Page 2 | Is it okay to be rude and grumpy when you’re tired

SebHH · 2023-03-13T22:25:11+00:00

I’m struggling following a row between DH and DD (23 and not living at home but has no place of her own and stays for few days here and there)… The row is a familiar one and goes like this. DH comes back around 9pm after a long day at work, tired and ready to eat kebab has brought back with him. For context DH slightly obsessional and unable to relax until house tidy to his standard so will often come in and tidy up even though rest of us wdnt see place as messy- he’s aware he needs to do this and asks (of me) that I let him do it (even though I feel him to be a bit of a grumpy presence until it’s done which means he can bring a bit of a cloud through the door with him) Tonight when he came in DD was cooking something to take in for her lunch tomorrow… although she wasn’t making a mess he would experience it as one and wouldn’t be able to relax/eat his supper and wd feel annoyed. Row erupts when she asks about his day and his reply is “short”/ abrupt- she experiences this as rude. I tend to think she has a point, that even if tired no excuse to be grumpy/rude but I don’t get involved as DH would feel I wasn’t taking his side/I think my getting involved makes things worse rather than better. But row upsets me. And left unsure if it’s fair he’s tired and grumpy and she should be accepting of that or if tiredness no excuse to be grumpy/rude Sorry long ramble

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 14/03/2023 01:00

he’s aware he needs to do this and asks (of me) that I let him do it (even though I feel him to be a bit of a grumpy presence until it’s done which means he can bring a bit of a cloud through the door with him)

Then he needs to expand his "awareness" of being a grumpy fucker every night & stop imposing the consequences of his OCD on the household.

It's fine to have an agreement that he won't settle until things are as he needs them to be. It is absolutely NOT fine for his to use his quirk as a get out of jail free card for making everyone else on edge or miserable.

You're a saint putting up with this. I can only imagine he;s ground you down over years to accept his horrible moods.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 14/03/2023 01:05

SebHH · 13/03/2023 22:59

An afterthought- I’m also aware that I’m not good with people being grumpy/bad tempered, it makes me anxious… so not sure if it’s my sensitivity to ordinary/acceptable grumpiness or whether it’s out of order

& yet he inflicts this on you despite how anxious it makes you.

You are not being sensitive FFS. Nobody likes living with constant grumps.
He has you scared to open your mouth to challenge him:
I don’t feel bullied as such, more that she’s an adult and it’s there relation to sort out… and I know from history that if I wade in it often makes things worse… that said there probably is an element of treading on eggshells.

She may be an adult, but she's still your child, & her father is being a twat to her.
See how he has conditioned you against speaking out?
If you don't think that's bullying, it's because you've lived with it so long you no longer see how horrible & controlling it is.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 14/03/2023 01:09

JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 23:27

Your daughter might be your daughter but it's his home. It's quite a liberty to be cooking in someone else's kitchen at 9pm when you know ull well he's gonna come home after a long day ready to eat his supper and likes a tidy home.
He's not said anything but is showing his agitation by not being up for a chat.....but that's not enough....now the poor guy is being accused of being rude. No, he was irritated but civil. He doesn't owe your daughter a smile.

He wasn't civil - OP said so herself, & she was there, while you are inventing shit.
He spoke with a "fuck off tone".

Nobody is allowed to relax until he has grumped around making people walk on eggshells. His DD lives with them part-time, I can;t believe you are defending him with this "someone else's kitchen" bullshit - this is his child FFS.

smashin · 14/03/2023 01:15

@JudgeRudy your opinion is strange. How is she taking liberties by using the kitchen at 9pm? How is making lunch for work the next day considered faffing in the kitchen and not normal usage? Why can’t he sit in another room to eat his kebab…as his takeaway requires zero cooking facilities? If anything, he’s the one faffing by pointlessly going through his inflexible and unwanted cleaning routine when the kitchen is being actively used.

Your posts come across as sexist because you are suggesting his needs trump hers. She doesn’t need to be out of the kitchen by 9pm. That’s the definition of walking on eggshells. Have you also not heard of passive aggression or sarcasm? The tone of the things he says can certainly cause a bad atmosphere. It’s human nature to be able to convey rudeness by tone alone.

FelicityFlops · 14/03/2023 01:19

No, it is not.
Tell whomever you need that you are tired or out of sorts and apologise if you are impolite or short-tempered.

smashin · 14/03/2023 01:21

Personally I like being left alone a lot of the time but it’s not an excuse to be short with someone who hasn’t done anything wrong. No one likes a Jekyll and Hyde personality or someone that blows hot and cold. His mood swings are not her issue. He needs to deal with his emotions properly.

EveSix · 14/03/2023 01:47

Nope, not OK to be grumpy or moody with others, no matter how tired or annoyed you may feel. It's really, really off. DP does this sometimes and it's bloody rude. No wonder you're anxious, OP.

Eyerollcentral · 14/03/2023 01:57

I can’t get past your daughter spending a day here, a day there, where the hell is all her stuff??? Your husband is probably a grumpy arse but would I be delighted to walk in at 9pm to someone cooking and asking in a sitcom way how was your day dad, expecting apparently an animated conversation? No, no I wouldn’t. Why did your daughter start cooking at 9pm in one of her crash pads especially when she knows your husband is a grump and a neat freak after work? Not saying that she has to jump to his tune at all but that would wind me up tbqh and as his daughter in her 20s she must also know it would wind him up. Your daughter sounds a bit princessy to me, huffing because daddy wasn’t sufficiently enthusiastic about chatting to her and wafting in and out of places to stay. 9pm isn’t a normal home time so am assuming either your husband works long hours or has a job with anti social hours, whatever the case seems there is zero understanding of him in his own home which would piss anyone off.

Magenta82 · 14/03/2023 02:06

JudgeRudy · 13/03/2023 23:27

Your daughter might be your daughter but it's his home. It's quite a liberty to be cooking in someone else's kitchen at 9pm when you know ull well he's gonna come home after a long day ready to eat his supper and likes a tidy home.
He's not said anything but is showing his agitation by not being up for a chat.....but that's not enough....now the poor guy is being accused of being rude. No, he was irritated but civil. He doesn't owe your daughter a smile.

It's the daughter's home as well really, she is a student and staying with family to attend uni, so her parents house is still her home.

OP it might be better to think of it like this as there are 3 of you and you are all important. At the moment it seems like you tiptoe around your husband to avoid conflict and he takes advantage of this.

Partyandbullshit · 14/03/2023 02:07

I am your DH. I’m twitching just thinking about coming home at 9pm to someone cooking in my kitchen. It would take a lot for me to bite my tongue. I do, for my young DC. Not sure I’d have much patience with a 23yo who’s sofa surfing though. I wouldn’t be rude, ever, but I’d definitely make clear this is my house so my rules. My dc will always be welcome, but they can live however they want in their own homes. As a consequence, I do everything in my house and that’s totally fine with me. In fact, it gives me great satisfaction. It’s to do with not being able to have a calm mind in not-calm surroundings, about everything needing to be in its correct place (within reason) and clean and tidy. I just can’t settle if my surroundings aren’t settled. It is difficult for people to live with me, for sure. The failing is mine. I can be short or terse, but never rude (that’s ingrained).

GoodChat · 14/03/2023 02:13

He sounds like a tool.
I could understand if she'd left a mess and he wanted to cook and had to tidy up after her before he could - that would be annoying - but he didn't even want to use the kitchen.

FortofPud · 14/03/2023 02:17

Not exactly ok to be rude, but it does happen because we're all human. For me, the key would be whether that person was able to trun round and say "yes, sorry, I was being a bit of a git because I'm exhausted". The passing off of it as normal behaviour, even after the fact when things have cooled, would be very hard to take.

smashin · 14/03/2023 02:17

@Partyandbullshit what is inherently wrong about using the kitchen at 9pm? It might be that your sense of time is skewed if you have young kids as presumably they’re in bed early and noises from the kitchen might wake them, plus you might be generally more tired than other adults who don’t live with young children. For an all-adult household, being in the kitchen at 9pm isn’t “twitch” worthy.

Testina · 14/03/2023 02:18

What’s with the she “experiences” it as rude nonsense?
You were there.
He was rude.
He sounds like an arsehole.

Snugglemonkey · 14/03/2023 02:21

PaigeMatthews · 13/03/2023 22:40

I dont know how you want people to vote.

but if your dd is sofa surfing to avoid living at your home and her father behaves like a dick every evening, he is being unreasonable

she asked him how is day was. Perfectly normal.
he responded by being a nasty prick. Not normal.

you darent speak even though you know it isnt acceptable because you know that would make your life worse. He sounds like a bully.

He does. It is not ok.

Magenta82 · 14/03/2023 02:24

Partyandbullshit · 14/03/2023 02:07

I am your DH. I’m twitching just thinking about coming home at 9pm to someone cooking in my kitchen. It would take a lot for me to bite my tongue. I do, for my young DC. Not sure I’d have much patience with a 23yo who’s sofa surfing though. I wouldn’t be rude, ever, but I’d definitely make clear this is my house so my rules. My dc will always be welcome, but they can live however they want in their own homes. As a consequence, I do everything in my house and that’s totally fine with me. In fact, it gives me great satisfaction. It’s to do with not being able to have a calm mind in not-calm surroundings, about everything needing to be in its correct place (within reason) and clean and tidy. I just can’t settle if my surroundings aren’t settled. It is difficult for people to live with me, for sure. The failing is mine. I can be short or terse, but never rude (that’s ingrained).

Her DH is rude and nasty, I'm not sure why you would want to admit to being like him.

Their daughter is not sofa surfing, she is a student.

What is wrong with making lunch for the next day at 9pm?

Eyerollcentral · 14/03/2023 02:28

smashin · 14/03/2023 02:17

@Partyandbullshit what is inherently wrong about using the kitchen at 9pm? It might be that your sense of time is skewed if you have young kids as presumably they’re in bed early and noises from the kitchen might wake them, plus you might be generally more tired than other adults who don’t live with young children. For an all-adult household, being in the kitchen at 9pm isn’t “twitch” worthy.

I wouldn’t want to come in at 9pm tired from work and have someone messing about in the kitchen. It would annoy me as I’d want to relax after a long day at work. Why couldn’t the daughter do it earlier? It’s inconsiderate of someone working long hours, you are already knackered when you get in and then some clampet wants to have a chat about your day and takes the huff when you aren’t sunny enough in demeanour. No thanks and please F off so I can eat my dinner in peace.

Partyandbullshit · 14/03/2023 02:32

Magenta82 · 14/03/2023 02:24

Her DH is rude and nasty, I'm not sure why you would want to admit to being like him.

Their daughter is not sofa surfing, she is a student.

What is wrong with making lunch for the next day at 9pm?

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I’m neither rude nor nasty, and honestly I don’t think her DH sounds nasty (rude maybe).

The DD sounds like a sofa surfing student. A few days here, a few days there. Nowhere stable. I don’t mean a literal sofa (or literally surfing!).

9pm is no time to be faffing in the kitchen, to me. Perhaps it’s as a PP says: children are long in bed, having been up since the crack of dawn. Maybe it won’t be that way when they’re 23+. But then I’d be telling them to leave the kitchen exactly as they found it!

Magenta82 · 14/03/2023 02:47

Partyandbullshit · 14/03/2023 02:32

I’m neither rude nor nasty, and honestly I don’t think her DH sounds nasty (rude maybe).

The DD sounds like a sofa surfing student. A few days here, a few days there. Nowhere stable. I don’t mean a literal sofa (or literally surfing!).

9pm is no time to be faffing in the kitchen, to me. Perhaps it’s as a PP says: children are long in bed, having been up since the crack of dawn. Maybe it won’t be that way when they’re 23+. But then I’d be telling them to leave the kitchen exactly as they found it!

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To me it sounds like this is the DDs home and she stays at her aunt's in order to go to uni and sometimes visits her boyfriend. This is not some kind of moral failure that requires judgment and dismissal.

He is nasty because everyone has to tiptoe round him, he is rude and the OP hates conflict so is afraid to tell him he is rude. Perhaps the DD would be home more often if she was more welcome by her father and supported by her mother when she was doing nothing wrong.

The DD was in the middle of cooking, there is nothing to suggest that she wouldn't have cleared up after herself.

Eyerollcentral · 14/03/2023 02:53

Magenta82 · 14/03/2023 02:47

To me it sounds like this is the DDs home and she stays at her aunt's in order to go to uni and sometimes visits her boyfriend. This is not some kind of moral failure that requires judgment and dismissal.

He is nasty because everyone has to tiptoe round him, he is rude and the OP hates conflict so is afraid to tell him he is rude. Perhaps the DD would be home more often if she was more welcome by her father and supported by her mother when she was doing nothing wrong.

The DD was in the middle of cooking, there is nothing to suggest that she wouldn't have cleared up after herself.

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Why was she cooking at 9pm? The daughter needs to be a bit more considerate.

Magenta82 · 14/03/2023 03:00

Eyerollcentral · 14/03/2023 02:53

Why was she cooking at 9pm? The daughter needs to be a bit more considerate.

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What is wrong with cooking at 9pm? How is it inconsiderate? The husband didn't need the kitchen he had a kebab, so she wasn't in his way, everyone was awake, so she wasn't waking them up by setting the fire alarm off or something.

JudgeRudy · 14/03/2023 03:12

smashin · 14/03/2023 01:15

@JudgeRudy your opinion is strange. How is she taking liberties by using the kitchen at 9pm? How is making lunch for work the next day considered faffing in the kitchen and not normal usage? Why can’t he sit in another room to eat his kebab…as his takeaway requires zero cooking facilities? If anything, he’s the one faffing by pointlessly going through his inflexible and unwanted cleaning routine when the kitchen is being actively used.

Your posts come across as sexist because you are suggesting his needs trump hers. She doesn’t need to be out of the kitchen by 9pm. That’s the definition of walking on eggshells. Have you also not heard of passive aggression or sarcasm? The tone of the things he says can certainly cause a bad atmosphere. It’s human nature to be able to convey rudeness by tone alone.

No idea why you thinknmy opinion sexist becausecit differs from yours. Id have felt the same if it was the son in the kitchen, or mum coming in from work. It's his house. She's a guest. Nothing wrong with using your own kitchen in your own home when you like but if I was in someone else's house I'd make sure I used it anytime really except when I knew he'd be in.
He was off. He wasn't rude, or nasty. He conveyed that he wasn't up for conversation. That's not so odd. I suspect OP has anxiety. This sounds like a non event to me.

JudgeRudy · 14/03/2023 03:18

Corcomroe · 13/03/2023 23:32

Isn’t she the DH’s daughter, too? And it’s also her home in that she doesn’t have a place of her own?

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I'll assume its his daughter too yes. I disagree it's her home any more.

Ponderingwindow · 14/03/2023 03:24

It is seeming like everyone is disrespecting everyone in this household.

the husband not being able to accept that people can be mid task and will clean up after themselves when done.

the family for not recognizing that sometimes when someone gets home they just want to be able to sit quietly and decompress, without having to make any conversation

the living situation seems really odd even for a student. Does she not have a primary residence? Do you not get notice that she will be coming back to stay with you during breaks? Surely there is a schedule and she doesn’t just turn up with no notice, especially if she expects to be able to bring other people to your home.

Eyerollcentral · 14/03/2023 03:26

Magenta82 · 14/03/2023 03:00

What is wrong with cooking at 9pm? How is it inconsiderate? The husband didn't need the kitchen he had a kebab, so she wasn't in his way, everyone was awake, so she wasn't waking them up by setting the fire alarm off or something.

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It’s inconsiderate when you know your father or mother is coming home from a long day at work. No human being who has worked a long day, is tired and hungry wants to come in to someone f’ing about in the kitchen. You just want peace to eat and relax. Not extractor fan on, clattering about, water running, etc., no one can cook in silence, we all know that. The considerate thing is to give the person coming home from work some space and quiet. Why couldn’t the daughter do it earlier?