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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you stop worrying when your children become adults!

121 replies

MancMamof1 · 14/03/2023 21:00

Because I can't and I know it is ridiculous.
My dd is 19 and does have autism but she is independent and works some evenings and weekends and I worry!
I hate the idea of her on the bus station alone at night especially because she still is fairly vulnerable and can be waiting an hour for the bus.
Often she will get chatting in the staffroom to her manager meaning if she was due home at 6pm she does not get home until 8pm and by that time I am worrying even more.
She does not want to be texting me to tell me where she is at 19 which I fully accept and I know I am being ridiculous.

Do you all just worry? Does it stop?😳

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 15/03/2023 07:34

Pennyplant19 · 14/03/2023 21:03

You don't!

Agree. Mine is in her 40s and I still worry but try not to let it show.

EveSix · 15/03/2023 07:35

Flowers Random

JustDanceAddict · 15/03/2023 07:36

You don’t!! They say bigger kids, bigger problems & it’s true. I think there’s more at stake when they’re older like life choices (uni/work etc), relationships issues (or no relationship), independent travelling (I tend to worry more about dd although ds is the one who was confronted by someone out for his phone).
I hide a lot of my worry from them - dd is at uni and gets up to all sorts and all I can hope is that she stays safe. We message a fair bit!

Random789 · 15/03/2023 07:36

That's really good, @mrsjackrussell . I hope this thread doesn't make you feel bad about that. I can remember when my children started school and other mums were saying how much they missed their kids now that they were at school. I was just thinking how fabulous it was to have some time apart each day and to know that other adults had the responsibility for nurturing them and keeing them safe. But I felt a bit guilty and ashamed about that because of what the other mums were saying.
It is good, not abnormal or selfish, to be able to let go a bit.

freckles20 · 15/03/2023 07:42

Random789 · 15/03/2023 07:29

I still worry, and my son is 24. I worry about accidents and so on, but mostly I worry about the possibility of him being unhappy, or becoming unhappy. In particular that means I fret about his career and relationships.
It is a problem because I feel anxious when I talk to him, and worried that the anxiety will corrode our conversations and relationships.Sometimes I feel that I would rather not talk to him at all, so that I mildly dread phonecalls.

In fact, he seems to be really solid, to have a great attitide, a great bunch of friends and a sunny outlook. But his older brother killed himself. I don't think I will ever feel joyful and relaxed in relatino to my surviving son.

@Random789 I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you and your family.

I can see the knock on affect that this is bound to cause in terms of worrying about your younger DS, and that you feel cautious about allowing him to sense this when you speak with him 💐.

freckles20 · 15/03/2023 07:45

MarquessofPembroke · 15/03/2023 06:09

I do not know whether to find it reassuring that I am normal and almost everyone else is also worrying or to be gutted that it is not going to stop for the rest of her and then any future children's lives

I don't think "almost everyone else" is worrying to such a large degree. Just the small sample who've responded. And neuroticism breeds neuroticism, so more extreme worriers are going to join in.

And 24 hour media is always there to remind us that Bad Things Happen. And MSM and social media are always banging on about mental health, making us scared of normal emotions.

I'm not preaching as I'm having to do some work on myself as DD18 is going through exam stress, relationship issues, going out at night, preparing to leave for uni. All perfectly normal things and it's my job to show her how not to catastrophise and that she can cope. And so can I 🙂

@MarquessofPembroke what kind of work will you do to keep your worries in check.

I realise that much of my worry is pointless and unhelpful, but it feels impossible to control. In oI'd be interested in learning more about how I might get it under control.

freckles20 · 15/03/2023 07:47

@MarquessofPembroke, apologies. I pressed post too soon.

I'd be interested in learning about how to get it under control and more logical, especially as in other areas of life I'm relatively good at not being a worrier.

Fuwari · 15/03/2023 07:48

I worry about them worrying! My two are in their 30s and can be somewhat prone to catastrophising (both are neurodiverse). So generally any problems are more about me trying to talk them down and put things into perspective. They are both on a good path in life so I’m not really worried in that regard. I would just like to see them get less stressed for their own sakes!

I think I did worry more when they were teens/early 20s and would be out late at night etc, but I think that’s pretty normal. There comes a point in life where you stop waiting up for them and just go to bed. I don’t worry about illness/accidents things like that as I don’t think you can spend your life worrying about these things.

Random789 · 15/03/2023 07:49

Thank you very much, EveSix and Freckles20. Sometimes I think I sould have a proper conversation with him about some of the events around my older son's death, and about my own mental health. But I've always 'protected' him by keeping things back from him. And I think that creates horrible gaps and tensions when I talk to him or think about him. I feel I need some sort of reset, because he must sense my reserve and that must make him think, on his side too, that he can't be open in certain areas.

Original poster
MancMamof1 · 15/03/2023 07:50

Random789 · 15/03/2023 07:36

That's really good, @mrsjackrussell . I hope this thread doesn't make you feel bad about that. I can remember when my children started school and other mums were saying how much they missed their kids now that they were at school. I was just thinking how fabulous it was to have some time apart each day and to know that other adults had the responsibility for nurturing them and keeing them safe. But I felt a bit guilty and ashamed about that because of what the other mums were saying.
It is good, not abnormal or selfish, to be able to let go a bit.

I definitely felt like this when my daughter went to school. She was ready to go and I was glad of a break too.

OP posts:
Salverus · 15/03/2023 07:51

I worry much more now they are older! They now drive a long way, have relationships, one has a stressful job. Proper adult things to worry about.

Original poster
MancMamof1 · 15/03/2023 07:51

Sending love to you Random too

OP posts:
FruitBadger · 15/03/2023 07:51

My Mother was in her 60s with a neurological condition. Her mother, my Grandmother in her 90s, always wanted to know how she really was when we visited her in her residential home. She said herself that my Mum was her baby and she'd never stop worrying 😊

freckles20 · 15/03/2023 07:58

Random789 · 15/03/2023 07:49

Thank you very much, EveSix and Freckles20. Sometimes I think I sould have a proper conversation with him about some of the events around my older son's death, and about my own mental health. But I've always 'protected' him by keeping things back from him. And I think that creates horrible gaps and tensions when I talk to him or think about him. I feel I need some sort of reset, because he must sense my reserve and that must make him think, on his side too, that he can't be open in certain areas.

@Random789. It sounds like a really really hard situation to navigate for so many reasons.

I think that in most areas of life it is beneficial to be open and honest about our thoughts and feelings. But the parent child dynamic is one where this feels more complicated to me- I can see why it's hard to show your vulnerability to your son as you want to show up as his strong supportive mum.

Apologies if this sounds patronising but I wondered if you'd ever spoken with anyone from Papyrus about this? I haven't lost a child but came close and found them to be absolutely invaluable to talk to simply because they seemed to understand in a way that no one else could. Being able to talk helped me a great deal, and they also offered some advice which felt very helpful.

HeadNorth · 15/03/2023 08:02

As others have said, you don't. My children are adults and left home, but I have all the worry about their relationships, job changes and as you say, personal safety when they work, socialise and live their lives. I'm sure at some point there will be grandchildren to add to my worry pot.

My DH (their dad) loves his children very much, but does not worry and fret about them like I do. But then, it is me they come to with their problems - but also their triumphs - I am lucky to be close to both of them.

There is no solution, we have lost a child so I don't have the safety net of 'it won't happen to me' because it has and could again. Being a mum has put years on me, huge amounts of stress and given me enormous richness and joy. It's the price we pay for love, I guess.

MarquessofPembroke · 15/03/2023 08:06

@freckles20 I'm at work now but will discuss later!

HeadNorth · 15/03/2023 08:08

@Random789 I've just read you post and wanted to send my support. My son died suddenly when he was a year old in complex circumstances. It is a very different situation but I do relate to the difficulties of how you navigate this with your other children as they grow up. The need to provide the solid bedrock of support while not minimising the huge gap. It is so hard. Sadly, I don't have any answers and we have just muddled along, I never wanted counselling. My surviving children are wonderful adults so I hope I have not got it too wrong.

CurlewKate · 15/03/2023 08:14

This won't help, sorry. But I remember my mother, then in her 80s, worrying that my brother, in his early 60s who had become a little forgetful, was developing dementia.....

RosaBonheur · 15/03/2023 08:17

My kids are still tiny but I assume you never stop worrying about them.

At the age mine are now, I can't do much to prevent us from being in a car accident, or something happening when they are at nursery, but the rest of the time when they are with me I can be there all the time supervising them. I won't be able to do that when they're driving, off at university etc.

premicrois · 15/03/2023 08:23

I'm surprised too see so many replies from parents who still worry about adult DC. The impression I got from mumsnet is that parents start to distance themselves from their children by the time they are 9 (for independence reasons Confused) and they fight their way through the teens and chuck them out at 18 if they dare to think for themselves and just crack on with their own lives without giving their DC a second thought!

One of mine has recently moved to the city and I still worry about her getting home from work, especially if on late shifts. It never leaves you.

That's the sign of being a good parent and a good person imo.

LobeliaBaggins · 15/03/2023 08:28

My parents worried a lot less about me because
There were no mobile phones or WhatsApp or Internet
no such thing as mental health. If we were sad we got on with it instead of telling our parents
Less crime
Easier to get on the property ladder and get a job etc etc

So sorry to the poster who lost a child

onepieceoflollipop · 15/03/2023 08:40

@Random789 so sorry for your loss

@LobeliaBaggins Totally agree re your point about their being no mobiles etc.
However - there certainly was such a thing as mental health. I have worked in this field for 30+ years and nursed many hundreds of young people and adults. It may not have been recognised in the same way and in some ways, mental illness was harder as it wasn’t understood as much. Even 30 years ago attitudes may have been different but there were still people (many of them young) with psychosis, depression and so on.

yes, absolutely if people were sad I’m sure they got on with it, but if they were clinically depressed they probably couldn’t and their parents would worry I’m sure.

premicrois · 15/03/2023 08:43

no such thing as mental health. If we were sad we got on with it instead of telling our parents

Yeah, that didn't really work out for so many.

Having mental health problems isn't the same as being 'sad'.

People suffered trauma because there was no support for their mental health, just be due it wasn't talked about doesn't mean there was 'no such thing'

I think you either worry or you don't and those who worry would have worried pre mobile phone etc too.

LobeliaBaggins · 15/03/2023 08:47

Obviously I was being a bit flippant. But it hadn't got to the point where literally every young adult is apparently anxious and has mh problems, and expects their parents to fix these.

Oh also we didn't know what we know about climate change.

purpledalmation · 15/03/2023 09:10

You don't. You take each day as it comes and hope.