for resenting giving him a bit of lunch.
I end up hating myself but I spose I am at her for being so cavalier with regards to her DS

OP posts:

Cam · 11/02/2008 22:05

He is too young to be left alone all day

KatyMac · 11/02/2008 22:06

I'd go out

Or say "not today thank you"

TotalChaos · 11/02/2008 22:07

12 is a borderline age, but it definitely sounds like this 12 year old isn't ready to be left alone all day.

Cam · 11/02/2008 22:07

I would speak to the neighbour

Original poster

ishouldbeironing · 11/02/2008 22:09

I agree he is too young to be left alone.
He turned up today at 2pm and proceeded to eat EVERYTHING in sight .
It turns out that he had not eaten until he arrived at mine.
I feel sorry for him and my DDS like him but I cant help feeling used

OP posts:

avenanap · 11/02/2008 22:10

Poor kid. I'd talk to her and tell her it's just not on. What if he had an accident? He must be really lonely. I know that there's not alot of childcare for older children but this isn't right.

Original poster

ishouldbeironing · 11/02/2008 22:18

writing this down has made things seem much clearer.
I think I will have to say something

OP posts:

ScruffyTeddy · 11/02/2008 22:24

Interesting. Is she in a relationship?

Twigy · 11/02/2008 22:37

Sorry but I think she is taking you for a ride. She probably knows that you are kind hearted enough to feed that poor lad..

I agree he is a bit young to be on his own..

Have a word. Good luck

nospringchicken · 11/02/2008 22:47

That's terrible. poor boy. I have boys of 12 and 14 and 2 younger children. I leave the 12 yo alone at his own request for 1 hour per week while I take my 4yo swimming 500 yards or so down the road - 9yo dd comes too. But they will all have eaten before we go;he'd never want or need to go to a neighbour's like that. definitely say something !

SlartyBartFast · 11/02/2008 22:50

12 is a difficult age if you work though. too old for any holiday clubs.
she needs relatives or friends but he is taking advantage and it is hard for you.
would you be prepared to have him if she paid you a nominal fee, or brought his own lunch
very difficult situatioh to be in.
can you send him to his home and tell him to make himself a sandwhich?

pukkapatch · 11/02/2008 22:52

get im to do some vacuuming fo ryou, or wash the car. if she complains, tel l her that if he is going to call round as part of th efamily, then he will be expected to do chores like part of the family.
either it will strentghen your relationship. or he will stop comeing round and annoying you.

avenanap · 11/02/2008 22:53

My neighbour sometimes leaves her 10 year old by himself for never more than 1 hour, she always tells me first though and asks me if its ok for him to come round if he needs to. Most of the time he asks me if he can come round for a couple of hours and go home to let his mum know where he is but she'll always ask me if its for longer than a couple of hours. i don't like the thought of him being by hiself but he's very mature.
The poor child, all day just isn't right. She needs to sort out something else, it sounds like he's starving aswell.

colditz · 11/02/2008 22:54

If my mother had made 'childcare provisions' for me when I was 12, I'd have had a complete diva strop, as I did not consider myself to be a child. I still don't consider 12 to be a 'child'.

Send him home to get his own lunch and tell him he can come back at X o clock.

colditz · 11/02/2008 22:55

Starving in a house full of food

FAQ · 11/02/2008 23:06

I think the only person taking anyone for a ride is the 12yr old boy who has realised that if he pops round the neighbours he won't have to go to all the "effort" of making himself a sandwich..........

themoon66 · 11/02/2008 23:12

I left my DD alone for school hols from age 12. She refused to go to kids club anymore. A 12 year old isn't interested in sitting playing with little ones all day. I would leave her asleep and when I got home about 3pm, she was often only just getting herself in the shower.

SlartyBartFast · 11/02/2008 23:21

ds would be on computer all day,
rather like his mum would

smartiejake · 11/02/2008 23:29

It depends on the child IMO. MY dd is a very resposible nearly 12 year old. I would never leave her all day but have left her for about 4 hours on the day I work half day. She would never pester a neighbour like this boy ( unless there was a dire emergency)and I would not allow her to take advantage of a good hearted neighbour the way you are being.

I would be inclined to say- "Would you like to come back later as we are about to have lunch. "
His mum must leave him something to eat so he will hardly go hungry (and even if she did it is not your responsibility.)

Does she actually know what he is doing each day? Perhaps you could pointedly say " Sorry I won't be able to feed Fred tomorrow as we are going out for the day." ANd see what her reaction is. If she seems shocked then she doesn't know, if nonchalant she's taking you for a ride.

BTW I think you must be a very kind and caring person to look after this boy but understand that you feel peeved at them obviously taking advantage of you.

nappyaddict · 12/02/2008 01:07

i was left alone at this age. i used to go round to my neighbours to play with my friends if they were in. more often than not my neighbours would end up giving me lunch/tea and maybe even buy me an ice cream from the ice cream van. i don't think for any minute they minded giving me lunch. i never asked or assumed i would be getting fed though and i would always say are you sure? yes ok then i'll have some if you're sure you don't mind. if for whatever reason i wasn't welcome cos they were going out/had visitors etc they would say dd and ds are going out now/ seeing their grandparents now/ having dinner soon they will call for you later so don't feel obliged to feed him if you don't want to - i'm sure he won't mind going back home if you ask him.

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/02/2008 09:29

I am quite happy leaving my 12 year old dd for a length of time, about half a day. Generally my mum looks after dd in the long holidays, but not during half term. I take the time off as leave, but have worked the Friday (9 til 2) and she has been fine left on her own like this. I get up and have breakfast with her, and she goes back to bed entertains herself for that time. Luckily I work about 1.5 miles away so can get home pretty damn quick if needed. She is also very sensible and I trsut her. If I am lucky the hoovering gets done! Also, in a normal school week she spends about an hour at home alone after school.

DD simply would not go to after-school/holiday clubs as she is pretty mature for her age, and I think would find organised activities such as they provide tedious to the extreme. I just thanks god mym mum looks after her for the most part, it is incredibly difficult to find childcare fort his age, and I agree that to leave a 12 year old all day is a bit too much. However, it all depends on the child really and how mature they are.

ConnorTraceptive · 12/02/2008 09:30

I don't think this is too young to be left alone tbh. I think it's perfectly possible that it is the young lad that might have caught onto a cushy little number with regards to being fed and watered.

Perfectly probable that his mum has left him things to eat that he either doesn't want or can't be bothered to make.

I would say to him "Doesn't your mum mind if you don't eat the food she's left for you?" and see what he says.

Anna8888 · 12/02/2008 09:35

Poor boy . How horrible to be supposed to "entertain oneself" all on one's own all day aged only 12.

But I quite agree that it is not the OP's responsibility to step in where the boy's parents have abnegated responsibility.

Very difficult for you. I think you should have a quiet, as-tactful-as-possible word with the mother.

cory · 12/02/2008 09:40

I am planning to leave dd (11) for 4 hours on one of the halfterm days, feeling fairly confident that she can fix herself a meal.

(Her alternative option would be to come up to work and listen to her Mum whaffle about subjunctives in subclauses- she has politely declined this offer.[wink[)

So I don't think expecting a 12yo to feed himself and stay on his own is unreasonable in itself.

Still, that is half a day day out of the whole week. I also do try to arrange something that's a bit more fun for her during the rest of halfterm. We'll go swimming, she'll have friends round, the CM will take her for 2 days.

What your friend is doing is totally different, just expecting him to hang around with no fun for a whole week. There are clubs and things you can go to. Or if he comes to play with your ds, she should make arrangements for reciprocating.

As it is, she is taking advantage of your good nature. What if you decided to be out all week? Or what if ds had plans of his own? She should at least have discussed her situation beforehand and given you a good chance to opt out.

pointydog · 12/02/2008 09:41

Let him go home to make his own sandwich. He's old enough. Tell him you're going to busy in the afternoon and usher him out.

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