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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband set an alarm to pay attention

69 replies

Daisydread · 14/03/2023 14:52

Thoughts please? Me and hubby weren’t really getting along not really fighting but also not massively happy spoke to hubby he said he was happy blah blah blah he works a lot, and works away.

Now I heard an alarm going off on his phone and it was my name, I’ve asked him and it’s an alarm to remind him about me.

I keep thinking about it a getting annoyed, AIBU? I just keep thinking I want a partner that doesn’t need an alarm to remind him he has a wife

OP posts:
PhukOph · 14/03/2023 16:29

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 16:22

Alarm weirdness aside

Why are you doing 90% of house work and childcare?

Because he's choosing to work 70 hours a week. There's definitely a lot more going on here than a sweet alarm to remind him of his wife.

OP - how come he's choosing to work so many hours?

EmmaEmerald · 14/03/2023 16:30

coldcoffee12 · 14/03/2023 16:07

This is actually practiced in grounding work. He probably spends 95% of his time on auto pilot as many of us do. This is him making an effort to bring you to the front of his mind

I would be really interested to hear more about "grounding work" if you have any thoughts, thank you.

ladykale · 14/03/2023 16:31

Daisydread · 14/03/2023 15:35

Yeah like I say, I have to be honest no I am not happy about it I do all of our arranging, 90% childcare, 90% housework all cooking I work part time and he works long hours and is constantly on his phone so yeah I am annoyed that he needs a reminder. To add to this he is choosing to work all these hours, I am talking 8 in the morning till 9/10 at night

if you think I am wrong then that’s kinda good I can accept that but I can’t help how I feel

What job does he do / how much does he earn.

Certain jobs just require those type of hours tbh, so unless he could find another job that pays the same with less hours or pays less but you still would have enough, then it is what it is.

If you work part time surely you both have similar "free time"

If he works that much hopefully he earns enough to allow you to bring in some extra help?

MelchiorsMistress · 14/03/2023 16:32

The bloke is trying to do what you want. You are being unfair to be irritated by it. You aren’t supposed to try and change the people you’re meant to love, yet you seem to be expecting him to be something that he simply isn’t.

Is it really that he’s using an alarm to remind him of you, or that he’s using an alarm to remind him of the things you want him to do?

Justalittlebitduckling · 14/03/2023 16:32

I think it’s quite sweet. Trying to engineer that early stage of a romance where you constantly think of the other person the whole time. At least he’s trying!

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 14/03/2023 16:36

Some people are very all our nothing so get very immersive in tasks and need to compartmentalise to be able to do the full focus that some jobs demand. For that sort of person this kind of thing makes complete sense.
I would be pleased he was being proactive about making sure he came away from his work to invest time and attention in his relationship.

lanthanum · 14/03/2023 16:40

If he's the sort of person who gets engrossed in something, then realises it's now past your bedtime and too late to ring you (if working away), then setting an alarm is not necessarily a bad thing - it's just a way of making sure he doesn't leave it too late.

NotDavidTennant · 14/03/2023 16:41

I don't really get the "why are you upset" responses.

OP is pissed off because she wants her DH to genuinely care about her rather than have to schedule it in like it's a chore he needs to be reminded about.

CovertImage · 14/03/2023 16:43

I can't believe that PP are defending someone who isn't ND needing an alarm to think about his wife

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 16:45

CovertImage · 14/03/2023 16:43

I can't believe that PP are defending someone who isn't ND needing an alarm to think about his wife

You don’t know they are not ND. Tons of adults are undiagnosed until they reach middle age.

PearCrumbleCustard · 14/03/2023 16:47

I think this is a very loving and sweet thing to do!

I have put reminders myself sometimes to say extra nice things to my kids, I’m a bit neurodiverse I guess, and it really helped our relationship when they were teenagers. So easy to get caught up in the ‘have you done your homework/washed up’

PandasAreUseless · 14/03/2023 16:51

DH has a series of alarms set to remind him to do various chores. It saves me having to do all of thinking and management around the house.

It's a bit extreme to set an alarm to "check in with the wife", but my DH isn't a workaholic and, if yours is being proactive in any small way, that's a good thing.

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 16:52

NotDavidTennant · 14/03/2023 16:41

I don't really get the "why are you upset" responses.

OP is pissed off because she wants her DH to genuinely care about her rather than have to schedule it in like it's a chore he needs to be reminded about.

You can both genuinely care and schedule reminders. It’s not an either/or. Reminders aren’t just for chores.

Every friend or extended family you have- don’t you get a reminder for their birthday? Does setting up a reminder or allowing say FB to remind you mean you do not genuinely care about them? I would say the opposite.

stickygotstuck · 14/03/2023 16:52

NotDavidTennant · 14/03/2023 16:41

I don't really get the "why are you upset" responses.

OP is pissed off because she wants her DH to genuinely care about her rather than have to schedule it in like it's a chore he needs to be reminded about.

In this case, I'd say scheduling is caring.

Zerogive · 14/03/2023 17:00

I have alarms for everything, including to remind me to go see/talk to dh, I just loose track of time and get caught up in things. A lot of times i don't need it but it's helpful, if you get caught up in things which it sounds like he might with work.

Ihatethenewlook · 14/03/2023 17:03

CovertImage · 14/03/2023 16:43

I can't believe that PP are defending someone who isn't ND needing an alarm to think about his wife

It’s not about ‘needing to remind him he has a wife’. He’s clearly aware he’s married. I’ve seen something similar on super nanny type programs, where the parents are so up the wall with work and life admin etc that they simply never switch off. Obviously they are aware they have children, they are aware they should be spending time with the children, but during the short time they get with the children they are checking messages/work emails/preparing tasks for the next day. I may have made this sound worse comparing the op to a child, but I can definitely see him thinking ‘right, my schedule is affecting my marriage. I’m going to set aside some quality time each day to give my wife my undivided attention’, and then setting an alarm where there’s no excuses for time to get away with him. I think it’s pretty shit to blame a man for trying.

ireallycantthinkofaname · 14/03/2023 17:09

I think it's quite sweet. He's trying to change, to do better, to make positive changes to his behaviour to benefit the relationship. What's wrong with that?

SavBlancTonight · 14/03/2023 17:15

Surely the more important question is "did the alarm work?" ie, once the alarm went off, did he come in to talk to you, send you a message, get up and think about doing a load of washing?

Because actually, I'd see this as a good proactive step... if he follows through. An alarm with your name on it where he thinks about you for 10 seconds then goes back to scrolling would be less helpful.

Albiboba · 14/03/2023 17:18

And him “choosing” to work longer hours is nothing to do with you working part time?

It honestly sounds like you’re the type of person to find the bad in everything. While I’ve not head of the alarm thing specifically it’s not actually that abnormal to schedule time for your partner or to be mindful.

Cocobutt · 14/03/2023 17:18

He is making an effort, stop nit picking.

Why would you take offence to someone who is making an effort to make you feel loved and wanted.

He knows there is a problem in the marriage and he’s making a conscious effort to try and fix it and do it every day, regardless of what else is going on.

It’s not going to fix all of the problems but it’s a great start.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/03/2023 17:46

He's setting an alarm to help get him into the habit of stopping what he is absorbed in to prioritise you. Whether it's actually communicating with you or training himself to stop and think about you, it's a valid tool for changing behaviours that you find unacceptable.

And you're getting upset that he's doing it?

ToBeOrNotToBee · 14/03/2023 17:47

That's actually really sweet of him.

It shows he's aware of an issue and he's trying his hardest to implement change.

He clearly loves and cares for you.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 14/03/2023 17:47

That's actually really sweet of him.

It shows he's aware of an issue and he's trying his hardest to implement change.

He clearly loves and cares for you.

ReneBumsWombats · 14/03/2023 17:54

I almost admire that level of pass agg sarcasm.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/03/2023 18:01

He's trying. It sounds like you're picking holes or looking for a fight.

Make very careful choices here.

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