Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge - long term time holiday in year 11

98 replies

johnjomcflynn · 13/03/2023 14:04

My DD is furious today. One of her best friends flew off to New Zealand yesterday for a month to attend a family wedding.
The girls are in yr11, so about to sit GCSEs. Her friend will miss 3 weeks of school and return home in the Easter holidays.
DD is feeling the pressure at school, is being a typical hormonal teen, but is now doubly pissed of that she needs to stay here and revise but her friend was allowed to swan off on holiday. It's really not helped with her motivation!
I'm just thinking WTF, it's year 11, GCSE YEAR! It's a cousin getting married, only a small number of family members live there (they emigrated from the UK).
On the one hand it's an amazing opportunity to travel and have new experiences, but now is the worst possible time to do it.
(School are setting work but they will get fined, family accept that).
AIBU to judge? It's not my child but it's kind of affecting my child (and of course I'm a little bit jealous...!)

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 13/03/2023 21:49

Pretty neglectful thing to do IMO. I’d judge away.

you only get one opportunity to do well.

Sarahcoggles · 13/03/2023 22:00

Bonkers time to take a kid away, and suggests the parents don't really prioritise her education. I can see it's frustrating for you OP, as naturally your DD will feel hard done by. Nothing you can do though.

BeGentlePeeps · 13/03/2023 22:07

Yep. I’d judge this. Internally and anonymously on MN of course.

I think it’s crazy parenting (to take your child away for 3 weeks Y11) but we are a pretty academically orientated family who work on the ethos that getting the best grades they can keeps their opportunities and choices open that big longer- keep doors open rather than seeing them close at this young age.

To be fair many of my peers, both from school and now as adults/ parents, were much more ‘relaxed’ about school attainment and have equally if not more contented lives so 🤷‍♀️

Horses for Courses etc etc

Tough for your daughter though. I’d be aggrieved at 15y too! The concept of delayed gratification, actions & consequences etc can be hard to grasp as a teenager.

PhukOph · 13/03/2023 23:02

Yeah definitely none of your business. Your time would be better spent helping to teach your daughter not to be a jealous arse too.

Youdoyoubabe · 13/03/2023 23:04

Umm.... mind your business..... maybe...

TomatoesAndPeaches · 13/03/2023 23:07

Your daughter needs to be concentrating on herself and her own education
Being jealous of others wont get her anywhere

And its nothing to do with you

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 13/03/2023 23:09

It's interesting. When I started reading your post, I assumed that your dd was furious about her friend's parents taking her friend out of school for so long in a crucial exam year, because it would obviously disadvantage the girl in her exams. In other words, I thought she was furious on behalf of her friend, not jealous!

Her friend's holiday really has no impact on your dd, it's an odd thing for her to be angry about. I'd say that you both need to stop worrying quite so much about what other people and focus more on what your dd needs to get through the next few months happily and successfully.

fUNNYfACE36 · 13/03/2023 23:41

They have mostly finished the syllabus now so she might as well revise in NZ

Dobby123456 · 14/03/2023 08:19

Untrusting · 13/03/2023 21:29

MN is so weird sometimes.

I guarantee op if you'd have said that you were thinking of your pulling your year 11 dd out of school for 3 weeks to save a bit of cash on a holiday then the vast majority of posters would have piled in here jumping over themselves to say how selfish you are being and how you are going to ruin your dd's future, but because it's about SOMEONE ELSE then god forbid you 'judge' them. This is despite the post being on the AIBU board which is literally the whole point of AIBU Hmm

I think the weird thing about it is being jealous. Being jealous of other people's holidays at any time of the year is a bit odd.

Ponoka7 · 14/03/2023 08:32

underneaththeash · 13/03/2023 21:49

Pretty neglectful thing to do IMO. I’d judge away.

you only get one opportunity to do well.

Do resits not happen anymore? Have they closed down the different routes to university and on job training? It might amaze people on here but I know people who are happy and earn enough who never went to university. I had a fantastic time as a SAHM then did a degree. It's sad the pressure people put on their teens.

OP, talk her through this. We've all worked with arseholes who resent, maternity/sick leave and other granted leave etc. Likewise at University there'll be extensions granted, that some resent because of petty envy.

underneaththeash · 14/03/2023 08:54

Ponoka7 · 14/03/2023 08:32

Do resits not happen anymore? Have they closed down the different routes to university and on job training? It might amaze people on here but I know people who are happy and earn enough who never went to university. I had a fantastic time as a SAHM then did a degree. It's sad the pressure people put on their teens.

OP, talk her through this. We've all worked with arseholes who resent, maternity/sick leave and other granted leave etc. Likewise at University there'll be extensions granted, that some resent because of petty envy.

Show quote history

You'd honestly make their final years of education more difficult for a wedding.
It's very difficult to re-sit multiple GCSEs
Do you actually have children?

EarthlyNightshade · 14/03/2023 11:41

Ponoka7 · 14/03/2023 08:32

Do resits not happen anymore? Have they closed down the different routes to university and on job training? It might amaze people on here but I know people who are happy and earn enough who never went to university. I had a fantastic time as a SAHM then did a degree. It's sad the pressure people put on their teens.

OP, talk her through this. We've all worked with arseholes who resent, maternity/sick leave and other granted leave etc. Likewise at University there'll be extensions granted, that some resent because of petty envy.

Show quote history

People do put a lot of pressure on teens that is for sure.

However, expecting them to attend school in the run up to important exams is fairly standard rather than being unusually pressuring.
Resits are not straightforward and keeping as many doors open as possible is usually advisable at this age.

LlynTegid · 14/03/2023 11:43

The system is what should be criticised not those who use it. Repeat offenders should be taken to court and have passports withdrawn, though I doubt this family would fall into such a rule.

megletthesecond · 14/03/2023 11:43

I'd judge too. DS did the same as one of his year 11 mates is off on term time holiday soon.

Weallgottachangesometime · 14/03/2023 14:41

LlynTegid · 14/03/2023 11:43

The system is what should be criticised not those who use it. Repeat offenders should be taken to court and have passports withdrawn, though I doubt this family would fall into such a rule.

In my experience children who have problematic, ongoing, very low attendance at school and whose life chances are being affected by it wouldn’t be helped by their parent being taken to court. Their attendance issues are less about holidays and more about things like parental neglect, mental health issues, school refusal, inability of the education system to meet their needs.

I honestly think the focus on attendance being impacted by holiday (granted this is a month long holiday so more significant than most holidays) is ridiculous. In the long run I doubt a few weeks off school for holiday will have a highly detrimental impact on a child whose generally a good attender and from a loving supportive home. I think the focus should be on children being lost from education system completely - children who are out of school because their previous school can’t meet their needs and the LA can’t find one that will or children whose parents are neglectful all round etc.

Lcb123 · 14/03/2023 14:44

Absolutely none of yours or DD business,
and she needs to learn that: life is unfair! Just concentrate on her own studies, and get on with her life

Lcb123 · 14/03/2023 14:45

As long as my kids were doing ok, I’d take them out in term time. Life is short, exams don’t matter in bigger picture.

Original poster
johnjomcflynn · 14/03/2023 15:55

Lcb123 · 14/03/2023 14:45

As long as my kids were doing ok, I’d take them out in term time. Life is short, exams don’t matter in bigger picture.

But your GCSEs are quite important at this stage of your life...

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 14/03/2023 16:06

Weallgottachangesometime · 14/03/2023 14:41

In my experience children who have problematic, ongoing, very low attendance at school and whose life chances are being affected by it wouldn’t be helped by their parent being taken to court. Their attendance issues are less about holidays and more about things like parental neglect, mental health issues, school refusal, inability of the education system to meet their needs.

I honestly think the focus on attendance being impacted by holiday (granted this is a month long holiday so more significant than most holidays) is ridiculous. In the long run I doubt a few weeks off school for holiday will have a highly detrimental impact on a child whose generally a good attender and from a loving supportive home. I think the focus should be on children being lost from education system completely - children who are out of school because their previous school can’t meet their needs and the LA can’t find one that will or children whose parents are neglectful all round etc.

Show quote history

I am not advocating very low attendance as a reason. I am advocating those who have time off repeatedly to go on holiday, because it is cheaper to go in term time.

maddy68 · 14/03/2023 16:27

It has nothing to do with you.

PatchworkElmer · 14/03/2023 16:29

I wouldn’t do it but it’s up to them. Tell your DD to keep her head down and focus on the end game.

My best friend’s parents took her out for 2 weeks right before our exams. Apparently it’d be fine because her mum would write her revision notes for her. Shockingly, she had to resit to get the grades she needed.

Weallgottachangesometime · 14/03/2023 20:02

LlynTegid · 14/03/2023 16:06

I am not advocating very low attendance as a reason. I am advocating those who have time off repeatedly to go on holiday, because it is cheaper to go in term time.

Show quote history

What would taking parents to court for holidays achieve? Would it improve outcomes for children? Would criminalising their parents help them?

Why focus on children out of school for a holiday when there are children actually massively vulnerable, neglected or with unmet needs who it would’ve better to focus On with some actual meaningful intervention.

Fine/court for low attendance is ineffective and pointless. Also inconsistent given private school children wouldn’t be fined and parents can simply write a letter to withdraw their child from school permanently. Honestly the over emphasis on attendance in recent years has been ridiculous.

PinkSyCo · 14/03/2023 21:29

Your DD is furious? Really? And about something one of her ‘best friends’ is doing too? Blimey I could maybe understand a bit miffed/slightly envious but….. 😳. I just hope this girl has other, better best friends than your daughter!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page