Ukraine refugee too reliant on me?

[Southerngirl99]

I’ve hosted a female in her 50’s from Ukraine for almost a year, she doesn’t speak English and hasn’t made much effort to learn, she relies on me to do everything for her, almost like a PA.

We’ve given her notice to leave soon and helped her onto local housing list etc etc.

the local council want her to attend a meeting and because they know I’m exhausted with it all after 10 months they’ve liaised directly with her for the first time to arrange meeting for tomorrow, they’ve told me not to attend and to get her to make her own way there, as when she lives independently from me she will have to do this anyway.

she’s very stressed about going to a new area of town on her own (she catches the bus everyday to work and back) and says she doesn’t know what to say and can I tell her what to say in the meeting.

so my dilemma

am I being unreasonable letting her manage for herself? Or should I be giving her a lift and waiting outside the venue so she feels less stressed?

Sorry I wasnt clear when I say rejected I mean she refused to bid on them, nothings been offered as yet. One place was near a good bus route for her work - just 3 stops away but beacuse there was a small pathway through some trees she would not bid.

the total lack of foresight on central and local gvts part is now coming home to roost, hence why Gove has just increased the "thank you payment" to £600 a month in my area.

so this morning she is crying and shaking, she says its not about the meeting but becuase she has no enjoyment in life, feelings of longing and loneliness, I said I hope one day she can go back to Ukraine and she said there is nothing there for her (Mother, daughter, grandchildren!!!!)

So I caved and am going to take her and wait outside - no more tears.........

My own self employed business is suffering, i feel like crap and my only child gets married end of June which I would like to help more with but I am done - mentally exhausted.

And then my husband tells her not to worry as she has a secret weapon on her side - yes me! whoop bloody whoop.

And then my husband tells her not to worry as she has a secret weapon on her side - yes me! whoop bloody whoop.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Tell him to take her.

he is working this PM otherwise he would be taking her I can assure you - i think he was trying to flatter me and it failed big time lol

Are you for real?

She does sound quite depressed. While I’d agree with getting her to be independent I’d also suggest a GP appointment to explore this. She might be more proactive if she was less depressed.

Totally agree

Several rejected at that!!!

I’m also hosting a Ukrainian refugee and her daughter (toddler). I knew from the outset it would be unlikely for her to move on as getting a job that paid sufficient for her to rent and cover childcare would be unlikely. They also didn’t arrive until the end of the summer so I had other host’s experiences and advice to work with.

Thank you for everything you’ve done, and well done on making the next steps to ask her to move on. I think as a pp mentioned, she might be depressed, so perhaps a GP appointment and anti-depressants may help in the short term.

Is there a possibility of her daughter (grandchildren) coming to join her? Maybe you could encourage this angle, that she needs to be the front-runner and get everything setup so they can join her? Even if not, it would give her a bit of a focus for the time being.

I hope everything went well at the meeting and the council are able to reinforce the need to be a bit more self-sustaining and have offered some more integration options and help.

Ah I posted before I saw an update

None the less, if she is not bidding then she won't get anywhere will she.

Deep breaths OP

She'll be at the housing meeting and expected to bid herself in properties

If I were you, I'd stick to your notice date, housing team will find her temporary B&B accomodation if she doesn't sort herself out and bid on properties.

You've fallen into the role of being a mother / support worker to her and it's exhausting you. No one expected this level of support from you after nearly a year. First few months sure, but after then ... no

Keep reminding yourself that she isn't your responsibility, you've done your bit hosting her for as long as you have and it's up to her to get on with it now. She has support, housing will help her and staying in temporary accomodation May be her incentive to take the steps she needs to.

In the end, unless you want to support her indefinitely she needs to find a way to be independent.

It's not sustainable (or particularly sensible) for private individuals with no training to bear the burden of integrating refugees effectively. That is the huge failing of this scheme which was well intentioned but ultimately puts far too high a burden on hosts.

Your guest chose to come here, rather than another country and a year is enough time to acquire enough language to be confident getting around and start to build a life here. If she wants to stay for the remainder of her visa and you are not prepared to host for that period this - and other things - are going to be essential for her. It's hard and not a message that is easy to deliver, but it is necessary.

You've already done a lot. It's time for her to help herself. You can have all the compassion and empathy in the world for her situation but the kind thing to do is to encourage her to take these steps forward.

I speak as a host. I think only people who have been through this experience can really understand the mixture of guilt and frustration and obligation we all feel!

No, but I have often been in countries where I don’t speak the language and have been able to navigate my way on public transport.

Although I agree she could have done more to help herself. Think of all the trauma this poor woman has been through and what an impact it has had on her mh then add to that a language barrier no wonder she is struggling. Also nobody knows her history for all we know she could of suffered from agoraphobia or other mh issues in the past which makes dealing with something as simple as going to a meeting alone almost impossible

But im guessing you aren't suffering from any significant mh problems

@Untitledsquatboulder Perhaps because she actually is quite brave and resourceful?

Clearly not.

She has had a year to help herself in small ways. She is too reliant on you. You need to take their advice and let her find her way.

In retrospect when we started hosting we would have set more boundaries and tapered off support much quicker.
We did everything for them and , unfortunately , created a situation where they were very dependant and demanding of our time and resources , including childcare, doing homework with child etc. Everything was expected to be done by us immediately or at their convenience with no accomodation for us working full time and with other commitments.

Without doubt mum is depressed but is very selective over what help and support mechanisms she will use. Unfortunately the local Ukrainian support networks tend to reinforce the negative things going on and encourage dependency and demands .

These are adult people who have led their own lives independently . They have had much more help than other refugee groups by dint of having hosts. For your own sake and theirs you need to step back. It is difficult and you will feel guilty but doing it in a controlled way saves getting to a crisis and having a relationship break down in a catastrophic way . But they need to be an adult and make their own , good decisions . Almost certainly it will be more difficult than living in your home , at first , but part of their healing journey is taking up responsibilities once more and being captain of their own ship.

Just tell her they've asked for her to go along on her own.

This is really tough but you need to throw her in at the deep end. Otherwise the fear of doing it will keep holding her back. She needs to come up with coping/communication strategies that work for her. She needs to be 'forced' to speak in English in a variety of situations without you there to hold her hand, otherwise she will always rely on you to step in when there is a problem. Having lived abroad I know the fear feeling you get when you have to go stuff like this - but the only way through it is to take a big breath, put big girl pants on, and try to forget about making mistakes and just go for it!!!!

You have been very generous to host her, but it seems she hasn't made efforts to be independent
I hope at the meeting, the LA will see how dependent she has been and show her what progress they expect
It could be that she has lost motivation and confidence due to depression, which in her situation is understandable.
Perhaps consider accompanying her to a GP appointment too

I would be telling her that if no social housing is what she wants and not like the Ukraine, she knows where there are houses like the Ukraine ....in the Ukraine and they speak Ukraine there. happy days

Can you ring / email the LA and tell them she is having issues attending? Maybe they can do a zoom call? Sounds very frustrating and you sound like you are at the end 🔚 of your tether!

I think I would try to compromise - take her there to make sure she finds her way and gets there on time, but then leave her sort the meeting and get the bus home.

I don't imagine I'd be fluent, but after 10 months of living and working in another country I think I'd be pretty competent to get around and would be familiar enough with the language to be able to live independently. If you immerse yourself in another language for that length of time you can't help but pick up a lot of it.

I'm afraid you hosts are being taken for mugs. To survive the Soviet Union you had to be tough - and after the USSR things only got harder. Sounds like she's got you (and your husband) wrapped around her little finger, OP.