My partner having a lodger

[Biilie82]

So I don’t live with my partner and that isn’t the plan anytime soon.
he has recently decided to take a lodger in so he can make more money. He is in a very high paying job, money is not an issue to him, just says he might as well make an income from his spare room. His house is small and you can hear everything in the next room.
I don’t feel as comfortable when I go now, it feels like a hotel and not a home, the lodger is fine- nice enough guy, but I don’t particularly want to make convo with him in the morning making a brew.
I know it’s not my place and feel free to tell me IABU, just wondered if it would bother anyone else or if I’m just very antisocial!!

OP,

He stays at yours when your house is child free?

And you stayed in his and things balanced out?

He now has a lodger which has understandably made you feel a lot less comfortable at his?

So if you are not careful, he will end up at yours.

So you socialise at yours and he has a paying lodger?

Double win for him.

Red flag for me that he is very very astute and your comfort does not figure in his thoughts.

I would take it that he is very much suiting himself and isn't particularly committed long term.

I would be focused on protecting yourself as you are not on the same page at all.

Do not allow yourself or your home to be used.

I think you need to have a frank discussion including the future after 2 years as partners. It's nice when you're not a materialistic person, but skipping through life without having any thoughts about bills and keeping a roof over your head (especially with kids) is another matter. It does sound as if it's more of a bf/gf situation rather than partners at the moment, and mutually enjoyable up until now.

Having a secure home is not to be underestimated, and gives you many more options. If you did move in together for a trial it would make perfect sense that your bf could go back if it didn't work out for example, while the rent paid his bills at his and he could contribute to your household.

Assuming you have an assured tenancy or own your property (maybe your ex is paying towards the bills) so you don't feel financial pressure, this could change once the kids are grown up though. A small 2 bedroom terrace doesn't sound like a rich persons home to me, but either way you should be thinking about the future..together or not

Good luck with that chat 🙂

I havnt found him rude at all, think we both just feel a little awkward. I wouldn’t be rude or off with him, that would be awful!

I do wonder if he feels I have this attitude of ‘skipping through life’ and I know I’m lucky not to worry about my housing. My ex doesn’t pay anything but we are comfortable in terms of housing costs. I don’t think he wants to move in with me, think the kids might be too much, I’m assuming this, he hasn’t actually said it! Think I need a grown up conversation!

I don't think that's a fair comparison. The DP has the opportunity to stay with OP when the kids aren't there, but OP never has a chance to stay with DP because the lodger is always there. So DP gets time away, but OP does not. The same situation would be if OP always had her kids there, but that's not the case.

I don't think it's that deep. I don't think there is hidden resentment or secret messages. He probably don't mind sharing his space and figured it would be cool to make a bit of extra and decided to get a lodger. Didn't occur to him that it's not for everyone. You can still meet up out and about, him coming for a sleepover at yours, you go to hik to watch a film and then home for the night. No need to pu back (unless you want to) and tell him the truth if he asks. It doesn't have to involve ultimatums or anything. Just changing the set up a bit.

It's his decision but I would feel.uncomfortable going over it will mean he is always at your's which is not good. Perhaps he van pay for a mini break every couple of months? I would not be able to talk freely or want sex if there was someone next door

Yep, the walls are soooo thin and the bedroom is adjourning. Just doesn’t feel very relaxed, he’s not a friend/ family member etc last time I stayed could hear him on his phone, arguing! 🙈 far more than I wanted to hear, early on a Sunday morning 😂

Thank you, I do try and ensure I protect our time, like occasionally if my kids arnt with their dad I will try find alternative arrangements , so I can honour our time together and make him feel like I prioritise him where I can!

Same here!

I've got a lodger at the moment - no sense in leaving a big spare room empty, and having her is building up my savings again after spending £££ doing the house up when I bought it. A friend with a good job in his 40s is going to do the same thing for the same reason. He lives alone and WFH so I think the company will do him good.

No problem with my lodgers bringing home a bf/gf; I just ask they don't bring home one night stands, and they don't try and move anyone in full time.

I quite like the extra life in the house. It also has the bonus that if I'm out then the dog also often gets company / someone to let him out on the garden.

I've had lodgers in the past, but DP was a bit sceptical at first (not his choice though, I own the house) but has come round to the idea and quite likes the lodger.

You'd have to be on a very good income to think that an extra £600 tax free income per month wasn't attractive. You could go on a European holiday every month with that sort of money.

I think YABU because you said you have kids staying with you part of the time, so your house isn't an ideal situation either.

It's his space, his rules.

Of course it is, doesn’t mean I have to love it tho!!!

I might have enjoyed this in my early 20’s it’s not really the lifestyle I want in my 40’s. Think money is just more important to some people and that’s ok.