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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it okay to be rude and grumpy when you’re tired

74 replies

SebHH · 13/03/2023 22:25

I’m struggling following a row between DH and DD (23 and not living at home but has no place of her own and stays for few days here and there)… The row is a familiar one and goes like this. DH comes back around 9pm after a long day at work, tired and ready to eat kebab has brought back with him. For context DH slightly obsessional and unable to relax until house tidy to his standard so will often come in and tidy up even though rest of us wdnt see place as messy- he’s aware he needs to do this and asks (of me) that I let him do it (even though I feel him to be a bit of a grumpy presence until it’s done which means he can bring a bit of a cloud through the door with him)
Tonight when he came in DD was cooking something to take in for her lunch tomorrow… although she wasn’t making a mess he would experience it as one and wouldn’t be able to relax/eat his supper and wd feel annoyed. Row erupts when she asks about his day and his reply is “short”/ abrupt- she experiences this as rude. I tend to think she has a point, that even if tired no excuse to be grumpy/rude but I don’t get involved as DH would feel I wasn’t taking his side/I think my getting involved makes things worse rather than better. But row upsets me. And left unsure if it’s fair he’s tired and grumpy and she should be accepting of that or if tiredness no excuse to be grumpy/rude

Sorry long ramble

OP posts:
Barbecuebeans · 13/03/2023 22:30

It's all about him and his needs though, isn't it? No effort at compromise or what you or your DD want and everyone has to tread on eggshells around him.

I'm afraid I don't think it's reasonable to take your bad temper on other people, no. Maybe once in a blue moon but not on a regular basis like this seems to be. If he gets so tired after work, he needs to find better ways of handling it. If he needs the house a certain way, he needs to both compromise on exactly how tidy it has to be and not make a big deal out of doing it.

Corcomroe · 13/03/2023 22:34

Barbecuebeans · 13/03/2023 22:30

It's all about him and his needs though, isn't it? No effort at compromise or what you or your DD want and everyone has to tread on eggshells around him.

I'm afraid I don't think it's reasonable to take your bad temper on other people, no. Maybe once in a blue moon but not on a regular basis like this seems to be. If he gets so tired after work, he needs to find better ways of handling it. If he needs the house a certain way, he needs to both compromise on exactly how tidy it has to be and not make a big deal out of doing it.

Agreed. I couldn’t tolerate someone who inflicted his bad mood and obsessive tidiness on his family.

Karwomannghia · 13/03/2023 22:38

Hopefully she’ll choose someone who doesn’t have a bad temper, speaking from experience.

PaigeMatthews · 13/03/2023 22:40

I dont know how you want people to vote.

but if your dd is sofa surfing to avoid living at your home and her father behaves like a dick every evening, he is being unreasonable

she asked him how is day was. Perfectly normal.
he responded by being a nasty prick. Not normal.

you darent speak even though you know it isnt acceptable because you know that would make your life worse. He sounds like a bully.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/03/2023 22:41

If she’s not living there why’s she cooking there? Do you both know when she’s going to be home or does she just drop in and use your kitchen?

He shouldn’t be rude but he sounds stressed and exhausted. What time does he start work if he finishes at 9?

Maybe he’s not as happy with her popping in and out as you are. Have you spoken about it?

maras3 · 13/03/2023 22:42

Yes if you're 3.

Alpiniste · 13/03/2023 22:48

He sounds horrible to live with.

Fairislefandango · 13/03/2023 22:51

No, it's not ok. You sound as if you have been conditioned into making excuses for his 'needs'. He's an adult. He should behave like one, and stop making everyone dance to his tune. The passive-aggressive tidying of the already tidy house would absolutely do my head in.

Original poster
SebHH · 13/03/2023 22:51

She’s a student and lives for the most part with my mum but on and off is with us, maybe a long weekend every other week or so as her partner is in London (also doesn’t have their own place, living with an aunt)- so like many others her age these days she’s half back home (often with partner in tow) after having been away at Uni. I think DH does struggle with her being back and forth more than I do. Realise this isn’t strictly an AIBU but just wondering what other people’s take is. I don’t feel bullied as such, more that she’s an adult and it’s there relation to sort out… and I know from history that if I wade in it often makes things worse… that said there probably is an element of treading on eggshells

OP posts:
Original poster
SebHH · 13/03/2023 22:59

An afterthought- I’m also aware that I’m not good with people being grumpy/bad tempered, it makes me anxious… so not sure if it’s my sensitivity to ordinary/acceptable grumpiness or whether it’s out of order

OP posts:
Xant · 13/03/2023 23:05

Barbecuebeans · 13/03/2023 22:30

It's all about him and his needs though, isn't it? No effort at compromise or what you or your DD want and everyone has to tread on eggshells around him.

I'm afraid I don't think it's reasonable to take your bad temper on other people, no. Maybe once in a blue moon but not on a regular basis like this seems to be. If he gets so tired after work, he needs to find better ways of handling it. If he needs the house a certain way, he needs to both compromise on exactly how tidy it has to be and not make a big deal out of doing it.

This.

Corcomroe · 13/03/2023 23:08

Tell your DH that unless he figures out a better way of managing his post-work mood, he can eat his kebab in the car?

mycatsanutter · 13/03/2023 23:10

Yep he is rude ! She asked how his day was fgs , she didn't have to . For context my DH has just finished nights and has stayed awake all day and has not been rude to anyone .

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/03/2023 23:12

There’s no excuse for a grown adult to take tiredness out on other people.

Especially those merely chatting about his day.

Swansridinghorses · 13/03/2023 23:15

He does sound like he’s being rude but this also sounds like OCD and that he needs proper help for this.

Original poster
SebHH · 13/03/2023 23:16

Just to add… when she asked him how was his day he did reply “was alright” just in a slightly angry/don’t talk to me tone of voice- it’s the “f-off” tone rather than content that’s rather hostile

OP posts:
LemonJuiceFromConcentrate · 13/03/2023 23:20

SebHH · 13/03/2023 23:16

Just to add… when she asked him how was his day he did reply “was alright” just in a slightly angry/don’t talk to me tone of voice- it’s the “f-off” tone rather than content that’s rather hostile

That doesn’t make it any better, in some ways that’s worse.

He sounds like a rude, grumpy negative presence. I couldn’t live with someone like that.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/03/2023 23:22

SebHH · 13/03/2023 23:16

Just to add… when she asked him how was his day he did reply “was alright” just in a slightly angry/don’t talk to me tone of voice- it’s the “f-off” tone rather than content that’s rather hostile

He’s rude. Expects you all to walk on eggshells and live to his rules.

does he have redeeming qualities?

JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 23:27

Your daughter might be your daughter but it's his home. It's quite a liberty to be cooking in someone else's kitchen at 9pm when you know ull well he's gonna come home after a long day ready to eat his supper and likes a tidy home.
He's not said anything but is showing his agitation by not being up for a chat.....but that's not enough....now the poor guy is being accused of being rude. No, he was irritated but civil. He doesn't owe your daughter a smile.

Corcomroe · 13/03/2023 23:32

JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 23:27

Your daughter might be your daughter but it's his home. It's quite a liberty to be cooking in someone else's kitchen at 9pm when you know ull well he's gonna come home after a long day ready to eat his supper and likes a tidy home.
He's not said anything but is showing his agitation by not being up for a chat.....but that's not enough....now the poor guy is being accused of being rude. No, he was irritated but civil. He doesn't owe your daughter a smile.

Isn’t she the DH’s daughter, too? And it’s also her home in that she doesn’t have a place of her own?

Cornishclio · 13/03/2023 23:33

No I would not call it acceptable to be rude or grumpy if you are tired. Part of being an adult is controlling your emotions and the bare minimum is to be polite if asked a perfectly civil question. I cannot imagine either DH or I being that unwelcome to our two daughters even if they were cooking. He sounds obsessive and difficult to live with so no wonder you suffer with anxiety. That is no way to live.

Minfilia · 13/03/2023 23:35

He’s a dick and a mood hoover. I’ve lived with one too (I don’t anymore).

He’s pissed off because your daughter was living in and using her own home? Really?

He needs therapy and quickly.

JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 23:40

SebHH · 13/03/2023 23:16

Just to add… when she asked him how was his day he did reply “was alright” just in a slightly angry/don’t talk to me tone of voice- it’s the “f-off” tone rather than content that’s rather hostile

Bloody hell, everyone's piling onto the poor bloke and he hasn't done anything.
So he came in to eat his kebab and relax and daughter asks if he's had a good day and his response is "Was alright..." He's tired and hungry, wants to relax but she's faffing about in the kitchen and he just wants to be left alone. He wasn't rude. He just gave out leave me alone vibes. That's fine.
Incidentally who thinks this is an issue? I bet ye ate his kebab, daughter rolled her eyes, finished her cooking and cleared up. I think it was YOU who had the problem....all this big debate about wanting to sort things out yet fearing you'll make things worse. Do you have form for making things bigger than they are? Do you suffer with anxiety? This doesn't sound a normal response to a non event.....and to feel the need to post on Mumsnet for advice.
It's done, it's passed. It's fine.

JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 23:42

Minfilia · 13/03/2023 23:35

He’s a dick and a mood hoover. I’ve lived with one too (I don’t anymore).

He’s pissed off because your daughter was living in and using her own home? Really?

He needs therapy and quickly.

I don't think it is her home now. She's at uni but stays over.

gypsytrampandthief · 13/03/2023 23:45

So he came in to eat his kebab and relax and daughter asks if he's had a good day and his response is "Was alright..." He's tired and hungry, wants to relax but she's faffing about in the kitchen and he just wants to be left alone. He wasn't rude. He just gave out leave me alone vibes. That's fine

So for sone reason he "can't sit and relax" and eat his kebab because his daughter is making food "faffing about" in the kitchen? How horribly unpleasant to give out leave me alone vibes, unless you've had a really bloody awful day. This behaviour sounds like standard for this prince.

No it's not fine. Your bar is set very very low