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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of DH acting like an only child?

66 replies

PolkaDotMankini · 15/03/2023 17:11

DH has an older brother who has a lovely fiancée, good job where he picks his own hours, no DC or pets. MIL is in her 70's, in good health and very easy-going. I like her.

BIL "doesn't do visiting" on either day, meaning MIL comes to stay with us or we go to see her every single Christmas and Mother's Day. I think this is bloody selfish and would like to alternate so we can take turns to have these occasions just us.

Last Christmas DH agreed to going away this year. WIBU to remind him of this and that he needs to tell BIL to step up, then keep going to alternating actually happens?

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 15/03/2023 17:14

"Doesn't do visiting"

What a wanker.

What he means is that he doesn't consider it important enough for him to visit.

LittleOwl153 · 15/03/2023 17:16

I'd give it a couple of weeks to clear mothers day - I'm assuming you already have plans with her this weekend? Then I'd raise booking the Christmas trip - show him some places you've looked into and see what his reaction is. I'd be looking to get something booked and then sharing with BIL/MIL.

Ponoka7 · 15/03/2023 17:20

Is she in good health? There are Christmas dinners being offered in most areas, if someone doesn't want to be on their own. I was on my own last Christmas. I don't think that you should expect an invite every year. But, he should invite her one year, if things have been ok between them and she is easy going with them.

redskylight · 15/03/2023 17:20

It's not obligatory for either brother to see MIL on Christmas Day or Mothers' Day. If you want to only go every other year, then do it.

Quartz2208 · 15/03/2023 17:27

redskylight · 15/03/2023 17:20

It's not obligatory for either brother to see MIL on Christmas Day or Mothers' Day. If you want to only go every other year, then do it.

Yep this. He can make his choice and you can make yours.

DH and his sister had a falling out over this but why should we spend Christmas with someone who spends no time with us or our children

Couldyounot · 15/03/2023 17:29

"doesn't do visiting"

Bet he "does" inheriting though 🙄

YANBU

EmmaEmerald · 15/03/2023 17:30

redskylight · 15/03/2023 17:20

It's not obligatory for either brother to see MIL on Christmas Day or Mothers' Day. If you want to only go every other year, then do it.

This
very strange title, your DH can see his mum whenever suits both of them.

Freshstarts22 · 15/03/2023 17:33

I’m really shocked at people saying neither has to see her. Imagine leaving your Mother alone at Xmas for no good reason 😥

Topseyt123 · 15/03/2023 17:35

"Doesn't do visiting"is just bollocks from BIL. He needs to learn to do it pronto!

Stick to your guns. If you are hosting Mother's Day then he can do her next birthday or Christmas etc. She's his mother too surely, though maybe he needs to be reminded of that.

Original poster
PolkaDotMankini · 15/03/2023 17:39

Interesting that the comments think IANBU whereas the votes are 56% IABU. I'm taking my own mum out for Mother's Day on Friday. No one will do anything for me for Mother's Day (the DC aren't DH's). I would like to prioritise my own family (or even myself!) sometimes.

OP posts:
redskylight · 15/03/2023 17:39

Freshstarts22 · 15/03/2023 17:33

I’m really shocked at people saying neither has to see her. Imagine leaving your Mother alone at Xmas for no good reason 😥

Firstly, there's no indication that she would be alone if neither family went to see her.
Secondly, if she doesn't live with anyone else, presumably there are lots of other days when she's alone. Why is Xmas Day different?
Thirdly, people should go and see other people because they like them and want to; not out of a sense of "duty".

My MIL spent last Christmas alone. We actually did invite her over but she said she was happier just spending the day as she wanted.

Which brings me to my fourth point, which is that maybe someone should ask MIL what she'd like? Maybe she's going to see OP and her DH because she feels bad about letting them down?

IamSmarticus · 15/03/2023 17:43

I voted YABU because you can't make BiL step-up and you can't make him alternate anything.

If he wants to be selfish and not see his mother on these occasions then that is up to him. It doesn't mean that you have to do it every year or that you can't prioritise yourself or your own mother.

Quartz2208 · 15/03/2023 17:46

PolkaDotMankini · 15/03/2023 17:39

Interesting that the comments think IANBU whereas the votes are 56% IABU. I'm taking my own mum out for Mother's Day on Friday. No one will do anything for me for Mother's Day (the DC aren't DH's). I would like to prioritise my own family (or even myself!) sometimes.

What is stopping you

bellac11 · 15/03/2023 17:49

My sister is a bit like this and people always think Im an only child. It wouldnt occur to her to check on family or suggest ways she can support them. She has aspergers which means she sees life differently and is a bit cut off in some ways, she isnt being purposely selfish.

It is hard at times.

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 17:51

PolkaDotMankini · 15/03/2023 17:39

Interesting that the comments think IANBU whereas the votes are 56% IABU. I'm taking my own mum out for Mother's Day on Friday. No one will do anything for me for Mother's Day (the DC aren't DH's). I would like to prioritise my own family (or even myself!) sometimes.

I’m assuming your children are too young to organise a present for you themselves, but why wouldn’t your husband help them? He still knows you are a mother and presumably lives with the children. I find that odd. Just remind your husband now about going away for Christmas and ask him to speak to his brother. I really don’t see the big deal having your mother in law with you for Mother’s Day, surely she can just join in with your family?

CantAskAnyoneElse · 15/03/2023 17:52

YABU, Very U.

He doesn’t have to see her if he doesnmt want to.
That doesn’t make him selfish.
He’s done nothing wrong.
You are being odd though.

HanSB · 15/03/2023 17:56

You can't force someone to be a nice person and considerate to others. It sounds like your BIL is selfish by nature. Yes, it is unfair that it has fallen on your family to ensure MIL is not lonely. Perhaps a word to his 'lovely fiancee' who may be able to sway him to consider his own mother?

Bellaboo01 · 15/03/2023 17:56

PolkaDotMankini · 15/03/2023 17:11

DH has an older brother who has a lovely fiancée, good job where he picks his own hours, no DC or pets. MIL is in her 70's, in good health and very easy-going. I like her.

BIL "doesn't do visiting" on either day, meaning MIL comes to stay with us or we go to see her every single Christmas and Mother's Day. I think this is bloody selfish and would like to alternate so we can take turns to have these occasions just us.

Last Christmas DH agreed to going away this year. WIBU to remind him of this and that he needs to tell BIL to step up, then keep going to alternating actually happens?

When you say he doesnt do visiting do you mean all year round or just those two days of the year that you are bothered about?

If she is nice, what is the issue with including her in your plans. Or if you dont, she is young enough to arrange her own plans.

Bellaboo01 · 15/03/2023 17:58

Eyerollcentral · 15/03/2023 17:51

I’m assuming your children are too young to organise a present for you themselves, but why wouldn’t your husband help them? He still knows you are a mother and presumably lives with the children. I find that odd. Just remind your husband now about going away for Christmas and ask him to speak to his brother. I really don’t see the big deal having your mother in law with you for Mother’s Day, surely she can just join in with your family?

Show quote history

This

phoenixrosehere · 15/03/2023 18:00

I’m curious on what the relationship/backstory is between BIL and his mother that he doesn’t want to see her.

Saying that, your DH cannot force his brother to see her if he doesn’t want to.

CecilyP · 15/03/2023 18:02

Do you actually have genuine plans for going away at Christmas; is there something you really want to do? Or do you just want to to ensure BIL steps up? Regarding Mother’s Day, it’s just another Sunday really. Assuming you all live locally, if you see MIL this Sunday, there are plenty of other Sundays to do what you want.

bellac11 · 15/03/2023 18:03

I meant to add that you should be proud of your partner that he supports his mum.

ShapesAndNumbers · 15/03/2023 18:06

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/03/2023 18:20

You don't get to dictate what bil does.

You are fine to decide to celebrate alone sometimes.

barbrahunter · 15/03/2023 18:26

I have been in the same situation as you, OP and trust me, even holding a gun to his head would not have made my DB into a decent person who wanted to visit the mother who adored him. You might as well accept that you and your DH are on your own with MIL. How often you want to invite her to your home is something in the short term to think about.

What may be more useful is to find out your MIL's wishes about what she wants to happen if her health/mental state starts to decline. Perhaps a LPOA, perhaps a discussion about nursing homes? I think you can expect jack shit support from BIL and You'll only see him take interest when the will is read, as someone upthread already said. Selfish arses will never change.