To think that men find it so easy to walk away?

[IfIseeonemorespaghettihoop]

Apologies as this is really long.

My DP told me a few weeks ago that it’s over. We have been together for 5 years and have a toddler.
We have had problems since the birth of our DC, I had quite severe postnatal anxiety which manifested in a few different ways including me having an incessant need for control over everything to do with DC, which obviously caused huge problems for us a couple as he felt I didn’t trust him and that I would nitpick about everything he did. Admittedly I did do these things. He also says I changed as a person, my feeling on this is that you can’t help but change a bit (and probably should) when you have a child but again I think a lot of this was attributable to the PNA.

I am only just now starting to get my old self back and feel normal due to a lot of self reflection and therapy almost 2 years on.

DP has remained completely resolute that there is no hope for our relationship, my behaviour has caused him to feel differently about me and that I’ve made him “the unhappiest man in the world” over the past couple of years.
The thing is though, although there are real elements of truth in all of this, we have had some incredibly happy times as well, we still laugh together and talk and can enjoy spending time together, we have even had sex since the relationship ended (which was completely initiated by him) and it was really great sex, so to me I can’t help but to keep wondering how he doesn’t think there’s anything worth salvaging?

I can’t understand the mindset of just closing the door completely on what used to to a fantastic relationship, we were incredibly happy, especially now that there’s a child involved. Why wouldn’t you want to give it everything in your power to see if it can be saved?
None of this seems hard on him, he has just packed cases to go to stay with his parents and brought them downstairs, I’m doing all I can to hold back tears in front of little one and he appears completely unaffected, just like he’s popping to the shop.

I do wonder whether he hasn’t got the emotional maturity to be in an adult relationship and to navigate the conflict and issues that arise as part of it, I feel like he thinks the honeymoon stage is how a good relationship should be at all times and when real life sets in he’s not interested, he ended his last long term relationship before me very suddenly and without so much as a backward glance or proper explanation to his ex, he cannot process emotions or talk about deep issues without becoming angry and blaming me for everything that’s wrong, but there were two of us in the relationship, I didn’t make it go wrong all by myself.

How is it so easy for (mostly men) to just decide they’re done and walk away, even when kids are involved? What is it about trying hard to work on a relationship that isn’t worth even trying?

I feel so sad, hurt, angry, betrayed. This is fucking hard.

I said “obviously” because I had alluded to it in the posts.

Many facets to this OP.

Unwise of both of you to have a child so early on without a well-established relationship and especially if there were already relationship issues. Hard to judge the severity of those since you've not elaborated.

Sounds like he did try to support you with the PNA and you perhaps did not get help in the timely manner you should have if it's taken this long to fix? When you say "controlling behaviour", what were you doing? Mental health problems are hard and it wasn't your fault you were unwell but you must have known that it was not ok to behave horribly to him.

However, it was irresponsible of him to have a baby with you in the first place if he's the type of person who can't handle that maternal mental health issues are a common effect of having a baby. If he wasn't prepared to weather one of the many "storms" that a baby can bring to life: disability, injuries mental or physical to the mother, etc, he had no business creating a baby at all. If such things happen an adult deals with that at the time, talking, communicating, getting help in place etc, doesn't wait for two years without discussing the issue then suddenly flounce off. People shouldn't have kids if they aren't grown up enough to know they can stick it out if the first few years are tough on them and their relationship as there is a significant likelihood of that being the case. It does reek a bit of manchild. But that depends what you were actually doing when suffering from PNA. If you were actually abusive to him then he's right to leave obviously. If he just found it difficult to cope with you being so anxious and this was out of character for you then that's different.

Awful behaviour from him to tell you it's over and then have sex with you again: this shows huge emotional immaturity and a lack of responsibility or care for his child knowing that you were vulnerable with him just having announced hexis leaving and how having sex with you again would likely cause even more emotional turmoil for you and potentially damage the chances of a good co-parenting relationship. This sounds utterly selfish and very messed up behaviour from him.

Ultimately though it sounds like he's not someone who views relationships the way you do and isn't capable of having the type of relationship with you that you thought you had/ wanted to have together. It doesn't sound like the situation is salvagable so I think you should focus on you and your child now and move on, forget him.

You hadn’t at all

but ok… out of 5 years you had a couple of happy ones 🤷‍♀️

serious questionable behaviour

right at the beginning of your relationship

I mean it doesn’t sound like you had much of a “honeymoon period” op

It's sounds like he wanted to leave for a while but waited until you were mentally well before he left, hence why no tears at the door. He'd checked out of the relationship a long time ago.
If you had been unwell for around 2 years with PND, that is a long time (especially in a 5 year relationship) for him to 'put up' with your issues and having the rocky start that only leaves a couple of years at most that this relationship was functioning!!
I think perhaps he has no fight left in him, hopefully he intends to do right by his child but as an emotionally mature adult he is allowed to leave you, or to fall out of love with you for any reason (how many times of here are women told to leave their mentally unwell husbands.....)
Stop having sex with him, obviously.

Yeah, I guess.
As long as everyone is honest and no one pretends there is any meaning in it.
Let’s chuck the whole ’love’ word out completely, the it’s all good.
And as long as women can do the same for men😉
Would be plenty of divorces soon…

Hey, no reasons for faux caring.
It’s all good, I just have my eyes open and I don’t pretend men are something they are not. I know many women aren’t strong and brave enought to do it, that’s okey.

Misandry isin’t a thing.
HTH

I think you could do a lot better. I think there is a chance he has made you think this is all your fault when it isn’t. I couldn’t walk away from my five year old easily as a parent, so that is a red flag to me. I am so sorry you are hurting, but I wouldn’t blame yourself for pushing him away. You might have been gaslighted to some extent.

@CantAskAnyoneElse

do you have children?

Ok I read the thread you started @CantAskAnyoneElse and your stance on this thread is now very clear.
If I’d never known love, didn’t have a good childhood, didn’t have children, doubted whether I ever could have relationship because I doubted whether love was ever possible… then I suppose I too may have such a generally and profoundly negative view of around 50% of the population

I’m 36.
And nothing, I’ve never been on any kind of a relationship.

so how have you developed such a deep understanding of what “a lot” of men are like? From mumsnet threads? God forbid! 😂