Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My family holidaying with my ex-husband?

55 replies

ForeverTheOptomist · 11/03/2023 20:25

I'd really like to know how people would feel about this. I'm going to try to keep it brief.

I separated from my ex husband over two years ago. It was nasty. He was nasty He had abused me for years, mentally, emotionally, physically. There were occasions when our children ran away and hid when he started shouting.

One of my siblings asked me a few weeks ago if I would mind if they went to his holiday house with their family, and the family of another sibling for a holiday. I stupidly gave the go ahead, mainly because I'm nice(!), but I wasn't happy. Now it appears that he has booked a flight to go out with them.

AIBU to (a) think it a betrayal for them to even consider going in the first place, and (b) feel incredibly pissed that they're now going to be holidaying all together?

OP posts:
cato40 · 11/03/2023 20:33

Hi, similar situation to yours, and yes I'd be upset if my sibling didn't cut ties with someone who hurt me. Your sibling should not even have suggested it.

C1N1C · 11/03/2023 20:37

Did your family see him in action or the aftermath?

You're definitely not being unreasonable, but if they didn't witness any of it, can they completely understand?

If they did, I'd disown them... they're favouring an abuser over their own sister over a simple holiday.

Leeds2 · 11/03/2023 20:40

YANBU to be pissed off about it but, equally, you should never have told the first sibling that asked that you were happy with it.

Original poster
ForeverTheOptomist · 11/03/2023 21:14

Leeds2 · 11/03/2023 20:40

YANBU to be pissed off about it but, equally, you should never have told the first sibling that asked that you were happy with it.

I didn't say that I was happy with it?

OP posts:
jay55 · 11/03/2023 21:17

They should never have asked.
Utter arseholes.

Lovelyveg82 · 11/03/2023 21:17

face value… yes terrible

but there will be one heck of a backstory that you won’t disclose 🤷‍♀️

Lostmarblesfinder · 11/03/2023 21:19

In my experience that is some families for you. Absolutely disgusting behaviour from them.

WinterDeWinter · 11/03/2023 21:30

Dear siblings
I was put in a really difficult position when sibling 1 asked if I'd mind if they and Sibling 2 and their families used ExH's holiday home . Even though I was hurt that s/he asked, because you know how abusive ExH was, I didn't want to cause a scene so I said ok. I've just discovered that ExH will be joining you all. Honestly, if you couldn't predict that this would feel like a massive betrayal then I don't really know what to say to you. But I'm very hurt that you can't see it for yourselves.

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 11/03/2023 21:43

Of course yanbu

It also sounds like a classic control and manipulation technique from your ex.

Be aware and look after yourself.

EyesOnThePies · 11/03/2023 21:44

OP, when you were being nice (as you describe it) when you gave them the go ahead, was your inner voice screaming ‘Noooooo!’?

They knew it was dodgy, because they asked you.

Going against your own best interests you said yes.

He is an abuser. Of course he then took the opportunity to buddy up with them.

And by then they may have felt too obligated to him, having blagged his holiday house, to say no.

How much did your family know about how nasty he was?

Tell then you feel sick at the thought of them all having a Jolly Happy Families holiday together.

But most of all, look to yourself, and how you can take steps to listen to yourself, stick up for yourself, and make yourself count. As part of your ongoing recovery from an abusive relationship.

Are your family often dismissive of your needs? How was it growing up? Maybe something to explore in counselling.

Riverlee · 11/03/2023 21:45

Using the holiday home, not a problem.

Him going on holiday at the same time - wtf!

CloudPop · 11/03/2023 21:46

What happened to basic family loyalty ?

StripeyDeckchair · 11/03/2023 21:47

YABU because you said you were OK with them going there - that was a daft thing to do.

Var57 · 11/03/2023 21:48

I can't imagine they will be chuffed that he is gatecrashing their holiday though?

Serves them right.

UdoU · 11/03/2023 21:48

I’d go NC with them.

Verylongtime · 11/03/2023 21:54

On the face of it, no.

But… I know someone whose ex holidays with her family. They get on really well and care about each other. He lives in a flat above them. The woman has alienated her entire family with her poor and abusive behaviour over many years.

Cenosillicaphobia · 11/03/2023 21:54

My family would do exactly the same thing sadly - No loyalty or consideration. I’m considering going minimal contact now because of it.
I find it very strange when family members want to remain chummy with exes if it wasn't an amicable split.

Original poster
ForeverTheOptomist · 12/03/2023 14:06

Lovelyveg82 · 11/03/2023 21:17

face value… yes terrible

but there will be one heck of a backstory that you won’t disclose 🤷‍♀️

Really? How long have you got?!

OP posts:
Mortimercat · 12/03/2023 14:16

I would not expect my siblings to maintain contact with my husband if we divorced. But they did ask and you gave the green light. I think they shouldn’t have asked of course.

TheHouseNextDoor · 12/03/2023 14:23

I'd be pissed off if my siblings even asked me this, and my ex wasn't abusive !

Pinkdelight3 · 12/03/2023 14:25

It sounds like you were married a long time so they've built their own relationship with him independently of you. To even be using his holiday home without him being there, that shows they're still on friendly terms so you were okay with that (not happy of course, but they asked and you okayed it) so I'm not sure how much more of a transgression it is for him to join them there. The line was crossed when they didn't cut him off. Not saying they had to cut him off, but some families do in these situations. Yours hasn't, quite the opposite, so I think it's not a betrayal for them to do this now, it's in keeping with their relationship. But YANBU to be pissed off about it. I don't see what you can do about it though, unless you've never told them the extent of the abuse and that would make a difference?

AllOfThemWitches · 12/03/2023 14:26

Yeah I'd be angry

rothbury · 12/03/2023 14:28

Similar thing happened to me OP and I was devastated.

YANBU

carriedout · 12/03/2023 14:28

That's awful. Really sorry. I'd cut ties with my sibling if they maintained a relationship with someone who abused me Sad

RedHelenB · 12/03/2023 14:32

Maybe because you have children together they feel it best to maintain a relationship with him? I would talk to them about how you're feeling.