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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really embarrassed of my car

51 replies

Mummy2to2 · 12/03/2023 20:13

This might be a long one but don’t want to be accused of drip feeding! so here goes:

I'm really embarrassed of my car, it’s a decent average car not an expensive make at all but decent enough. The issue is it’s rusting away and has lots of dents. The last straw for me was last week when the back of it hung off! I tried to repair it with superglue which did the job but again this morning it’s hanging off. I feel embarrassed doing the school run even more tomorrow now. I don’t have enough money to get it repaired at the garage.

Tried to speak to husband but his reaction was if I’m so bothered I should f*ing pay for it. I work part time due to childcare but I’m planning to go back to work FT when youngest is in school. Honestly I don’t have much left over after nursery fees.( We only get 15 hours as DH is a high earner).

I gave up a career to raise our kids and my husband earns a lot of money - he’s a partner so you can imagine on his wage we could easily afford a nice car but he refuses as he uses the tube all the time and rarely drives.

I’ve changed my username but in the past I have posted about him which some might remember that he was giving random women on the internet thousands of pounds in return for nothing. You all helped me and told me it was “findom” and he’s getting off on it. I know he’s really creepy and I know the reaction was to leave which I can’t right now. I will at done point but not right now.

what upsets me is I feel I’m living like this with no money, no decent clothes and a crappy car whilst he does whatever he wants with his money. I’m really fed up. I actually want to write more but I just can’t get the words out, sorry it might become a drip feed as I try to find the right words I’m trying to use.

my question is what must other parents think of me? My 2 eldest kids go to a private school and I see the looks I get from the mums when I turn up in my banger! I know I shouldn’t care what others think but it’s embarrassing. I try to avoid eye contact when I’m there and it’s affecting my self esteem. I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable in wanting him to at least get the car repaired if not buy a decent one. I kind of feel he’s getting some kind of satisfaction seeing me in this position, I know the other mums definitely judge me especially as I look a mess on most days due to feeling utterly fed up, please be kind!

OP posts:
HowRatherGolly · 13/03/2023 00:29

Oh OP l totally get how you are feeling. I have an old rusty chatmer too, a car that is, divorced the stingy husband back in 2012, my car is divine, trusty and its mine. But l get why you feel the way you do. I think your DH response regarding your car is wrong on many levels.

Witchytwitchybitchy · 13/03/2023 00:41

I am sorry OP. He sounds a right fucker. If I were you, I wouldn’t bother about what it looks like, but rather, tell him you need a safe car for the children as it is dangerous to use an old banger to ferry them about.
He sounds vile.

Deathbyfluffy · 13/03/2023 00:47

KindergartenKop · 12/03/2023 20:39

@VeniVidiWeeWee you're right. He wouldn't HAVE to look after the kids 50% of the time but I always feel like dads like this should bear the burden of childcare!

Then why post that he’d have to have the kids 50% of the time?
As much as everyone is allowed an opinion, your feelings on it aren’t the law and the post wouldn’t help OP in the slightest as it’s incorrect.

Murdoch1949 · 13/03/2023 04:42

Your car is the least of your worries. Within a year it's going to fail it's MOT and something will have to be done. But more importantly you need to plan your escape from your total waste of space husband.

GoodChat · 13/03/2023 04:58

Why the hell are you paying nursery fees if he's a high earner?

Talk to him about him covering a fair share of nursery costs so you can go back to work full time.

Then save as much as you can and leave him.

Fam23 · 13/03/2023 05:43

Could you play him at his own game and ring up the nursery to say the bank payment details have changed and they’ll need to call your husband for the updated ones? He sounds so backwards that he may do it if it’s someone else asking.

jeaux90 · 13/03/2023 06:58

Divorce. He sounds like an utter prick.

Whenharrymetsmelly · 13/03/2023 07:01

I don't blame you (even though you shouldn't care about your car), I'm surprised he's not embarrassed. I would honestly leave him and take half. What a selfish, cheap bastard

Theunamedcat · 13/03/2023 07:06

Tell him people are concerned he is in financial difficulties because of the state of the car

Paq · 13/03/2023 07:08

You're being financially abused. Start to claw back control bit by bit. Your H should be paying for a bigger share of expenses and you need access to all joint accounts and savings.

Good luck.

Alainlechat · 13/03/2023 07:11

If you do want to stay with him and that is a big if in your shoes I would be planning to go back to work FT, get rid of the car, then he can figure out how the children get to school / childcare xx

Pansypotter123 · 13/03/2023 07:16

I agree with other posters here. You are being financially abused. Can you tell us more about your finances - who owns your house, for example, who put down the deposit, how are bills paid?

How long have you been married?

What is your earning potential should you return to work?

Is he ever physically abusive?

Doingmybest12 · 13/03/2023 07:16

I would try to get back into work ft sooner rather than later and make plans to leave ASAP. What a horrible man and father. I hope you have someone in real life to confide in. Please try womens aid again or the freedom programme on line.

FurAndFeathers · 13/03/2023 07:20

Are you saying he doesn’t pay for his children either? Why are you funding childcare?
What happens when you raise that?
who covers household expenses?

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 13/03/2023 07:23

He is a total and utter cunt.

Do you pay all childcare costs??

Hallmark1234 · 13/03/2023 07:35

I do understand how you feel about the car. I've been there, but the bigger issue here is his financial abuse of you.

You really do need to get out now, because he's using you as cheap childcare and as soon as your children are older, he will dump you.

Are you saying he's a solicitor, or maybe barrister to be in a position to know how to dodge paying his fair share? If so, hard as it is, try to find any financial info you can and, as they say, get your ducks in a row, but in the mean time, try not to worry about your car. If you can finally leave, with a decent financial settlement, you can buy your own car and not rely on him.

Salverus · 13/03/2023 07:37

What would happen if you demanded he buy you a new car? I mean properly put your foot down. S

junebirthdaygirl · 13/03/2023 07:56

I wouldn't worry about the car as l found at my dcs school the well off parents often had the worst cars and to me it looked like a lifestyle choice and l couldn't have cared less.
This is probably not good advice but is there any way you could say to him that you will have to talk to his boss about his online activities as you are worried it could cause him to lose his job. Or that you will tell his parents so that they can help you. He might be concerned enough to cough up some money.
But you are going to have to leave soon as you cannot continue to live with this man. Please don't be tied in because he pays for your dc to attend private school. They will do fine at a regular school and be much happier without this horrible creep of a father living in their home.
Can your own family help you?

WhimBarWhey · 13/03/2023 08:03

Good lawyers can get you 60% OP. You need one. Good luck x

Rumplestrumpet · 13/03/2023 08:08

I think what many people are missing is that abusive men like this don't just hand over 50% of their earnings upon divorce. They drag it out and make it difficult for thr woman to get what she's entitled to.

OP - that doesn't mean you should put up with this - you shouldn't. The car is not the issue - It's just a symptom of appalling financial abuse, and both you and your kids deserve better.

I suggest you seek support from people who've gone through similar - the relationships board often have really good advice and support. And if your local women's aid group weren't much help then reach out to another office or group. MANY women have sadly gone through this and can share tips with you.

You will need to plan a way out that will protect you and your kids from his abuse. You don't need to leave now, but you should start getting things in order so you can leave and start a better life for yourselves.

Good luck

Wallywobbles · 13/03/2023 11:41

All lawyers are not equal and cheap doesn't necessarily mean bad. I've had 5 in total. 4 & 5 were brilliant. 1-3 not so good.

You need someone who understands and can prepare the ground as much as possible first. Don't let inaction wreck your future.

And go back to work full time. Sorry horrible to hear. But you are going to need to.

LlynTegid · 13/03/2023 11:43

The issue is not the car, that is just a symptom.

ShiverOfSharks · 13/03/2023 11:58

The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to maximise your earning potential and lay the groundwork for walking away. Can you get back into your career? Up your hours? Start quietly socking away a LTB fund? Quietly copying his pension statements, payslips, bank account information?

championchomping · 13/03/2023 12:07

I think this really is a case of apply for a ft job and tell dh you're going back to work can he sit down and work out how to pay childcare with him. Tell him that as a couple you clearly need more money. Things that bother you include your car falling to pieces and the general lack of autonomy you have over your finances.
I had the same situation with my dh. I went to WA and they couldn't help me because so many women were worse off they told me I'd probably have to move far away. I went to CA and they seemed to believe I could live off my pt salary. I know I could not.
I saw a few solicitors. I really would have been much much worse off divorcing. As would my dc also in private school. A lot of our finances are cash and solicitor told me there's every chance he could spend the cash before anything reaches court and would not be 100% that I'd get anything after this.

So here's what I did.
I went back to work ft (I had to get a new job) I TOLD high earning dh he needs to sit down and work out the cost of child care with me or take time off. If he was unhappy paying childcare he could always quit and we attempt to live on my income and become a sahd.(never going to happen)
I told him I would no longer live like his slave and would be a functioning partner at home which included open finances.

I also paid for myself to get counselling to ensure I could stand up for myself better.
I'm now pt again as wanted to help sc with their school work but now dh is far too afraid to rock the boat if I spend any money. We compromise all the time to ensure the dc have enough of whatever we think is best for them and if he dicks around now I tell him long tales of women who have managed to prosecute their dh for financial abuse and thank goodness it's so much more recognised these days.
All the best OP. Sometimes things take time to sort out. You can start today.

Whapples · 13/03/2023 12:20

I totally understand the struggle of feeling embarrassed about your car. Different reason but my car is constantly dirty as I’m disabled and just don’t have the energy to do it often as I work part time and do the housework. DP does it for me when he has time but he works full time. Try not to worry, the truth is that everyone is worrying about their own stuff and not noticing yours!

Also, really unreasonable of your DP. My head gasket blew last week. I can’t afford to fix it so my DP is as he earns more and has more savings. I will pay him back as/when but we aren’t keeping score and he doesn’t care if I never do. Chances are, I’ll pay him back when I eventually sell it which could be a year or two at least. That’s what partners do.

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