My partner having a lodger

[Biilie82]

So I don’t live with my partner and that isn’t the plan anytime soon.
he has recently decided to take a lodger in so he can make more money. He is in a very high paying job, money is not an issue to him, just says he might as well make an income from his spare room. His house is small and you can hear everything in the next room.
I don’t feel as comfortable when I go now, it feels like a hotel and not a home, the lodger is fine- nice enough guy, but I don’t particularly want to make convo with him in the morning making a brew.
I know it’s not my place and feel free to tell me IABU, just wondered if it would bother anyone else or if I’m just very antisocial!!

Ive pulled back a bit after trying it for a few weeks. I havnt directly told him that’s why, although he knows I find it a bit uncomfortable

Thank you! This is what I’m doing, gradually….. xx

I wouldn't be offended by this. You're not living together and it's not on the cards anytime soon. He's got a spare room someone is willing to pay for so why shouldn't he rent it out. It's unreasonable for him to miss out on a few hundred pounds a month just because you're uncomfortable coming over 1-2 days per week.

Yes, I think you are right, it’s completely up to him to have this additional income, for some reason I just find it a strange way to live in your mid forties. That’s on me though, it’s my issue

Yes he is free to have a lodger but you are allowed to feel how you feel about it op! It completely changes the dynamic with someone else there.

I understand how you would feel however at his age he's maybe thinking about his retirement options. The lodgers money could help with paying off his mortgage early or going into his pension pot. He sounds astute financially, I think after 2 years together you should have a talk about future plans ' together' or not. If you do have a future you would also benefit presumably

Not needing the money but wanting extra income are different things IMO.
If you're not planning to live together and he can't be at yours when your kids are there, I don't really blame him for making extra money if he can.
I'm not sure why it would not be an option for him to stay at yours with your kids there so there are times when your house is out of bounds for him but you want complete freedom to enjoy couple time at his house whenever.
Seems a bit unfair to me.

Yea that is a good point. Maybe because he met me with kids and new the score? But you are right, that’s probably exactly how he feels!

Bullie82
Mid forties and does not need the money, I find it strange!!!

Perhaps he likes the company.

He is probably more financially astute than me, I’ve lived with plenty money and also not as much and it doesn’t bother me too much either way. As long as we have a roof and the basics I am happy. People, not things matter more to me. He likes more expensive things. I’m probably scared to have the future talk tbh!

Perhaps he does, although he always says he is antisocial and doesn’t like socialising etc so find it a bit contradictory

Yes that sounds reasonable but the difference is the lodger is there all the time! At least there are SOME times at the op’s house when they can be alone without the dc.

By having a lodger, he has just made their relationship more difficult, which is absolutely his prerogative, but it sounds like he hadn’t given the relationship side much thought.

If op’s dc were there all the time then this couple would never be alone except when out of the house which is the sort of relationship you have in your teens.

Oh for gods sake don't do this. You're not 15 years old.
Gradually getting more distant without explanation can really mess with people's heads.

If I was in your partners situation and a man thought he should have any say in who lived in my house I would see it as a red flag. A double red flag as getting rid of the lodger would be reducing my income.

It would make me uncomfortable too. Especially if it means he spends more time at your house & costing you more whilst he has extra income coming in.

It would be different if he already had lodgers before you met or was struggling for money.

Financial security is more important to some more than others for sure. Making hay while the sun shines gives you a cushion if things change, and they can do as we've seen over the last few years. Life is much shorter than you think too.

Why not tell him that op? Say you weren’t planning on having the future talk right now but the lodger issue has led to you think about it. Maybe tell him it’s giving you signals that he’s not that serious and is that a correct assumption? Far better to find out now than several years down the line.

It all depends on how old your dc are and whose idea it was not to live together “any time soon”? If it was your idea then you can’t really blame him for having a side hustle until you become more available. In his shoes though I would have tried to find a lodger who’s there mid-week but not every weekend.

I get it. BUT he isn't saying there are times you can be here and not, as OP is.
He hasn't said at all that OP cannot be at his home, it's that she feels uncomfortable and he clearly doesn't.
So OP has set limits on her home, he hasn't set any on his. OP being uncomfortable isn't really his problem if he isn't and you look at it that way.

I think I'm just seeing it from the BF point of view, that OP sets limits on when he can stay at hers, he sets no limits on when she can stay at his but she feels she'd prefer to have his place to themselves so he's the one having to make compromises and lose income.

I don't think it's as simple as he is prioritising his relationship with the OP when she is prioritising her relationship with him, because she has children. That's completely understandable. She is not wrong. But in them not being able to live together, he is essentially a single person in terms of finances.

And the 'doesn't need the money' argument I keep seeing isn't that valid IMO. Since covid, the Ukraine war etc, millions of people are realising that the money they have or had planned for retirement is subject to unexpected events.

My retired Dad who's in his mid 60s has realised that the savings he thought would see him to the end of his life is likely not to as although his mortgage is paid, his energy bills and food costs have skyrocketed.

I think anyone making as much money as they can through legitimate means whether they seem to currently 'need it' or not are sensible to be honest.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head, it feels a bit teenageish!

Yes. this is very balanced, he’s probably being sensible about money and I’m maybe not as good at short term compromise for long term gain.

Point taken. It’s not my place to say anything to him

We’ve got two lodgers and I hate it. We’re only doing it for another 2-3 years until our debts are gone then the house will be ours again. The house has too much of a student vibe which I loathe.

Was it explained to the lodger BEFORE he moved in that his landlords girlfriend doesn’t want to make small talk with him??????

Do you always ask such weird questions?

No, I was introduced and from then I’ve bumped into him in the mornings etc. I feel I have to be polite when we are both in the kitchen etc

Yeah you do. How would you react if he was rude to you?