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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to share night feeds

56 replies

penmusgrav · 11/03/2023 11:47

The situation:

DH works full time - never from home he's up and out 7-4

Im home with the baby who is 7 months:

Ive just started a business from home early stages not making profit yet, will be in the next 3 months but still not loads.

Up until now i have done all night feeds in week and he does most of the weekend.

AIBU to ask him to help with night feeds in the week? Its really getting the better of me i am so drained.

I think he feels like this is how it should be, and although im working on the business as its not bringing the money in then it doesn't count?

For anyone that thinks he should be helping, whats the reasoning for it?

I sometimes try to explain why i think it should be more shared then end up going to back to agreeing with him!

OP posts:
BathtimeHelp · 11/03/2023 13:03

No family nearby either so it was a juggle initially

Botw1 · 11/03/2023 13:04

Depends how many hours you're working during the week.

I think him doing the weekends is a fair compromise unless you're both working the same hours

Id be trying to sleep train the baby as well.

ChildminderMum · 11/03/2023 13:09

Switch to one doing the 10pm feed, and one doing the 3am feed.

So maybe 4 nights a week he does the 10pm feed so you can go to bed early, and you do the 3am feed.
Then the other three nights let him go to bed early and you do the 10pm feed, and he does 3am.

nokeetent · 11/03/2023 13:10

I'd try to negotiate that he does one mid-week feed and the fri/sat night ones.

cushioncovers · 11/03/2023 13:12

He does two nights week and works full time, as long as he helps out around the house as well then I think that's enough. How many feeds is your baby having during the night?

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/03/2023 13:20

I think it depends on how much money the business is likely to make.

Sit down and talk to him about your plans for it, and how much you think you can make in a year. Then talk about how to juggle care. And then once it starts to make some money bring in some help if you can.

If it’s a viable money making idea, he should be up for divvying up the nights.

Napmum · 11/03/2023 13:37

It is a tough one. I'm assuming part of the reason for starting a business is so you have flexibility and can care for the baby? In which case the work you're putting in for the business is probably not full-time.

I'd suggest he help with night feeds one night a week, so it's fairer. The business is not going to make money unless you put in the hours. He needs to understand that supporting you is an investment in your financial future.

mindutopia · 11/03/2023 13:42

Yes of course he should. You’re both back to work anyway. But my first dc was bottle fed and Dh made literally every single bottle (except 1, which is why I remember it! He was ill) until dc dropped night feeds at 10 months. He was working a FT job and starting a business so working evenings too (with dc in a sling).

LittleBearPad · 11/03/2023 13:47

On Mat leave I did 4/7 and DH did 3/7. He also did a feed about 11pm when they were tiny. Don’t think they needed it ar 7 months

User1706 · 11/03/2023 14:00

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/03/2023 12:43

I'm a maternity nurse - how many feeds does he have at 7mth and how much

What is daytime routine like

To get a good night you need a good day with sept feeding times and naps

Have they been weaned. Often night feeds will stop when having food

Many will say my child woke for milk /cuddles etx till they were 1/2/3 and that's just life

But doesn't need to be like that

Ideally you went your baby to learn to self settle once wakes

Babies I have from few days /weeks are usually sleeping 7-7 by 4/5mths

Obv this isn't the case for your child

The nights I'm not at work I say to the parents to split it

So baby will be fed say 630/7

Mum will go to bed say 9 and sleep till gets woken up for 2nd feed say 3/4. Then goes back to sleep till baby wakes for morning

Dad will stay up and feed df at 11. Then go to bed and sleep till 6/gets up for work

So both parents should get a solid 6hrs sleep

Some don't like a df and let baby wake naturally so again whoever is on the first wake up feed goes to bed. Does the feed and back to bed

Feel free to message me if you want more advise

I'm assuming as a maternity nurse you realise the above isn't the correct advice for a breastfed child? (Apologies if I haven't seen OP is currently formula feeding)

Also hunger is one of the many reasons a child make wake, its becoming more widespread that the huge change/learning curve that comes with solids can affect a child's sleep negatively.

Cakeandcardio · 11/03/2023 14:03

Yes he should. My reasoning is that it's a thing a decent dad does. If he doesn't do it then it says it all about him really.

IWinMN · 11/03/2023 15:10

Nope.

He does weekends and works full time, you shouldn't be trying to make him do the night feeds. If you can't handle it then bub needs to be weaned, or you need to put the business on hold until you can dedicate time to it.

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/03/2023 15:48

@User1706 as op said he did weekend feeds I would assume that means he is on the bottle and not breast feeding

User1706 · 11/03/2023 16:02

Blondeshavemorefun · 11/03/2023 15:48

@User1706 as op said he did weekend feeds I would assume that means he is on the bottle and not breast feeding

Fair enough, I must be half asleep myself today... 😊

Perfect28 · 11/03/2023 16:20

Yes he should. If he's home at 4 can you do shifts so you both get enough rest?

Notimeforaname · 11/03/2023 16:24

He shouldn't need a reason to help raise his child.

Nobody is asking him to work full time and get up with the baby every time but jesus christ,he should want to have a hand in caring for his child and not need to be given a list of reasons why.

Its pathetic.

Brunilde · 11/03/2023 16:28

I think it depends how much work you need to put in and how flexible it is. I did all the night wakes on mat leave as I felt it was better me being tired at home than him at work. Not saying looking after a baby isn't hard but it doesn't require the same level of concentration as most jobs.

If you can do your work in short bursts at times of the day when you feel okay I'd continue as is. Obviously if you're having to put in full time working hours and look after the baby that's different.

pinkyredrose · 11/03/2023 16:32

Does he drive to work? What does he do? Both of these thing's could be impacted by him being sleep deprived.

If him being tired means he'll be in/put other people in danger then you should let him sleep.

JudgeRudy · 11/03/2023 16:35

BloodyThursday · 11/03/2023 12:07

The business you are starting up, are you doing this solidly for 8 hours a day or popping in and out subject to baby? If you are on it 8 hours a day like DH is then absolutely share. If you're popping in a out at home with baby around I personally think you should still do the night feeds.

I think it also maybe subject to what DH does for a living.

How interesting - when comparing going to 'work' with looking after the baby you seem feel one is more draining than the other. I found having soul care of a baby exhausting, constantly trying to multitasking. I much preferred going 'out' to work.
I think nights should be shared.

SarahAndQuack · 11/03/2023 16:37

Yes, definitely share them - it's the only fair way if you're both working (and nice even if you're not). Makes such a difference to know you're both 'in the trenches' too, I think.

I would suggest working out weekend naps/lie-ins as they make the world a better place if you can treat each other to some extra sleep!

Maray1967 · 11/03/2023 16:40

Hankunamatata · 11/03/2023 12:41

My dh does lots of driving so he did all
night feeds Friday and Saturday night. During the week I used do to 7pm feed and go to bed. Dh would be with baby until 11pm and do a feed at 11pm then go to bed. So I got a solid 8pm until middle night feed around 1 or 2.

DS2 was still on a middle of the night feed up to 5 months and we did bath & 8 pm feed together, then I went to bed at 10, did a feed at about 4am. DH did the 11.30 pm feed and mostly slept through the night. Friday and Saturday he often did the 4am feed.

JudgeRudy · 11/03/2023 16:42

I understand you are starting up your business and atm its taking time/energy but not bringing in money. Its an odd time to start but I'm sure you both have your reasons. I'll also assume you both knew it was going to put additional strain on the family but forged ahead confident you could cope. You can't.
You have the option to free up more time by paying having a baby free. You could use this day to do as much business related stuff as possible plus life admin/housework. This will cost but could be considered an investment
Another option is to pull back on the business. I don't know how that will impact on the business. Is it kinda now or never?
3rd option is OH steps up to do half night feeds.

Mumsanetta · 11/03/2023 16:47

I am glad that my DH had a completely different attitude to the husbands of most of the posters on here!

Ignoring your business for a moment, you’re not dossing around all day while he is at work. You are on maternity leave and that means you are BOTH working full time. Your DH gets to “clock out” when he gets home but you have to continue working 24/7 and be responsible for all night feeds? And for the pp who suggested that the DH can’t possibly be allowed to be tired as he is keeping the family financially afloat, well surely OP is also keeping the family afloat by saving them the cost of full time childcare! Depending on where in the country they are, full time childcare can be the equivalent of a full wage.

When I was on mat leave my DH took over when he got home so that he got to spend time with our DC and shared night feeds. I was bf’ing so that meant doing nappy changes, handing baby to me to feed and then burping.

BurntOutGirl · 11/03/2023 16:47

Could you work the weekends when DH can get up overnight and look after the baby during the day?

That will then reduce two weekday nights/days that you work.

Mumsanetta · 11/03/2023 16:50

Also very confused by all the “does he drive” questions - as a mother on maternity leave I was not housebound and also drove with baby on board, nobody ever queried whether I was too tired to drive. Or is the point that tired mothers should never drive if they do all the night feeds?