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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you stop worrying when your children become adults!

121 replies

MancMamof1 · 14/03/2023 21:00

Because I can't and I know it is ridiculous.
My dd is 19 and does have autism but she is independent and works some evenings and weekends and I worry!
I hate the idea of her on the bus station alone at night especially because she still is fairly vulnerable and can be waiting an hour for the bus.
Often she will get chatting in the staffroom to her manager meaning if she was due home at 6pm she does not get home until 8pm and by that time I am worrying even more.
She does not want to be texting me to tell me where she is at 19 which I fully accept and I know I am being ridiculous.

Do you all just worry? Does it stop?😳

OP posts:
CrapBucket · 14/03/2023 21:52

I worry a tiny tiny bit less about my 18 yo than I did when he was 17. I think because he's an adult and can no longer do anything under-age.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 14/03/2023 21:54

You never stop!!

tsmainsqueeze · 14/03/2023 21:55

Someone earlier said they will never be at peace , this is how i feel .
I have 2 adult sons and a teenage daughter , i can't say i was much of a worrier when they were small but adults a different matter.

AuntieMarys · 14/03/2023 21:55

Mine live 300 miles away in London and I don't worry particularly about them...both are mid 20s.
Must be just me 🤣

LobeliaBaggins · 14/03/2023 21:57

Teach us all how to do it, Auntie Mary🙂

bellswithwhistles · 14/03/2023 21:58

Ok. So I would say, irrespective of how old she is, if she's living with you it's polite to let you know what time she's coming back. I would never let my mum have worried like this. It's just polite! Likewise, my mum would have let me know if she was going to be back late.

Don't want to be outing, but my friend lost his wife because he never knew what time she was going to be back - so by the time he did worry she'd been missing a few hours - also he didn't know her route - found the next day dead in the cold outside from what should have been a minor accident.

If she lives away from home - that's different.

Also, sen or not, I would never let my daughter wait for a bus. Can't you go and get her? Simply not safe to be on your own late at night in this day and age.

Timeandtune · 14/03/2023 22:00

I met a lovely lady in her 90s. She had two sons in their 60s and when I asked her”when did you stop worrying about them” the answer was “never”.

Train007 · 14/03/2023 22:00

Gloriousgardener11 · 14/03/2023 21:15

You never stop worrying.
It's in that invisible contract you sign up to when you become a parent?

This in a nutshell! Sometimes I have to really give myself a good telling off to stop dramatising in my head .

LadyJ2023 · 14/03/2023 22:09

My mum says it's part of being a mum. All 4 of us are well grown adults 30s me and a sibling have autism I tend to forget times tbh...anyway she worries if we go traveling,she worries if we late from work etc but fortunately she keeps the worrying to herself so half the time we never knew she was clock watching or waiting for a we are ok text 😁

Lessoftheold · 14/03/2023 22:12

LobeliaBaggins · 14/03/2023 21:07

You don't. This is what I find most difficult. I will never be at peace.

I feel this way too.

fiftiesmum · 14/03/2023 22:14

It never stops - plus there is the added worry of partners and the next generation.
DD says the day I stop worrying about them all is the day they have to start writing about me.

fiftiesmum · 14/03/2023 22:15
  • to start worrying about me
Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 14/03/2023 22:19

You never stop worrying but gradually learn to trust that they will manage when things do go wrong over time. However if my daughter was waiting in a bus station alone in the dark I would definitely want a system in place if she was agreeable, eg track on iphone, text, some sort of safety app. That just seems sensible to me and not overdoing things.

HamBone · 14/03/2023 22:27

Hollyhocksandlarkspur · 14/03/2023 22:19

You never stop worrying but gradually learn to trust that they will manage when things do go wrong over time. However if my daughter was waiting in a bus station alone in the dark I would definitely want a system in place if she was agreeable, eg track on iphone, text, some sort of safety app. That just seems sensible to me and not overdoing things.

I agree, @Hollyhocksandlarkspur, I’d definitely want her to keep in touch.

UWhatNow · 14/03/2023 22:29

LobeliaBaggins · 14/03/2023 21:16

I never worried when they were young. Not changing for PE: not a disaster. Walking down a road as a lone young woman could be a disaster.

Totally agree. I do worry about my young adult dds far more than my son even though he’s been the victim of more physical violence and a mugging.

watcherintherye · 14/03/2023 22:34

I don’t think you ever do stop worrying. You’re only as happy as your unhappiest child. So true!

ssd · 14/03/2023 22:41

Someone on here wrote "its like a little piece of your heart wandering around the world at will and there's nothing you can do about it"

Its so true

StillMedusa · 14/03/2023 22:53

I'm 55 and my adult kids are now aged 25-31.
It never stops.
BUT there are periods when I don't worry about them ..then periods of intense worry and stress when something is wrong in their lives and I can't fix it for them.
Eldest is going through a divorce... (not her fault.. ex had an affair) and currently I worry a LOT, because my heart breaks for her, and we are supporting her as much as we possibly can.
I don't go round under a black cloud of worry and misery, but I don't think I'll ever NOT worry a bit!

Japanesejazz · 14/03/2023 22:53

I haven’t stopped yet, they are 30 and 23
Irreplaceable and much loved
Its what you worry about that changes, not the level of worry
Becoming mobile for a toddler is a worrying time, becoming mobile because they have passed their driving test and are out driving alone is far more worrying

Schnooze · 14/03/2023 22:57

Would she let you add her on find my friends? Then you know where she is but she doesn’t have to worry about texting you.

I worry more about mine now they are young adults, than I did when they were young.

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 14/03/2023 22:59

I worry about mine driving but that's because they've given me good reason to - and I like my car. I'm pretty relaxed about everything else they do.

HamishHero · 14/03/2023 23:01

Gosh. Thank you OP for this thread, and the posters for their contributions. I feel normal now. DC early late teens to early 20's and I worry more now than ever. The pp who said irreplaceable hit the nail on the head for me. I wish I could protect them now as I did when they were toddlers and when a cuddle on the sofa with Cebeebies would make everything ok.

AuntieMarys · 14/03/2023 23:06

LobeliaBaggins · 14/03/2023 21:57

Teach us all how to do it, Auntie Mary🙂

Who knows? Maybe because my parents never really worried about me? ( I'm mid 60s) I have worried in the past when they were teenagers ...but I can't control everything they do ( nothing now they are adults) and too much worrying is stressful.
If they were homeless/ jobless/ addicts that would be different.
The only thing I want is that they are not lonely.

onepieceoflollipop · 14/03/2023 23:07

Aah - I started reading this whilst in bed waiting for my 19 year old to get home.
She’s driving now - another thing to worry about! Before that I worried about her at the bus station, walking along our road in the dark, going through subways in town…

I’m a worrier though. Last night I was away and I didn’t worry because dh was here…yes I know that doesn’t make sense.

I’d worry more if she was home all the time, I am proud of her and her independence and it’s better imo that she’s out and about…working, socialising, happy and healthy. The worrying is mainly my anxiety.

CherrySocks · 14/03/2023 23:08

I agree that we still worry about adult children but have to let them lead their own lives - however in the example you give, if someone lives with you, even if they are an adult, I would expect them to let you know if they are going to be late back. Does she not have an evening meal with you? I would say that she should let you know if she is delayed, it doesn't matter how old she is.

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