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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed that one of my neighbours leaves her 12yr old son alone during half term........

60 replies

ishouldbeironing · 11/02/2008 22:04

and without asking me I appear to be chilminding.
Her DS will call round to my house to see my DDS and before I know it I am feeding him lunch and he is here for the remainder of the day.
It would appear that my neighbour has made no provision for childcare for him.
It just makes me soooo yet I feel so mean for resenting giving him a bit of lunch.
I end up hating myself but I spose I am at her for being so cavalier with regards to her DS

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 12/02/2008 09:45

cory - quite agree that four hours on one's own out of a whole week for an 11/12 year old is fine - in fact, it's a good thing to get children this age used to spending some time on their own at home.

It's the whole week with no company or entertainment all day every day that is far too much to expect from a 12 year old.

ConnorTraceptive · 12/02/2008 09:52

But that's just life sometimes isn't it, not everyone has the means to be around to provide entertainment for children during the holidays.

God a 12 year old should be able to entertain themselves and if he's got mates to call on then what's the prob?

Agreed he shouldn't be spending all day holed up in someone else's home eating their food though.

nametaken · 12/02/2008 09:55

he probably eats what his mum leaves him and then comes round to you where he can't believe his luck

there are always neighbours kids in and out of our house during holidays and they just get sent home when we have our lunch. I have no idea whether their parents are home or not.

Anna8888 · 12/02/2008 10:07

No, I don't think that is "just life". One week on your own all day every day with no entertainment or occupation or company at age 12 is not OK.

Parents need to think ahead and plan something with their child. My elder stepson had no school last Friday - so we made sure he's arranged to go and play tennis with a friend, and would be eating lunch with same friend. It doesn't have to involve huge amounts of pre-planning or expenditure, but it is very important that a child doesn't spend endless days at a loose end.

GetOrfMoiLand · 12/02/2008 10:13

Do agree with anna8888 that all week alone at the age of 12 is a bit bleak. However, it is a sad fact of life that some people have no choice than to do this.

eandh · 12/02/2008 10:13

My Mum used to leave me in school holidays when I was 12 (my brother would have been 14) but it was only 2 days a week and I was fine with it (could make lunch etc) also I used to do my homework on these days as I could use the whole dining room table. Saying that where I gre up it was like 'ramsay st in neighbours' and all the houses had kids same age and we'd all grown up together so quite often one or two of the adults use to kock and check I was ok (my brother would have been out the front with his mates playing footie) also my mum use to come home for her lucnh hour (she works very close to home) so in theory used to be left 8.50 to 1.05 the 1.55 to 5.05

MrsSchadenfreude · 12/02/2008 10:50

I used to like being left alone in the school holidays at age 12 or 13. My boyfriend used to come round the minute my Mum's car pulled out of the drive and we'd spend the day superglued to each other's lips.

Syrupent · 12/02/2008 11:42

It does seem to long to leave a 12yo. His mum perhaps doesn't know you are effectivley acting as unpaid childcarer though! I would think half a day would be reasonable to leave him alone, I plan to leave 14yo and 11 yo alone for half day this week, but thats only once out of the whole week. I do not allow them to go out (unless emergency) or have friends in when they are alone. It is hard at this age as there is very little childcare provision for older children in the hols, and at that age they would probably hate it anyway. Think you will have to say something or the same thing will happen next holiday (only 5 weeks!).

nappyaddict · 12/02/2008 12:39

i used to be left from about 10:30 til 6ish. mum knew i had friends i would call up if i was bored and wanted to do something. she also knew that we didn't make plans in advance so she wouldn't worry if when she left that morning i had nothing planned cos whenever we all met up it was always a last minute arrangement. it obviously wasn't cool to make plans in advance

duchesse · 12/02/2008 12:45

She may have no choice. Many childcare settings do not take 12 yr olds. The child is lonely, and that's why he comes round to yours. Poor little kid.

Through working as a teacher, I've met many 12 yr olds who were quite severely neglected emotionally even though their parents thought they were a) mature and b) fine to be left alone. They are wrong.

clam · 12/02/2008 12:56

She may have no choice to go out to work, but she can't just leave her child alone without some backup. You wouldn't for a 4 year old, you'd have to sort something out. I accept that 12 is a difficult age, but if the mum's not aware that her son's spending the day with the OP then she jolly well ought to be aware. And acknowledge the fact in some way, by having a word about it. To do nothing is neglectful - not to mention bloody rude.

Kitti · 12/02/2008 13:04

Is this thread about what is the best age to leave a child home alone or the fact that the boy is around the op's house EVERY day that he's being left alone?? Does this mum know where he is and if so she should have the decency to ask if it's ok. Some 12 year old's are capable of looking after themselves but perhaps it's still not ideal. I'm 35 and I was left alone to look after my little brother alot but that was back then - these sort of things aren't quite as acceptable now. I'd feel uncomfortable knowing he was home alone but figure it's none of my business - however if he was around my house every day I'd be feeling the same as the op. It's unpaid childcare. The odd playdate is fine but whilst he's at her home she is responsible for him and it's not someting that she has agreed to. It's all very well turning him away but then where will he go? What if something happened to him? Would this mother then come charging around her house saying "You knew he was alone all day why did you send him away??" I think it's an unfair situation to be in. I am actually in a similar situation where I started to let an 8 year old classmate of my daughter's in to play and he called every day thereafter even on NEW YEAR'S DAY!! He calls at the weekends as well even though I've said please don't as hubby is home and he wants family time not looking after other peoples' kids! I often feel angry at this other mum that she's letting her 8 year old boy out alone to wander the streets and she actually has no idea if he's at my house (she doesn't even know me!) or someone else's and she'd have no idea if anything bad had happened to him. I think that the boy needs to realise that he can't just turn up and stay all day - go out for a few days in a row - it's a pain but I think you need to be out of the house and the message will hopefully get back to his mum. Perhaps she has no choice to leave him but then if she has no choice and still expects him to have somewhere safe to go then she needs to discuss that with other people. Perhaps try and arrange with his various friends that he spends one day with each of them - it's her child. Agree with other posts here he should be able to make himself something to eat - he's just being lazy (unless there genuinely isn't any food in the house?) but still - not your problem.

ProfessorGrammaticus · 12/02/2008 13:09

OMG Mrs S - I think that's one of the things we're all worried about!!

nappyaddict · 12/02/2008 13:09

I used to go over to my friends on xmas day and new years day but i always waited for them to call for me. some children do grow up doing this so don't realise other people don't find it ok. shocked that his mum lets him call for other people's kids on these days expecting to go to their house though.

cory · 12/02/2008 13:17

Kitti is right; it's two separate things. Independence- good, lack of planning- bad.

Personally, I don't have a problem with dc's mates calling round at weekends- but that's because I know I can tell them if it's not convenient; their parents aren't basing their lives around the assumption that we will provide non-stop childcare. I don't feel children are turning up to stay all day- I am the one who tells them if they can come in in the first place and when I would like them to leave. If we happen to be eating, they can wait. I've never known a child to force itself into my house.

I would feel a whole week is too old for a 12-year-old, based on my memories of what unsupervised 12-year-olds were getting up to in my day. And these days it's a fair bet that most of his well-looked-after mates will be having some sort of holiday arrangement or be with their families- which leaves the other lot for him to socialise with.

Bridie3 · 12/02/2008 13:27

Mine are used to being left alone for up to 40 minutes (nine year old) or two hours (11-year old). They are sensible and understand the rules.
CHildren often come and knock on the door to come in and play and we usually let them (but NOT when the children are alone, only when we're here).

Isn't that what living in a friendly neighbourhood means--letting friends come round on an ad hoc basis? I love knowing there are people around my children can play with without arrangements having to be made. And it it's not convenient we just say so.

clam · 12/02/2008 13:37

But this isn't ad hoc. It's effectively unpaid childcare. And if the mum knows about it, it's unfair, and if she doesn't know about it then she should do.

Original poster

ishouldbeironing · 12/02/2008 13:58

wow I really didnt expect this thing to kick off in the way that it has.
I have been thinking a bit more about why it bothers me so much and I think it is because when his mother returned to work a year ago I asked her about her childcare arrangements (she has 2 other children)
I asked because I know how difficult and expensive this is but she was very vague and I soon realised that her arrangements were going to be very ad hoc.
Of course I dont mind having her DS around but I do feel that I am being used as a form of childcare and her way of dealing with this is simply not to recognise that this is what I am providing.
A thank you or at least a bit of recognition would actually go a long way with me.

OP posts:

duchesse · 12/02/2008 14:04

ishouldbe- she may actually have very little idea of what he is doing during the day. Maybe you could mention to her that he seems rather bored, and had she heard about the local authority holiday playschemes? Even if her 12 yr old is too old for them, your asking her might prompt her to reconsider whether she is leaving him too unsupervised.

Original poster

ishouldbeironing · 12/02/2008 14:13

Yes you are right I think that she has very little idea of where he is during the day.
Playscheme hints are worth dropping .
I havent seen him today maybe hes got the message and now I feel like a cow cos its not his fault

OP posts:

onthewarpath · 06/11/2008 07:21

The NSPCC suggest that before 13 it is too young to be left home alone. This is a guidline only, not a law.Fom The Safer Parenting Handbook, A guide for parents and carers.(Issued by Stockport metropolitan borough council, safeguarding children in Stockport)

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 06/11/2008 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsFlittersnoop · 06/11/2008 12:42

I think this is a very appropriate thread to bump in view of the debate raging elsewhere about single parents "choosing" a SAHM "lifestyle" by claiming benefits.

From 2009, single mothers with children aged 12 or over will be obliged to register for work to in order to claim benefits.

No doubt they will all be able to "choose" from the plethora of local, family-friendly jobs available that are sufficiently well paid to come off benefits, while their children make use of the wonderful cheap playschemes available out there for secondary school-aged kids.

Actually, many women will be forced to take minimum wage work, doing odd shifts involving evenings and weekends, with 20 days annual leave to cover all the school holidays. They will still be dependant on benefits under the guise of Tax Credits and Housing Benefit. The children will be left to fend for themselves in the sort of circumstances the OP describes. And if they are lucky, they might have a caring neighbour to watch out for them.

wellymelly · 31/10/2011 00:27

Its a difficult one - because it depends on whether your neighbour has the money to pay for clubs, or childcare if there was such a thing for this age group. 12 year olds vary alot. He may be fine on his own for a day - although I would never leave mine for that long - not particularly mature. Lots of young teens are out and about most of the day with friends even if they do have a parent at home. It could be that your neighbour is unaware of what is happening and that her son is taking advantage but I think most 12 year olds would probably do the same if someone offered them free entertainment and lunch! You have no obligation to feed him or provide entertainment and you definitely shouldn't have to go out to escape! Maybe just be clear if he calls that he can come in for an hour but then you will be busy and maybe if your daughter is free she could call for him later? I had a similar thing with a son's school (not close) friend calling round all the time after school - on my days off. He came in a couple of times and then I ended up giving him food and drinks and he was getting a bit cheeky so I told my son that he shouldn't just turn up with him as it was forming into a bit of a habit. Habit broken now and all fine. Good luck.

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 00:37

Still since the kid is almost 16 now I doubt it matters.....

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