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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My family holidaying with my ex-husband?

55 replies

ForeverTheOptomist · 11/03/2023 20:25

I'd really like to know how people would feel about this. I'm going to try to keep it brief.

I separated from my ex husband over two years ago. It was nasty. He was nasty He had abused me for years, mentally, emotionally, physically. There were occasions when our children ran away and hid when he started shouting.

One of my siblings asked me a few weeks ago if I would mind if they went to his holiday house with their family, and the family of another sibling for a holiday. I stupidly gave the go ahead, mainly because I'm nice(!), but I wasn't happy. Now it appears that he has booked a flight to go out with them.

AIBU to (a) think it a betrayal for them to even consider going in the first place, and (b) feel incredibly pissed that they're now going to be holidaying all together?

OP posts:
JudgeRudy · 12/03/2023 14:36

You're entitled to feel how you do but you're not entitled to dictate how others feel or behave. I'll assume that on balance your siblings and partners view him as an OK guy. Yes he's perhaps not been nice to you in the past but is that representative of who he is now. I'd also presume he's kept in touch with family as its unlikely anyone has randomly asked if the holiday home is free. Surely this is not longer about your siblings staying friends, its that they're all having a fun yime together. Are you hurt you weren't invited. What shout the children? Would they be going/like yo go?

TheNoodlesIncident · 12/03/2023 14:36

It was up to you to say you weren't fine with it because he had been so abusive to you and your children (who were present even if they weren't being shouted at). You could point out that they are of course free to do what they wanted to do, but if they did you would feel that they were not being loyal to you (and the children).

In your position, I wouldn't give my blessing for such a thing, there are plenty of other holiday homes in the world and I would feel stabbed in the back if they continued to have a relationship with him, sufficient to ask for use of it (even if they hadn't intended for him to invite himself along). It would be very different if the split was amicable but that not being the case, I would be hurt and would say so.

If you don't communicate your true feelings about it, how are they to know?

(My brothers both have exes that hurt my brothers, no way will I have any kind of relationship with them. Polite at events, yes; actual seeking them out for favours, not ever.)

jannier · 12/03/2023 14:37

Do they actually know the detail of what he did to you ?

Radiodread · 12/03/2023 14:44

@JudgeRudy are you for real? Do you have any experience of or knowledge about domestic abuse?

OP you are not being unreasonable in the slightest. But I think this is quite common. Your parents and siblings are probably used to enabling/or actually being abusive or controlling men.

JudgeRudy · 12/03/2023 14:45

Riverlee · 11/03/2023 21:45

Using the holiday home, not a problem.

Him going on holiday at the same time - wtf!

I'd guess they already have a relationship with him though so whether that's a drink down the pub, BBQs, natter at home, WhatApp banter.....whatever. its very unlikely that they've just got in touch with him or he's randomly offered.
BTW...if its ops brother taking his kids (especially if he's separated) there a good chance these 2 were close, maybe more so than with OP. If it's BIL even more so. If it's Sister and BIL I'd say again, him and BIL are probably still mates. But if it's sister on her own .....with him...🤔

aSofaNearYou · 12/03/2023 14:49

If they know how he treated you YANBU at all, this is horrible of them.

billy1966 · 12/03/2023 14:51

Obviously awful.

But saying yes certainly wasn't nice in my book.

Even if you said it in the moment, why didn't you text later a correction.

Decent families don't stay in touch with ex spouses that abused their sibling and children.

Very shabby behaviour.
The type that would do anything for a cheap holiday clearly🙄.

But you were very silly to OK this and not correct yourself afterwards asap.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 12/03/2023 14:57

I agree with most of the posters on here, it's very shabby behaviour. However, I wouldn't just suck it up - you have to tell them how you feel because it will cause resentment down the line.

Sparkletastic · 12/03/2023 14:57

I'd be letting them know how you feel.

Want2beme · 12/03/2023 14:57

I imagine your family know what happened. I can't even believe they'd associate with your exH, let alone use his holiday home, and now they're going to socialise with him. Unbelievably thoughtless and a huge betrayal.

Justalittlebitduckling · 12/03/2023 14:57

“Because I’m nice”.

It’s completely unacceptable that they would maintain any kind of relationship with your abusive ex in this way.

Women are conditioned to be “nice” aka passive, compliant, submissive, non-confrontational.

Get some therapy and learn to be less nice. More assertive. Then next time something like this happens you can say, “No, I think that would be completely inappropriate,” and not fear the awkward silence.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 12/03/2023 14:59

You should have told them how you feel when they asked. But I do think they are a bit out of order for considering it.

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 12/03/2023 15:05

I'm less surprised than I should be that a woman with an abusive ExH has a family who are either in denial of the situation, or that OP was the scapegoat of the family so much so that this is a totally normal thing for them to do.

OP I would be crushed if this was me. Being honest, are there other situations where you have felt that you couldn't speak up on your true feelings with family?

I think this would be a good way to start building those boundaries post-divorce. You were not ok with it, and in future you should say so instead of being nice.

MsGrumpytrousers · 12/03/2023 15:06

They thought it might not be okay. They asked you if it would be okay. You told them that it would be okay. Now you're thinking that it won't.

Your mistake. They asked and you didn't give an honest answer.

Gymnopedie · 12/03/2023 16:26

Want2beme · 12/03/2023 14:57

I imagine your family know what happened. I can't even believe they'd associate with your exH, let alone use his holiday home, and now they're going to socialise with him. Unbelievably thoughtless and a huge betrayal.

The way the OP is written it sounds like the ex has invited himself. Nevertheless it's a shitty thing for the family to do. It suggests that a cheaper holiday (mates' rates?) is more important to them than what the ex did to the OP.

Fellsidefeather · 12/03/2023 16:36

We’re very low contact with my in laws as they were abusive to my DH. My sibling has them to stay and recently showed me a compilation of photos ready to go in a photo album with more photos of them than of me, my DH and our parents (my sister’s and mine) put together. The only photo of my DH was one of just his arm in the background (we’ve been together over 25 years!). I had previously told my sister how I felt (I never needed to tell my parents they just automatically put me first). I don’t bother now. I medium chill the lot of them. I keep slipping with my sister because that’s not the relationship I want with her but the photo album has left a sting that hasn’t left yet.

Fellsidefeather · 12/03/2023 16:40

MoneyInTheBananaStand · 12/03/2023 15:05

I'm less surprised than I should be that a woman with an abusive ExH has a family who are either in denial of the situation, or that OP was the scapegoat of the family so much so that this is a totally normal thing for them to do.

OP I would be crushed if this was me. Being honest, are there other situations where you have felt that you couldn't speak up on your true feelings with family?

I think this would be a good way to start building those boundaries post-divorce. You were not ok with it, and in future you should say so instead of being nice.

Very true. A few years ago, my sister said she wanted to join us for the second week of our summer holiday. It was a campsite my DH and I had been to a couple of times with the kids and my parents. We said we didn’t want to do that, as we wanted the solo family time but we would love to do a weekend or another week away together. She booked it anyway. We moved campsites for the second week.

LookItsMeAgain · 12/03/2023 16:43

I would have replied to their original query "I mean, in all of England (or wherever the holiday location is), that there is not a single alternative location that you could go to for your holiday, you have to go to where my ex husband has a place, and even worse still, you're thinking of going to his place? I don't stand by this. He's my ex husband for plenty of reasons. Can you not find somewhere else to take your holiday? At all???"

Except you said that you didn't mind.

Now it's coming back and not only did you mind, you mind even more now.

I'd tell them that you're struggling to come to terms with them staying in touch with your ex husband and that you need time and space and they aren't to contact you for the time being.

Original poster
ForeverTheOptomist · 13/03/2023 01:45

Thank you everyone. This has really helped to crystallise things for me. I guess I thought that it would be mean if I told them I wasn't happy with them going. Many of you are right though - I shouldn't have been put in a position where I was expected to make the decision as to whether or not they go. It was unacceptable for them to consider it.

... Of course he muscled in! That's what he does!

OP posts:
HamBone · 13/03/2023 02:04

Your siblings do know that he was abusive towards you and that it was a nasty divorce, don’t they?

If so, that’s awful behavior on their part.

BananaCocktails · 13/03/2023 02:13

You need to sit and tell them exactly how he was with you and how this is making you feel if they don’t know, then how can they make a judgement? He has obviously booked a flight to go with him to piss you off.

StClare101 · 13/03/2023 02:42

And now they have to spend their holiday with him. KARMA.

savethatkitty · 13/03/2023 03:01

Well, atleast you know where you stand. Awful behaviour

Nancydrawn · 13/03/2023 03:39

Don't worry about being mean. If my family told me that they wanted anything to do with a man who had abused me (physically, emotionally, and financially), my last concern would be whether I wasn't being nice enough.

I would ask, "how could you ask that when you know what he did? This isn't rhetorical: you know he hurt me, physically and really. Why does your vacation make you ignore that?"

I think you might benefit from some counseling for boundaries -- it can really help!

Lovelyveg82 · 13/03/2023 06:06

What a profoundly unhappy family to be bringing children in to.

I wouldn’t want my children within a 5 mile radius of people like this