To be fed up of DH acting like an only child?

[PolkaDotMankini]

DH has an older brother who has a lovely fiancée, good job where he picks his own hours, no DC or pets. MIL is in her 70's, in good health and very easy-going. I like her.

BIL "doesn't do visiting" on either day, meaning MIL comes to stay with us or we go to see her every single Christmas and Mother's Day. I think this is bloody selfish and would like to alternate so we can take turns to have these occasions just us.

Last Christmas DH agreed to going away this year. WIBU to remind him of this and that he needs to tell BIL to step up, then keep going to alternating actually happens?

I don't do visits to a family member.

I have good reasons for that.

They are no one else's business.

You'd not get very far trying to guilt trip me into going.

It’s not for him to tell his brother what to do. And he needs to grow up with the not visiting.

This is a good approach, thanks.

None of us live locally - it's a long drive. DH goes regularly to do odd jobs for MIL and we all go down every few weeks to spend time with her at the weekend. I'm proud of him for wanting to take care of her but it always being on him does affect time that we have as a family and with my family. His brother and SIL visit twice a year. There's no bad history that I know of.

For an example of how it affects my family, my grandma is still alive but very old and frail. She also lives a long way away in a different direction. I'd love to go down on Sunday to have lunch with her and my mum. MIL would be welcome too, as she is at Christmas, but she lives too far away to join in for just the day. If DH went to see MIL and I went down to see my grandma with the DC then it's a heck of a drive for me on my own and I'd be knackered and worrying about the journey back instead of enjoying a nice lunch. So I miss out and my family misses out because I know DBro will be with my mum but if we didn't go to MIL then she'd be alone. I don't want to be "that" DIL who forces her DH to choose, but I also don't think that the same arrangement every year is fair when his brother just cba to make the effort.

This is simple logistics, no one has to miss out. Your mother in law can come the day before, stay over at yours or even get train/cab to a bnb near your nan and meet you there?

I do see your point. But if BIL is an arsehole, then the options are you see MIL every year or she is alone for xmas sometimes for no good reason.

Growing up I saw both sets of grandparents every year, they all came to stay at same time, and it was so lovely. Yes we kids had to sleep in idd places while grandparents borrowed our rooms butnit was fun.

Demanding you go away for Christmas or spend it alone is missing the point of the holiday. It’s about getting family together and making family memories for your children. Just do what everyone else does: stick MIL in the corner with a bottle of sherry and a box of quality street and get on with your day.

That doesn’t mean you can’t, you just don’t want to because it is a long drive. Big difference, and that one’s on you.

YABU, the fact that your husband feels obliged to entertain his mum has nothing to do with his brother who is entitled to make his own decision , nobody is forcing your husband to visit her .

Exactly

I'd also be making plans for next years mothers day then... I'd work out what you could achieve logistically and accomodation wise and making the plan. I'd probably make it work without DH - can your mother drive ? Could you hire a car / changeninsurance to make that work? Then I'd plan to go maybe Friday night or early Saturday, stay over come back Sunday. Yes you are driving late but its only 1 weekend.

I'd assume DH would come with you but I wouldn't force him. I'd say we'll I didn't see Grandma over Christmas/ last x number of mothers days and it's something I'd like to do. He will face a difficult choice no doubt - but he can't centre everything your whole family does around his mother. Making some different choices will opennup the conversation at least.

Whats happening for Easter? Could you make a long weekend of grandma visiting then as everyone is off school etc?

I know where you are coming from OP. I used to play this game with my family / inlaws...

Me too!! Jeez l couldn't let anyone be in their own unless of course they wanted to be

How far a drive to your mum/gran? could you go in train or is the MN long drive or 1/2 hrs?

I think it’s obvious that to most people Christmas isn’t just like any other day though. I also disagree that you shouldn’t see somebody out of a sense of duty. Assuming there’s no big back story I think adult do have a duty to their parents when they get older. They generally sacrifice a lot for their children and don’t deserve to be repaid by being neglected.
If they want to be alone that’s obviously fine but otherwise I think it’s quite selfish.

In op’s situation though, I would let dh and bil sort it out between themselves and prioritise seeing my own family when possible.

Yabu

Not because you want to go away
Not because you want to do alternative years.

Because you feel you can tell bil how to live his life. You can't. Work out what you want to do. Do it and let bil work out if he wants to visit then. Mil will cope.

I agree with this.

I think its unreasonable for your brother to insist that it's his 'turn' this Xmas. I think it's even more unreasonable for you to get involved. You cannot put social or moral obligations on me.
I have never had any guest for Xmas Dinner. I don't do Xmas. I'm regularly invited to others' homes and sometimes I do join in but mostly I enjoy doing nothing on my own. It riles me that people think I should eg spend Xmas with an elderly relative. Why do their needs trump mine.
Likewise your BIL prefers to do his own thing at Xmas. Why should your MILs wants trump his? It's not 'wrong' to not have a strong bond. It is wrong to think he should feel like you do. I doubt he's uncomfortable with his decision. Mention you'll be away this year but don't start telling him what he should do. I feel you are mistaken if you think that if you step back he'll be forced to step up. I doubt he'll feel that way.
I am curious about one thing though. How do you maintain a relationship with him if he never 'does visiting'? Do you always go to his? Again, if you do don't think if you stop going they'll somehow come to you. They won't. At least not anytime soon.
Accept that people are different.

@Freshstarts22 but it is a good reason. Its his Xmas day too.. Having another person their will completely change the dynamics, thats assuming theyre even at home. I bet she'd want picking up too.

Ideas:
Stop hosting special days yourself every year.
Brain storm with brother's fiancee about Christmas.
Have husband do the same with BIL.
Book a park rotunda for BYO picnics.
Book a restaurant near MIL or BIL house.
Ask BIL to call in and deliver flowers to MIL for Mothers Day for you as you will be away.
Get a caterer in to MIL place.
Shout MIL a high tea with three friends but no family in attandance every now and again.
Call in with MIL to BIL house for an occasional cup of tea.
Fiancee might bring with her some changes, hopefully.
Discussion needs to be had about MIL needs,wants, care as she gets older etc.

So you want your DH to not visit his mum on Mother’s Day, so that he can drive you to/from, so that you can have a nice relaxed Mother’s Day lunch with your mum and grandmother and dc? Is that what you’re saying?

That is pretty shit of your husband,

Your children might not be his but you are his partner and he should be celebrating you as a mother.

I personally think both children should be doing something for his Mum for Mother's day, doesn't have to be on Mother's day but how hard is it to buy a card and some flowers for her?

Christmas, yes you should be able to take turns without feeling guilty and yes of course his brother should be doing something with his Mother for Christmas to take the pressure of you but if he doesn't that is unfortunately his choice and there's not much you can do to change it.

OP, I think you need to focus on making plans with your husband and let MIL and BIL sort their own plans out. If you wish to include them, communicate that to them. If not, just let them know in advance that you guys have other plans for the holiday and won’t be available for a visit. If what you really want for Mother’s Day is for your DH to take you and your DC to visit your grandma, tell him. Ask him if he can take MIL out the day before.

BIL may be selfish or he may have a good reason for not visiting. We will never know for sure. We never do visits to anyone on the actual holidays. For the relatives we have good relationships with, we make arrangements to celebrate on another day. We focus our celebrations on our nuclear family and have developed our own traditions for what we do on those days. We have a lot of relatives that people think are absolutely lovely and they can’t understand why we don’t want to spend our holidays with them. The thing is, these relatives have treated us terribly, so we have chosen not to waste our holidays on them.

This is a bit of a sad post. No he doesn't have to see her but unless there is some awful back story I think most would hope he would and surely most siblings would hope to share the load. I can see why you are fed up OP but can also see where husband is coming from too. I would hope he will do cooking etc on Sunday for his mum.

Could she not visit him if she chose? Either way you can only control what you do, not what anyone else does.

You can’t have your life revolve around one person. If you can’t see her on a special day, explain that you will be away, and get MIL to ask BIL to visit. If he says no he will look like an arse. And that’s on him not you.

a decision by yourself and your husband to spend alternate holidays with his mother is completely independent of any choices the brother may make. You can’t control the brother’s plans, you can only make decisions for yourselves.

Your BIL can do what he likes, no one is obligated to see anyone on any day. Go on holiday at Xmas if you want to, as planned. As for you thinking your husband can just tell BIL to step up. Seriously? I’d tell you both to stop interfering. Work out what you’re prepared to do and leave others to do the same.

And your MIL is an adult, if I was MIL and thought my kids and partners were discussing ‘who does/doesn’t get me this time’, I’d be really annoyed.