Ukraine refugee too reliant on me?

[Southerngirl99]

I’ve hosted a female in her 50’s from Ukraine for almost a year, she doesn’t speak English and hasn’t made much effort to learn, she relies on me to do everything for her, almost like a PA.

We’ve given her notice to leave soon and helped her onto local housing list etc etc.

the local council want her to attend a meeting and because they know I’m exhausted with it all after 10 months they’ve liaised directly with her for the first time to arrange meeting for tomorrow, they’ve told me not to attend and to get her to make her own way there, as when she lives independently from me she will have to do this anyway.

she’s very stressed about going to a new area of town on her own (she catches the bus everyday to work and back) and says she doesn’t know what to say and can I tell her what to say in the meeting.

so my dilemma

am I being unreasonable letting her manage for herself? Or should I be giving her a lift and waiting outside the venue so she feels less stressed?

She is 50+. I agree she shouldn't be relying for the OP to be at her back and call but I don't think she will ever be able to acquire sufficient language skills to navigate (more or less) successfully and independently in life. Or get a good well paid job.
Younger Ukrainian refugees (20s or early 30s) yes sure, but the old you get the more impossible it becomes to learn a language. I see it all the time...
I'm not a native speaker and grasped the language pretty quickly when I came to the UK. After 6 months of being here I was able to communicate my needs pretty efficiently. My grammar sucked (still does sometimes) but I was able to get around without relying on anyone's help. But I was 23.
I really don't know what will happen to all these middle aged Ukrainian refugees and I feel for them.

See this would make my blood boil because it's everything we are usually told isn't the case with refugees. And here we have a prime example of why people who can't even get on the housing register are so upset. When I think how many years it takes for British citizens to get on the local authority housing list and how long they have to wait for a home this really does seem utterly ungrateful.

I can well imagine she's traumatised and depressed and in freeze mode but you don't have much in the way of options here. Either you continue to look after her, in which case this could go on for ages (she might well manipulate you out of making her go and stay elsewhere) or you get tough. It's tough love, really. She's in an extremely shit position but she has little choice.

Now is the time to get moving with creating a different life for herself. I agree she should go to this appointment alone. Don't be tempted to help her, it's not actually helpful, it's enabling her to not move forward which might well feel safest for her but it's a slippery slope down to her mental health getting really bad. Be sympathetic but firm. She will cope and she will feel proud she managed if she does this alone. It's all very well refusing to meet with people and refusing houses, but she has to. She will feel low if she doesn't mix with others, that's totally normal. She needs her own place to take pride in and make her own home, even if she moves back to Ukraine eventually. We are going into spring, it's a nice time to move and settle somewhere and start getting herself out. It will be extremely hard for her and I feel so much for everyone in this position but that's life isn't it? No one can change the fact her country is being attacked. She has already had months of your amazing support, I'm sure in time she'll look back and be so grateful.

I'm sorry you are in this position but please don't allow your sympathy for her to act in a way that in the long run holds her back.

It isn't easy being a migrant. However, that cannot mean you have to share your home forever with somebody who points at Google translate rather than doing it herself. When have you given her notice to move out? I hope it's a specific date, it'll give her a focus and less time to brood is probably good.

I'd maybe drop her off. But then leave to find her own way home.

😂

She's very lucky to have you. I know firsthand how hard hosting can be, we've been hosting a family of 5 for the past 11 months. They're lovely, but we're struggling with the lack of privacy/space (as are they, I'm sure) and their moving on expectations aren't in line with the reality of the UK housing market. They've point-blank refused private rental (too expensive) and want social housing, but the number of 3-bed properties is really tiny in our wider area.

We've been clear from the start that 1 year is our max for hosting (we have close friends coming from NZ in May to stay with us) but I can't see how they'll be out by then unless they go into temporary housing (which the council have told us will be a B&B).

The UK housing situation is completely different to that of Ukraine pre-war, and the complexity is a lot to grasp all in one go - your guest talking through options with the council might be really helpful (and they can tell her what priority banding she's on re: the social housing list - if it's below a B she's got basically no chance of social housing and needs to get a private rental). You may be asked to write a letter confirming you will be evicting her from x date, as that will move her up the priority list (although realistically as a single adult with no dependents she's incredibly unlikely to ever get social housing - most likely a house share is her best bet).

Definitely focus on the end goal - getting her her own place - and decide what you'll do if the only option on eviction day is a B&B or hostel.

How did it go @Southerngirl99

Really tough situation. After 10 months in a different country I would expect people to be able to be independent - especially with a job and no caring responsibilities.

There might be mental health issues involved so good to encourage her to talk to her GP. Translation should be provided by GP practice.

In any case - regardless if it's mental health problems or a general reluctance to stand on her own two feet - you are unable to provide any further support and this includes accommodation. The Council will need to step in now and hopefully the lady manages to pull herself up on her bootstraps once she can't rely on you for support anymore.

So I took her to the meeting and waited outside then dropped her to work, she said it all went fine.

There is a very good possiblilty of a rematch with new host that lives near her work but she wont consider that at all - grrr, been advised by local council to show her who actually got the flats she bidon so she can see that the points she holds are nowhere near enough to be succesful in bidding - reallity check once again. Local council have been very supportive to me on the phone.

Unsurpisingly all the tears and feelings of loneliness and longing are long forgotten.

She told my husband shes not eaten for two days - why?? either eat or dont but dont look for freaking sympathy - the cupboards and fridge is full of food as always - such a martyr !

I do feel like I have another teeenage child on my hands.

Thank you for all your comments they really resonate with me and I feel validated in my exasperation lol

I agree with @Konfetka

OP, how come she arrived alone, while her family (mother, daughter and granddaughter) is still there?

I think we will never know the whole truth. She recently announce her partner of 10 years was dying of cancer but she didn’t see him when she visited family in January because he is with his wife!!

daughter is in 30s and been married 14 years and tbh I don’t think they have much of a relationship normally. Mum is mid 80s and living in a church due to bombing. Think mum didn’t approve of married partner so they have also been estranged.

I think when war broke out he went back to wife and family and that’s why she was homeless this could also explain why she’s helpless as he must of done everything for her.

Maybe give her a lift there so you know she'll turn up (because basically you want her out and this sounds like it's the quickest way to achieve it!) but she can make her own way home.

Tell her you can't tell her what to say because you don't know what questions they are going to ask her.
Again unless you want her moved ASAP and know a few things for her to say that will facilitate it (I.e. tell her to tell them she doesn't get on with you!).

Basically if it furthers your own aims help her out, if not don't feel obliged!

Give her a lift

OP says she gave a lift, it's only 5posts up.

I visited Ukraine alone in 2019 and was perfectly well able to use public transport, what an odd post.

The fact that she won’t change hosts makes me think she specifically likes you and your house. She doesn’t want anything else (except maybe properties she’ll never be eligible for).

I think the council need to be more blunt with her instead of putting the responsibility of explaining onto you. The UKs housing and council house lists must be really difficult for anyone to grasp, it’s going to take being stern even though it will feel awful. But you shouldn’t have to do it, the council should.

My friend had a very difficult lady, traumatized as she had come from a war zone and her husband had recently died. She was thrown out of English classes because she wouldn’t try. The council found her a flat near my friend’s mother so she can visit once a week . Her guest has done amazingly well living by herself and now manages her own money. My friend did everything for her but now she, despite not knowing any English, is coping well.

She's working so presumably doesn't have much time, she's over 50 so it's much harder to learn a new language. Government is not very forthcoming in providing language courses like in Germany for example. She's set in her ways. Age is a huge factor

It's been a year now...:-S

I am afraid you have to make her homeless. That is the only way you can move her on. It sounds harsh but my friend did this so her guest coukd get a council flat. They are still friends and my friend still helps with hospital appointments or Job seekers visits but the Ukrainian refugee in her 50s is now working and proud of her home.

Just seen a message added to day so thought I would give an update to close the story.

she moved out last April. I got her a flat (newly refurbished) in a charitable trust for ladies over a certain age! It’s beautiful. She says it’s too expensive! We met three times only since she left and first sentence contained the words universal credit which she thinks she she get even though she works!

only contacts us when something needs fixing.

had a flashback to how exhausted I was this time last year!

never again!

Was contemplating taking someone in last year. I didn't in the end. There seems to have been a few horror stories. Hopefully there were really positive stories too!

@Kokeshi123 You have had a few critical responses to your comment but I get it. When I was a very immature, lacking in confidence 20-year-old I wanted to travel and decided to travel (alone, as I didn't know anyone to ask to come too) through Europe for about a month by train, bus, etc and staying in youth hostels, rooms etc I knew not where. I told everyone (work and home) but was quite apprehensive and downright scared as departure date got nearer. I had to go as I had told everyone. I was incredibly green but managed the trip, survived a few hairy moments, met some lovely people and found out how to communicate with mime with people whose language I couldn't speak and realised at the end that I had now got enough confidence in myself to get through life like other people. It changed my life, doing something I doubted I could. Later I travelled a lot in Asia and also round Australia, across Canada etc). Unfortunately, the OP's guest, though much older than I was back then, seems to be afraid of making herself have a shot at being independent. I assume she can speak reasonable English, as she goes to work in this country and can communicate with her hosts.

I hear you. Our family moved out to another host family and only contact us when they want something as new hosts are not as "helpful" as us.

language has not progressed as they are no longer taking the English lessons provided , and child is no longer attending the activities we set up as we are no longer acting as taxi service and prompters.

Mum is still not working despite the fact we have said they cannot rent anywhere without extra income and despite putting them on council list they will , in all probability , not get a council house for years .

I am glad we did it and have many contacts with great Ukrainian families who have engaged and are independent and hard working. However it was so much hard work with this family , our full time work and their expectations and demands fuelled by social media .