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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge - long term time holiday in year 11

98 replies

johnjomcflynn · 13/03/2023 14:04

My DD is furious today. One of her best friends flew off to New Zealand yesterday for a month to attend a family wedding.
The girls are in yr11, so about to sit GCSEs. Her friend will miss 3 weeks of school and return home in the Easter holidays.
DD is feeling the pressure at school, is being a typical hormonal teen, but is now doubly pissed of that she needs to stay here and revise but her friend was allowed to swan off on holiday. It's really not helped with her motivation!
I'm just thinking WTF, it's year 11, GCSE YEAR! It's a cousin getting married, only a small number of family members live there (they emigrated from the UK).
On the one hand it's an amazing opportunity to travel and have new experiences, but now is the worst possible time to do it.
(School are setting work but they will get fined, family accept that).
AIBU to judge? It's not my child but it's kind of affecting my child (and of course I'm a little bit jealous...!)

OP posts:
Albiboba · 13/03/2023 14:35

SleepingStandingUp · 13/03/2023 14:24

I'd judge too. All the "I've never judged anyone ever posters" are being disingenuous, it's ok to judge. Just keep it to MN / partner / your safe space whilst telling the teen to suck it up cos she wouldn't be going to NZ any way

What exactly is there to judge though?

FourTeaFallOut · 13/03/2023 14:37

Are you all imagining some '90s school throwback in which kids are just released into the wild from this point in y11?

In reality, the school machinery is cranked to full steam, lessons are in full swing, projects are being completed, additional lessons are added to the end of the day. Some kids are on courses in some schools in which the curriculum still hasn't been covered in its entirety.

Perhaps this girl is so smart that the disruption is immaterial or so thick that nobody cares? Assuming that she falls within the broad strokes of normal student, then this is a cavalier act that puts all the disadvantages on her shoulders. It's a shit thing to do.

EarthlyNightshade · 13/03/2023 14:39

I'd judge too. I have a Y11 and there is no way we would take a month off. Curriculum not finished, this year are still catching up from Covid in many state schools, including where we are. Revision classes at Easter (optional) and many practical exams happening in the coming weeks.
If no one judged, there would just be OPs and no threads.

I would also be super jealous of a month in New Zealand!

whatkatydid2013 · 13/03/2023 14:40

Agree it seems a terrible time to take a child out of school for a month but maybe family is funding trip for them and it’s a once in a lifetime thing. I don’t think I’d do it and I would wonder at why someone else had. It’s a bit unreasonable to say it impacts your DD though. Really it’s changed nothing for her at all

SleepingStandingUp · 13/03/2023 14:40

Albiboba · 13/03/2023 14:35

What exactly is there to judge though?

Show quote history

pulling their exam bound kid out of school for 3 weeks when they're meant to be finalising and consolidating their learning because no way are they spending a similar amount of time when they're travelling, seeing family, partying, and enjoying NZ. I don't think that's the best exam prep.

A close friend I might express my surprise, anything less I'd never comment.

My point was MN gets a bit "how dare you ever judge anyone for anything, I have never had a judgemental thought about anyone, not even you whom I'm judging for judging"

Houseplantmad · 13/03/2023 14:40

I imagine, as it’s a planned event, the friend has sorted how/when she is going to revise to make up for the time away. She may have done more before she went anyway.
We went to Australia over Christmas and DD had uni exams in early Jan. She did well but that’s because she had planned time for revision, before we went, on the flights and while we were there.
It can be done with no impact on results.

FourTeaFallOut · 13/03/2023 14:44

Well, yes, uni exams - we were all off for acres of time prior to uni exams. It's a bit bloody different .

Justalittlebitduckling · 13/03/2023 14:49

If she’s sensible and motivated and will do the work that’s been set she’ll probably be all right. Even if she misses some content, the chances of that piece of content coming up across all her subjects are very slim, so what’s the worse that can happen? She drops a grade in a couple of subjects?

Briallen · 13/03/2023 14:51

Some responses are a bit OTT. The op is only judging in her head and on here not to her child or to anyone IRL! I’d be a bit surprised at a year 11 being out of school for a month too! And a bit jealous of a New Zealand hol if I was your daughter!

FourTeaFallOut · 13/03/2023 14:52

So what’s the worse that can happen? She drops a grade in a couple of subjects?

That dropping a grade gets in the way of studying the courses you want and the college that you want? That she ends up scrambling for a college that will take her when the results come in? That she has to re-sit exams?

Original poster
johnjomcflynn · 13/03/2023 14:54

Justalittlebitduckling · 13/03/2023 14:49

If she’s sensible and motivated and will do the work that’s been set she’ll probably be all right. Even if she misses some content, the chances of that piece of content coming up across all her subjects are very slim, so what’s the worse that can happen? She drops a grade in a couple of subjects?

As far as I'm aware DD and her friend are pretty similar academically. Pretty average students, not super smart or motivated but will do ok if pushed.

OP posts:
DorritLittle · 13/03/2023 14:54

I’d judge. Then start googling holidays. To take after GCSEs, obvs.

Flamingogirl08 · 13/03/2023 14:55

Justalittlebitduckling · 13/03/2023 14:49

If she’s sensible and motivated and will do the work that’s been set she’ll probably be all right. Even if she misses some content, the chances of that piece of content coming up across all her subjects are very slim, so what’s the worse that can happen? She drops a grade in a couple of subjects?

Yeah I agree. It depends what type of student she is. I'm sure her parents are confident she will be fine.

Something she will remember forever is a fabulous trip in New Zealand. She may forget what grade she got in GCSE Geography.

shard5 · 13/03/2023 14:58

I think judging is normal but was your dd planning a holiday in term time and refused permission? That's how her reaction makes it sound.

Cantseethewindows · 13/03/2023 15:00

Not the point of your post, but as a teacher I hate setting work for pupils on term-time holidays - if you're not sticking to your end of the deal, then why should I go out of my way to help you? I only do it if I am specifically asked and even then I often forget anyways

carriedout · 13/03/2023 15:02

I think judging is a negative trait overall.

If we truly want a free society, we have to accept people do things differently. That's why I try not to judge different choices. This person will pay the fine and make their own choice anyway.

shard5 · 13/03/2023 15:02

She's probably been given past papers to practice, I doubt she's got actual work set when they're only a couple of months from exams

MatildaJayne · 13/03/2023 15:04

You should have posted on the secondary ed board, I bet you'd have got quite a different response. Wink

Deathbyfluffy · 13/03/2023 15:05

A great time to teach your daughter about staying in her own lane - it's nothing to do with her, if her friend wants to skip a load of school at a crucial time that's her own issue.

EarthlyNightshade · 13/03/2023 15:09

MatildaJayne · 13/03/2023 15:04

You should have posted on the secondary ed board, I bet you'd have got quite a different response. Wink

Indeed. The explosion of judgement would be seen from space!

Flamingogirl08 · 13/03/2023 15:10

MatildaJayne · 13/03/2023 15:04

You should have posted on the secondary ed board, I bet you'd have got quite a different response. Wink

I've never looked at that board but you made me curious.

Wow some people are intense aren't they 🤣

Radiatorvalves · 13/03/2023 15:31

While it’s not for me to judge, there is no way I’d be doing that. We usually have a week away at Easter and my sons (gcse and A levels) have vetoed it. I’ll spend the time dreaming about nice hols…

VickyEadieofThigh · 13/03/2023 15:42

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/03/2023 14:10

Also, how much new stuff are they learning at this point in the year? Isn't it all revision and mock tests? So maybe her parents are maintaining revision levels abroad.

Many subjects WILL still be coverning curriculum at this point but in any case - if children could manage not to be in school for a month at this point, they'd be sent on study leave NOW, wouldn't they? The "revision and mock tests" are done for a reason!

It's naive to believe that any student will maintain revision/study at the appropriate level if they go off on holiday for a month at this point.

PollyPut · 13/03/2023 15:42

The other child will be jetlagged, waste loads of travel time, won't be able to talk to her mates for help in realtime in the holidays if they need help with revision. No teachers to ask for help. It's not going to help her GCSE chances and it's going to be quite hard to revise when there are so many other exciting things to do.

Can you focus with your DD on summer hols and what you will do post-GCSE?

TeaAndBrie · 13/03/2023 15:44

I have DD in year 11 and I know that she would react exactly the same as your DD. They don’t have rational thought at the best of times and they’re living on a knife edge with all of the pressure and the clock counting down to the real exams.
Anything can set them off as they are feeling it so much right now. As much as my DD would love the idea of a long trip away I know it would actually add to her stress levels and I don’t think it would actually be the fun experience it sounds at this stage of school.

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