To think that men find it so easy to walk away?

[IfIseeonemorespaghettihoop]

Apologies as this is really long.

My DP told me a few weeks ago that it’s over. We have been together for 5 years and have a toddler.
We have had problems since the birth of our DC, I had quite severe postnatal anxiety which manifested in a few different ways including me having an incessant need for control over everything to do with DC, which obviously caused huge problems for us a couple as he felt I didn’t trust him and that I would nitpick about everything he did. Admittedly I did do these things. He also says I changed as a person, my feeling on this is that you can’t help but change a bit (and probably should) when you have a child but again I think a lot of this was attributable to the PNA.

I am only just now starting to get my old self back and feel normal due to a lot of self reflection and therapy almost 2 years on.

DP has remained completely resolute that there is no hope for our relationship, my behaviour has caused him to feel differently about me and that I’ve made him “the unhappiest man in the world” over the past couple of years.
The thing is though, although there are real elements of truth in all of this, we have had some incredibly happy times as well, we still laugh together and talk and can enjoy spending time together, we have even had sex since the relationship ended (which was completely initiated by him) and it was really great sex, so to me I can’t help but to keep wondering how he doesn’t think there’s anything worth salvaging?

I can’t understand the mindset of just closing the door completely on what used to to a fantastic relationship, we were incredibly happy, especially now that there’s a child involved. Why wouldn’t you want to give it everything in your power to see if it can be saved?
None of this seems hard on him, he has just packed cases to go to stay with his parents and brought them downstairs, I’m doing all I can to hold back tears in front of little one and he appears completely unaffected, just like he’s popping to the shop.

I do wonder whether he hasn’t got the emotional maturity to be in an adult relationship and to navigate the conflict and issues that arise as part of it, I feel like he thinks the honeymoon stage is how a good relationship should be at all times and when real life sets in he’s not interested, he ended his last long term relationship before me very suddenly and without so much as a backward glance or proper explanation to his ex, he cannot process emotions or talk about deep issues without becoming angry and blaming me for everything that’s wrong, but there were two of us in the relationship, I didn’t make it go wrong all by myself.

How is it so easy for (mostly men) to just decide they’re done and walk away, even when kids are involved? What is it about trying hard to work on a relationship that isn’t worth even trying?

I feel so sad, hurt, angry, betrayed. This is fucking hard.

Not sure what he has actually done wrong during the relationship?

He has to draw a line for his sanity. You have good memories, so he obviously tried to put in to the relationship. We all have a breaking point.

I think men are generally much better at compartmentalising their emotional lives than women. This has its downsides but it also means that once they decide something isn't working for them they are able to shut the emotions which related to that relationship down more easily than women.

I can't really tell based on what you've posted whether he's right or wrong or make a judgement about his behaviour. He may be a feckless arse who is leaving when the going gets tough or it may be that he has thought long and hard and decided that this isn't how he wants to spend the rest of his life and living with a controlling partner is difficult.

The way he treats his child over the long term will be the real proof of this and we don't yet know how this will go.

But if he has decided that he wants to leave then his approach actually makes more sense. There's no upside for anyone in him dragging things out for ages. A clean break is kinder to everyone.

Men tend to stay completely inscrutable while deliberating over serious questions, even if this takes years, which leads to the outward impression that they are 'emotionless' or 'uncaring' when it simply isn't true. A lot of women want to talk about matters as and when they arise, whereas with men they are more likely to sit and ruminate about something until they reach a firm conclusion, which then presents as having made a dispassionate, off-the-cuff decision on which they are completely unwilling to give any ground, when the reality is they've thought about it long and hard, deliberated, probably flipped back-and-forth umpteen times, and then come to a firm resolution, which is why the perception that they act impulsively without concern for the consequences is misguided.

It's a communication and processing difference. Men are no less compassionate, emotional, or contemplative than women, they just handle things internally in a completely different manner.

It doesn’t sound like he’s just walking away, he’s been incredibly unhappy for 2 years and the relationship is now over. It sounds like he’s just trying to be clear, although sleeping together isn’t helping. But 2 years of relationship decline… he’s probably agonised over it loads. Has he said he still wants to see his child?

A lot, A LOT, of men just see women as a means to an end. And objects.

Women are supposed to just look good for them, have sex with them, build a life/home/family around them. Cook and clean and remind them to see a doctor for them.

As long as women do these for men, they will ’love’ you (love what these women do for them).

And once that it’s over, they leave.
Kind of like if you washing machine don’t work - you just throw it away and get a new one.

It’s not deeper than this for most of them, that’s why it’s so easy for them to leave.
They never actually cared in the first place.

Sad, but true.

There are plenty of men out there like this, but it’s ridiculous to suggest it’s most men, it’s not. And it’s not a helpful reply to the OP, their relationship has struggled due to really unfortunate mental health, not because he’s just a bastard.

I do wonder whether he hasn’t got the emotional maturity to be in an adult relationship and to navigate the conflict and issues that arise as part of it, I feel like he thinks the honeymoon stage is how a good relationship should be at all times and when real life sets in he’s not interested,

I think thi is quite unfair because he has gone through 2 years of very tough relationship with the PDA by the sounds of it so no, I wouldn't say he is not emotionally matured. More likely just emotionally tired. These things happen and MH issues have effect on others around too.

Absolute bullshit. Some men yes, but not the majority.

It's not necessarily that he finds it easy though, is it? Being made miserable for years doesn't sound very easy. The way he feels about you has changed because of your behaviour, even though the causes of that were not your fault. The fact that there were also happy times is not necessarily enough. He doesn't see the relationship the same way you do.

I think if a woman came on here to describe several years of feeling miserable with a partner who had behaved in controlling ways due to mental health issues, posters would support her ending the relationship and would not think she was having an easy time doing it. I'm really sorry though - I had postnatal anxiety and it seriously sucks.

Kind of like if you washing machine don’t work - you just throw it away and get a new one.

Except that he seemed to have stuck with thee "washing machine" until repairs happened and now "washing machine" is safely working, he is moving on....

@CantAskAnyoneElse that may be your experience but nearly all the men I know are decent human beings.

Sounds painful OP. I think because they don’t physically or hormonally change in the way we do through having a child, they can be much more removed. And you’ve gone through a tumultuous post natal experience, and it’s been tough on you both. I feel for you because the anxiety you experienced isn’t your fault & you’d hope he could have been more forgiving maybe. However emotional & mental distress & controlling behaviours are tough on any relationship & he sadly sounds like he can’t deal with it any more.

If you were married I suppose you could say a partner is supposed to be there in sickness and in health. And regardless of a marital contract you do hope having a partner is about having that support that is not conditional. It’s a hard one & heartbreaking that he can’t get over it now that you’re back to your old self more. I would feel the same & as though he was abandoning you & your son as well to a degree - couldn’t he try to save the relationship given you have your son together & are much better now? He should not be sleeping with you however & I can understand you hoping that if you can have sex & want each other maybe it will mean /prove to him that there’s a chance still. Given you can get on well etc as well & enjoy each other’s company still.
I don’t know what your relationship was like before you had your DC & how invested he was in this to start with? I would feel resentful at how fairweather some people can be, when essentially they have helped create the thing that brought about your PND /anxiety. Maybe you need someone who is able to be there through thick & thin & that he has shown that for whatever reason he isn’t that. Him saying that it’s all down to your mental health is pretty harsh & will be hard to move on from OP. But it can be extremely hard on relationships & I suppose if anything the experience has taught you more about yourself & how these aspects of yourself can impact on your relationships & also maybe a realisation of the kind of person you want to be with in the future, who will have your back during the tough times 💐

Where did I say majority?

And it’s not bullshit.
If you don’t want to see it, then don’t. But it’s true.

Op, I agree with you. However you seem to be taking on the blame for the relationship ending but he can't have been perfect.

I think what is closer to the truth is that he can't live outside of the honeymoon phase. Call me cynical but I also think you might get surprised by someone else appearing. It sounds fairly classic to me.

Are you back at work yet?

You said A LOT and most of them. Most of = majority.

It sounds like he's been through absolute hell and I can't blame him for falling out of love with you. I would have walked after the first few months and we would be separated co-parents now. You need to own your behaviour, however it was caused. There may be hope for your relationship beyond friendly co-parenting, but you're going to have to give him space, trust him with your child and keel a lid on your feelings of anger and betrayal.

He's messing with you OP and I can't believe no one else can see it. He doesn't want you but you're familiar and a safe bet, so he'll have a laugh when he wants it and sex when he wants that and then he'll walk away again.

You need to start putting in boundaries and not allowing him to swan in and out as he pleases. Stop allowing him to use you as it just going to prolong the hurt indefinitely. Now you only talk about your child and only as required. He chose to walk away so now you need to make it clear that he needs to stop muddying the waters and messing you around.

Harsh.

She had mental health problems after the birth of THEIR child.

Plus he's hardly innocent, fucking with her head by having sex with her after telling her it's 'over'.

You made him miserable and he felt like he couldn't leave while you were unwell, otherwise he'd have gone sooner.

Honestly think you need to accept your part in it, and move on - even the way you're saying 'oh he's not mature enough to be in an adult relarionship' is ridiculous. He didn't deserve to be treated the way you treated him, and he's finally had enough.

I’m sorry you’re hurting, break ups are horrible but I’m afraid I don’t agree. I used to think like you - that love should conquer all and the good times should outweigh the bad and mean it’s worth fighting for, even if the bad times are in reality overshadowing the good. I no longer think that’s the correct approach.

Love is not enough, not on its own. You can love someone but come to realise, as painful as it is, that being with them hurts you. It sounds like this is what’s happened here. I’ve had MH issues myself and they’ve contributed to past breakups because frankly I was a fucking nightmare and I’d have dumped me had the roles been reversed. MH isn’t a green card to treat people badly and push them to their limit. The fact it’s bad enough for him to leave suggests the effect on him has been profound. Have you had any help with your anxiety?

all that said, he shouldn’t be messing you about by having sex with you, and he still has responsibilities to your child as a co parent so how he behaves there will show how decent he really is. But all in all I think more women should up and leave when things are bad. “Real life” doesn’t mean misery and being ground down, relationships don’t have to be hard work.

So the relationship is over and you are still letting him shag you all on his terms?. Over is over. Draw a line and stop letting him have his cake and eat it. You deserve better.

”Easy” when

a) you have completely un judgemental parent; and
b) likely to have a love Interest that is serious or becoming increasingly serious; and
c) a twat

I would just like to clarify for anyone that has misinterpreted the situation, I have wholly and unreservedly accepted responsibility for how my actions and behaviour have contributed to the ultimate demise of our relationship, that’s why I finally sought the help I needed and have been nothing other than honest when describing the way I have been.
On the other hand, he has accepted no responsibility at all, he is just happy to go with the “It’s all your fault because you made me so unhappy” narrative, but at no point did he seriously sit me down and communicate with me and tell me how desperately unhappy I was making him and talk about ways we could’ve changed things. He doesn’t think it was his responsibility to do that, he said it’s not his responsibility to change my behaviour. i agree that’s it’s not his responsibility to change my behaviour but as one half of an adult relationship with a child it most certainly was his responsibility to communicate with me about how he was feeling and to suggest solutions. Especially when I was at a point where the fog was so thick I couldn’t see that I was doing anything wrong.
When we were first together I put up with a lot from him (not cheating or anything like that) but seriously questionable behaviour but I loved him and I knew that we would be happy if he were to address these behaviours so I stuck with it, had countless conversations about my expectations and boundaries and made him see the impact he was having, I just don’t understand not doing this when you love someone.

You don’t need to ‘accept responsibility’ OP, you weren’t well, and he has exercised his right to leave a relationship he felt he couldn’t cope with. Neither of you are to blame. There doesn’t need to be a villain. But I do agree with this:

I think men are generally much better at compartmentalising their emotional lives than women. This has its downsides but it also means that once they decide something isn't working for them they are able to shut the emotions which related to that relationship down more easily than women.

Just don’t have sex with him again the last thing you need is to end up a FWB or pregnant.