Mother’s Day and useless siblings

[Cheltenbacon]

Four of us, two live abroad, two in the UK and an equal distance from DM. DF is no longer with us. Mother’s Day, DM’s birthday, Christmas, Easter etc always, always, always fall to me. Everyone likes DM, gets on with DM, appreciates DM but they’re disorganised and apathetic and just don’t try. Sometimes I host, sometimes DM hosts but it’s the planning and the food, the gifts, the flowers, cakes or wine or cards or whatever - I always do it. I always organise a call with all of us, I always sign cards and gifts from us all…

This year, I thought, fuck it. I’m working 60 hours a week, I have two DCs of my own - one sibling has a DC but doesn’t work and two others have no DCs so why is Mother’s Day always up to me to organise (meaning I don’t really get to the Mum on Mother’s Day). It’s obviously on Sunday and no one has even mentioned it. Part of me thinks I’ll leave it - I’ll give DM what I’ve done, signed from me and let the chips fall. But, in truth, the chips will fall with DM not knowing what she’s done wrong to not even get a message on Mother’s Day from 3/4 of her children - which she doesn’t deserve. I’ve tried chivvying everyone else along for years and no one does.

Any thoughts?

I would just have mum over on your own with your family. If they want to do something then fine .or just join in after lunch for tea or something. Most siblings seem happy to sit back and let one do it all!.

It sounds like a lot of hard work. If you want to make a big thing of it great and good for you. But why are you guiilt tripping your siblings into making a big fuss. Flowers cards me3sls people just can't be bothered.

I echo a lot of the other posters, you need to send out a breezy message/email stating you aren't doing it this year, or anymore.

On a much lesser scale I used to have similar with my brother, except it was my mum pushing it on me. So expecting me to arrange gifts/cards for relatives on behalf of me and my brother, cos he was so incapable you know..

Don’t send a message to them. Don’t remind them. It’s not he tv, every company I’ve bought things from has sent me messages with gift ideas. There’s a note automatically on my calendar that iphone has added for me without my help. It’s down to them.

you do your thing and if they can do theirs. Or not. But they are adults and if they want you to do something for them, they should at least ask.

It's bad enough that you do it, you enable their useless behaviour. But now you're a martyr about it too, just stop as no one is making you do it. Any fall out won't be about you, it'll be about your siblings and your mum. Let them get on with it.

I used to do the same for my brothers and stopped a few years ago.

One brother is great now and always sorts out his own presents. The other is useless but that's on him not me.

Mum knew I was the one organising everything anyway lol. I live overseas and can still get cards/presents/flowers etc sorted easily. Don't let your other siblings use that as an excuse 😊

If your siblings ask just say you saw something small and sorted your present yourself. There's still time for them to organise something if they want to.

Honestly I would do your own thing and leave the others to sort themselves out. Tell them of your intention.

My sister lives overseas and I got fed up of reminding about Mothers/Fathers Day. Thankfully my parents know how unreliable she is and always make allowances for her because she's the fucking golden child.

I'd be happy sending each a text.
'This is your Mother's Day reminder. Don't forget to sort mum out, I've sent my present and card already, so please don't forget yours or she'll be upset'

Then tell mum everyone decided they wanted to do their own things as it was sucking the fun out of the day for me too.

Do you not think it’s hurtful to get a card and gift pretending (lying) that it’s from someone it’s not? You’ve been performing a bit of a farce for years by choice, no need to martyr yourself. You mother created these people, her relationship with them is her business. Let her know you haven’t had time this year to pretend gifts are from her other kids, but you’ve organised a treat for her from you.

I agree with this, it’s not your job to paper over your siblings shortcomings! Honestly, I’d send them a message today to say “Just to let you know I’m not able to sort anything on your behalf for mum on Mother’s Day any more as I’ve already got a lot on my plate.”

I just don’t understand all the posts saying you should remind them and say you aren’t doing anything for them. No. They are all adults, they will know it’s Mother’s Day. If they chose to do nothing that’s on them. You aren’t their pa - they have calendars and eyes, if they want you to do something for them, then they need to ask you.

no message. Just let it happen. If your mum is upset, that’s for her to communicate to her children. You don’t have to be involved at all. Perhaps it would be good for your mum to be upset at them. Sometimes arguments need to happen.

No way should you feel bad about not organising your siblings. They're grown ups and more than capable. Stop enabling their laziness. Organise your mum a gift or treat but just from you. Don't let them take the credit for your efforts.

Seems like OP won’t be back.

Why are you doing it for them....

I have 3 siblings and occasionally I have reminded them but I don't bother now, they all have partners (and children) so they can deal with their own stuff.

I won't be shocked if they all forget to send a card/message etc but due to location I will host my mum.

Even without kids I remembered mothers /fathers day.... I do find men worse than women at organising and dealing... but I exclude my husband because he has it all in hand.... he can't put a picture up though...

You have only yourself to blame, you are enabling their behaviour. Stop doing it.

Why do they or you need to "do" anything. Surely a card and a small token gift is fine. For those abroad, a card would suffice.

My 3 siblings are utter shits. I always have to organise it all. I thought this year given my DM is likely to be dead by next year that they might step up and arse themselves to make even a bare minimum of effort but nope.

My brother, the golden child, will probably deign to send a text at 11pm on Sunday night and she’ll praise him to high heaven for the next month for it.

Part of me thinks I’ll leave it - I’ll give DM what I’ve done, signed from me and let the chips fall. But, in truth, the chips will fall with DM not knowing what she’s done wrong to not even get a message on Mother’s Day from 3/4 of her children - which she doesn’t deserve. I’ve tried chivvying everyone else along for years and no one does.

Drop the rope.
It's not your responsibility to mitigate against your mother's inevitable disappointment, unpleasant though it will be to witness.

You have more than enough on your plate, just manage your own relationship with your mum, & leave your siblings to it.

So, how did it go in the end @Cheltenbacon ?