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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comment on body size..

68 replies

mishthecatfish · 14/03/2023 23:57

A woman who I do not know had seen my pics online and she asked if I was okay as she'd had an eating disorder when she was younger - she was implying I have one because I'm slim...

My issue is, I highly doubt that same person would ask an overweight woman if she was alright because of her size!

It's seems so much more socially acceptable to comment on slim women but it's really frowned on to comment on a larger person - in my opinion neither is okay!

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 15/03/2023 00:01

The same person might not ask an overweight person the same question, but plenty of others would have things to say. Are you seriously saying that fat and body shaming is taboo, if the person is large?

Original poster
mishthecatfish · 15/03/2023 00:06

What I am saying is that the amount of times in my life people have said 'you're too skinny' or 'you're very slim' - there is no way those people would ever say to my larger friend 'you're too fat'!

I am NOT saying it's taboo.
I am NOT saying it doesn't happen
What I am saying - that person who said that to me would no way say the same to someone who is overweight.

OP posts:
MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 15/03/2023 00:11

What I am saying - that person who said that to me would no way say the same to someone who is overweight.

That one, specific person might not.
But trust me. I've had far more comments about my size than my skinny friends. People often seem to assume that I'm greedy, lazy and/or too stupid to know about nutrition. None of which are true.

TBH I'd rather the caring "do you need help with an eating disorder" type comments than the looks of disgust.

SevenShortDays · 15/03/2023 00:14

If you don’t have an ED, then why do you care that a random has contacted you? Don’t you just ignore random messages from strangers online all the time?

Reidd · 15/03/2023 00:17

probably wouldn't have said it if you were overweight, but she looked at you and thought you looked like her current or old self.

maddening · 15/03/2023 00:21

No one should be commenting on anyone else's size, so yanbu that she and anyone else is out of order doing this to you.

However, if you are going to make this a fat vs slim debate (and it should not be - we are better together saying that commenting on any size is socially unacceptable outside of a healthcare setting by a medical professional or at the behest of the subject) then the fats win hands down in the amount of comments, nastiness of comments, poor treatment and often abuse, discrimination, socual shunning etc on grounds of their size compared to the thins.

But please don't make it fats v thins - we are all people worthy of respect whatever our size.

My2pence2day · 15/03/2023 00:23

Similarly when people comment on your height which I often do. It's so rude

Rainn21 · 15/03/2023 00:24

Have you seen the comments section of a fat persons social media recently? I can assure you many many many people think it’s appropriate to point out to them how fat they are

whatwhhat · 15/03/2023 00:25

It's not on to shame anyone on their body type but overweight people get a lot more of it, and a lot of jokes aimed their way.

I'm very skinny and have been asked if I had an eating disorder blah blah blah. I always think oh gawd if I did you have cured me by commenting, will you be funding the recovery program 🙄🙄🙄

...however I don't think it's anywhere near as bad as family and friends who are very overweight. Im also not conscious of eating in front of people or going on rides etc. when pregnant I once had a consultant say to me oh god I love the skinny mums, do you know how much harder it is to find your baby if you were fat and then laughed her head off. I don't think I suffered the same prejudice from her as the overweight mothers did!

SleepingStandingUp · 15/03/2023 00:27

mishthecatfish · 15/03/2023 00:06

What I am saying is that the amount of times in my life people have said 'you're too skinny' or 'you're very slim' - there is no way those people would ever say to my larger friend 'you're too fat'!

I am NOT saying it's taboo.
I am NOT saying it doesn't happen
What I am saying - that person who said that to me would no way say the same to someone who is overweight.

If we assume a healthy kid weight is a size 10. A person 3 sizes too big is a 16. Still average. A person 5 sizes too big is a 20, so def obese and heath issues but you probably wouldn't mention it as its still not "extreme".

Someone 3 sizes below a 10 is a 4 which is very slim. Someone 5 sizes below a 10 would presumably be in older kid sizes. It would look far more extreme that a 20.

If we day healthy is 9 stone, you can probably get up gain 10 stone and look clearly obese but still be mainly well. If you're 9 stone and you lose a couple of stone, it's going to be far more obvious

LuvSmallDogs · 15/03/2023 00:33

The norm is to be overweight now, so sometimes people get "concerned" over even vaguely slim people.

My mother has been going on about my weight for a while and is now worried about my essential medical treatment making me "lose weight you can't spare, you're sooo tiny!!"

I am towards the upper limit of a healthy BMI for my age and height. I'm not planning on it, but I could drop a stone and be in the healthy range. The way mum goes on you'd think I was skin and bone.

JudgeRudy · 15/03/2023 01:44

mishthecatfish · 14/03/2023 23:57

A woman who I do not know had seen my pics online and she asked if I was okay as she'd had an eating disorder when she was younger - she was implying I have one because I'm slim...

My issue is, I highly doubt that same person would ask an overweight woman if she was alright because of her size!

It's seems so much more socially acceptable to comment on slim women but it's really frowned on to comment on a larger person - in my opinion neither is okay!

I think some people are misunderstanding you OP. People will comment on other people's size either way, however it's not seen as so rude to call someone skinny as it is to call someone fat. Someone might deliberately call someone a lard arse or a gross cow but that's deliberately nasty. I'm not sure if they'd ask them why they eat, it'd be more focused on their looks.
I guess if you're underweight it more likely to be from an ED (in UK). If someone has an ED themselves they might feel they're helping however you would approach a stranger with say, acne and talk about how you managed your own horrendous skin.
People notice differences. Yours is you're naturally skinny. If you were black people might ask where you're really from. If you were tall you'll be asked what's the weather like. If you say you're Scotish someone might ask if you know Jimmy McTavish....hes from Glasgow too. Next time someone comments smile and ask "What made you say/ask that?" then just stare. When they say "I just meant, you know, your slim"...."Yes I do know thank you. I'm just not sure what your point is"
Hopefully the awkwardness will be a wake up call for that person....unfortunately they'll be 9 more in waiting.

Chias · 15/03/2023 02:46

Being thin is widely considered attractive in our society. Being fat isn’t. Models and celebrities are thin. That is why many people think it isn’t rude to comment on thinness.

BeggyMitchell · 15/03/2023 03:01

YADNBU.

GarlicGrace · 15/03/2023 03:01

You've really only had one of these comments - and from a stranger?
Back when I did have anorexia (in the Palaeolithic):
98% of people said "ohmagerd you're so slim, I'd love to be like you, how do you do it? (and on and on and on ...)"
2% of people said "christ you're so skinny, are you well, eat some food" ... but one of those was my Gran, who meant well, so we'll forgive her.
The other 1% said "it's worrying that you're so thin, have you heard of eating disorders? (intense head tilt)"
So I said "Yes, I have anorexia nervosa, have you heard of it? What did you want to say?"
... and then they'd usually go about how much they loved their food, so no different from the other 98% but with added pathologisation 🙄

But thank you for sharing your distress at being asked by one stranger. I'm sure you are marvellously slim and no doubt superbly toned & graceful.
Congratulations.

BottleSizedJenny · 15/03/2023 03:03

I’m sick of fatness being normalised when it shouldn’t be. Basically every other woman living in the 70’s would be “anorexic” by todays standards.
A C Cup used to be big, now because we’ve got so much fatter it’s normal.

People need to think about how they look

AllOfThemWitches · 15/03/2023 03:24

People will say anything on the internet..

HedwigIsMyDemon · 15/03/2023 05:20

Ah the “slim women have it so hard” story again 🙄.

I’ve been both very slim and very fat - I can absolutely assure you with every ounce of my being that the comments and judgment you get when fat is far far far worse then when you’re slim. Don’t ever kid yourself otherwise.

GoldilocksIsALittleSod · 15/03/2023 06:18

You have had one comment from one stranger online?
Most overweight women get comments from people far closer to home far more regularly than that.
We are treated like we are stupid (asked if we know that just eating less would be a miracle cure for our disgusting excess), told we are lazy (whilst working a full time job, a part time job and looking after two children) and in my case told 'all fat people smell' (I don't, I am meticulously clean and groomed because of attitudes like this)
I was even told whilst shopping for a wedding dress that I 'would be beautiful if I only lost the weight' by the woman fitting me for my dress!
So boo hoo OP, you know damn well that being slim in our society is not a millstone around your neck so stop with all the faux injustice about one comment.

Tinybrother · 15/03/2023 06:21

I agree that she shouldn’t have been so rude. You are wrong if you think that fat people don’t get comments from people all the time. No one should be making personal comments like that.

Tinybrother · 15/03/2023 06:23

BottleSizedJenny · 15/03/2023 03:03

I’m sick of fatness being normalised when it shouldn’t be. Basically every other woman living in the 70’s would be “anorexic” by todays standards.
A C Cup used to be big, now because we’ve got so much fatter it’s normal.

People need to think about how they look

Don’t worry, it’s not being normalised. Lots of people are making sure fat people feel the shame you believe they should. You can relax Smile

mamnotmum · 15/03/2023 06:28

It's soooooo rude!

You are right people never say 'you look fat' but often say 'you look skinny'. It isn't ok. I hate it.

Sometimes I think they believe 'you look skinny' is a compliment? And therefore it's ok.

Perhaps 'would you like to be skinny?' Is the best reply because it highlights that it's rude to have made the comment in the first place.

Tinybrother · 15/03/2023 06:30

“You are right people never say 'you look fat' but often say 'you look skinny'. It isn't ok. I hate it.”

I’ve been both. Currently skinny. People make comments either way because they are rude nitwits, but many more rude assumptions about your intelligence and abilities when you’re fat. It just isn’t true that people never say this to fat people.

Forgooodnesssakenow · 15/03/2023 06:32

mishthecatfish · 15/03/2023 00:06

What I am saying is that the amount of times in my life people have said 'you're too skinny' or 'you're very slim' - there is no way those people would ever say to my larger friend 'you're too fat'!

I am NOT saying it's taboo.
I am NOT saying it doesn't happen
What I am saying - that person who said that to me would no way say the same to someone who is overweight.

Plenty of other people would say plenty to someone about their weight though....

Have you tried slimming world I lost a stone there last year. Same sentiment! Something that happens regularly!

Magenta82 · 15/03/2023 06:43

BottleSizedJenny · 15/03/2023 03:03

I’m sick of fatness being normalised when it shouldn’t be. Basically every other woman living in the 70’s would be “anorexic” by todays standards.
A C Cup used to be big, now because we’ve got so much fatter it’s normal.

People need to think about how they look

I lost a lot of weight a few years back, the hardest adjustment was mental.

I couldn't understand why people were suddenly so nice to me. The person in front would hold the door for me instead of ignoring me, people I didn't know would smile at me rather than frown or ignore me. Staff in shops and restaurants were friendly and helpful. Frankly it felt creepy and uncomfortable, I wasn't behaving any differently and couldn't understand why other people were.

It turns out that that most people treat normal sized people like that all the time. The difference I had noticed was that nasty judgmental people like you had stopped being so fucking rude.

Fat people know how they look, they think about it all the time. How is it any of your business?