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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really embarrassed of my car

51 replies

Mummy2to2 · 12/03/2023 20:13

This might be a long one but don’t want to be accused of drip feeding! so here goes:

I'm really embarrassed of my car, it’s a decent average car not an expensive make at all but decent enough. The issue is it’s rusting away and has lots of dents. The last straw for me was last week when the back of it hung off! I tried to repair it with superglue which did the job but again this morning it’s hanging off. I feel embarrassed doing the school run even more tomorrow now. I don’t have enough money to get it repaired at the garage.

Tried to speak to husband but his reaction was if I’m so bothered I should f*ing pay for it. I work part time due to childcare but I’m planning to go back to work FT when youngest is in school. Honestly I don’t have much left over after nursery fees.( We only get 15 hours as DH is a high earner).

I gave up a career to raise our kids and my husband earns a lot of money - he’s a partner so you can imagine on his wage we could easily afford a nice car but he refuses as he uses the tube all the time and rarely drives.

I’ve changed my username but in the past I have posted about him which some might remember that he was giving random women on the internet thousands of pounds in return for nothing. You all helped me and told me it was “findom” and he’s getting off on it. I know he’s really creepy and I know the reaction was to leave which I can’t right now. I will at done point but not right now.

what upsets me is I feel I’m living like this with no money, no decent clothes and a crappy car whilst he does whatever he wants with his money. I’m really fed up. I actually want to write more but I just can’t get the words out, sorry it might become a drip feed as I try to find the right words I’m trying to use.

my question is what must other parents think of me? My 2 eldest kids go to a private school and I see the looks I get from the mums when I turn up in my banger! I know I shouldn’t care what others think but it’s embarrassing. I try to avoid eye contact when I’m there and it’s affecting my self esteem. I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in wanting him to at least get the car repaired if not buy a decent one. I kind of feel he’s getting some kind of satisfaction seeing me in this position, I know the other mums definitely judge me especially as I look a mess on most days due to feeling utterly fed up, please be kind!

OP posts:
ObamaLlamas · 12/03/2023 20:16

Tell him to go fuck himself. Buy a car, do you have access to the savings? If not that's abuse. Go back to work full time and tell him to sort out the childcare. If he says no say he can buy you the car you needs for your kids and nursery fees etc jointly paid or you're leaving.

ObamaLlamas · 12/03/2023 20:16

Remind him if you leave, as you're married you'll get 50% of everything he has.

Isthisexpected · 12/03/2023 20:16

Please don't worry about what others think of your car. If I was a mum who knew you, looking on the outside I would only feel compassion for you and wonder how I could support you to see you're being financially abused. This man is enjoying the power he has over you. It's so wrong.

Have you ever talked this through with someone else you trust or women's aid for example?

Commonsensitivity · 12/03/2023 20:18

YANBU. He's financially abusing you. You deserve a nice car if he's on a wage where he can give 1,000s away. Divorce and get a shit hot lawyer. Why does he let his wife live like that. So sad x

KindergartenKop · 12/03/2023 20:19

If you divorced him not only would you get 50% of his money but he'd have to have the kids 50% of the time, which would include sorting out their childcare!

sixfoot · 12/03/2023 20:20

Divorce. Only option. He’s AWFUL.

LubaLuca · 12/03/2023 20:22

For the love of God, you mustn't put yourself through any more of this. He's awful. Get yourself divorced and try not the think of the years you wasted with this pig.

Original poster
Mummy2to2 · 12/03/2023 20:23

No I don’t have access to the savings account. He’s never wanted to open a joint one so I only have access to my own money that I earn.

I did contact Womens aid last time for my area but honestly I found them to be no help. He will find a way to stop me getting any access to any money if we divorce he’s told me as much. I don’t think the women know about my situation as I don’t really speak to them.

OP posts:
Kranke · 12/03/2023 20:25

He can’t stop you getting access to money following divorce. Call his bluff. Even if he could, you’d be better off. This is no way to live.

timeforchampagne · 12/03/2023 20:29

Surely leaving him is the best option here

he sounds utterly vile and it sounds like a crap relationship

VeniVidiWeeWee · 12/03/2023 20:33

KindergartenKop · 12/03/2023 20:19

If you divorced him not only would you get 50% of his money but he'd have to have the kids 50% of the time, which would include sorting out their childcare!

Not true.

DemonSpawn · 12/03/2023 20:38

Just divorce him now!

CalistoNoSolo · 12/03/2023 20:38

You can get free initial consultations with most solicitors, I suggest your next step is to get important documents together and then book a consult with a good divorce lawyer. You're being financially abused, you need to be proactive and do something about it. Wringing your hands about the state of your car and ignoring the bigger picture is only helping your husband.

KindergartenKop · 12/03/2023 20:39

@VeniVidiWeeWee you're right. He wouldn't HAVE to look after the kids 50% of the time but I always feel like dads like this should bear the burden of childcare!

hattie43 · 12/03/2023 20:39

Why do so many women put up with this financially inequality. Husband earns loads but chooses to keep his wife / kids in an old rust bucket . Bin him off he has no respect for you or your family

VeniVidiWeeWee · 12/03/2023 20:47

KindergartenKop · 12/03/2023 20:39

@VeniVidiWeeWee you're right. He wouldn't HAVE to look after the kids 50% of the time but I always feel like dads like this should bear the burden of childcare!

OP wouldn't automatically get 50% either.

Original poster
Mummy2to2 · 12/03/2023 20:52

I did get legal advice and yes they also said I wouldn’t exactly get the money straight away either. There could be a long drawn out course case. DH works in the field so he knows all the tricks and I know he would make life really hard for me and the kids just to prove he can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummy2to2 · 12/03/2023 20:53

*court

OP posts:
Commonsensitivity · 12/03/2023 20:59

I feel enraged on your behalf op. He's obviously enjoying depriving you. Or at least controlling you through money. Be careful if leaving. He sounds controlling. Go grey rock. Look for full time work. Carefully extracate yourself. Get professional help and advice.

Calmdown14 · 12/03/2023 21:17

.....misses point of thread...but if you need to stick something back on the car you need an epoxy like araldite. That will hold better

timeforchampagne · 12/03/2023 22:16

But he gives you no money now anyway so the only difference is you wouldn’t be stuck living with this dickhead

Isthisexpected · 12/03/2023 23:27

If you already have no money then what's the difference though?

cadburyegg · 12/03/2023 23:32

Mummy2to2 · 12/03/2023 20:23

No I don’t have access to the savings account. He’s never wanted to open a joint one so I only have access to my own money that I earn.

I did contact Womens aid last time for my area but honestly I found them to be no help. He will find a way to stop me getting any access to any money if we divorce he’s told me as much. I don’t think the women know about my situation as I don’t really speak to them.

He can say what he likes, doesn't make it true.

Assuming the kids would live with you, you'd probably get more than 50% in a divorce if he is a high earner.

Can you go to a solicitor and ask advice? A lot of them do free 30 min consultations.

Put it this way, would you be happy with your children being in a relationship like this? if you carry on putting up with it then you're unintentionally teaching them that this is what normal relationships are like

cadburyegg · 12/03/2023 23:34

Sorry just seen you've been to a solicitor

Many solicitors advise against going to court tbh. They want to settle out of court. If your h wants that then he'd have to pay more too.

I mean life is already hard for you and the kids

Ukka · 13/03/2023 00:17

Don’t have anything to add but how sad. I hope you leave him. When I was a SAHM, DH never deprived me of anything

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