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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH to share night feeds

56 replies

penmusgrav · 11/03/2023 11:47

The situation:

DH works full time - never from home he's up and out 7-4

Im home with the baby who is 7 months:

Ive just started a business from home early stages not making profit yet, will be in the next 3 months but still not loads.

Up until now i have done all night feeds in week and he does most of the weekend.

AIBU to ask him to help with night feeds in the week? Its really getting the better of me i am so drained.

I think he feels like this is how it should be, and although im working on the business as its not bringing the money in then it doesn't count?

For anyone that thinks he should be helping, whats the reasoning for it?

I sometimes try to explain why i think it should be more shared then end up going to back to agreeing with him!

OP posts:

Aftjbtibg · 11/03/2023 11:51

I’d say to him that if either of you wants your business to work then you need to be able to focus and that it isn’t forever.
Could you try it where he does the beginning of the night and you go to bed early or vice versa. It means you don’t get much of an evening together but it’s not forever and needs must sometimes.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 11/03/2023 11:54

Depends on how badly you rely on his wage.

Being shattered at work will affect his performance which could lead to issues.

Babyboomtastic · 11/03/2023 12:04

Most decent dad's that I know (whose babies are bottle/mix fed) did night feeds from birth.

Of course he should be mucking in and parenting his child. Especially now you are working.

BloodyThursday · 11/03/2023 12:07

The business you are starting up, are you doing this solidly for 8 hours a day or popping in and out subject to baby? If you are on it 8 hours a day like DH is then absolutely share. If you're popping in a out at home with baby around I personally think you should still do the night feeds.

I think it also maybe subject to what DH does for a living.

ScentOfAMemory · 11/03/2023 12:07

Babyboomtastic · 11/03/2023 12:04

Most decent dad's that I know (whose babies are bottle/mix fed) did night feeds from birth.

Of course he should be mucking in and parenting his child. Especially now you are working.

She said he does them at weekend when he's not at work already.
It should, in an ideal world be divided equally according to how much each partner works. One works 2 days, should do night feeds more etc.
MN often seems to think men should work full time and do all the night feeds.

bussteward · 11/03/2023 12:08

Hmm, it depends on whether you’re on maternity leave and your business is a side hustle? Is it needed to pay the bills? What’s your plan for childcare if it takes off? Presumably you’re working while the baby naps, when you could be sleeping while the baby naps. (Yes, I know that’s not always possible – but if you’re in the position to start a business you’re probably in a position where the baby does nap sensibly.) If it’s a real business proposition you should both be splitting night wakings but also have childcare in place while you both work.

Original poster

penmusgrav · 11/03/2023 12:09

BloodyThursday · 11/03/2023 12:07

I think it also maybe subject to what DH does for a living.

I have to do it when i can as i have the baby. I cant lock the baby away for 8 hours whilst i work?

OP posts:

Pleasecreateausername13 · 11/03/2023 12:09

Exactly how many nights feeds are you doing? Could you try cutting back as by 7 months (obviously don’t know your circumstances) your little one can normally go most of the night without one?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/03/2023 12:10

How often does the baby wake? What job does he do? If the baby wakes only once or twice and he is an air traffic controller then you should probably do it. If the baby wakes a lot and he works in an office then I think he should do more. My husband helped in the night when the kids were babies (I was breastfeeding but he did some of the habit wakes / walked them around in the buggy when they were awake but didnt need feeding so I could have a break).

We both thought we have both had a baby, we both expected to be tired (not just at weekends). Having a newborn is life changing and it's not really a partnership if one parent gets to keep their normal sleep routine mon- fri (unless they have a job where safety is at risk) while the other gets completely worn out

Coffeellama · 11/03/2023 12:12

Its simple really, now that you are back working you need to redivide things up, he does one of the night needs during week nights, and you do one on weekend nights so it’s fair.

Coffeellama · 11/03/2023 12:13

penmusgrav · 11/03/2023 12:09

I have to do it when i can as i have the baby. I cant lock the baby away for 8 hours whilst i work?

Show quote history

Why jump straight to locking the baby away? It’s very obvious most people put their kids in childcare when working.

rainbowstardrops · 11/03/2023 12:34

I think as he does the weekend feeds then you should probably do the week feeds as he's up and out by 7am. What does he do for a living?
My children are older now but I remember I did the night feeds but DH did the 10pm feed and the 6am feeds during the week. Could that work?

Original poster

penmusgrav · 11/03/2023 12:34

@Coffeellama most people do that when they are both earning. I am not earning enough to warrant it so i have baby and am trying to juggle that and growing a business.

OP posts:

Hankunamatata · 11/03/2023 12:41

My dh does lots of driving so he did all
night feeds Friday and Saturday night. During the week I used do to 7pm feed and go to bed. Dh would be with baby until 11pm and do a feed at 11pm then go to bed. So I got a solid 8pm until middle night feed around 1 or 2.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/03/2023 12:43

I'm a maternity nurse - how many feeds does he have at 7mth and how much

What is daytime routine like

To get a good night you need a good day with sept feeding times and naps

Have they been weaned. Often night feeds will stop when having food

Many will say my child woke for milk /cuddles etx till they were 1/2/3 and that's just life

But doesn't need to be like that

Ideally you went your baby to learn to self settle once wakes

Babies I have from few days /weeks are usually sleeping 7-7 by 4/5mths

Obv this isn't the case for your child

The nights I'm not at work I say to the parents to split it

So baby will be fed say 630/7

Mum will go to bed say 9 and sleep till gets woken up for 2nd feed say 3/4. Then goes back to sleep till baby wakes for morning

Dad will stay up and feed df at 11. Then go to bed and sleep till 6/gets up for work

So both parents should get a solid 6hrs sleep

Some don't like a df and let baby wake naturally so again whoever is on the first wake up feed goes to bed. Does the feed and back to bed

Feel free to message me if you want more advise

Willthisusernamework1 · 11/03/2023 12:44

My sister in law made my brother do most of the night feeds when he was working full time and he survived.

Theelephantinthecastle · 11/03/2023 12:44

I don't think how much you earn has anything to do with how much sleep you deserve.

I can see that long distance lorry drivers or surgeons might be in a different category but otherwise I think it's better for both parents to be a bit tired than one exhausted and the other totally well rested.

Coffeellama · 11/03/2023 12:44

penmusgrav · 11/03/2023 12:34

@Coffeellama most people do that when they are both earning. I am not earning enough to warrant it so i have baby and am trying to juggle that and growing a business.

I’m not saying they should be in childcare, I was responding to you sniping at the other poster asking if you were working 8 hour days and were the baby was as you replied like your only option was to lock the baby up. It was a reasonable question from the other poster, none of us no if you are eligible for universal credits for childcare etc.

Viviennemary · 11/03/2023 12:48

No I don't think he should be expected to do night feeds during the week but he could do one at the weekend, I see he already does two. Reasons he is fully supporting the household financially and your business is making no profit. Maybe you need to rethink this and get a job which actually pays.

PetitPorpoise · 11/03/2023 12:48

My husband always shared them even when I was on maternity leave: we took it in turns. At seven months, presumably you're not up and down all night so if you both are doing 1 each per night then nobody should be "shattered". Before long your baby will only be waking once then not at all.

Maybe as a compromise, he could do the easier one (a 1am or a 5am) and you could do the more middle of the night ones.

toomuchlaundry · 11/03/2023 12:49

I’m assuming OP is looking after the baby whilst not working, so isn’t exactly sitting on her backside doing nothing

toomuchlaundry · 11/03/2023 12:50

What does DH do when he gets in from work?

BathtimeHelp · 11/03/2023 12:58

This is exactly what our situation was like when DS was that age. I set up a business, and worked when DS slept, and when DH was home in the evenings. I couldn't get anything done while he was awake, it was just impossible.

We worked it that as soon as DH got home, he would take the baby and I would work. I would often work late and if I did then DH would do the night time, even if he had work the next day. DS used to wake once, maybe twice a night at that time and my husband finds it so easy to get back sleep, whereas I don't.

We're a year or so on now, and it was all worth it. DS now sleeps through the night from 7pm, and we have childcare for a couple of mornings a week so I don't always have to work in the evenings. Business is good, and manageable. I love being able to plan my week how I like - I know that on days xyz I have fully with my son and the other days I know I can plan meetings and get chunks of work done while he's in childcare. It also helps that's he's a good sleeper and he also still has a good nap in the afternoon.

Hang on in there, it will get easier but you absolutely do need your partner's support

Jmaho · 11/03/2023 12:59

I think that if he is out of the house from 7 till 4 Monday to Friday and doing the night feeds at the weekend then I'd do the weeknight night feeds

BathtimeHelp · 11/03/2023 13:00

Just to add, DH was leaving the house at 7:30am and getting back at 6:15om at that time. I didn't have any childcare in the early days because like you, I wasn't earning anything. When you're able to add a bit of childcare into the mix, even just a few hours a couple of times a week, it'll honestly make THE WORLD of difference

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