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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you stop worrying when your children become adults!

121 replies

MancMamof1 · 14/03/2023 21:00

Because I can't and I know it is ridiculous.
My dd is 19 and does have autism but she is independent and works some evenings and weekends and I worry!
I hate the idea of her on the bus station alone at night especially because she still is fairly vulnerable and can be waiting an hour for the bus.
Often she will get chatting in the staffroom to her manager meaning if she was due home at 6pm she does not get home until 8pm and by that time I am worrying even more.
She does not want to be texting me to tell me where she is at 19 which I fully accept and I know I am being ridiculous.

Do you all just worry? Does it stop?😳

OP posts:
justasking111 · 14/03/2023 23:14

fiftiesmum · 14/03/2023 22:14

It never stops - plus there is the added worry of partners and the next generation.
DD says the day I stop worrying about them all is the day they have to start writing about me.

Yep the circle of family to worry about just grows. I have 11 to worry about now 🙈

saraclara · 14/03/2023 23:31

I don't worry about the things you worry about, OP, but I do worry a lot about other things - more the emotional well-being stuff than safety.

I hate anything in their life that makes them unhappy or stressed, or make their future insecure. I want to fix things for them and I can't. It's the most difficult stage of motherhood for me. Their childhood and teens were easier on me than their adulthood (they're both mid 30s). It's really hard not to interfere, and to hide ones concern, when you can see things going wrong for them.

Original poster
MancMamof1 · 14/03/2023 23:31

WOW! I was not expecting so many replies but thank you!
I do not know whether to find it reassuring that I am normal and almost everyone else is also worrying or to be gutted that it is not going to stop for the rest of her and then any future children's lives. Great ha!
To those saying why do I not go and pick her up from work. I do not drive due to medical reasons and due to the bus times at night I would struggle to get to her to meet her. Not so very long ago when she was working at a different venue I did sit in the pub nearby and wait for her as it was later and she would have had to walk through an unfamiliar area at night.
Her boss does try to bring her home in the car on late nights as much as they can so I am not sure she would be happy if she had to tell her boss she could not have a 10 minute lift in a warm car because I had made my way to meet her.

OP posts:
Original poster
MancMamof1 · 14/03/2023 23:35

x2boys · 14/03/2023 21:30

I don't think you ever do.as a parent ,I'm 50 this year my nearly 81 year old parents still.worry about me and my 51 year old sister and now they also.worry about my two boys and my sister's two sons toI
my 16 year old son h is currently in hospital having been through a life threatening condition( thank God he's on the mend now ) I have never been so scared ,I honestly wished it was me that was ill instead of him it's all part of being a parent .

Wishing your son the very best x2boys

OP posts:
HamBone · 15/03/2023 00:17

saraclara · 14/03/2023 23:31

I don't worry about the things you worry about, OP, but I do worry a lot about other things - more the emotional well-being stuff than safety.

I hate anything in their life that makes them unhappy or stressed, or make their future insecure. I want to fix things for them and I can't. It's the most difficult stage of motherhood for me. Their childhood and teens were easier on me than their adulthood (they're both mid 30s). It's really hard not to interfere, and to hide ones concern, when you can see things going wrong for them.

I can understand, @saraclara but I’m also surprised, because our parents (DH and mine) had no idea about our worries and concerns by our 30’s. Perhaps that’s unusual and mine will. 🤷

HamBone · 15/03/2023 00:19

*continue to share worries and concerns with me, that is.

Pallisers · 15/03/2023 00:29

When my older sister was born my dad told his manager at work. He said "ah, a baby. you'll never sleep easy again" That's about it really.

threeplusmum · 15/03/2023 00:49

You don't. My mum still worries about me and my siblings even tho we are 30+ it just comes with the territory.

freckles20 · 15/03/2023 00:50

LobeliaBaggins · 14/03/2023 21:07

You don't. This is what I find most difficult. I will never be at peace.

Exactly this @LobeliaBaggins.

The absence of peace is the hardest bit for me.

DS is 16 and I've had periods of major worry over the years especially when he had a tricky time with poor mental health.

I can see that the worry won't ever ease up enough for me to be at peace.

I'm determined to help him fly when he's ready, not to create expectations, to let him know he's absolutely perfect just as he is and he should follow his own path. AKA keep my mouth shut, don't interfere, don't ask questions and worry silently, secretly and constantly!

Mentalpiece · 15/03/2023 04:45

Short answer....you don't.
Mine are in their thirties and married with their own kids, and I still worry about them.
From the day they're born till the day I die, I'll worry about them.

Zebedee55 · 15/03/2023 04:48

You never stop worrying - my ACs are mid 40's. One lives in America, but the pair of them are always batting across the Atlantic visiting family and each other.

I make them give me the flight details, and track the flights...😬

I worry about my adult GCs - but you just have to keep quiet and let them be themselves.

So, I just smile, and then sit worrying quietly lol 😉

Phoebo · 15/03/2023 05:31

Not sure you do, my Dad still worries about me (even though he has no reason to) I'm over 40 with a child of my own!

merrymelodies · 15/03/2023 05:36

I'm grateful to all of you who admit to worrying! My DD is 22 and still lives at home (she has epilepsy) and even though she lives a fairly normal life, I worry about her constantly. It's hard, impossible even, not to.😕

openingbat · 15/03/2023 05:42

You don't really.

Eldest has lived away since uni, has her own house etc. I worry about whether she's had her boiler serviced, if she's stressed at work, is she's happy In her relationship. All pointless as I have no control over it!

Tiggy321 · 15/03/2023 05:47

I don't think you ever stop worrying. My 19 yr old is travelling alone in Asia. If I don't hear from him for 24 hrs I panic and imagine death, murder, injury etc !! Need to keep myself in check. We love them, therefore we worry. My mum says she still worries about me and I am 51!!

Ffsmakeitstop · 15/03/2023 05:59

My dd recently moved into her own home and if my phone goes my first thought is always "omg what's wrong" usually nothing. She did have a boiler issue and managed to sort by herself and I had to realise she is a very resourceful grown woman. She's 33 😂.
She came for tea on Sunday and it was snowing quite heavily when she left and both DH and I said to text when she got home. I started laughing and said to him you do realise she's been driving nearly 17 years. So no you never stop worrying.

Londonnight · 15/03/2023 06:03

I don't think you ever stop worrying to some extent. Mine are in their 40's and younger one in their 20's, I still worry about them. Not to the extent that I did when they were younger, but you worry all the same.

I am on my 60's and my parents still worry about me :)

MarquessofPembroke · 15/03/2023 06:09

I do not know whether to find it reassuring that I am normal and almost everyone else is also worrying or to be gutted that it is not going to stop for the rest of her and then any future children's lives

I don't think "almost everyone else" is worrying to such a large degree. Just the small sample who've responded. And neuroticism breeds neuroticism, so more extreme worriers are going to join in.

And 24 hour media is always there to remind us that Bad Things Happen. And MSM and social media are always banging on about mental health, making us scared of normal emotions.

I'm not preaching as I'm having to do some work on myself as DD18 is going through exam stress, relationship issues, going out at night, preparing to leave for uni. All perfectly normal things and it's my job to show her how not to catastrophise and that she can cope. And so can I 🙂

Yirk · 15/03/2023 06:18

I double worry now about my children and grandchildren!
Don't think you ever stop worrying about those you love.

tootiredtospeak · 15/03/2023 06:44

This is me mine works nights 4 days a week and drives and I cannot settle till he is back normally about 11 but it has been as late as 1 or 2 and I am petrified as his is ASD but HF so does a lot but is still vunerable. I know in my heart this is all I ever wanted for him to get out into the world instead of being isolated but its soooooo hard. I go away in 3 weeks and he wants to stay here alone. It's only 3 days but he has never been able before and I am really nervous.

rainbowstardrops · 15/03/2023 07:12

I don't think I'll ever stop worrying to be honest!

My DS is back home now but was about five hours away at uni. That was hard!

I worry about him travelling (I had a major car crash when I was a similar age to him).

I worry about him walking around from his girlfriend's late at night. I worry when he goes out into town clubbing etc in case he gets caught up in anything. He's nearly 23!

My DD turns 18 soon and don't even get me started how anxious I am about her out and about drinking in town!

Whatthediddlyfeck · 15/03/2023 07:22

I remember when my eldest was tiny and I was totally sleep deprived, I was wailing to a friend with older kids “when does it get easier” and she said she hated to break it to me but it didn’t, it just got different.

I think worrying is much the same. Mine are 25 and 20 now, and as others have said you do worry a bit about how they are financially and if work is ok and stuff like that, but it’s different from the absolute gnawing worry you have when they’re in their teens and taking the massive leaps into independence and the unknown.

Random789 · 15/03/2023 07:29

I still worry, and my son is 24. I worry about accidents and so on, but mostly I worry about the possibility of him being unhappy, or becoming unhappy. In particular that means I fret about his career and relationships.
It is a problem because I feel anxious when I talk to him, and worried that the anxiety will corrode our conversations and relationships.Sometimes I feel that I would rather not talk to him at all, so that I mildly dread phonecalls.

In fact, he seems to be really solid, to have a great attitide, a great bunch of friends and a sunny outlook. But his older brother killed himself. I don't think I will ever feel joyful and relaxed in relatino to my surviving son.

mrsjackrussell · 15/03/2023 07:31

I have 3 adult children. 2 at home.
I feel abnormal because I don't worry about them. I think that i worried more when they were younger especially when my son was in a bad crowd.
I don't worry unnecessarily.

EveSix · 15/03/2023 07:33

I worry about DC1's poor impulse control becoming an even bigger problem growing older. At the moment, we manage it and the consequences thereof together, but I am concerned about how it'll manifest as they grow and encounter situations where a moment of lapsed consequence-awareness will have a much bigger impact.