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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband set an alarm to pay attention

69 replies

Daisydread · 14/03/2023 14:52

Thoughts please? Me and hubby weren’t really getting along not really fighting but also not massively happy spoke to hubby he said he was happy blah blah blah he works a lot, and works away.

Now I heard an alarm going off on his phone and it was my name, I’ve asked him and it’s an alarm to remind him about me.

I keep thinking about it a getting annoyed, AIBU? I just keep thinking I want a partner that doesn’t need an alarm to remind him he has a wife

OP posts:
NomadicSpirit · 14/03/2023 14:57

Hmm... I wouldn't think of it as "reminding him that he has a wife" and more of a reminding himself to think about you and what he has done for you recently or could do for you and just to reflect. I think its a positive personally as it shows he wants to make changes and as he's busy this is his "take a pause" moment.

What have you done on your side to try and alleviate the situation by the way?

Original poster
Daisydread · 14/03/2023 15:05

I was the one who does all booking arranging anyway so I have just tried to change overthinking it, just tried to be a bit more relaxed and overthinking it. But this alarm has got me thinking again.

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 14/03/2023 15:15

Now I heard an alarm going off on his phone and it was my name, I’ve asked him and it’s an alarm to remind him about me.

He's unilaterally chosen to take action to ensure he considers you more, & you're pissed off about it?

It's a bit quirky, but where's the harm?
He's making sure he thinks about you instead of compartmentalising.

Original poster
Daisydread · 14/03/2023 15:35

Yeah like I say, I have to be honest no I am not happy about it I do all of our arranging, 90% childcare, 90% housework all cooking I work part time and he works long hours and is constantly on his phone so yeah I am annoyed that he needs a reminder. To add to this he is choosing to work all these hours, I am talking 8 in the morning till 9/10 at night

if you think I am wrong then that’s kinda good I can accept that but I can’t help how I feel

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 14/03/2023 15:37

Daisydread · 14/03/2023 15:35

Yeah like I say, I have to be honest no I am not happy about it I do all of our arranging, 90% childcare, 90% housework all cooking I work part time and he works long hours and is constantly on his phone so yeah I am annoyed that he needs a reminder. To add to this he is choosing to work all these hours, I am talking 8 in the morning till 9/10 at night

if you think I am wrong then that’s kinda good I can accept that but I can’t help how I feel

Of course you can;t - but do you think you may be focused on the wrong thing?

Surely the problem is his insane & unsustainable working hours, & how much the household is split into man = workaholic woman = does everybloodythingelse.

When does he make time for YOU, & nurturing your relationship?

MissingMoominMamma · 14/03/2023 15:37

I put reminders on my phone to contact friends and relatives. I love them dearly - that’s the reason.

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 15:39

Well you’ve been added to his daily calendar as a must set aside time for person. I’d consider than an upgrade from taken for granted and not a thought spared for person.

It’s unconventional, but if that’s how it works for him…an alarm to override being swallowed up by busy long days working then I don’t understand why you feel you need to dictate to him what aids he uses to improve your relationship.

Velvetbee · 14/03/2023 15:45

I clean an office at the weekend, so never meet the people who work there. One desk has post it reminders, ‘Say something nice to…gf name’ (I assume) and things like, ‘Reply to gf name about holiday options.’ He’s obviously not a natural at relationship communication but I give him credit for trying.

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 15:46

Velvetbee · 14/03/2023 15:45

I clean an office at the weekend, so never meet the people who work there. One desk has post it reminders, ‘Say something nice to…gf name’ (I assume) and things like, ‘Reply to gf name about holiday options.’ He’s obviously not a natural at relationship communication but I give him credit for trying.

Or has ADHD. My DH and I have tons of notes to self in use at all times.
I used to have a notepad with a To Do list and every morning would carry forward repeat items or undone items from the day before.

BigFloppa · 14/03/2023 15:47

Does he have adhd. Object permanence can apply to loved ones as well.

I have to set an alarm to remind me to pick the children up from school!

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 15:49

BigFloppa · 14/03/2023 15:47

Does he have adhd. Object permanence can apply to loved ones as well.

I have to set an alarm to remind me to pick the children up from school!

We do too. Plus alarm for the bins to go out. Alarm to make dinner if it’s our turn, alarm to warn of dinner in five minutes if not our turn to cook. Alarm to take a shower in the evening. Alarm to get out the house for appointments. Alarm for zoom meetings. Alarm to check doors are locked before bed. The works.

PeekAtYou · 14/03/2023 15:55

Is he neurodiverse ?

I ask because there is an episode of Big Bang Theory. Sheldon (who is clearly ND) had sex with his newly wed wife (who isn't ND) scheduled. She is initially furious that he has to schedule and. He explains that he loves her and sex but has a low libido so if he didn't remind himself then he might forget and she might end up having sex with someone else. They end up compromising. He keeps sex on his schedule but doesn't tell her when that reminder happens so she can feel like it's more spontaneous.

It sounds like there's problems between you and your h but I'd want to know why I was a reminder too.

Original poster
Daisydread · 14/03/2023 15:56

No he doesn’t have ADHD although I did a pre assessment screening thing and it said I had it although this wasn’t NHS so don’t know how reliable it was

OP posts:
EllieM27 · 14/03/2023 15:58

It sounds like he is proactively trying to change his bad habits and make sure he is being more mindful of you and of your relationship. That seems like a good thing to me. Perhaps try reframing it in a more positive manner? He cares and he wants to improve and address the issues that are causing friction. He just needs a bit of help getting out of the rut he’s in, so he’s utilizing some tools to help him.

mackthepony · 14/03/2023 15:59

I'm sorry but that's so funny

Donnashair · 14/03/2023 15:59

I do things like this. I have adhd.

I am really confused. He is making an effort.
if I making an effort to give Dp what he needs, I would be pissed off if he turned round and said I was still wrong because of how I managed to meet his needs.

PhukOph · 14/03/2023 16:00

Did you ask him....reminder as in what? Reminder to speak to you? To look at you? To think of you?

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 14/03/2023 16:02

Sounds quite sweet to me!

upnorthkingsizedbed · 14/03/2023 16:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it's the work of a previously banned poster.

Hillrunning · 14/03/2023 16:03

I think it is lovely. I have to mentally schedule sex, occasionally I have set phone reminders for it too. It matters to me but is something that can easily get put on the back burner if I don't actively think of it.

I'd say he is asking an effort to bring you to the forefront of his mmind. Surely that's a good thing.

coldcoffee12 · 14/03/2023 16:07

This is actually practiced in grounding work. He probably spends 95% of his time on auto pilot as many of us do. This is him making an effort to bring you to the front of his mind

MangoBiscuit · 14/03/2023 16:19

Sounds like you want a partner who automatically thinks of you. And I get that, I don't think it's an unreasonable desire. But it sounds like he's on auto pilot a lot, which we all do. He's aware that you need more consideration from him, so he's actively trying to change that habit so that he becomes a partner who DOES automatically think of you.

I think that's really sweet.

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 16:22

Alarm weirdness aside

Why are you doing 90% of house work and childcare?

SnottyLottie · 14/03/2023 16:26

Aww I think that’s quite sweet to be honest. At least he’s making the effort. I would be discussing the working hours and house work though!

EmmaEmerald · 14/03/2023 16:28

I've come across this before, I worked for a CEO who did it because I think she found it easier to cope with everything that way.

i admit, I found it odd till she explained it to me. Funnily enough I remembered it today and I can still see the pluses.

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