To be fed up of DH acting like an only child?

[PolkaDotMankini]

DH has an older brother who has a lovely fiancée, good job where he picks his own hours, no DC or pets. MIL is in her 70's, in good health and very easy-going. I like her.

BIL "doesn't do visiting" on either day, meaning MIL comes to stay with us or we go to see her every single Christmas and Mother's Day. I think this is bloody selfish and would like to alternate so we can take turns to have these occasions just us.

Last Christmas DH agreed to going away this year. WIBU to remind him of this and that he needs to tell BIL to step up, then keep going to alternating actually happens?

I'm shocked that people are comfortable with leaving an elderly parent (who is nice) on their own at Christmas time, but I've heard this so many times I think this is maybe this is a cultural thing. So yes I would tell my DB to step up but I wouldn't try and force him.

Op, if current arrangements mean you miss out on seeing your own side of the family then you need to put a solution in place, even if that involves overnight stays somewhere. Ultimately you are making a choice about your family which you cannot blame on your BILs behaviour. A 'heck of a drive' and even an absent husband wouldn't stop me from seeing an elderly relative if I wanted to, I'd book a B&B half way to break up the journey. It's only once a year and your suggestion would mean not visiting every year anyway.

Also quite telling that you negotiated with DH not to see your family this year but to go away.

Finally, I cannot believe that if your children aren't old enough to arrange Mother's Day treats by themselves, that your DH doesn't think he should step up and assist as they aren't biologically his. Are you a family or not? If it's important to you just tell him for goodness sake.

My sister has a new trick of visiting my Mother before Christmas, meaning we host her as usual, for over 20 years, when we would really like a day to ourselves for once.
Other sibling never offers to have her, but they do more than their share of running around the rest of the year.

I particularly hate Christmas

Yes, sorry - I don't understand why visiting your MIL every few weekends is stopping you from seeing your gran? Why don't you see your gran on the weekends you don't see your MIL?

I agree with others that you do t get to dictate what your BIL and SIL do - that's on them. Your dh should do what makes him happy and you shouldn't pressurise him not to see his MIl.

I would make my plans for Mother's Day with your own dm and then invite MIl along so she has the offer - up to her whether she comes or not.

So he lives with you, Iives with your kids and now you want to stop him seeing his mother every few weeks? Because it interferes with your family life? Or is it Mother's Day and Christmas only that you are bothered about?

Wow. Everything we do as mothers and the love we have for our children, and it seems we then are just seen as a burden when our kids become adults. I'd be devastated if my children secretly resented me being there on special days. Very sad.

Could you not do something for mothers day with your MIL on the Saturday and your grandmother/mum on the Sunday?

Does the brother never visit or just never on Mother's Day?

I never do much for Mother's Day, I think these "days" are baloney (like valentine s day), does not mean I did not have a good relationship with my mum though (or my kids)

I'm really surprised by all the comments calling BiL selfish, saying 'who could leave a relative alone on Christmas' etc. Every Christmas MN is absolutely full of threads where everyone agrees that it's not just fine but better to do Christmas 'just your little family'. Is it because BiL (seemingly) doesn't have kids that he isn't allowed this?

You can't make BIL visit his DM more, so you have to accept if you choose to go away at Christmas MIL may be on her own.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do it - MIL may make other arrangements if you let her know now you have other plans, or BIL may step in, but you can't force him to.

I'd say as she is getting older, this will get worse in the future, so take your breaks now when it's just a question of company and little jobs, rather than more onerous needs.

So have a day to yourself.

Literally the only person putting this job upon yourself is you.

My SILs went to live on another Continent more than 30 years ago. One has done a minimal amount for her mother; the other diddly squat.

We have been married for 32 years. After a Christmas with an over-excited two year old at my mother's we said "children need to be in their own beds in their own homes". You are very welcome - both sides together or alternating.

My step didn't do visiting at Christmas. ILs visited every single year and stayed for a week until FIL died and then MIL came alone. Now she is frail we rent a house near her for Christmas.

So for 32 years, my mother and step have come for Christmas Dinner in mid December and the ILs/MIL for a week at Christmas.

My SILs on the whole have behaved like spoilt brats for the last 30 years. They have not behaved like only children because only children are usually generous and kind.

How far away is your gran that you can't manage the drive alone. That strikes me as a bit precious unless it's more than three hours each way.

Can your and your DC travel down to your family on public transport if you don't want to drive? You could go the day before and stay somewhere. You go and visit your family and leave your DH to visit his.

Or could you visit DH's DM on Saturday, day overnight then visit your family on the Sunday?

You don't need to visit MIL on actual Mother's Day - DP is taking his DM out for dinner and giving her his gift on Friday evening as we have other plans on Sunday. MIL will see SIL the following weekend as she works shifts and will be working this weekend.

I take it MIL isn't married or doesn't have a partner? As the pp said, can't you get the train to your grandma if you don't like the drive? I'm sure you could get close enough to even the more remote parts of the country via train

This.

It's lovely to treat his mum but it really doesn't have to be on the actual day. I often don't celebrate my birthday on the day. I'd much rather have everyone together because that's the important bit than worry about exactly when.

On the other side of this, probably because I'm an only child @PolkaDotMankini, as a 62 year old who has cared for family for 32 years, I have actual fantasies about spending Christmas day alone with DH. Preferably in bed with a bottle of champagne and side of smoked salmon, binge watching Netflix.

You may find your MIL feels similarly.

You're right; it would be logistically possible for us all to go to my grandma's if we threw money at getting a hotel. A bit late for this year but something to think about. I do go to see her on other weekends and usually take the train but strikes and engineering works this weekend mean that wouldn't have been possible. I sometimes get very sleepy for no obvious reason, so I avoid long drives on my own where I can.

MIL, BIL and Grandma live about as far away from eachother as you can get and still be in England. The distances aren't trivial. We're closest to MIL but it's still a 2-hour drive one way. I'm allergic to her cat so we don't often stay overnight. BIL and fiancée have been together longer than me and DH. They have a lovely home but there's no space for overnight visitors.

I don't mind DH doing odd jobs and us visiting every few weeks. I think it's a good thing and would think less of DH if he didn't

TBH, this thread has thrown up some ideas I hadn't thought of, e.g. DH doing Mothers Day with MIL on Saturday. It seems really obvious but it just hadn't occurred to me.

I was really upset a couple of years ago when the DC hadn't done so much as organised a card for MD. DH has got better at organising them since then but there's no question of something happening just for me.