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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother’s Day and useless siblings

69 replies

Cheltenbacon · 16/03/2023 17:02

Four of us, two live abroad, two in the UK and an equal distance from DM. DF is no longer with us. Mother’s Day, DM’s birthday, Christmas, Easter etc always, always, always fall to me. Everyone likes DM, gets on with DM, appreciates DM but they’re disorganised and apathetic and just don’t try. Sometimes I host, sometimes DM hosts but it’s the planning and the food, the gifts, the flowers, cakes or wine or cards or whatever - I always do it. I always organise a call with all of us, I always sign cards and gifts from us all…

This year, I thought, fuck it. I’m working 60 hours a week, I have two DCs of my own - one sibling has a DC but doesn’t work and two others have no DCs so why is Mother’s Day always up to me to organise (meaning I don’t really get to the Mum on Mother’s Day). It’s obviously on Sunday and no one has even mentioned it. Part of me thinks I’ll leave it - I’ll give DM what I’ve done, signed from me and let the chips fall. But, in truth, the chips will fall with DM not knowing what she’s done wrong to not even get a message on Mother’s Day from 3/4 of her children - which she doesn’t deserve. I’ve tried chivvying everyone else along for years and no one does.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 16/03/2023 17:06

I think that you should have never organised this for other adults. You give from you and your's. Leave your siblings to decide what they want to do and if they want to celebrate it.

GlassBunion · 16/03/2023 17:08

Going forward, tell the others that you will be doing your own thing and let them organise their own offerings.

Original poster
Cheltenbacon · 16/03/2023 17:09

Ponoka7 · 16/03/2023 17:06

I think that you should have never organised this for other adults. You give from you and your's. Leave your siblings to decide what they want to do and if they want to celebrate it.

This is half the problem, because I’m the youngest, I was loving it at home when it all started so that’s why it became my role to organise and collate and distribute (because I was physically present). It’s just carried over into adulthood.

OP posts:
Sacmagique75 · 16/03/2023 17:09

I empathise. Similar situation here. However my honest thoughts are, that for your siblings with no DC, Mother’s Day is simply not as big a deal, or any kind of deal, as it is for you as a parent. They perhaps haven’t even really twigged it’s this weekend or particularly care. I’ve certainly found a new found respect for my own mother since having children that my own childfree siblings do not seem to have. I want to do nice things for her. They (into their 30’s now!) still just see her as their mum to do everything for them. That balance hasn’t shifted in a way it is for me.

Also, after years of you doing everything they simply come to expect you to do it all. Remember you do it not for them, but for your mother who you appreciate, respect and want to spoil. The fact that it all falls to you I’m sure is noticed even if the appropriate credit is not given. At least she’s raised one loving and thoughtful child! Hopefully that will be passed on to you in kind when your own children are older.

Botw1 · 16/03/2023 17:09

This is not your problem

It's between your mum and her kids

Original poster
Cheltenbacon · 16/03/2023 17:10

GlassBunion · 16/03/2023 17:08

Going forward, tell the others that you will be doing your own thing and let them organise their own offerings.

I did that a few years ago and a few days before, I checked in and no one had done anything so I fixed it. I feel like they won’t get the message but that involves DM getting hurt.

OP posts:
BigglyBee · 16/03/2023 17:13

Stop stepping in to fix it. Honestly, you have to just stop. Let them deal with any fallout.

Either you have differing experiences of your mother, or they just can't be bothered. Either way, you need to back off and let them have their own relationships with your mother, however that might be. Your mum almost certainly knows who bothers and who doesn't, so spare yourself the stress and stop trying to make everything "right".

CocaineBear · 16/03/2023 17:19

You've built a rod for your own back. Stop doing it all.

Email all siblings now saying Hi All, I don't have the capacity to be organiser this year, I'll just send my own gift, please sort your own.

Then just sort your own.

What they do or don't do isn't your business.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/03/2023 17:24

You’re your own worst enemy. I’ve fallen into the same trap so I’m not being horrible. She’s well aware they’re all adults, it’s up to each of you to make your own arrangements. If she’s hurt they don’t bother it’s not your fault, just let that go.

I remember the year I didn’t mention it to my siblings and one of my brothers messaged me asking what “we are doing for Mother’s Day”. I left it a day to reply and just said I’ve sorted my gift and card, what are you doing?

Some years he bothers, others he doesn’t. It wouldn’t mean much to mum if I put his name on my card, she’d know it was me trying to cover.

This year I’ve organised afternoon tea for mum with DH and DD, my other brother asked if he was up if we could all have lunch so I’ve invited him to join existing plans and he’s bringing a gift. No idea what the other one is doing or not. I don’t care. Mum won’t really either as she knows he’s a flake!

Take a breath and let. it. go.

You’re only responsible for your own relationship with your mum.

GlassBunion · 16/03/2023 17:28

But you're enabling them in their disregard.

Your mum needs to know. I'm sorry.
If you keep enabling them then you suffer the anguish, pity, guilt and expense.

Just tell them.

As a mum , I'd be hurt if I found out that only one child manipulated the occasion so that I'd feel happy.

Emanresu9 · 16/03/2023 17:33

It is not your problem if there is an awkward moment when 3 out 4 children get her nothing. it needs to happen. This is ridiculous and surely all these gifts with their names on are utterly meaningless too as they didn't arrange them or even think of them. As a mother i wouldn't want that either. I don't want to be just a chore. If my children value me and want to get something fine but i don't want to be just a tick box for any of them when they are adults

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/03/2023 17:38

What do they do about her birthday and Christmas?

twoshedsjackson · 16/03/2023 17:45

I think it's a bit late for this year, but you need to let siblings know that this is not carrying on indefinitely.
My DM had two brothers, and they arranged (amicably) that Christmas Day was nuclear family, and Boxing Day was on a three-year rota..
You could suggest something similar for Mothers Day, starting next year, and limit your reminders to jogging the memory of the relevant sibling - once. To be fair, it is a different date every year. Then, as @AnneLovesGilbert suggests, just let them know what you are doing on your own behalf, if they bother to ask, or refer them to the sibling whose "turn" it is.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 16/03/2023 17:46

I sympathise massively - I have a sibling abroad who never remembers even with prompts - I can see how hurt my DM is. Other sibling very selfishly expects my DM to do all the organising herself if she wants something. It's hard.

Pinkbananas01 · 16/03/2023 17:49

Leave them To sort it out themselves, at most remind them a few days before. About time they stepped up to be adults

Strugglingtodomybest · 16/03/2023 17:53

It wouldn't in a million years occur to me that it was my responsibility to organise MD on behalf of my sibling. His relationship with DM is just that, his relationship.

Honestly OP, I know you care about your DM's feelings, which is lovely, but she will surely know already that it's you doing it all, so I wonder how hurt she would actually be if you just sorted stuff for yourself, rather than everyone else too?

RandomMess · 16/03/2023 17:53

My eldest is taking a step back from organising things for me. It will be interesting on Sunday to see if I even get a message from any of them tbh!!

Skyeheather · 16/03/2023 17:57

Send them a message telling them that it's Mother's Day on Sunday and this year you are leaving them to sort themselves out - it's not too late for them to order something online for next day delivery or delivery on Sunday.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 16/03/2023 17:57

If you keep doing it for other people they’ll never learn. You need to say you’re not doing it and stick to it

Turnipworkharder · 16/03/2023 18:03

Do you think your Mother doesn't know what you do ?

You shouldn't protect your Mother from her useless (other) adult children.

ferneytorro · 16/03/2023 18:03

Botw1 · 16/03/2023 17:09

This is not your problem

It's between your mum and her kids

Just came on to say this. You can't spend your life protecting other people's feelings, better she knows that they aren't bothered. You don't know, they may get her something but whilst you were doing it why would they? they also may not of course. No good doing what is a good deed and being pissed off about it.

UdoU · 16/03/2023 18:12

Make an extra special effort but make it all from you ONLY.

You need to stop throwing a veil over your useless siblings, let DM see their true selves. She birthed them, they can't fool her.

GoodChat · 16/03/2023 18:17

Your DM will already know it's you who does everything. She won't be surprised to get nothing from them.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 16/03/2023 18:32

I detached from that circus years ago.
This Sunday I have booked a Sunday lunch with my mum and my dds/dh.
My sister may/ may not send a card. She may/may not send flowers and I have to draw on my resilience whilst I listen to that.

Nimbostratus100 · 16/03/2023 18:37

you have set up unrealistic expectations, and your mum will now wonder why if all this stops. Best thing would have been to never start, but you can do it this year, then say to her you have decided to stop sending cards, as many people now have, for environmental reasons, so not to expect any in the future

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