Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I let me daughter go, when the mum doesn’t communicate with me?

84 replies

Ijustdontknowwhattodo1018 · 14/03/2023 19:11

My daughter had a message from her friend inviting her on an Easter workshop. She’ll be gone for around 3 hours and it’s about a 45 minute drive away.

All communication is from the daughter as the Mum just won’t communicate with me. She has to be fairly pleasant when I purposely speak to her to try and break the ice but it’s very clear, she doesn’t like me.

She likes a drink and a good time, I don’t think she’s an alcoholic and I would hope she wouldn’t drink and drive but I’ve never been able to get to know her well enough to find out what she’s really like, morals etc. I am uncomfortable putting her in a car with an adult who can’t show any basic respectful communication, am I being unreasonable not letting my daughter go?

OP posts:
Zonder · 15/03/2023 07:19

How old is your daughter?

Crumpetdisappointment · 15/03/2023 07:27

not everyone is friendly, this mum included
you could take her yourself if you are worried

User4891 · 15/03/2023 07:31

OP we need to know how old your dd is if she's an age where you'd expect them to need a fair degree of monitoring (there'll be varying opinions on this but let's say < 11) then yes I'd want to have a fair bit of trust in the mum before I agreed to her being responsible for my child. Secondary age it'd be the children I was putting my faith in.

I really don't get playground drama. Just be polite and focus on the kids when you engage with other parents. There's plenty of the parents at my 5YO's school who are a bit cliquey and turn their nose up at me and I don't especially see the point in trying to be best buds with them. However, I'd care for their kids and trust them to care for my kid like their own no problem. In my gut I know they seem like good people and good parents. I would just text this mum and ask if she knows about this playdate. If she does and she's happy to facilitate it and you have no real reason to suspect that she won't look after your child adequately then just go for it. If you're waiting to be best mates with the parents of all your kid's best mates then the poor kid will miss out on a lot of friendship opportunities. It doesn't work that way

PoseyFlump · 15/03/2023 07:37

Another dump and run OP. What's the point asking a question if you don't give enough information and don't come back?

If this is genuine then at the very least you should have the other parent's phone number.

Teateaandmoretea · 15/03/2023 07:38

If you aren’t comfortable then say no.

My dd is in year 9 and I’d say communication varies, some parents still like to communicate with parents. I’m easy either way but would think it completely reasonable that if I was taking one of her friends on a significant trip the parent would communicate with me about it. I may also want to in those circs, particularly if I didn’t know the family.

PrincessScarlett · 15/03/2023 07:38

How old is your daughter???

Itsmyturnnow1 · 15/03/2023 07:41

I’d ask your daughter to text her friend and ask for mums number. Then I’d text her and say “Just checking you’re happy to take dd to Easter thing, thanks so much”. I wouldn’t be happy with letting my child go without confirmation with the mum.

Teateaandmoretea · 15/03/2023 07:41

Secondary age it'd be the children I was putting my faith in.

😂😂😂

Mumsnet is truly weird at times. Can’t be left alone for a minute until they are past year 6. Then there is some kind of epiphany over the summer holidays.

This isn’t popping over to a friends house for an hour.

pinkyredrose · 15/03/2023 07:42

Judgemental much? 'Likes a good time'? 🤔

redskylight · 15/03/2023 07:45

Crumpetdisappointment · 15/03/2023 07:27

not everyone is friendly, this mum included
you could take her yourself if you are worried

There is a difference between not being friendly and being unfriendly.

OP concedes that the other parent is perfectly pleasant when she speaks to her - she just doesn't go out of her way to make small talk or to be more forthcoming.

Which is about 90% of people on MN based on the threads about people not liking to talk to people if they don't have to.

Teateaandmoretea · 15/03/2023 07:47

The judgmental stuff is irrelevant to this. It isn’t the parents who are friends or ever will be it’s the kids. It’s perfectly possible the other mum can’t stand the OP, but she still needs to be willing to communicate with her if she is taking her child on this type of trip.

RudsyFarmer · 15/03/2023 07:51

You are allowed to make decisions based on your feelings towards a child’s parent. It’s a fair distance away and you’re concerned. If you really wanted her to go I guess you could suggest you meet them there abd then go for a pouch around while they attend the workshop.

User4891 · 15/03/2023 07:51

Teateaandmoretea · 15/03/2023 07:41

Secondary age it'd be the children I was putting my faith in.

😂😂😂

Mumsnet is truly weird at times. Can’t be left alone for a minute until they are past year 6. Then there is some kind of epiphany over the summer holidays.

This isn’t popping over to a friends house for an hour.

No I didn't say that. Of course it's a gradual process but I'd expect as a general rule that by age 11/12 most kids are able to have an hour or so out at the shops or cinema together, for example and I think their ability to cope with this would depend more on their own and their friend's sensibility than the parents

This doesn't happen overnight. It grows gradually from 'never let them out of sight' as babies/young toddlers to 'can play a the other end of the park/softplay but stay where I can see you' to 'allowing them to play in your own room/the garden and I don't feel the need to check on you every 2 minutes' to 'nip to the shop/play outdoors with friends but come back at x time' etc etc. It's a gradual thing. I never said it isn't so why are you picking faults with my post?

IamnotSethRogan · 15/03/2023 07:52

Well if they're teenagers they do generally sort this stuff out themselves. We're gradually moving to this stage with DD. And what do you mean won't communicate? Like if you text her asking for the details would she not respond?

Dinopawus · 15/03/2023 07:55

Teateaandmoretea · 15/03/2023 07:38

If you aren’t comfortable then say no.

My dd is in year 9 and I’d say communication varies, some parents still like to communicate with parents. I’m easy either way but would think it completely reasonable that if I was taking one of her friends on a significant trip the parent would communicate with me about it. I may also want to in those circs, particularly if I didn’t know the family.

I agree it varies at secondary, we live in a village so inevitably have to drop DC off, which I personally like because it does allow me to say hi to parents & check about arrangements for food / entry fees / offer reciprocal travel arrangements.

I don’t think it’s weird that older children make arrangements, but it’s always good to check there’s no unintentional cheeky fuckery on behalf of your own child not understanding the etiquette around who pays.

AIBUNoNo · 15/03/2023 07:57

It' s not clear what's going on.

A first I thought you meant the friend was 45 mins away. But maybe you mean the workshop is 45 mins from the friend and the mother will drive them there.

I understand if you are worried about DD being driven by a mum who may have a drink problem.

FWIW my DD had a friend where the father was rumoured to have a bit of a drink issue, and I discouraged the friendship as I didn't want him driving my DD to places.

Is this your problem?

ringsaglitter · 15/03/2023 08:05

fUNNYfACE36 · 14/03/2023 19:14

So the mum does something kind for your dd and you don't want to let her go because the mum is polite but doesn't want to be bosom buddies with you.you jnferstand she us doing a favour by taking your kid, not the other way round?

No, when I was a child I knew mum's who did this with me. They weren't doing it for me or their daughters, just a way to keep their kids entertained while they got drunk and/or had a good time.

I agree with the OP, definitely keep away from this woman and her unfortunate children.

User4891 · 15/03/2023 08:12

ringsaglitter · 15/03/2023 08:05

No, when I was a child I knew mum's who did this with me. They weren't doing it for me or their daughters, just a way to keep their kids entertained while they got drunk and/or had a good time.

I agree with the OP, definitely keep away from this woman and her unfortunate children.

Show quote history

Because the OP has made a fleeting comment that she 'likes a drink'?! If this is in the context of her previously being drunk whilst looking after kids or drink driving then sure it's an issue. If it's simply a couple of fb posts of her enjoying a glass of wine with friends then this is perfectly normal and none of anyone's business

user1492757084 · 15/03/2023 08:21

Does your daughter want to go? How old is she?
Will you be dropping your daughter off 45 miles away?
You are not unreasonable to be worried and to wonder whether the mother is responsible. Your daughter could be old enough to discern. Have you discussed your worries with anyone who knows the family better?
I would not have my daughter at the home of a drunkard but I would not worry if they just like a happy wine at dinner.

ArdeteiMasazxu · 15/03/2023 08:25

not enough information.

the question is, what would be the backup plan if your child was at this workshop and the uncommunicative mum didn't show up to collect.

if a DC has their own phone and access to money and is old enough and capable enough to get home on public transport, or if I would be able to drop everything and go and do an unexpected collection if there was a total transport failure, then fine.

if the DC would be totally reliant on the other mum then I wouldn't be comfortable giving that reliance to someone who doesn't respond or keep in touch at all - they don't have to be my buddies, just basically informative.

The actual workshop is presumably something that anyone can go to and is being run by a 3rd party organisation, so it's only the transport there and back which is the issue.

Anotherturnipforthebooks · 15/03/2023 08:37

Based on op's lack of response, I'm guessing her daughter is 13+

Inastatus · 15/03/2023 08:43

Maybe the friend’s mum doesn’t like you OP?

wednesdaynamesep · 15/03/2023 08:45

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/03/2023 23:03

I am trying and failing to get a handle on what your problem is with this woman. You apparently disapprove of the fact that she "likes a drink" but you don't think she's an alcoholic. If you don't think she's an alcoholic and don't think she would drink while caring for your child why does it matter that she goes out and has a social life?

You've also said that it's clear she doesn't like you but it isn't clear to me at all, it sounds as if it's the other way around. It comes across fairly clearly in your OP that you disapprove of her and I don't really understand why.

If there's more to this than you've said then you need to elaborate.

As a general principle I think you should trust anyone who is going to be looking after your child and you clearly don't. But I get the impression this is more to do with your judgement of her lifestyle than anything concrete. I may be being unfair but this is what I'm getting from this post.

I think it's quite simple. OP doesn't know the woman from a bar of soap, but what she does know - presumably from other people - is she likes to drink. I doubt, if this kind of comment is circulating about her, that folk would be talking about a glass or two in an evening. If it's info coming from other people it's impossible to gauge if the drinking is a problem or not. That's enough to give her cause for concern.

This would concern me too. I'd not let my daughter go unless I could call the mother and speak to her directly. I would tell DD to ask for mums number. It's easy enough to just say 'I wanted to be sure you were on board and DD had all the details straight etc'. I would also possibly pick my DD up after the event, arrive early, so I could informally meet mum and put my own mind to rest for future events.

And before the comments about judging, listening to gossip etc come in... DDs welfare comes ahead of being pious and self-righteous. Easy enough to deal with this without offending mum or being rude.

AIBUNoNo · 15/03/2023 08:55

user1492757084 · 15/03/2023 08:21

Does your daughter want to go? How old is she?
Will you be dropping your daughter off 45 miles away?
You are not unreasonable to be worried and to wonder whether the mother is responsible. Your daughter could be old enough to discern. Have you discussed your worries with anyone who knows the family better?
I would not have my daughter at the home of a drunkard but I would not worry if they just like a happy wine at dinner.

Where are you getting the 45 miles from?

The Op says the workshop is 45 mins away from the friend (I assume.)

AIBUNoNo · 15/03/2023 08:58

Come on folks, the daughter's age is not the issue.

Unless you think it's 'safer' for a 17 year old to be driven by a parent with a drink issue, compared to a 6 year old.

No logic to these comments.

The OP thinks the mum may have a drink issue.

I've known a parent like that (rumour from other parents was the father had ad rink issue and he tended to do a lot of the ferrying around) and I did what I could to discourage my D from spending time with the family and being driven by the parent.