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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comment on body size..

68 replies

mishthecatfish · 14/03/2023 23:57

A woman who I do not know had seen my pics online and she asked if I was okay as she'd had an eating disorder when she was younger - she was implying I have one because I'm slim...

My issue is, I highly doubt that same person would ask an overweight woman if she was alright because of her size!

It's seems so much more socially acceptable to comment on slim women but it's really frowned on to comment on a larger person - in my opinion neither is okay!

OP posts:
CaroleSinger · 15/03/2023 19:52

Ask her if she's ok because you used to be ignorant when you were younger.

Original poster
mishthecatfish · 17/03/2023 02:55

@JudgeRudy

Yes, that's what I meant, it's not deemed as 'rude' if you're commenting on someone's slimness (cause they should be grateful they are slim)... It's not deemed rude asking them if they have an ED, or if they eat, or do they just eat lettuce... it IS frowned on and rightly so if a larger person is questioned. I didn't ask to be in 'society's accepted size' bracket - to be honest it counts for nothing when you have a face like a pigs arse anyway!

Why am I being so sensitive about you? I guess it's because I wouldn't ever speak to another human like that, and with women I want to raised them up and not make them feel like shit for being how they are. I wouldn't ever comment on another woman's figure, all women are gorgeous, whatever size, shape, colour ...... doesn't matter, individual beauty is all I see.

OP posts:
maddening · 17/03/2023 08:10

I agreed upthread that it is rude to comment on anyone else's body unless as part of medical assessment or at behest of the person in question - but yabu for making this fat vs thin. Fat people have it worse, it is seen as fine to comment and fat people are seen as deserving of it, but it is not fine to comment on anyone's body and that is the social norm that we should be aiming for.

So if you had said it was wrong for comment you had received then it would have been a reaounsing yanbu - but you brought in fat people and in doing so made it fat vs thin.

Member869894 · 17/03/2023 08:20

As a fat person I do tell skinny people that they are skinny which I mean as a compliment. Ive never thought if it as offensive but I will be mindful of it in future

Magenta82 · 17/03/2023 09:35

maddening · 17/03/2023 08:10

I agreed upthread that it is rude to comment on anyone else's body unless as part of medical assessment or at behest of the person in question - but yabu for making this fat vs thin. Fat people have it worse, it is seen as fine to comment and fat people are seen as deserving of it, but it is not fine to comment on anyone's body and that is the social norm that we should be aiming for.

So if you had said it was wrong for comment you had received then it would have been a reaounsing yanbu - but you brought in fat people and in doing so made it fat vs thin.

This.
It is rude to comment on anyone's body, no matter what size they are.
However I would bet more than I can reasonably afford that the OP gets far fewer negative comments then I did when my BMI was 58.

Sartre · 17/03/2023 09:43

It’s because the average size is obese. It isn’t possible to be a size 16 and a healthy weight yet that’s the average dress size for a UK woman now with the average height only 5 ft 3.

I’m 5 ft 7 and a size 10. I have been a size 16 before and I was about 4 stone overweight so if I was 4 stone overweight as the average dress size then a woman of average height must be 6 stone+ overweight. Therefore women who are an actual normal healthy weight are seen as being very slim when in reality, that’s just the natural healthy size for a human being.

WandaWonder · 17/03/2023 09:55

I have hear people complain when they lose a lot of weight no one comments, yet we are also told we shouldn't comment on peoples bodies

Maybe be happy with your self and not be bothered what others think?

maddening · 17/03/2023 10:03

Sartre · 17/03/2023 09:43

It’s because the average size is obese. It isn’t possible to be a size 16 and a healthy weight yet that’s the average dress size for a UK woman now with the average height only 5 ft 3.

I’m 5 ft 7 and a size 10. I have been a size 16 before and I was about 4 stone overweight so if I was 4 stone overweight as the average dress size then a woman of average height must be 6 stone+ overweight. Therefore women who are an actual normal healthy weight are seen as being very slim when in reality, that’s just the natural healthy size for a human being.

That may be but unless you are a medical professional providing medical care to an obese person, or the obese person has sought your opinion it is non of your business and you would be rude to comment.

JudgeRudy · 17/03/2023 13:04

Member869894 · 17/03/2023 08:20

As a fat person I do tell skinny people that they are skinny which I mean as a compliment. Ive never thought if it as offensive but I will be mindful of it in future

@mishthecatfish I don't feel labelling someone as skinny is a complement. I feel it indicates you are underweight. Id say Celine Dion is skinny. To me 'slim' denotes someone in within the healthy fat range, so 'just right'. I'd call Jennifer Aniston. Of course there are different body types/shapes and we all have different preferences.
If someone described my toddler as bonny I would probably take that OK. If someone described me a 'bonny' I'd think they meant nice enough face but plump. Plump/bonny is the oposite counterpart to skinny.
I guess it's useful to remember the same word describes different things to different people. I would not want to be short or little. My friend describes herself as petite and seems to like being her size. I'd describe her a dumpy!

SeasonFinale · 17/03/2023 13:07

mishthecatfish · 15/03/2023 00:06

What I am saying is that the amount of times in my life people have said 'you're too skinny' or 'you're very slim' - there is no way those people would ever say to my larger friend 'you're too fat'!

I am NOT saying it's taboo.
I am NOT saying it doesn't happen
What I am saying - that person who said that to me would no way say the same to someone who is overweight.

Believe me - people do...

Dillydollydingdong · 17/03/2023 13:09

I'd take it as a compliment, not be offended by it.

Tinybrother · 17/03/2023 13:19

Sartre · 17/03/2023 09:43

It’s because the average size is obese. It isn’t possible to be a size 16 and a healthy weight yet that’s the average dress size for a UK woman now with the average height only 5 ft 3.

I’m 5 ft 7 and a size 10. I have been a size 16 before and I was about 4 stone overweight so if I was 4 stone overweight as the average dress size then a woman of average height must be 6 stone+ overweight. Therefore women who are an actual normal healthy weight are seen as being very slim when in reality, that’s just the natural healthy size for a human being.

What’s that got to do with this thread?

spelunky · 17/03/2023 13:22

mishthecatfish · 17/03/2023 02:55

@JudgeRudy

Yes, that's what I meant, it's not deemed as 'rude' if you're commenting on someone's slimness (cause they should be grateful they are slim)... It's not deemed rude asking them if they have an ED, or if they eat, or do they just eat lettuce... it IS frowned on and rightly so if a larger person is questioned. I didn't ask to be in 'society's accepted size' bracket - to be honest it counts for nothing when you have a face like a pigs arse anyway!

Why am I being so sensitive about you? I guess it's because I wouldn't ever speak to another human like that, and with women I want to raised them up and not make them feel like shit for being how they are. I wouldn't ever comment on another woman's figure, all women are gorgeous, whatever size, shape, colour ...... doesn't matter, individual beauty is all I see.

Overweight people don't exactly have it easy - they receive other kinds of comments which are hurtful.

So I don't think pointing out what you think may or may not be said to an overweight person is helpful to what I think you are trying to say. The comparison isn't necessary.

You are right that comments of any kind on body size are crass and rude. I've never understood why people feel the need to say anything at all.

spelunky · 17/03/2023 13:28

Sartre · 17/03/2023 09:43

It’s because the average size is obese. It isn’t possible to be a size 16 and a healthy weight yet that’s the average dress size for a UK woman now with the average height only 5 ft 3.

I’m 5 ft 7 and a size 10. I have been a size 16 before and I was about 4 stone overweight so if I was 4 stone overweight as the average dress size then a woman of average height must be 6 stone+ overweight. Therefore women who are an actual normal healthy weight are seen as being very slim when in reality, that’s just the natural healthy size for a human being.

Someone who is 5 foot 3 would not need to be 6 stone overweight to be a size 16.

When I was a size 16 I was about two stone overweight.

People carry it very differently.

But yes, you are right that a 16 is the average dress size in the UK and it is definitely overweight - I think we are now at a point where there are more people overweight than a healthy weight, which is an unsettling thought. Some people don't know what 'healthy' looks like.

Whyisitsososohard · 17/03/2023 13:37

I honestly can't belive anyone would genuinely think it's more acceptable to comment on a large body than a slim one. You must have never lived in a fat body, or like been out in the world.

It's totally unacceptable to comment on body size. But your prejudice is showing through the fact you've needlessly and irrelevantly brought bigger bodies into this. There's no comparison needed. It's also a terrible inaccurate comparisons BTW.

Why not just say you find this unacceptable to comment on body size?

Tinybrother · 17/03/2023 15:16

spelunky · 17/03/2023 13:28

Someone who is 5 foot 3 would not need to be 6 stone overweight to be a size 16.

When I was a size 16 I was about two stone overweight.

People carry it very differently.

But yes, you are right that a 16 is the average dress size in the UK and it is definitely overweight - I think we are now at a point where there are more people overweight than a healthy weight, which is an unsettling thought. Some people don't know what 'healthy' looks like.

Show quote history

But what has that got to do with commenting on people’s weight, whether they are slim or overweight?

Tinybrother · 17/03/2023 15:36

In the context of commenting on people’s bodies to their faces, handwringing about whether there are more overweight people than not in the U.K. is neither here nor there. Unless you think people should feel able to comment on people being overweight to their faces. perhaps you think it’s appropriate for them to feel ashamed, and an effective way to get them to lose weight? Many people do, that’s not a niche view

Redruby2020 · 17/03/2023 16:19

No way I have been big all my life, and society thinks they were put on this earth to look/state/comment/snigger/or those who are gobby clearly with some issues shout things out.

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