My partner having a lodger

[Biilie82]

So I don’t live with my partner and that isn’t the plan anytime soon.
he has recently decided to take a lodger in so he can make more money. He is in a very high paying job, money is not an issue to him, just says he might as well make an income from his spare room. His house is small and you can hear everything in the next room.
I don’t feel as comfortable when I go now, it feels like a hotel and not a home, the lodger is fine- nice enough guy, but I don’t particularly want to make convo with him in the morning making a brew.
I know it’s not my place and feel free to tell me IABU, just wondered if it would bother anyone else or if I’m just very antisocial!!

OP I would pull back a bit! Maybe don't automatically offer to have him round... see what he does next x good luck

"Think he’s just got the mentality of making money in any way possible!"

That mentality probably helped your partner become a high earner.

I don’t think you can do very much about this to be honest - it’s his house and you are not living together so only dating really.

he will have to come to yours

Do you think he was lonely when you weren't there? That was my first thought.

Yeah that’s an awkward one as it seems you’re the one who is uncomfortable at his, he’s seeing no issue with it and you’re welcome there.

I get the discomfort totally , I’d hate that, but I also get he just doesn’t see it that way and doesn’t see why he can’t habe a lodger as you prefer it on the odd night you are there it’s just him.

you don’t need to put any negative connotations on being unhappy with this setup. That it isn’t something where you feel comfortable is neutral. That your boyfriend feels comfortable with the setup is also neutral.

this is basically why I don’t hate my XH. I may have some anger about specific things that happened in our marriage, but really, he is a good person, we were just poorly matched . One of us doesn’t have to be bad or flawed.

would you come on here and post:

my partner likes the color blue the best, but I like the color yellow. Does that make me a total cow?

of course not. You would recognize that people have different preferences and that is ok.

Wouldn't bother me
If you dont like it- move in together

For me this would be 2 fold.
I wouldn't want to seriously date someone who had a home I didn't feel comfortable in. That would include house shares. This would include hot/cold dirty, clinical, pets etc (If it was an interim fix I might put up with it).
I wouldn't want to invest in a relationship where I knew we would have very different views on certain areas. Finance would be mine. You say he has a well paid job. If I was broke/in debt the inconvenience of a lodger would be better than losing my home. But if I was just managing, I'd rather not be able to afford holidays, dating etc than share. There's no right and wrong but money is clearly high on his agenda.

I guess if you are looking to the future he's not the one for you. If you're just enjoying his company for now, stick with it but you won't find a partner whilst your with him. Oh and I wouldn't ask him to get rid of the lodger, I'd just let him know you don't enjoy staying over. Don't let him be a Cocklodger tho coz your more comfortable at yours. Invite him over, maybe cook a meal. Then it's his turn, so eat out, weekend hotel break etc or wait for lodger to be away. Might be useful to establish where you fit in to his life

Does it mean you spend more time at yours with you hosting to get space on your own? I’d make sure you spend exactly the same time at yours so maybe this means you see each other less and see if he notices.

Blimey what an unfriendly bunch!

I've had 3 lodgers for 25 years and many have brought their boy or girl friends to stay a night or two. One current lodger's boyfriend stays 2 nights a week.

No problem, everyone is friendly!

I've had several long term boyfriends in that time and none has ever had a problem with me having three lodgers in my house when they have stayed over, for a night, a weekend, a week, etc.

I am bewildered by the OP and the replies on this thread!

Oh, I'm of a different mind set now. You've got kids, so effectively 2 permanent lodgers! Maybe you could go to his when the lodgers away

Have you told him that you're unhappy about this situation?

So I don’t live with my partner and that isn’t the plan anytime soon.

There's your answer. The issue appears to be the lack of a future plan together. It seems if you're just seeing eachother with no real vested interest in making plans for the future then the lodger issue is neither here nor there.

I reckon for day to day living I'd not have too much problem trading my appt for sharing a proper house with another female. But I wouldn't want it when my partner was around. Having sex with an audience listening would be pretty damn weird.

Seeing as he has already done this op without any real consideration for you, there is not much point in discussing it, but in your shoes I would be a bit more “distant” and “unavailable” all of a sudden.

If he asks what’s going on I would tell him straight that you tried it but sharing house in your 40s is not your idea of fun. I certainly wouldn’t be allowing him to come to mine more often. Two can play at being inconsiderate.

Better to just be direct than start a load of passive aggressive nonsense. If my partner 'went distant' rather than being direct with me he'd probs be my ex pretty soon.

I can't be asked to deal with a semi-permanent roommate situation anymore. In your shoes I'd stop visiting his place or at least spending night. He could come over to mine (depending on the arrangement with kids). Since it sounds like you've agreed to not move together for a while at least I'm not gonna say him getting a lodger is a red flag. But also I wouldn't bother really making an effort in going to his.

Yanbu x

Are you sure he hasn’t got money trouble?

This would not be ideal for me in 40s, but you can't really say anything since you don't live there. I would tell him you're not comfortable coming around anymore and see what he says.

So is his plan that he will come over to you and save money that way, but you won't go over to him? Is he generally tight?

If he's got extra money coming in, he can take you to an up market hotel for the weekend.

The op’s partner didn’t leave much room for discussion though did he? So the time for conversation is past. Being less available isn’t being passive agressive; it simply presents him with the consequences of his actions.

Maybe, he doesn’t really have a social life (by choice) he says they stay in their room when they arnt at work so he’s not interacting much with them. I should be kinder and see it in this way, he wants a bit of human interaction

As sure as I can be…. I know his wage and roughly his bills. Suppose there could be a nasty surprise, I don’t think so tho….