To think that men find it so easy to walk away?

[IfIseeonemorespaghettihoop]

Apologies as this is really long.

My DP told me a few weeks ago that it’s over. We have been together for 5 years and have a toddler.
We have had problems since the birth of our DC, I had quite severe postnatal anxiety which manifested in a few different ways including me having an incessant need for control over everything to do with DC, which obviously caused huge problems for us a couple as he felt I didn’t trust him and that I would nitpick about everything he did. Admittedly I did do these things. He also says I changed as a person, my feeling on this is that you can’t help but change a bit (and probably should) when you have a child but again I think a lot of this was attributable to the PNA.

I am only just now starting to get my old self back and feel normal due to a lot of self reflection and therapy almost 2 years on.

DP has remained completely resolute that there is no hope for our relationship, my behaviour has caused him to feel differently about me and that I’ve made him “the unhappiest man in the world” over the past couple of years.
The thing is though, although there are real elements of truth in all of this, we have had some incredibly happy times as well, we still laugh together and talk and can enjoy spending time together, we have even had sex since the relationship ended (which was completely initiated by him) and it was really great sex, so to me I can’t help but to keep wondering how he doesn’t think there’s anything worth salvaging?

I can’t understand the mindset of just closing the door completely on what used to to a fantastic relationship, we were incredibly happy, especially now that there’s a child involved. Why wouldn’t you want to give it everything in your power to see if it can be saved?
None of this seems hard on him, he has just packed cases to go to stay with his parents and brought them downstairs, I’m doing all I can to hold back tears in front of little one and he appears completely unaffected, just like he’s popping to the shop.

I do wonder whether he hasn’t got the emotional maturity to be in an adult relationship and to navigate the conflict and issues that arise as part of it, I feel like he thinks the honeymoon stage is how a good relationship should be at all times and when real life sets in he’s not interested, he ended his last long term relationship before me very suddenly and without so much as a backward glance or proper explanation to his ex, he cannot process emotions or talk about deep issues without becoming angry and blaming me for everything that’s wrong, but there were two of us in the relationship, I didn’t make it go wrong all by myself.

How is it so easy for (mostly men) to just decide they’re done and walk away, even when kids are involved? What is it about trying hard to work on a relationship that isn’t worth even trying?

I feel so sad, hurt, angry, betrayed. This is fucking hard.

on what used to to a fantastic relationship,

but you say say

”I put up with a lot” even at the very start of the relationship

you have been together just 5 years and a good proportion of that has been highly troubled by the sounds of it

it really doesn’t sound like this really ever had long term legs op

Yes it is true

in. YOUR. Experience.

sure as heck not mine

WOW! True colours here...
Sad fact is woman can't do it all without men, as much as it sounds like you would like to.

How much of your relationship has actually been any good? You’ve only been together for five years yet there were problems with his behaviour at the start serious enough for lots of talk around expectations and boundaries; problems for the last two years with the effects of your poor mental health and controlling behaviour. It doesn’t sound like it’s been much fun for either of you for very much of it at all. It sounds like he’s finally got to the point where he can admit that to himself. Perhaps you need to do the same, however hard that currently feels, and evaluate whether the relationship has ever been what you want it to be.

That’s life isn’t it? You don’t stay with someone who looks a slob, wants different things to you, does nothing around the house. This ‘love me for who I am’ trope is a load of nonsense. As long as the effort is reciprocal, what’s wrong with that?

@Spanky123

Sad fact is woman can't do it all without men, as much as it sounds like you would like to.

They can't? Says who? I've been doing it all for 12 years....

I think there is a grain of truth in this tbf. I don't think its all men by any stretch but a substantial number of men have a "template" for a woman and as long as she ticks enough of the boxes (attractive, looks acceptable and scrubs up OK, gets on with friends and parents, cooks, cleans, looks after kids) they are more or less interchangeable. While the first one is working well and still under warranty they will play nice but if she malfunctions it's on to the next. It can't come as a shock to any of you that some men are like this.

On the other hand it's by no means clear that this bloke has been like this. He may have been but by your own admission OP you have not been much fun to live with. He may have really struggled for a long time and just run out of road.

Doesn't make it any easier for you and obviously very painful but I don't think there's much to be gained from trying to change his mind or continuing to sleep with him. That ship has sailed.

Sorry you're going thru such a tough time, OP.

From everything you've said it sounds like you've both spent a fair amount of time unhappy in your relatively short 5 year relationship. You at the beginning and clearly he's been very unhappy for the past two years. So roughly half your relationship (give or take).

He has ended things and apparently is not interested in trying to work things out. You are understandably very hurt.

We have no way of knowing if he has found walking away "easy". It could be that somewhere over the past two years when he was unhappy he just accepted that the relationship couldn't be saved. So perhaps not easy, it's just that he's further along in the process than you.

As for the sex...many people (both men and women) continue to have sex with people they no longer love, for various reasons. Convenience, familiarity or just because that's who happens to be available. Only you can decide if continuing with that is benefiting you. To be clear though - you're not a victim, you are a willing participant.

You won't always be this sad. I sincerely hope this man lives up to his responsibilities as a father. You will find happiness again, but not with this man. Good luck.

I think there is a grain of truth in this tbf. I don't think its all men by any stretch but a substantial number of men have a "template" for a woman and as long as she ticks enough of the boxes (attractive, looks acceptable and scrubs up OK, gets on with friends and parents, cooks, cleans, looks after kids) they are more or less interchangeable. While the first one is working well and still under warranty they will play nice but if she malfunctions it's on to the next. It can't come as a shock to any of you that some men are like this.

Even women have some idea what they are looking for in men and should her wants and needs not be met she leaves...
We have "templates". Everyone does.

We don't just lie down next to first guy who picks us with absolutely no agency over our lives (well I would bloody hope so though it does sound on here that many simply do)...

My thoughts exactly, stop having sex with this guy, he’s using you, and is giving you false hope. Not good for your emotional well being!

The thing is though, you’ve said the relationship had issues from early on and that you put up with a lot. Yet if you’ve only been with him 5 years and have already been pregnant and have a toddler, that means that you rushed into having a child with someone that you were not in a solid relationship with. It’s no surprise that when things get hard, the relationship breaks down. When the relationship isn’t built on solid foundations and a deep love and respect, of course he’s not going to find it that difficult to walk away.

It’s done now though. Learn from it. And having sex this man.

*And STOP having sex with this man.

I feel like he thinks the honeymoon stage is how a good relationship should be at all times and when real life sets in he’s not interested, he ended his last long term relationship before me very suddenly and without so much as a backward glance or proper explanation to his ex, he cannot process emotions or talk about deep issues without becoming angry and blaming me for everything

Sounds like you're better off without this immature twat in your life.
Once you're over the shock, you'll agree.

I feel like he thinks the honeymoon stage is how a good relationship should be at all times

but OP yours wasn’t even good in the honeymoon period. You say you “put up with a lot at the beginning”

I’m sorry OP, I think (gently) YABU, but obviously you’re going through an awful time.

Firstly, it doesn’t seem like a sensible idea to have had a child so soon in a relationship where you’ve admitted that you were putting up with a lot.

Secondly, it sounds as though he’s put up with a lot. I recognise that PND and PNA are very difficult but that doesn’t actually entitle you to treat him how you chose to treat him. I think you have to take some responsibility for that.

Not to give you false hope but perhaps he would’ve been willing to work on the relationship if you had indicated an acceptance that you did the wrong thing at times and hurt him. It doesn’t sound as though you’re receptive to his needs or emotions, so it’s not surprising he’s not willing to be vulnerable with you.

I am sorry though, I know it’s tough but you will be ok. And, yes, at PP said, stop having sex with him. Neither of you should have allowed that to continue.

i agree that’s it’s not his responsibility to change my behaviour but as one half of an adult relationship with a child it most certainly was his responsibility to communicate with me about how he was feeling and to suggest solutions.

And as the other half of the adult relationship you could have thought about how your actions were impacting your relationship and how unhappy he must be too. You acknowledge you were controlling and horrible but seem surprised he was unhappy, did you think he enjoyed it? Surely you could tell treating him badly would make him unhappy. You’ve only been together 5 years and you were unhappy at the start and you’ve both been unhappy the last 2 years, it doesn’t sound like you’ve ever had a great relationship. I no it’s hard to accept it’s over but this isn’t all his fault and he has a right to move on and be happy, as do you.

He might be seeing this in a totally pragmatic way. It's possible he fell out of love with you some considerable time ago and has now decided that the time is right to leave the relationship.

He can manage being separated from his child with only routine visits, whereas it sounds like you wouldn't be able to handle that emotionally. Therefore he calculated that if you split up, you would have to have custody.

You were unwell and he didn't want to leave you (and the child) in that situation but now you are better.

He shouldn't be initiating sex with you, that's unfair and selfish. But lots of men and women have fallen into bed with an ex as a previous poster said. It shouldn't happen again and you shouldn't read it as a sign that he is wavering.

I can't believe no one picked up on the sex issue until you did.

No decent man sleeps with someone they no longer wants to be with. What a user he is.

Yeah, and however bad my relationship with my partner was, I can’t imagine being completely unaffected while preparing to walk out of the home I share with my child.

I agree. @CantAskAnyoneElse , I'm sorry if this has been your experience but what you describe isnt the male norm. You sound very misandristic.

I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. I had such terrible PND with my first that I almost didn't have a second so I know it can really change your personality.

How were things before the baby? Is there a reason you didn't marry? Of course you don't have to be married to have a good relationship and there might be good reasons for it, but I'm just wondering if he was never really all in to start with, which would explain him bailing now. I like to think that if a man really loves a woman, he would hold through while she's not herself from having his child and be there when she returns.

Obviously we have had our struggles in the beginning which I won’t go into but things were really genuinely great, we had reached a point in our relationship where we understood each other and were very very happy, many of the same goals, shared interests and similar outlooks on life, same sense of humour etc.

we talked a lot about marriage but I didn’t want to get married too quickly and then when I got pregnant I guess it was a bit of an unspoken thing that we’d wait until after baby was born and settled.

i think the same as you and yes, I wonder the same thing, although I never thought or felt like that until he ended it

No op it is not “obvious” to have “struggles at the beginning”. Nor is it “obvious” to “put up with a lot” of “seriously questionable behaviour” at the beginning of a relationship.

It would seem you have had a very limited period of time where you were both happy.

I know it’s hurtful and tough but I suspect your partner has just pulled off a plaster that was inevitably going to fall off anyway

Obviously we have had our struggles in the beginning

Why do you think that's obvious? The beginning is supposed to be the honeymoon period...

Was your baby planned? You say you didn't want to marry too quickly, but having a baby was OK? A baby throws a grenade into even the strongest relationships.

I'm not trying to pull apart your relationship. I just don't think it sounds as if it was ever that strong or that he's shown much change of character. I agree with a PP that it's shitty of him to initiate sex if he's so sure he wants out.

I was thinking the same! Not surewhat it is we're meant to be incapable of.